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1. My WW had several PA partners. 2 I knew and 3 I didn't. I can honestly say that for me, one was as bad as the other.

2. The though of a RA never entered my mind. I am not wired that way.

The though of a RA never entered my mind. I am not wired that way.

Neither am I. As angry as I was at my WW, I never even considered it. It literally never crossed my mind as an idea to be pondered.

This leads me to believe there are two kinds of people: those who cheat and those who don't cheat.

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 11:42 AM, January 26th (Friday)]

I'm a BS and it doesn't matter who the A was with, I trusted her, I trusted that she respected our vows, that when faced with substancial trials she would choose me. Everyone else is irrelevant.

The RA is just as bad if not worse, I'm tempted now more than I ever have been, in part I would feel justified, make her feel pain that I've felt. That's the difference, the A is a selfish action, the RA is meant to cause pain. Neither is okay.

After a year and a lot of therapy, I understood why my wife found it necessary to carry out an RA. In her mind I had robbed her of her femininity and her desireability. It did not help matters that she had also bankrupted me.

A Revenge affair has two effects: It returns your self-esteem. Men are wired that if someone moves into your territory, the visceral reaction is a cluster of emotions all saying you are less a man. If you are going to carry it out, I have been witness to various methods. One client, made the date and laid down the law right in front of his wife. She was apoplectic, but he made the point that she opened the marriage and now it was his turn. She bristled for a year, until he told her he was done. Another person went silent. He carried on numerous affairs, until he had to tell his WW that he had given her and STI. That rocked her world. He blindsided her just like he was. He looked her straight in the face and said, "Now you know how I feel." She said, "I did this to you? How could I have known?" "It is like my guts have been ripped out." It was followed by pleas of forgiveness that meant something. Both couples have survived. We have survived as well. People here tell you that two wrongs do not make a right, however, it is all up to the individual. My wife saw her doctor and her psychiatrist, and could not change how she felt. Although I made the aftermath as traumatic as I could, it still helped her.

1. Usually, it's irrelevant who the adultery partner is because it's typically someone of convenience, ie. coworker, neighbor, etc.

If the adultery partner is a "trusted" friend or relative then the double betrayal is especially painful.

2. The question of whether the original affiar or the revenge affair is worse is pretty much irrelevant.

In both cases, both spouses have betrayed their own vows, betrayed their own values, and have used external excuses to justify their personal behavior.

People here tell you that two wrongs do not make a right, however, it is all up to the individual.

True. There is always the yin and yang. cheaters and not cheaters. Eye for and eye and grace. Selfish and selfless. Attentions seekers and humble. Then those shades of grey between. All depends upon your moral/ethical values and where you want to be.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 3:52 PM, January 27th (Saturday)]

In both cases, both spouses have betrayed their own vows, betrayed their own values, and have used external excuses to justify their personal behavior.

If they commit the crime, they don't betray anything to themselves. That is just who they always were, their values were always that weak. Different amounts of triggers and catalysts to get there, but still that was always an option. If their values were no cheating, then they don't cheat. Period. That is owning it. Knowing you didn't betray your values. People stand by their values. If you don't, then simple- it really never was your value. The only thing we betray our promises to others. Justifying their personal behavior to excuse it. That fits for both the WS and the ones that have RA or whatever type of affair by the BS.

A RA would not return my self esteem I would destroy it. Maintaining my values enforces my self esteem.

[This message edited by sewardak at 6:22 AM, January 28th (Sunday)]

I would agree without what zug said.

My values were focused on being true. True to myself, true to others. Honesty. I didn’t place special value on Fidelity for the pure sake of it. I suppose I viewed the relationship as more important than the actual vows, and didn’t place as much weight on the literal words, like an oath in court at risk of perjury. So in a way, by literal definition, I am a cheater. But I really didn’t betray my values. I was never dishonest. I could never accept the feeling of disrespect. My regret is not having been resolute in my decision sooner, and keeping R on the table.

[This message edited by nicenomore at 8:41 PM, January 28th (Sunday)]

I want to say it doesn’t matter, but WS shitting on the marriage for a random stranger is worse than them cheating with someone they’re “in love” with IMO. The pain is the same at the end of the day.

To me, the original A will always be worse than the RA. The pain one receives from an A is worse than an RA. In an RA the bs wants the ws to feel the hurt, rejection, & humiliation that they experienced, but it is not the same because 1- the ws gave zero fucks about bs, yet giving a fuck is usually why the bs decides to have an RA & 2- the ws may suspect that an RA might happen, so they are not caught off guard like the bs originally was.

My WH was all emotionless infidelity, but he did work with 2 women he slept with while out of town for business. To be honest, the prostitutes are easier for me to process than the coworkers. One coworker he continued to work with for years after they had sex. I met her on several occasions, so to me that is harder. But as far as the cheater is concerned, I think what they actually "did" is just as bad either way. The lack of respect and selfishness is mind-boggling.

The revenge affair thing is personal to everyone and I think that's why there's so much disagreement. If you think of it from the angle that it might help the BS feel better about themselves, then the original A is worse. If you think about it from a strictly moral stance, the RA is just as bad. I don't believe in any scenario that the RA is worse. I wished I could RA, but I wouldn't have been able to live with myself. For me personally, I felt I was letting him win if I did. So I got my revenge by rising above the "nasty" and becoming the best person I can be.