SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

HikingOut

Whenever the topic of RAs comes up, I always think of Buck and his disgusting stories about coming home to his marital bed reeking of another woman. The impression that I got from the relish he took in describing his affairs and the suffering that he caused his wife was that he may have once loved his wife at one time, but he never respected her as a person, even before Dday.

I also noticed how he would deliberately come after you whenever you commented; the fact that you retained your composure, even in the face of rather relentless, misogynistic attacks, was really admirable.

GoldenR

I think I know you're referring to and I'm almost 90% certain that the entire story from start to finish was pure fiction.

Webbit

Then when WH came over to me I looked him straight in the eyes and said ‘see it’s not fucking hard to say no’. Rolled my eyes and then went home. God that felt good!!!!

You dropped your crown, Queen.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:10 PM, Tuesday, March 19th]

Then when WH came over to me I looked him straight in the eyes and said ‘see it’s not fucking hard to say no’. Rolled my eyes and then went home. God that felt good!!!!

Best quote of the day!

I believe an RA is justified for the BS. What is good for the goose is good for the gander so to speak. Gives the BS a much needed ego boost after being made insecure by their WS.

Atomic_mess,

I'm a BS FYI.

Your framing implicitly assumes that the WS & BS are the only two stakeholders here.

In reality, often with As you have the BS, WS, their kids, the OM/W, OBS & kids.

With a revenge A, you add a new affair partner to this mess. Does he/she not have any agency other than being used as a fvck buddy for the BS?

Are the kids gointo be any less impacted when the BS joins the cheating party out of anger?

Imagine that marriage is like a house that the two spouses build together. As with all houses, things break down over time and with wear and tear. The partners don't see eye to eye on how to fix things. Then, either out of malice or frustration or whatever, the WS decides to set fire to a part of the house that the BS uses (say the tool shed). Now the BS gets mad and decides to up the ante by flooding the WS’s room, because it's unfair otherwise.

How likely will it be that the house is livable after all of this? What happens to the kids who live in the house and never asked for any of this?

[This message edited by Ragn3rK1n at 7:51 PM, Thursday, March 21st]

Kids being in the mix wouldn't impact me. I would do the RA, rub it in the WS face, and then ditch them. Just my way of handling things.

Nah...I'm not into using anyone to make myself feel better.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:21 PM, Thursday, March 21st]

What is good for the goose is good for the gander so to speak.

Hmmm. Exactly how is cheating good for a WS?

Gives the BS a much needed ego boost after being made insecure by their WS.

Your WS didn't make you insecure. He may have energized your own insecurity. External validation never works for more than a moment.

I would do the RA, rub it in the WS face, and then ditch them. Just my way of handling things.

As Ragn3r points out, that takes agency away from your ap. That's nothing to be proud of, IMO. And I'd bet a lot that your WS won't feel as bad when you confess as you did when you found out about his infidelity. And you'd have your insecurity - the problem not caused by your WS - to deal with. And you'd have to deal with the fact that cheating isn't good for the cheater.

An RA gets the BS deeper into infidelity. One can still heal, but it'll take more work than if the BS hadn't cheted themself.

Read some more here. I think you'll find that the people who heal well and live good lives after being betrayed faced the problems caused by the betrayal and worked to heal themselves by getting out of infidelity not by going into it more deeply..

I was the cheater in my former life. I have never been cheated on in my almost 70 years on planet earth. Mainly, because I would react the way I outlined and my partners knew it. Been in a monogamous marriage now for 40+ years. Where I grew up, if someone hits you with an open hand, you hit back with a baseball bat. I an old school eye for an eye type of person. None of these arguments/justification for not having an RA makes sense to me. I guess I must be too vindictive.

Kids being in the mix wouldn't impact me. I would do the RA, rub it in the WS face, and then ditch them. Just my way of handling things.

Are you here because you are a bs? And did you do this?

If not I am going to guess you really don’t know what you would or wouldn’t do. No one here did.

Honestly, let me tell you what that does: it lets the ws off the hook. When I found my husbands affair, he lost a big settlement he would have gotten had we divorced. We are talking enough to set up his entire retirement.

Instead, all it told me was that he was no better than I was. He lost all moral high ground.

Why you would want to appear to be the bigger villain in a story than the one who should get the full highlight in them makes me think you miss what the biggest revenge of all is. It’s what it always is : living well with your head held high.

He didn’t lose the remorse I felt over what I had done. I still very much regret all my choices. because in the end, having an affair damaged me more than I could tell you. I wouldn’t wish that feeling on my worst enemy. Yet my husband has now has that feeling too.

Edited to add; we cross posted. I am not surprised that you have no experience with any of this in a real way.

[This message edited by hikingout at 10:57 PM, Thursday, March 21st]

Oh and thanks blue…
To be honest I lost my cool with him a lot. We triggered each other because in some ways our situations mirrored each other. Not that my husband affair or how it was conducted was like his, because if so that would have been divorce city very quickly.

But for me the hardest part was I had a hard time not believing some of what he was saying was right. I am past all that now but in those days it was really fresh and raw and I was truly struggling with the role reversal.

Atomic,

So, you have cheated before, and you feel a Revenge is the only way., and have no consideration with the innocent people (OBS/Kids etc) who would be affected by your actions? All because your ego is damaged. That tracks, and you have shown exactly why RAs are a terrible idea.

Still not convinced. I cheated on my ex-Wife. I saw the damage it did to her. Shwe was devastated. That didn't stop me. Good thing is she divorced me. Best thing she could have done for her and I. If she had had an RA, I would have felt some of what she went through. WS like me and others on this site should do the right thing and leave our BS without all the drama. Give them the peace they deserve.

Oh, I forgot to add my APs were single. I avoided married women.

atomic_mess

If you don't mind sharing, how old are you and do you have kids?

WS like me and others on this site should do the right thing and leave our BS without all the drama. Give them the peace they deserve.

Or..don't cheat,and show your spouse the respect they deserve,and save them the pain of infidelity, by leaving the marriage, then screw whatever single person you want.

Gives the BS a much needed ego boost after being made insecure by their WS.

I’ll play.

Sure, you get whatever ego boost that comes from screwing the first bit of strange that is willing to fuck a truly broken person who loves someone else…. what an accomplishment…..And then? It doesn’t change anything, not really. There might be a temporary high, but it doesn’t make the hurt go away, does it? It might mask the pain for a tiny while, but it won’t make your spouse unfuck the AP. It won’t change all the lies and the broken vows. That ship has sailed.

Only now, instead of being able to look at your spouse and their actions in the A with righteous indignation, instead of comparing yourself to the AP and knowing that at least your morals are in tact, you don’t even have that anymore. Every time you look in the mirror now, you know that you’re no better than them.

How do you feel now?

[This message edited by emergent8 at 3:19 AM, Friday, March 22nd]

Two wrongs don't make a right and treat others the way you want to be treated are two golden rules I try to live my life by, so no, I never thought about having, nor would I ever have, a revenge affair.

If all it took for me to forsake my values and morals is to be hurt enough, then I'd have to live with the fact I could never truly trust myself.

I'm almost 70. I have 3 kids that I know of at least. Luckily, I have never been cheated on. But I can absolutely say that I would do the RA, rub it in, and then leave. I know myself very well. I walked away from many relationships for less things than cheating.

No - it makes zero sense to me. I cannot imagine feeling "better" about behaving in such a shitty disrespectful way. And, when I was early on the last thing I wanted to do was be with anyone else. I had been betrayed by the person I trusted the most so putting myself out there in an honest way wasn't happening and just screwing someone because my WH did?

Not only would I feel like an asshole but I would not like myself very much either - not to mention the poor victim the RA is had with who is pretty much a pawn in some messed up game. Ick. No thanks.

That kind of revenge-thinking isn't for me.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 5:50 AM, Thursday, March 28th]

ONS have been used successfully by a few BS to restore their battered (sexual) ego.

If done, hopefully it is not an ongoing A and it would be with a single person, NSA. However, all the negative aspects described by others are important considerations that weigh against even a ONS.