SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I want a new life i just dont know what life i want. Who am i, who do i want to be?

I thought i was GGT, stay at home mom, kids, dog, frazzled but happy.

Turns out it was painted rust. My entire life.

So where to i go now? What do i want? I have accepted that wh can absolutely not be trusted and is not my husband, it is a caregiver relationship now, not marriage

And what if this IS as good as i can get? What if life outside the marriage is worse?

And what if this IS as good as i can get? What if life outside the marriage is worse?

Given what you have shared of your marriage? It won't be worse without it, I guarantee it.

Look, I understand how scary it is contemplating a change like this. And your fears are completely normal! I think everyone has them when they are thinking of a divorce - I know I did. But this is a situation IMO that you need to not let your fears keep you stuck - you've been doing that for over a decade and how is it *really* working for you?

Re-visit the fear vs reality thread. More often than not, the fears you have, though valid, turn out not to be what comes to pass. And I can tell you from personal experience that despite my fears and worries, a life free of infidelity is worth EVERYTHING. It is better on the other side of it than I would have believed possible.

Ever hear of "not my circus, not my monkeys"? Well this is the opposite. You're in the cage with these animals hoping they smear their shit on you, because it's exciting!

There are worse things in life than being "vanilla."

Being associated with wh is interesting.

This is sad. Reminds me of a line from a U2 song: "Because when he hurts you, you feel alive."

Get help, get into IC. And get out of this dysfunctional, reality-show, high-school drama.

File for divorce ASAP. You won't find the real GGT whilst knee-deep in infidelity, eagerly awaiting the next OW- or WH-focused crisis to explode.

GGT, your recent posts are so sad to me. You were someone before WH came along. You will still be someone afterwards too. Surely when you were growing up this wasn't what you had imagined for yourself. Surely you were not just someone's assistant, maid, baby sitter, and punching bag before him either. You must have had dreams for yourself outside of the life you have today. These are the things you need to be talking to your IC about. Not him. Not OW2. All about YOU, who you are, who you want to be, and how the next chapter of your life is going to go.

A good life awaits you but you will never have it if you continue to sit in the cage your WH has made for you.

Agreed with the others, you need to D your husband and you also need IC help. Drama is nothing to run to, and no, you're not boring, you just need a kick start to get out of this mess.

I guess the feeling I have right now is that I want to win. I dont want ow to win as in be the cause of my divorce.

I have talked to a friend who also went through infidelity and she agreed, its this feeling that you are angry someone stole your shitty spouse. Not that you care so much about the spouse, it that it was your spouse!

I guess the feeling I have right now is that I want to win. I dont want ow to win as in be the cause of my divorce.

What is your prize if you "win"? It's kind of like competing for who gets to keep the rat that infested your house. If OW wants the rat, let her have the rat and remove the pestilence from your home. Let her life be defiled instead of yours. If I wanted true revenge on someone, I'd wish for them to wind up with my XWH. That would be a hateful curse to put on a person.

And BTW, the cause of my divorce was ME. I own that proudly. I could have stayed with a serial cheating drug addict. I could have stayed forever. He caused my misery, not my divorce. That divorce is all mine and I celebrate it.

I dont want ow to win as in be the cause of my divorce

She isn't. The cause of your divorce is the man you are married to. His absolute unwillingness to do anything remotely spouse like or loving. If this man had not cheated, I would still encourage you to leave, you know why? Because he is abusive to you mentally and emotionally.

YOU can't see it because you are in it. Remember last year when you were away for the summer and how happy you were and how good you felt? That can happen again, forever. All you have to do is take your babies, and walk away FOREVER. The rest will figure itself out.

I guess the feeling I have right now is that I want to win. I dont want ow to win as in be the cause of my divorce.

You do win if you can get away. I was stuck for a long time because I was afraid of D and everything that comes with it. I can tell you from the other side that even my darkest days now are still better than I how i felt in the M.

OW wins a booby prize. She just doesn't know what YOU know about WS yet.

You win in a D.

I guess the feeling I have right now is that I want to win. I dont want ow to win as in be the cause of my divorce.

When two women fight over a turd, the one who loses is the one who gets it. I think that part of OW2's actions stem from the fact that your WH's mask slipped and she finally realized how much of a "prize" he would be if she got stuck with him. So she dropped him much like many APs do when they realize what exactly they're "winning".

Winning is living your best life. It's being healthy and happy. The only way you can do that is by letting go of him and the marriage because it IS and will ALWAYS hold you back from real peace and happiness.

My dear - you are the prize. Save yourself.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 3:46 PM, July 18th, 2021 (Sunday)]

I hear what everyone is saying, but i still feel a profound loss. Loss of the dream I thought we had. I was always a bit smug that my husband and I almost divorced, were sooo close in 2010, and then clawed back. He was HOMELESS and living in a motel for a year (actually a little over a year!!) to get back with me!!!

His psychiatrist said he just doesnt see a person have a major manic episode and cone through with their marriage and career intact. I was so smug and thought, that was MY hard work keeping this family together.

And now, thats blown apart. What did I work so hard for back 10 yrs ago?

I SOOOOOO want to email her and her husband and say you are a bad person. I wouldnt say anything mean or cruel. Just the truth. Add in some screen shot texts. Maybe have the boss in it too.

I hear what everyone is saying, but i still feel a profound loss.

This is a you problem. You work on it in therapy. "Why do I feel such a loss over a man who is not a good partner?" An IC helps you work through that.

If my memory is correct, he does not help with the baby or other kids, makes demands on you and your time (insisting you do everything), and breaks your phone when you need it. Just to control you. He's dangerous and cruel. His family is horrible to you, and he allows it. You have been dealing with his cheating and trying to separate for over a decade. Feeling a "loss" over this M is a you problem. It is unhealthy to overlook abusive traits to see the good ones. This is where codependency ruins our own lives because we don't take care of ourselves.

I know this post won't matter because people have been telling you to leave him for 11 years. I thought I'd try just one more time.

That feeling the loss thing is normal - it is all part of the grieving process ggt. It is normal and blessedly temporary, but you can't short-cut it. Even if he is awful and you KNOW divorce is the only healthy path left, it's okay to feel sad about it. I did too, and so did a lot of people when they were deciding to divorce.

What did I work so hard for back 10 yrs ago?

This. Indeed - what did you want so badly 10 years ago? What are you wanting right now?

Ggt, your stbxwh is a colossal ass and he clearly will not ever change. He hasn't done anything but get worse in the last 11 years. You have done everything you could have done, but YOU do not have the power to make him change, and minus that you have nothing to work with here. And my dear girl, that says nothing about you!

It took me some time in my grieving process to stop feeling like I 'failed' at marriage. But just like my situation said nothing about who I am as a person, yours doesn't either. This is all on him, period.

In my defense, I have accepted that this marriage is over. When I get a twinge of nostalgia and think, “Maybe…” i slap my self back to reality and think, “remember when you were 1.5 weeks post c-section and he wouldnt drive you to the lactation consultant (about a 3.5 hour drive roundtrip)

Remember when you asked him a zilion times to stop texting Ow2?

Remember when he left wo a word at thanksgiving 2009 for ow1? And after reconciling for a month, he laughed in your face when he wanted to go he early from his moms house and said, “i want to leave early, i gotta pack my shit and go! Hahaha!”

Yeah. This is most obviously not an person i can ever trust or rely on. No doubt about it.

And i am not totally being honest when i say i havent done anything for the divorce, i have been in contact with the lical domestic violence shelter for advice on how to get him out of my house without police involvement

I know without a doubt i need more IC… last year when in started IC that’s actually what i told the counselor- that i was there to get strong enough to divorce my husband. Then i handed her printed texts of stuff he had sent ow 2

My big question - and i know i shouldnt worry about THEM. But im shocked that they were “best friends”, she was to be godmother to my child… and she went into work after he texted her and basically told people about their fight and tried to get him fired. Not a word to me the 4 days between the texts and the drama at work.

She had called me before when wh got depressed and she was worried about him…. She knew he was bipolar and he told her sometimes when he gets manic he will go off on texts… she said thanks for telling me, i will know just to block u..

You are all 100% right when you say leave the sob… i guess this post is more about the shock of ow2 screwing over all pf us? Its just a mind f*#%.

Its been exactly a year since this all went down. So scary, because im a SAHM and i didnt know how we would make it financially, so i think a bit if this is reflection.

But man. Talk about a wolf in sheeps clothing. I didnt like her when she was texting wh, but never thought shed screw him (and us) over so badly

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 12:43 PM, July 15th (Thursday)]

IIRC, you were friends with her so this is in essence a double betrayal for you - by your stbxwh and your 'friend'. That's just gonna take time to process through.

Just like you have a 'list' for your wh to remind you what you're trying to rid yourself of, come up with one for ow2 as well, to remind you what a horrid person she is and that she does not deserve any of your emotional and mental energy.

It is sort of a double betrayal… but i knew she was no good before stuff went down at work. She was never my friend. I might have been HER friend, but she was not mine. What im shocked at was that she would screw with a man’s livelihood especially when she knows im a SAHM. Just strikes me as really super low.

Thats what im pissed about, is the money. Not the man lol

"What did I work so hard for back 10 yrs ago"

Nothing, you worked so hard for nothing.

Same thing I spent at least six years working for. I scrimped, saved, worked a full time job, did his volunteer work to make him look good in the community, politicked right along beside him to help him in the community. As soon as he got his coveted promotion, and cushy office he dumped me like a hot potato. Then he tried his best to screw me into poverty. So nothing.

I understand how hard that is to accept, but like others said go to IC, get help in letting this loser go. Let her have him, she deserves him.