SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It starts with a very selfish person.

It starts with a very selfish person.

Truer words never spoken. I laughed out loud at this, thanks.

In my world the A started with selfishness and unspoken dissatisfaction, followed by a decision to seek NSA sex on Ashley Madison, as well as fishing on several other soulless sites. The internet played a huge role in what my WH did, as he was too cautious to involve anyone we knew in his lifestyle reboot. That's how it started. Nothing will ever be the same.

Lots of As start with a WS2b helping the ap2b. The helping is not necessarily excessively selfish.

Dear Livinggrief:

You are searching for answers. Been there done that. Totally get it! However, your posts both sadden and ANGER me - anger on your behalf. He's been stonewalling you for two years correct?The answers you desperately seek reside with him! And he REFUSES to give you what you NEED - the truth. HIS comfort is his priority. Your WH is a selfish, lying jerk who doesn't seem to deserve your precious gift of reconciliation. He also seems incapable of the hard work necessary to heal you and the marriage. And ultimately - heal himself (understand why he did what he did) so he doesn't betray your marriage again.

I think the most pressing question to address your situation is what is the best way for YOU to create a meaningful life in the wake of his betrayals, and his two years (!) of expert rugsweeping. Dear Livinggrief, please turn your focus away from untangling his motivations (that is his job) and turn the focus on YOU and what you need to get out of the limbo you're living in. Untangling HIM hasn't gotten you what you need to heal. How about untangling YOU for a change? Is the infidelity limbo you're living in acceptable to you? Why have you put up with this half life he's created? What can you do for YOURSELF to heal? Take care of YOU dear Livinggrief and the rest will follow.

Letting go of the outcome was the most difficult part of recovery for me. Sending him helpful links and offering useful books (all of which he didn't read) felt like I could direct the outcome in some twisted way. Eventually I came to the realization that I had to move on. I couldn't singlehandedly save our marriage, I could only save myself. I WAS DONE. Only when I left him choking in my dust would he look at the brutal reality of what he did and do the hard work to redeem himself. To reconcile, he had to be ALL IN 100% or I was done. He knew I meant it when I said it, too. No half assed ultimatum. Time to trim some deadwood out of my life :-).

I had to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save the marriage. Cliched but so true. You need to do what feels right for you in your situation, but two years seems like an eternity for you to be living in such an unhealthy situation. Seems like it's time to make a plan to climb out of limbo. With or without him - it's up to YOU what comes next. Sending strength.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 9:21 PM, Monday, May 16th]

It starts with a conversation on a mutually interesting topic, peppered with curiosity and a feeling of excitement.

This is courtesy of *no soliciting*. They describe the development of an affair better than I could ever hope to.

There's a misconception that cheaters behave intentionally, that they are stuck in unhappy marriages and that they are aware of their actions at all times.

That's often not the case.

It's begins with a crush, crossed boundaries, intimacy, shared secrets, a close friendship, a need for external validation... this all works to distance you from your spouse and you begin to invest emotionally in the other person.

The more you invest in the other person, the further you drift from your spouse. When confronted with the changes in your behaviour or the distance in your relationship, you accuse them of being controlling and not allowing you to have friends.

You're defensive of your 'friendship' and protective of your 'friend'.

You now have a 'legitimate' complaint about your spouse and you vent to your friend. They do the same in return. The intimacy deepens. You start hiding your interactions.

You still believe you won't cheat because you're not a cheater.

But now you're torn. You feel deeply for your friend and are irritable and cold at home. Your spouse is demanding time and attention you don't have the emotional capacity for. Your friend provides an escape from the problems you've created.

You start doubting your love for your spouse. After all, you're never happy with them anymore and only your friend truly understands you. Is that really love? Did you ever truly love them?

You look for chinks in your relationship to justify your feelings and your behaviour. You look for reasons to justify your choices. You begin to devalue your spouse and what they do for you.

Some of your feelings may be legitimate. There may be genuine issues and concerns and you hold on tight to them. They become your armour further isolating you from your spouse.

You begin to resent your spouse for not understanding you despite hiding yourself away. You begin to resent what you do for them. This escalates your relationship with the other person. Your emotional needs are now being met outside of your marriage.

You struggle with how you feel and eventually admit your feelings to your friend and are exhilarated when feelings are returned. The emotional affair is ripe to become physical.

Your spouse confronts you with their doubts and you initially deny. When you do finally confess, you tell them you didn't go looking for this. Feelings just developed. You didn't mean to hurt them. It just happened.

You reassure your spouse you still love them. You're just not sure if you're in love with them anymore. How can you be when you're in love with someone else?

Or

You deny you ever loved them at all. After all you've never felt like this before. You downplay your actions and you blame your spouse for the breakdown of your relationship. You tried. It was them that didn't understand you. It was them that couldn't love you how you needed to be loved.

You reframe the past to fit your current state of mind. And examples of their 'transgressions' just keep on coming.

The truly scary thing? The cheater doesn't realise what they're doing and by the time they do, it's too late and they're already in the middle of an emotional affair. They're in deep without understanding how they got there.

It's why boundaries are so important in relationships. Nothing is infallible.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:36 PM, Thursday, May 19th]

How do most As start?

They all start with two shitty people who yearn for constant fresh attention and praise to divert their thoughts from the fact that they are shitty people.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 5:31 AM, Wednesday, May 18th]

Eventually I came to the realization that I had to move on. I couldn't singlehandedly save our marriage, I could only save myself. I WAS DONE.

Very wise words. If after 2 years you don’t have the answers you need to heal and reconcile, your only option is to save yourself.

And then you need to decide if you want to stay married but live a less than fulfilling life as half of a partnership that is one sided OR D.

You can accept your cheating spouse for who they are. You can accept the cheater won’t help you heal. Doesn’t mean you have to D.

But if after 2 years you don’t have what you need or ask for, you probably won’t get it.

So many people want an explanation for why their ws cheated. Here is the reason, because they wanted to. You can spend hours and money on mc but you can’t get away from the truth. My h cheated when we were young. I caught him off guard one day and asked. He could not think up a lie fast enough so he admitted it. I never asked him why. I knew why. Because he wanted to. I think once you take those kind of questions off the table then you can look at your overall satisfaction with your life. Is he/she a chronic liar? Do they show love, affection and RESPECT for you. Most of the time a cheater is going to be truly remorseful or they are not. I don’t see how any marriage can last if the ws isn’t capable of of empathy.

Silentkajun,

Very informative post.

The truly scary thing? The cheater doesn't realise what they're doing and by the time they do, it's too late and they're already in the middle of an emotional affair. They're in deep without understanding how they got there.

For the cheaters that stumble into destroying their lives yes. Those are ones that maybe, just maybe, be someone with which the relationship with can be salvaged. But there's others, and I believe OP's wayward is one, that are doing this intentionally. It's part of who they are and they don't really care what pain they are inflicting. They might pretend otherwise but your best option with them is to nope the hell out of the marriage as fast as possible.

A's always start from something lacking in the WS. It could be self love, morals, self esteem, or any number of things. It is always something lacking in the Ws though.

I should also say there could be any number of reasons for what is lacking. Not excuses, but reasons.

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 7:33 PM, Wednesday, May 18th]

At some chaotic intersection of:

Immaturity (lack of experience with consequences of Big Adult Decisions, good, bad and otherwise)

Entitlement (self explanatory)

Selfishness/self-absorption (can't see an inch beyond their nose/clitoris/penis and/or whatever shiny thing is dangling in front of them)

Shitty boundaries/boundary issues/piss poor modeling and/or non-acceptance of boundaries in dysfunctional families of origin (I would wager a significant sum that every BS here has a history of coping with their wayward's shitty boundaries/boundary issues in every other area of their wayward's life and in every other area of their relationship, aside from the actual infidelity)

Some lack of focus on the part of the wayward, or a focus so intense on one area of life, say a job, a career, a hobby, another type of relationship (friendships, family, interest group, etc.) that all other relationships, obligations, responsibilities, etc. in the wayward's life go wanting- and everybody in the picture gets used to this state of affairs and accepts it as 'just the way it is,' or 'necessary.' Today's hair on fire emergency becomes tomorrows standard operating procedure. People who comprise and function as the wayward's essential infrastructure become more and more invisible, have less and less agency in the relationship, and less and less relevance in the wayward's consciousness, while whatever/whomever is giving them kibbles for 'putting out the latest fire/being THE HERO!' becomes more and more essential to the wayward, regardless of actual, functional value,

and,

Opportunity.

TL;DR:

I'd boil it down to two factors colliding:

Immaturity and opportunity.

You can put a mature person and opportunity in close concert every damned day and tingly parts will not exit pants.

Ask me how I know.

[This message edited by marriageredux959 at 8:01 PM, Wednesday, May 18th]

Not so sure. Even at my age I can be immature, and I have had the opportunity, but I have not cheated. I think it is a major "lacking" in the person's character that causes cheating, but that's just me

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 4:36 AM, Thursday, May 19th]

There are many reasons for "why did the cheating occur".

All of the previous posts point to some very good possibilities for reasons as to "why".

My experience is that as the BS I better understand the why than my cheating H. I couldn’t explain it after affair 1 but I just knew he loved the attention.

After affair 2 you would have thought I was a trained psychiatrist 😂. However I came to the realization and understanding of the affair, I knew more about him than he did.

And what do you do with that information?

It won’t stop the next affair. Only the cheater can do that. And the cheater doesn’t need to know why they have affairs - they just need to want to STOP being a cheater.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:38 AM, Thursday, May 19th]

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[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:38 PM, Thursday, May 19th]

Living in grief ,

They almost all start as friends. You chat and laugh with someone you are attracted too.

You both want it. The tension / thinking and fantasizing build up until somebody makes the first move.

My WH knew the OW as old college friend although they barely knew each other at the time .

Somehow after the reunion , they started getting much closer, comparing notes about mutual college friends , discussing their jobs and became close friends , joking around , crossing BOUNDARIES and the online emotional and physical relationship started soon, within one month of reconnecting.

They had something in common , their profession and mutual friends … they got excited when they chat and the rest is history … a heart breaking one in my case as a BS.

Stay strong and you got all the support from this wonderful community here.

[This message edited by Lostwings at 8:52 AM, Sunday, May 22nd]