SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, I had my confrontation and it didn’t go anything like I had expected or planned. Wife actually started it and I responded bringing up the past and her actions. I told her what was said to me, but not by who. She knew who said it to me and said that she was disgusted that I would even consider this a possibility. The conversation went south quickly and she brought up D more than once, but said that we should stay together until the youngest goes off to college in five more years, then go our separate ways if we cannot reconcile with each other.

My wife knew about the var and was very venomous about me using them. My wife is extremely intelligent, I hate to admit that she is smarter than I am. It is if she had found this site. My BIL is a VP of IT for a large corporation, so if they were working together I wouldn’t have a chance. She basically admitted nothing, denied everything and made immediate counter accusations. We have agreed to stop fighting and seek counseling and to take a break from this. I haven’t thought much about next steps I just need to think about this with a clear head.

I am still trying to remember all the information throughout this thread. As I recall, we have the confirmed hot tub infidelity all blamed on alcohol, with the OW's husband in the hot tub with them at the time. Then we had the OM cutting in on the dance floor and your W going off and dancing with him and your W feeling you were rude walking away. Then last but not least the source saying your W has been unfaithful.

I would think with all this information, you are well within your rights to hide VAR's, check phone, track, etc. It puzzles me that if innocent she would react like she has, considering her behaviour - confirmed and rumoured. To then jump to D in response, again sounds really fishy.

As for staying together for your youngest son, I suspect an unhappy marriage and the strain he will be exposed to may be worse than a clean cut. Something to consult a professional and get an opinion. I do know there is an article on the subject somewhere on the web. Plus, I suspect she will benefit more from this cohabiting scenario as she will be well kept while being able to pursue her extramural activities.

In summary, I think your W is going on the offensive to put you on the back foot. It also seems that if D is so easily considered the option, she isn't invested in you or the marriage.

[This message edited by artec at 1:11 PM, October 5th (Thursday)]

I wouldn’t live like that...nope, nope, nope.

Wow, there is always the risk they might find the VAR and all your best laid plans goes to shit. I'm sorry. I'm not really surprised she acted as she did, but I was just hoping you get something from the VARs after the confrontation.

I'm not really sure where you go from here. You have already seen enough to be angry/suspicious with her. The only thing I can think of is trying to talk with the guy who said they have been having an affair to figure out why he would say something like that.

Are you on a home computer? Do you think she is monitoring your actions to make sure she is covering her ass?

She knew who said it to me and said that she was disgusted that I would even consider this a possibility.

I would go back to this person and get more information, he said it was common knowledge this was going on. Know by whom? I'd be verifying with anyone else that he could tell you they were aware of it, or suspected it.

Obviously you need to watch any email or messaging that she could be watching. including this forum, change your password FROM ANOTHER COMPUTER, and use the private message feature if need be.

Why reason does she give for not believing this person? Divorce is on the table, but under her timeline and conditions? She's still trying to control the situation, so she must be getting nervous.

Best laid plans. She just knows too much about what I am doing. I am just so busy and stressed from work to be 100% on my game. We did not speak for several days but have started being more back to normal. Yes I caught her in the hot tub incident and I failed and allowed her to rug sweep this and now I realize that I have never gotten over this and probably won’t.

Wife and I went to a festival with children on Sunday and she was talking to two lesbians and I started triggering because of her past and she was making fun of me for saying I was uncomfortable with the exchange. I am not homophobic I have a couple of gay friends who I am close with and they know that we were having problems in the past based on her actions. Maybe I have been wrong not to move forward from this.

Why would she be disgusted for you thinking this way? You already caught her once flirting with him five years ago and then you caught her making out with the wife. I'd say you have every right to think she's cheating with this couple. She's acting guilty as hell.

How did she discover the vars? That might tell you how you are being monitored.

I don't know, she sounds like a piece of work. A very small, .000001 percent of the population, cheats with both a husband and wife. I think she is using you and that's sad.

She is using threats to control you and the direction of your marriage. You really have to slow down and just take back the control. The best way to do that is to start by saying I want to talk to you about this. I want to do this in a calm respectable way. If you cant then there is no point in moving forward with marriage. If she says fine then walk away. First thing the next morning start calling lawyers. You don't have to divorce her you just have to show her your not going to be pushed around by threats or disrespect. She is in the wrong. So what she knows that you were looking into her. She is the one that cheated and continued to act shady. That is not your fault. Its hers. Don't let her put that on you. If you have to follow through with the divorce then do it. At least then you know just how invested she really is in the marriage.

If she calms down and actually wants to discuss it and try to work it out you can always stop the paper work at anytime.

This madness wont stop if you wont take back control of your life.

hy would she be disgusted for you thinking this way? You already caught her once flirting with him five years ago and then you caught her making out with the wife. I'd say you have every right to think she's cheating with this couple. She's acting guilty as hell.

How did she discover the vars? That might tell you how you are being monitored.

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Jman I am thinking that she is just trying to keep the upper hand. I was easy to manipulate for so long and she would rather die than admit any wrong doing. She said that she knows that I have recorded her and she isn’t happy about it.

She is using threats to control you and the direction of your marriage. You really have to slow down and just take back the control. The best way to do that is to start by saying I want to talk to you about this. I want to do this in a calm respectable way. If you cant then there is no point in moving forward with marriage. If she says fine then walk away. First thing the next morning start calling lawyers. You don't have to divorce her you just have to show her your not going to be pushed around by threats or disrespect. She is in the wrong. So what she knows that you were looking into her.

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Curious,agreed she is and I need to slow down and figure this out. I truly love my wife and we have been together for a very long time. I believe that it would be very difficult for me to lose her. That said I have to watch my situation and I will continue to look for a smoking gun.

You can try, but I doubt if you'll get any additional information from the guy who told you.

Your wife has pow-wowed with his wife, who has likedly told him to keep his mouth shut.

Cheaters always assume they are smarter; they are not.

The sheer nerve of her ultimatums, given her past, speaks volumes.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 4:02 PM, October 5th (Thursday)]

You are in a no win situation actually. I was married to the male version and your children are likely miserable.

The fact that she mocks you being triggered even though you know she's into women too? That's just very telling.

Take control of the situation and start working on your exit plan. Get your ducks in a row. If she confronts you about "what you know" - simply say, "enough" because that's the truth. You are not required to explain anything to her. Has she asked your permission to alter your marriage? Oh what no? Then you don't have to abide by that rule either.

The more nothing changes, the more it doesn't change. Time to stand up for yourself and your kids and order no more mr. nice guy from amazon or book seller of your choice.

She mocks your pain?

Is that the type of marriage you want your children to have? That's what they see, that is what they will imitate.

Strength

she was making fun of me for saying I was uncomfortable with the exchange.

I'm sorry I have not read the entire thread but the above is very abusive. I would honestly ask her to see a therapist for it. I think you are on the right track or her track I should say.

Have you hacked her phone for deleted texts? Google how to hack deleted info for that particular device. That is where I found my goldmine

UM,

You really need to stiffen the back. It takes some nerve to cheat on your spouse and feel comfortable enough to kick them. Not sure what the attraction is to such a person, she walking all over you. As another poster said, time for a little shock and awe. You need to pull a 180, life is too short to be a doormat. Good luck, you can do it.

...if we cannot reconcile with each other.

UM, as thin a thread as this is, hang on to it, and use it to continue the conversation. What does this look like to her? What process will the two of you use to reconcile? What needs to be reconciled?

This will, at a minimum, let you see if she can grow into understanding your concerns. That would be telling.

Your post tells me that she didn't deny an on and off ongoing affair as your friend told you. She said she was disgusted that you would believe it. There is a wide chasm there. A cheater would use that tactic. However, not all people who would respond in that way are cheaters.

What is missing from her is concern that your friend, who is in the social circle with his W and the two of you, would say such a thing. I find it troubling that she would not pursue that claim made against her.

So... does she make less money than you? Could the drive to stay married longer come from the desire for permanent alimony?

Is she NPD? I live with a NPD spouse...I hung around in the beginning, hoping he would change...

He saw all the pain...the destruction...and misery, and did nothing...I basically don't matter...at all...

SO I stayed til my last child graduated....then H became seriously ill....the brain....

that's my story....

You cant make them love you...you cant make them care...you cant make them sorry...you cant make them confess....you cant make them change....

Your marriage changed, because somebody told....she was already doing these things....you just didn't know...you didn't see...

she doesn't want to change...I wonder seriously if she is on this site...knowing your every move and emotion?

Something similar happened in my situation, with OW...she posted facebook about me and my H 's conversations...I wondered if we were taped, or did he tell? it was precise... Years have passed....I don't think it was that complicated...I think it was him...always was him, and always will be him...because I cant change him...make him sorry, make him confess, etc.

It can be really simple.....if you look. I'm sorry for your pain, and her horrible character.

I had to see that this is who H was all along....there was no changing....I just didn't see it. Until it was happening in front of me. H didn't hide it anymore...became bold...

Your wife is bold.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 8:20 PM, October 5th (Thursday)]

Your WW left on her trip obviously trying to ‘lovebomb’ you back into complacency because she suspected you were catching on after the dance incident.

She goes away with POSOM’s W, and the W of your friend who tipped you off, who seems to have been an A cheerleader for your WW and this shit couple.

IMO that weekend was spent with your WW and her crappy friends discussing how to approach dealing with you.....and they may have been fully aware that you had been tipped to the A by your friend because it is very likely he also told his W about telling you.

They probably knew you planned to meet to be filled in on that Saturday....and POSOM was tasked to stay close to you all night being annoyingly friendly to prevent you talking to your friend......in addition, your friend was probably being bombarded by his W to say nothing to you and ‘stay out of it’.

As a result you never heard from your friend details or proof about the A....something you were told several times you absolutely had to get before your WW returned.

So all you had was what amounts to a vague rumor from your friend to hit her with.....and as further evidence that your WW was made aware during her girl’s weekend that you were tipped off about the A, you only need to observe that she INSTANTLY knew who had told you.....of course she did.....because HIS W told your WW all about it during the weekend.

So your WW.....knowing you have nothing but a rumor, and have not followed up with your friend to get evidence.....has now dropped the ‘love bombing’ approach and gotten angry and confrontational.

And it has worked.....you have essentially backed down on everything.

This is exactly why some of us advised you that you HAD to get in contact with your friend ASAP and get all the info he knew.

I am sure right now that he is being pressured by his own W and the other couple to keep his mouth shut and say nothing to you if you do reach out again.

That said.....trying to get in contact with him again on the hope that he STILL thinks you need to know what is going on, regardless of any pressure that might be being put on him, is about the ONLY chance you have left to find out the extent of this shit show.....

And only when you know that will you know if it is even worth trying R with your WW....or even worth it to stay 5 years til your kids are out.

And btw.....the reason your WW ‘offered’ up staying for their 5 years is so HER lifestyle isn’t disrupted.

She gets 5 more years of you footing the bill for her while she has time to get her ducks in a row to take you to the cleaners in a D after the last kid leaves.

Do not for a second believe that your WW’s offer of 5 years is for your benefit or out of love for you.....

She just wants to use you to keep her standard of living until she is ready to leave.

Good news is.....though she clearly took Round 1 of this bout from you, it isn’t over.

Pick yourself up.....talk to your friend and get that proof....and then expose the A and file for D.

Rock your WW’s world and plans.....show her that she will not get one day more of her cushy life on your dime.

Start fighting!!!

Dude

I truly love my wife and we have been together for a very long time. I believe that it would be very difficult for me to lose her.

1. Do you think she feels the same about you? Hmm.

2. She knows you need her and that she can do what she wants. Not a great balance of power.

3. Her reaction to your concerns is nauseating. How do you accept her demeaning you and dismissing you that way?

4. She shows HUGE signs of narcissism. You wear the reciprocal cloak of codependency. This is sadly not the end of your problems, only the beginning.

5. Cut off her funds. Now.

6. Every day that goes by will gnaw at you. Where is she? What is she doing? Who is she doing? Welcome to the world of "I have a marriage, but I have lost my sense of safety and my mind." It is not a pleasant world. You will not enjoy it. You will be back here.

I'm so sorry.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 9:24 PM, October 5th (Thursday)]