SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

1. I've had both the nameless/faceless paid partner and the soulmate, and both are awful. I don't think one is worse than the other, really--just different things to obsess about for each. (If a stranger, "He was willing to throw it all away for nothing!" and for a soulmate, "He has thrown ME away!"

2. I don't know. Part of me thinks that the damage that takes a faithful BS to RA is so severe that, yes---it's worse. That the WS upon whom a RA is inflicted never experiences the same out-of-nowhere agony that the "original" BS does.

But really, it's all infidelity---and it's all horrible. I don't think it's really fair to say one is worse than the other.

I mean, if we go that route, wouldn't it be just as reasonable to say the RA is worse, because the BS who chooses that path does so knowing the agony it causes?

For me though both are awful, I would have preferred not to have known her AP. He wasn’t a friend, but a worker on a construction project we were doing

One of the things I never got over was her setting up a meeting for me to invest in a business he wanted to do rehabbing houses. If I would have gone for it, this guy would have been tied to us for years. This flies in the face of her telling me she was close to and desperately wanted the affair to end. Just my opinion, but it takes a real sick person to set up a situation where the WS has to interact with the AP. At this point the affair wasn’t done for them, but it was done to you.

Having an affair with someone that you could potentially spend years seeing at parties, school functions, while not quite as bad is still horrible

I thought long and hard about an RA. My ego was shot. I never did it, but if I did I don’t think it would have been as bad as what she did.

Eventually we separated and one of the reasons was I felt I deserved the same NSA sex she had. I don’t view it as an RA,.

We were separated by thousand of miles, she was free to see others, and we were bonifde separated. I know part of my thinking, and not super proud of it was payback. It didn’t come close to what she put me through, but I know it hurt her.

If someone cheats, and I agree it only inflames the situation, that this could be one of the consequences.

1) Doesn't matter. They cheated.

2) Doesn't matter. An A is an A is an A. They all are horrible.

1. Someone you've never met can be harder because you imagine they are perfect. No one remains faceless for long, though - almost every BS I've met has had a need to see pictures of the AP. It's much easier if they live far away and you don't risk running into them unexpectedly.

2. I guess this just depends on the person, but for me an RA doesn't even come close to the same level as the original affair. Original affair is much worse. For one thing, level of deception is usually much lower in an RA. It's hard to make generalizations, but the emotional component is also usually much less pronounced. And the motivation is straightforward - revenge.

after experiencing the worst pain of my life, even in my anger, I cannot wrap my head around knowingly inflicting that on another person, regardless of what they did to me.

Small t/j here....

I don't think an RA is inflicting the same pain that the original BS felt, bc the original WS obviously doesn't love the original BS as much as the BS loves them, therefore it doesn't hurt them as much.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 6:36 PM, January 17th (Wednesday)]

Why are you comparing pain? Pain is pain, and the worst kind of pain is the one that's happening to you.

1. It’s better not to know them. Of course I have curiosity about her and yes, she seems perfect when all I have are pictures of her from years ago. But she was in no way connected to anyone else I knew, and it was slightly less infuriating that she would believe the bullshit about me being a tyrannical monster if she’d never met me.

2. This is insane. Of COURSE the original A is worse. The WS has completely tossed out the entire marriage at that point, and have no right to expect anything aside from the bounds of the law. They can choose to leave after an RA, but they had better not dare complain that they didn’t deserve it.

"And the motivation is straightforward - revenge."

And revenge is ok? Cause i can kinda see some ppl just slipping into an affair without meaning to cause the BS harm intentionally.

"They can choose to leave after an RA, but they had better not dare complain that they didn’t deserve it."

because we all know people need to be punished by someone who loves them. right.

How does one slip into another vagina or into another penis without meaning to cause harm?

How does one profess love, future plans, dreams, etc to another person NOT their spouse?

If we accept that a WS has an addaie due to various reasons(self esteem, FOO, ego kibbles)...

Why can it not be accept that a BS would so it for the same reasons?

If the WS affair isn't attributed to "revenge" or punishment why would a BSs affair not be?

RAs are affairs...period. Coping mechanisms for broken people....or just depends who say broken them.

WS= FOO, low self esteem etc.

BS=WS

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 6:59 PM, January 17th (Wednesday)]

Cause i can kinda see some ppl just slipping into an affair without meaning to cause the BS harm intentionally.

There is no slipping into an affair. Hundreds of choices are made to get there. And anytime I hear the old "I never meant to hurt you" line, I just roll my eyes.

1. I would imagine an AP that was a supposed 'friend' of the betrayed would be double the devastation - which is hard to imagine given an unknown AP is total devastation. So total devastation times two!! I didn't know his AP but she was his COW and I got to run into her at my regular coffee shop

2. IMO not even comparable - not even comparable! Especially when the original BS was totally blind-sided, gas lighted, manipulated, deceived, physically and mentally harmed, the list goes on and on - a RA could actually just be seen as the BS accepting the 'open' relationship they were unknowingly shoved in to... I seriously see no comparison. I wouldn't do it myself but I would never judge the RA more harshly than the original betrayal.

1. I am guessing that if someone pretended to be your friend while secretly screwing your spouse.... that would have to be a double betrayal. I have not experienced that. I can tell you that not knowing the person at all was still hell on earth.

2. I don't see how a revenge affair could compare to the original affair. They are both terrible. One is done out of selfishness and the other for spite. No winners there.

1) an affair with someone the BS knows and has to interact with is worse. If the AP has no idea the WS is married, it’s one less person for the BS to hold anger towards. Double betrayal is worse

2) RA has to be properly defined to answer this question properly, and not in with a simplistic generalization. It’s NOT one size fits all. Here’s why: An affair is so horrible because it’s wrapped in dishonesty, disrespect, deceit, and gaslighting. A TRUE RA is when a BS pretends to R then sneaks around just as the wayward did, and envokes all the weak personality tactics: blame shifting, lying and trickle truth. This isn’t the same as considering the relationship over, and sleeping with other people after discovering the WS betrayal. How is a BS being honest and transparent with their WS regarding intentions and views of the vows after being cheated on worse? Besides the marriage certificate, how is it’s wven considered cheating? Seems the only way to not be a cheating sinner is to suffer knowing your spouse doesn’t value you, but you must still abide By the vows. Any thing a BS does Is jist as bad as the original WS? Give me a break. It’s like saying a man who shoots an attacker is just as morally wrong as a man who shoots an innocent party. Doesn’t make sense. It Seems archaic and rather simplistic. In any case I don’t believe anything a BS does to the WS will hurt anywhere close to the original betrayal. The WS almost expects it because they know they deserve it. So yeah the original Is always worse, and whatever’s happens after may or may not even really be An RA.

[This message edited by nicenomore at 8:25 PM, January 17th (Wednesday)]

Yes original Affair is worse

Revenge affair is cheating on the cheater.

I do not agree with others.

Why do you ask?

Well you asked and the opinions are all over the board. Good luck!

According to some here I should be getting me some so I might be wasting my time here.

[This message edited by sewardak at 8:51 PM, January 17th (Wednesday)]

I suppose i can buy the argument that if the A was with someone you know it could be worse, as that person betrayed you while knowing you as well as your WS.

And the ever lovely RA.....My opinion is that if you want to R, then its not going to help that cause any. Is it fair, nope, no it is not. But life isn't fair, and if your going to R there are multiple shit sandwiches you have to eat. That would be one. If your going to D, then separate and then go sleep with who ever you want.

I guess i think that A's are bad, RA or A.

1. I guess it's a grass is always greener (or less decayed) on the other side perspective, but I would have had some comprehension of his willingness to lose me if he fell in love with someone else. But no, they were prostitutes. Nothing to him. So I fell more worthless in a sense because of that. Dunno, know them or not, it's all so awful as to be a pointless question in away. It's like asking if it hurts worse to be set on fire using wood or using gasoline.

2. No way do I feel the RA is nearly as bad as the original. We'll never all agree on this, but I do feel like once someone cheats, the marriage is dead anyway. RAs don't necessarily help anything, but they weren't the cause of the marriage being destroyed.

Cheating is cheating.

would it be worse if it was a close friend? probably yes.

It still hurts, all the sex, the lies, the betrayal, all the effort that should have been used to help the relationship.

RA? all wrong, but the pain and loss of self esteem, being thrown away does something to the BS. after thinking about it all day, you do go crazy. the original A is worse, it murdered the relationship and the BS. So the BS has had their heart torn out of their chest, thrown into the fire and eaten by the WS.

Not much left of the BS. marriage murdered, loss of any realty. Can't sleep, can't think of anything else, can't take care of work, life over anyway, all hope gone. Nothing left.

Game over.

1. I guess it's a grass is always greener (or less decayed) on the other side perspective, but I would have had some comprehension of his willingness to lose me if he fell in love with someone else. But no, they were prostitutes. Nothing to him. So I fell more worthless in a sense because of that. Dunno, know them or not, it's all so awful as to be a pointless question in away. It's like asking if it hurts worse to be set on fire using wood or using gasoline.

To your last point, I completely agree, I'm not sure anything would have made this "better". I guess I'm glad it wasn't a family member that my WW chose to cheat with, that would have been worse. But, beyond that, what difference does it make (and yes, I was friendly with the AP).

To the first part of your post, and I'm only saying this because "BS encouraged to comment", so I'll say it, but it won't be popular. Most female APs are effectively unpaid prostitutes for the male AP. At least your H didn't lie about it, he paid his money, got what he wanted, left. Most female APs are deceived and wrapped up in a one sided fantasy love story; their "payment" for the sex is a bunch of words that, when it comes down to it (choosing the AP or the W), they weren't worth the breath used to speak them.

I guess, put another way, at least your husband didn't destroy another marriage to get his rocks off. I wish, every day, that my W's AP would have had the common decency to go to a pro instead of going down the route he did. I would have happily handed him the money and, at least, spared my marriage the pain of what he and my W did. Yes, she's just as responsible for her actions, I realize that, but, I also know, for a fact, if he'd just gone down the "pro" route, he never would have pursed my W. No, it doesn't make it any easier for you, but at least your H was up front about what a POS he was (at the time, hopefully better now) and didn't rip another person/couples life apart for a few orgasms.