SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

To be honest, it's rather arrogant to presume to get revenge on someone for doing what you continue to let him do. No one can repeatedly do anything to you that you don't let them do. You let him in for a screwing sessions. You leave your door open at night. Don't put it all on him.

And you don't really mean it about no contact. You are in IT. If you wanted no contact, you'd figure out a way to block him. Millions of people without your expertise do it. What you are really doing is trying to make him come to you.

It's not surprising that you've reached out to him. Any of us who have been there have experienced this. My situation didn't change until I meant it. I actually moved to get away from him. It was the best thing I ever did.

I think the best way to get this guy out of my head is to meet someone else who values me and wants to give me his time, attention and affection.

No man will truly and wholeheartedly value you until you truly and wholeheartedly value yourself. This is why you're in IC and this is why the knowledgeable vets here on SI are recommending that you go it alone for awhile from a dating standpoint.

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 11:51 AM, April 12th (Monday)]

My friend also said my revenge fantasies aren't worth it - a waste of time. He said the best revenge is to show up to his favorite bar with another man if I really want to sting him.

You still don’t get it.

He really won’t care if you show up to a bar with another guy.

Oh hell yes he’d call you after and have sex with you because he would want to prove to himself he still can have you whenever he wants. And you most likely would let him.

But there is no “regret” or jealousy on his part.

I would be interested to hear what your counselor or therapist has to say about all this. Especially you having sex with this guy.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:14 PM, April 12th (Monday)]

Charity411 has a point - I'm LETTING him use me. Thinking because we have such a long history that means something to him - it means NOTHING.

I see my IC tomorrow and will tell her everything that happened from our last session on Thursday.

I'm listening to all of you - I promise I am. I have to get through my thick skull that he is someone to be left in the dust. Booyah is right - he's a rattlesnake and he keeps biting me and I keep coming back for more poison because I have this delusional fantasy that one day he's going to wake up and realize that I'm "the one" - when that's simply never going to happen.

And the stupid revenge fantasies are because I'm hurt, angry and pissed off that I've allowed him to treat me like this for so, so, so long because I kept telling myself that EVENTUALLY he'd come around. Well, he's not...and it's about time I start realizing that. It's like that scene in Shawshank Redemption - "Get busy livin or get busy dyin".

No contact means NO CONTACT! None, zilch, nada...and Charity411 you're right again - I'm not contacting him because it's my way of forcing him to come to me. And I know he will at some point - when he wants to get laid. Sex is good but my dignity and self respect are better. The only way he's going to move on to his next fuck buddy is when I put a stop to being a regular notch on his bedpost. And because I don't matter to him one iota he'll leave me behind quickly when I no longer cater to his "needs". That hurt to write but sometimes the truth hurts.

It's funny - the first time we broke up...which was like 3 years ago, I didn't talk to him for 8 months. I broke up with him. He came crawling back asking for another chance and at first I wouldn't take the bait. He love bombed me for a few weeks and before I knew it we were back at it again. We joked that our relationship had a "phase 1" and "phase 2". And here we are 2.5 years later and now he's the one who broke up with me - but still wants to come back when he wants to fuck. Sigh - writing that out makes it sound even more pathetic.

I'm DONE - just DONE!

"I'm DONE-just DONE!"

Just words Fanny.

You've said this before....

Only you can back it up with action and firm boundaries.

I guess time will tell if you're truly wanting to be honest with yourself.

3 years ago

Wuuut?

You've been doing this dance for 3 years?

Oh Fanny, please get off this merry-go-round.

I know it's hard to let go. Believe me I know (ask me how I know). But please move on. Life is too short. You deserve way better than this.

I would ask your IC about setting goals.

[This message edited by DanielJK at 12:59 PM, April 12th (Monday)]

Fanny, you want proper love and to belong with someone. Why are you wasting your time running after someone who cannot give you (or probably anyone) those things rather than meeting someone who can?

The more you hold on to the fantasy of him that’s in your head, the less space there is for anyone else. You can come on here and say things, and we can answer and try to give advice, but at the end of the day only you get hurt by never following through.

You are the one keeping yourself in this situation Fanny, not him or anyone else. It only stops when you stop it.

He said the best revenge is to show up to his favorite bar with another man if I really want to sting him.

I find it very concerning that you're willing to use one guy to get back at another guy, as if he were a pawn in a game. In psychological lingo it's called "objectifying / objectification" and is in itself a manipulation tactic. Your other actions are also indicative of your being a manipulative person (like using the boat and the truck to pressure him to do your bidding, etc.).
I'm not writing it to put you down, but rather to suggest that you should address it in your counselling ... like yesterday.

[This message edited by Sceadugenga at 7:20 PM, Monday, April 12th]

Also...

Please don't engage someone in a new relationship...then go back and sleep with him.

You're going to break someone's heart. We really don't need any new club members here.

"I told him I had no interest in being someone's fuck buddy"

"But I said if we were to do that, he would have to delete his Tinder account."

"He hasn't yet, I'll give him a few more days."

Please be clear that this man is NOT mistreating you in any way; he has learned how you will be treated. And you keep rewarding him for it. Why on earth would he change??

You're addicted to him, you're addicted to the drama, and I don't think you have any genuine desire to be out of it. Also, I don't think it's fair to claim infidelity in this case, because he has been very clear that you are not in a committed relationship. He is free to do whatever with whomever, and he does. Including with you.

If you're done, block his number and BE done. You know it takes seconds. Just do it. Block him on social media. FWD his emails to your trash folder. Get rid of every avenue that he could potentially use to pull you back in.

Tushnurse - I'm ok with being alone. I've been living alone for many years.

Come on! You know what she means. When was the last time that you were single and truly not dating, seeing, sleeping with, or pining over a guy? And how long did it last?

I think Belle25 is right...I’m addicted to him. But I’m not addicted to the drama. I hate the drama and worst part it’s a drama of my own making. He couldn’t care less...it’s all in my head.

I was single for two years after I got divorced in 2012. He left me for another woman and I ended up having to pay him alimony for about two years. Only way I got out of it was when they had a kid together and I refused to fund his child.

I was with someone from 2014-2017 and then this guy from 2017 on.

And Jambomo is right too...I’m wasting my time running after a man that can’t give me what I want...and he probably can’t give it to anyone. Why would I be any different?

I’m on day two of no contact and I’m doing ok...other than a million thoughts running through my head telling myself over and over what a douchbag he is and how I’m probably the furthest thing from his mind.

I don’t know why it was so easy to dump him back in 2018 and so hard three years later. I walked away from him with my head held high and didn’t look back. I’m trying to find where that woman went and bring her into the present.

Have you actually told him to never contact you again? Have you told him to never message, call,or come by your house?

Have you blocked him on your phone,email, and social media?

If not, then you aren't serious about NC.

I'm ok with being alone. I've been living alone for many years

Just like we say about cheaters your actions say otherwise.

I hope you can get honest with yourself and your therapist.

Fanny, it’s quite apparent that you really don’t want help. You enjoy the the rollercoaster ride with your ex and you enjoy the attention you get from the people you suck into your orbit attempting to help you.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone."

I have seldom contributed to a thread where my tagline is more appropriate.

Fanny – You are DECIDING to sustain the cause of your misery. That is a decision – something you encourage and feed. I don’t really see how we can help someone that consciously decides to remain in misery.

Bigger...that’s a good point.

I don’t want to live in misery. And I don’t enjoy the roller coaster...I want off.

The only way off is to GET OFF...choose me and my happiness. Admitting to myself that he was a bad mistake and horrible judgment call. That there is no possible future with a person who can so easily treat me like shit. With each passing day the distance will make that easier. And I need to create a chasm so far and wide between us that there’s no way he can cross it.

I blocked him on my phone this morning. I don’t use social media so there’s nothing to do there. I now see that reading him that letter was my “last stand” so to speak. I’ve said what I wanted to say and there’s literally nothing else TO say. It’s over...and I’m moving on. I really need help to set higher standards for myself and stop chasing losers. My therapist is hopefully going to help with that but it’s me that has to do the hard work and learn how to love myself as myself.

You’ve been getting the same consistent advice from everyone here at SI for months.

You do it - go no contact - but then for some reason you end up in contact with him a few days later.

You recently read him a letter about how you feel. Sadly you believe it had an impact on him.

You mistakenly believe his legal troubles are keeping him from committing to a relationship with you.

You are swayed by his good looks and charm and you allow him to treat you poorly.

You have not acknowledged to yourself that he doesn’t want to change anything about your “relationship”. If you call what you have even a relationship. IMO it’s not even a friendship.

For almost 7 months the contributions from SI posters have been consistent. But you choose to ignore good advice. You make excuses for him. You complain about yourself and your lack of strength or willpower to get out of this situation.

If you are not willing to do anything to help yourself then what do you expect will be your future?

Fanny – the problem is that in one sentence you tell us you want to keep the cake, while in the next you share with us how great the slice you are eating right now tastes and how you want the next one. The solution to your BIG problem is relatively clear:

STOP INVOLVING YOUR EX BF IN YOUR LIFE

The implementation is undeniably harder, but still is based on a couple of basic points. Like NO CONTACT. You however seem focused on minimal or controlled contact. Neither of which is no contact. We cant help you if you don’t follow the advice offered…

I’m watching my weight. Before leaving for work my wife mentioned that I had to finish the Devils Cake she made last weekend and was going stale that I have been avoiding. My response – once she was out the door – was to take the remaining slice and throw it in the outside bin. Not the kitchen-bin where I might have been tempted to remove it later in the day, but the dirty outside bin where there is near-to-none chance of me rescuing it. I will be even happier when the bins are emptied…

I have a feeling that in my shoes you might have covered the cake in the fridge, or maybe placed it just outside your door. But you wouldn’t have binned it, because you KNOW you are going to have a bite.

I don’t want to live in misery. And I don’t enjoy the roller coaster...I want off.

There must be something you are enjoying about this rollercoaster or you'd have gotten off it a long time ago.

The only way off is to GET OFF...choose me and my happiness

No. The only way to get off is to put in place actions that mean you do not see or hear from him again. You take action - do you see him at work? Change jobs. Do you live in the same town? Move elsewhere. He contacts you? He should be blocked so you don't even know about it.