SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Do you think OBS can be trusted not to go scorched earth and get them both canned?

No I know she would. I have known OBS many years and she is a vindictive little b...

I know I may incur the wrath of many here, but I don't like the OBS and never have. I could almost understand why her husband is cheating on her. She's rude, imperious, mean and selfish... and those are her good points. I know for certain she will destroy her husband, that is why I am not all that bent on revenge myself. She will do far worse than I ever could. I just want the hell out and I want to avoid all that drama. But I guess I do feel a moral obligation to let her know.

TheWrongOne, I think you are correct in your statement that your WW is feeling the wall you built. You said you were unhappy, likely she feels the same way. This is another reason the folks here tell posters not to rugsweep. If you don't deal with the A, it will have negative consequences. I'm not blaming you for it, just stating that it happened.

In response to your questions:

1. As the others said, listen to your attorney. Unless there is some advantage (rare) wait until your case is finalized. Protect yourself.

2. If your son is an adult, he understands the concept. No need to bash his mom and give details, just that she was unfaithful, you have proof and you have chosen divorce.

3. You can ask her to move out. it never hurts to ask. It would probably be for the best for both of you if she does, but she may not want to, for the same reason we tell you not to move out.

4. I would hold off on the dating until you are further along the road in the D, or until it is finalized. Many states define infidelity as any relations before D is finalized, and separation may not matter. Again, ask your attorney.

You stated that you don't want alimony, but you could offer to waive that for some your WW's equity in the home. Everything is negotiable. Just something to consider. Do what you think is best FOR YOU. You have a long life ahead of you. Make sure you take care of yourself.

Exposing to family and friends will short circuit the pressure to reconcile from them and allow those capable of providing you and your son the support needed to heal.

Exposing also puts a stop to your WW spinning a false narrative with either family, although some certainly still try (in fact, we saw a recent horrific example here on SI of a wayward fiance trying to slander her faithful engaged as "emotionally abusive" as a preliminary strike before her infidelity was revealed).

I don't like the OBS and never have. I could almost understand why her husband is cheating on her. She's rude, imperious, mean and selfish... and those are her good points.

My WW's AP's OBS meets this same description -- and ironically she cheated on her first husband with my WW's AP and that's how they ended up married. So I can relate. Except for her deserving to be cheated. No spouse deserves that hell.

Obviously yours is an unusual (maybe?) situation for infidelity. That said what do you think your and your son's life would have looked like if you had divorced in 2005? How about hers? Seems like possibly all lives would have been healthier. If so this is the case then it is more data towards the argument of divorce or reconcile.

[This message edited by Justaguy61 at 6:12 PM, Thursday, May 6th]

Your story is eerily similar to mine. A terrible MC kept me from divorcing the ex-wife after her first affair. The therapist guaranteed me she would never cheat again. Six years later I caught her with the husband of a married couple we were very close with.

Concerning outing her, listen to your lawyer as to when and how to do it. The lawyer will probably want you to wait until the divorce is final. You should definitely tell the other man's wife. Again, you may have to wait until the divorce is final.

My ex-wife stayed in our house until she found another place and I was able to buy her out. We had a three-year-old at the time so it made it difficult for one of us to just up and leave. The process took three months. But for my son, I would have immediately forced her out of the house.

I felt a sense of liberation once I discovered her second affair. We were trying to have a second child at the time on her instance when everything came crashing down. She stated that her AP had a vasectomy so she wasn't concerned that the child would not be mine. At least that was her story. Like you, I felt like my soul was experiencing a slow death after her first affair. I faked being a loving husband until I was finally set free. I realized many years later that I allowed others and myself to create that prison.

She started dating immediately, and not with the AP. She met some clown in a bar, left me and my son, and followed him across the country for a booty call. She came back with her tail between her legs sobbing. Evidently, things didn't go so well. She was set up on a date approximately two months after our split up but still living under the same roof. She eventually married the guy.

It took me about a month to get my wits about me before I started thinking about dating. I was quite rusty and never was great at picking up women. I met someone four months later. It lasted for about 1 1/2 years then off and on for another couple of years. It took me quite a while to meet the right person. But what a difference between her and my ex-WW.

You should start dating when you feel it is time. Don't let living under the same roof stop you. But, again, check with your lawyer and whether there might be any legal ramifications. There are states that still take into account infidelity in divorce proceedings. If you live in a no-fault state, it probably doesn't matter when you start dating.

Regarding your son: My son was three at the time so obviously, he would never understand any of it. I just revealed to my son a few months ago what his mom did. I only told him about her last affair. He is in his late 30's. I was forced to do so because she had been going around badmouthing me horribly. Before telling him, I gave him the option of hearing my side of the story and it wasn't going paint his mom in a good light. He stated that he was a big boy and wanted to know. Your son is grown and will want to know why the two of you divorce. There is no reason he shouldn't know. There is no reason to spare your wife any embarrassment. What she did is despicable, just like what my ex-WW did to me. I wish you the best. The next few months will not be pleasant but you will survive and ultimately thrive.

[This message edited by src9043 at 12:30 PM, May 6th (Thursday)]

I'm very sorry you are in this position, TWO. I was in your shoes several years ago. I found out my ex was having an affair with a coworker. Once I accumulated all the proof I needed I filed for D. I called the AP's wife and told her what I knew. She was grateful for my call and she asked to meet so I could give her all the info I had. She filed for D also. After both D's were final we both contacted the HR Dept where my ex and her AP worked. We had a meeting with the HR Director and we gave all the pertinent info to him. Both my ex and her AP were suspended within a few days and were eventually terminated after the investigation was complete. To say they were shocked would be an understatement. Two long careers were destroyed because of cheating. My ex now has a very strained relationship with our son and her family. Our mutual friends know the true story as well as her family. I almost feel sorry for her. Almost but nah. I sleep good at night. Do whatever you feel you have to but CYA. Don't let her set the narrative. Best of luck to you.

Obviously yours is an unusual (maybe?) situation for infidelity. That said what do you think your and your son's life would have looked like if you had divorced in 2005? How about hers? Seems like possibly all lives would have been healthier. If so this is the case then it is more data towards the argument of divorce or reconcile.

For my wife and young son it would have been less than acceptable. My wife did not have her degree at the time and was making far less than me. She got her MBA in 2011, after we had supposedly reconciled and within a few months she had landed a great job with this construction company and was making almost as much as me. Fast forwards to today, she is a company officer making a cool $50k more than me a year.

So if I had divorced her back then my son would have lived a much less comfortable lifestyle. I was able to send him to a good school and he got a great education because we stayed together. I don't regret staying in the marriage because he turned out to be such an awesome kid. I'm not sure it would have been as rosy a picture now had we split back then.

[This message edited by TheWrongOne at 3:19 PM, May 6th (Thursday)]

Do whatever you feel you have to but CYA. Don't let her set the narrative. Best of luck to you.

Thanks Gemini. I am not keen on getting her fired. Look, I don't hate the woman. To be honest, until I discovered this second affair I still liked her a lot. As a companion she is fun to be around. We got along splendidly. We have similar tastes in movies and politics, etc. But, I had completely fallen "out of love" with her over the intervening years since her first affair.

I was a little sad at first when I found out, but mostly just mystified. I just was like "Again? Is she that f*cking stupid?" I'm extremely annoyed that this woman, who I thought had grown up and developed some good sense, just showed me, again, how foolish and shallow she can be. Be that as it may, does she deserve to lose her career?

As long as she doesn't try to f*ck with me or my reputation, I don't feel the need to nuke her job.

Exposing also puts a stop to your WW spinning a false narrative with either family, although some certainly still try (in fact, we saw a recent horrific example here on SI of a wayward fiance trying to slander her faithful engaged as "emotionally abusive" as a preliminary strike before her infidelity was revealed).

Yes that is my goal with her family and mine. Her dad is a minister and I don't need to be put under his spiritual microscope. I forgave his daughter once, spent fifteen years being n a good husband to her, and I'm not letting him blame me for his daughter's poor choices.

I don't like the OBS and never have. I could almost understand why her husband is cheating on her. She's rude, imperious, mean and selfish... and those are her good points.

My WW's AP's OBS meets this same description -- and ironically she cheated on her first husband with my WW's AP and that's how they ended up married. So I can relate. Except for her deserving to be cheated. No spouse deserves that hell.

I agree, but I am leaning more and more towards looking out for myself first. First divorce then exposure to OBS.

Consult 3 of the best D attorneys in town (that typically prevents her from hiring them), you have a lot of leverage, alimony and exposure. Tell her you want the house free and clear in lieu of alimony, you can't force her out of the house but she may comply out of fear that if she doesn't leave you would contact HR or the church and her career/reputation will be severely damaged or destroyed, that's a lot of leverage, use it to get what you want, tell your son the truth and keep you integrity intact, just tell him his mother has decided to have a boyfriend on the side yet again, and that by doing so she ended the M, make sure you name POSOM. Because of your situation only tell close family/mutual very close friends you trust for now, once the D is final, tell OBS.

Don't forget to get tested for STDs/STIs and do not date for now, if you don't want to wait until the D is final, at least wait a few months to clear your head and after the D is filed, all of the assets have been divided and the terms agreed to and signed, if you date too soon she may even accuse you of cheating too in an effort to try to control of the narrative and minimize the damage to her reputation.

Regarding your son: My son was three at the time so obviously, he would never understand any of it. I just revealed to my son a few months ago what his mom did. I only told him about her last affair. He is in his late 30's. I was forced to do so because she had been going around badmouthing me horribly. Before telling him, I gave him the option of hearing my side of the story and it wasn't going paint his mom in a good light. He stated that he was a big boy and wanted to know. Your son is grown and will want to know why the two of you divorce. There is no reason he shouldn't know. There is no reason to spare your wife any embarrassment. What she did is despicable, just like what my ex-WW did to me. I wish you the best. The next few months will not be pleasant but you will survive and ultimately thrive.

Thank you SRC for your story. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who is feeling this way after another betrayal. I was worried I had become a sociopath. As for my son, I don't want to mess up his college studies with him worrying or being mad at his mom. He's doing well at his University and I don't want to jeopardize that, so I will need to handle him the right way.

I’m of the opinion that you need to just get on with your life. Of course you should talk to your attorney but as far as outing her I don’t see the point. You need to tell your child but other than that I think it’s just time to move on. The less hostility between the two of you the better it is in the long run. She’s moved on emotionally and you’ve moved on emotionally so right now it’s just tying up loose ends. It’s a contract and you’re getting out of it and the best way to do that is through a lawyer and get what you are entitled to. A person in my family cheated, his wife would not reconcile, they divorced. The difference is they still get along for the sake of their children. He keeps her cat and dog when she is out of town. They celebrate each other’s birthday with the kids. His family still loves her. Her family still loves him. It sounds different but their kids have not paid the price of hostile parents.

I have always maintained that Rule Number one is you don't owe an adulterer either courtesy or convenience. Of course, it's smart to be flexible if it serves your own purposes. I would let your near family know, privately, why you are divorcing. When the divorce decree is signed, then unless whatever hell is appropriate.

BTW. She makes more than you. Her income took off DURING the marriage. How come she doesn't pay YOU alimony? Hmmm??

You might spend some time reading and posting in the Separation/Divorce forum. From what I've seen in other threads, IHS (in-house separation) is awful and should be avoided if possible. I would also hold off on exposing the affair, although I think you should be honest with your son. Kids need to know that parents will always shoot straight with them, no matter how grown up they might be. You're absolutely right that it's more important for your STBX to keep her job though, so if that means keeping your powder dry on informing the OBS, so be it. And don't be too quick to eschew alimony. Even if you don't want it, you can probably use it to get a better price on the buyout of your house. Get a good attorney who will help you get the best deal you can. Don't assume she'll be supporting herself on her own forever. For all we know, the OM might split with his current wife and then she'd have his income to share. And if not him, some other dude. Best to be a little selfish just now. If you end up with more than you need, you can put it in trust for your son.

I am glad that you are glad. But I also felt sorry for the 15 years she stole from you. Don't feel like you have to prove anything to anyone. The first A was enough for D.

Don't blame yourself for the wall that formed between you as a result of her infidelity. She created it. And don't buy it if she says it as an excuse in the confrontation. She had cheated before, without this excuse. She is a cheater and you are not. You were cheated by her and your love was gone, but still you didn't cheat on her.

And regarding your questions:

1: Act in the best interests of you. Consult your lawyer. It is probably best to wait for exposure after the D.

2: Without going into details, you can tell your son that your WW is cheating (and has cheated in the past) on you and you are going to D.

3: I don't think it would be good to live together. You should ask her to move out, but not force it. If she doesn't accept, you can move out. But first ask your lawyer if this would be a problem for you in D.

4: Don't be in a hurry to date others. But don't ignore either if you meet the love of your life.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 6:30 PM, May 6th (Thursday)]

this makes me want to cheer for you!

I was a little sad at first when I found out, but mostly just mystified. I just was like "Again? Is she that f*cking stupid?" I'm extremely annoyed that this woman, who I thought had grown up and developed some good sense, just showed me, again, how foolish and shallow she can be.

I can certainly relate to this. In such a situation, you would hope that the WS could at least be honest and tell the BS PRIOR to the A, "I'm not happy, I want a D". THEN go out and nail other people. Show some respect to the partner who gave you a second chance, supported you, etc. LEARN from your mistakes. My XWW did the same thing. Some people just don't learn, I guess.

I feel for you. My H had a 4 year EA which he denied. It ended snd was completely swept under the rug.

15 years later he has an EA that turned PA. After false R and two Ddays I had enough. I told him he left me with no choice but to D him.

We agreed to R BUT I was on the fence for years. While we had survived the affairs I just felt I really wasn’t sure how I rent about staying married to a cheater. It wasn’t him it was me.

But I always knew I had no obligation to stay - unless I was happy. I would not remain in an unhappy marriage just for my kids.

I feel badly you didn’t have the same experience. You stayed in a less than fulfilling marriage. You are finally getting out and have the potential to find a better path, hopefully with a better partner. It’s just sad you wasted all the years with the STBXW.

I did a quick google search on Baptists and adultery and high on the result page is a relatively respected and acknowledged Baptist site that shows a survey on Baptist pastors views on divorce. If that survey is to be believed then 39% American says divorce is a sin if caused by infidelity, whereas only 32% of Baptist pastors. In other words: 2/3 of Baptist pastors do not think divorcing due to infidelity is wrong…

Will you be pressured into remaining married? Probably. There will be voices that ask you if you have done all you can, if you are jumping the gun, is it really an affair or are they just friends and so on. But at the end of the day it’s your decision and you only need to justify it to yourself.

You state you are gathering proof. Keep in mind the ONLY proof you need is that YOU are convinced. It’s doubtful that infidelity will factor in the divorce (but definitely check your state laws!) and it’s not as if you have to show everyone that questions you DNA analysis or fingerprint scans or witness affidavits. If you are convinced then that’s it.

Another common misunderstanding is that someone “wins” divorce. We had a poster here the other day that had a… colorful… story. Right away after a few days he had the proof he needed of an affair and got his then-fiancé to move out. Basically game over. He could start establishing a new life. Instead he went on to gather more proof – possibly to convince others that he was justified in ending the engagement and that HE was in the right and that SHE was wrong and whatever. Costing him great amounts in PI fees and a legal threat being dealt with by an attorney that probably doesn’t work for free either.

I warn you against that. If you want to divorce then go for it. File, keep your demands reasonable in accordance with what your attorney says your state allows. Don’t try to settle this with her directly, don’t argue about marital issues, DEFINITELY do not go for less than you are entitled… just focus on divorce.

Revenge? Best done by living a good life and not missing her.

Friends? Some will follow her, some you. That’s just the way it is. Just like some are your friends and therefore her too, and some are hers and therefore your too.

Stories? Well… It really doesn’t matter… Some will believe her when she states she only cheated because you were distant or whatever. Some will eschew her, some you. Stick to the truth if asked: Yes we are divorcing. Why? She is having an affair and I can’t accept that. That’s it. Don’t enter a tit-for-tat dispute over who is worse.

Exposure is IMHO misunderstood on this site. It’s a tool to END infidelity. If you are divorcing then that might become a secondary issue. I definitely endorse letting the OMW know but based on what you share then I’m also OK with not doing that yet.

Maybe the threat of exposing or the possibility of subpoenaing the OM to bear witness at court (if infidelity in any way factors) might be a stronger tool.