I'm reading your answers so far, and it seems you have a bit of a "martyr" type mentality. You are willing to sacrifice yourself and your happiness for the good of everyone else. That is great for a soldier. Not so good for a relationship, because it breeds resentment....in BOTH partners.
I think the main question here is: what do you really want?
Do you want to continue to live with your walls up, pleasing everyone but yourself. Building bitterness and resentment? Remember the grumpy old man in Dennis the Menace? That is what a long life of bitterness and resentment builds.
Do you want a good, loving, intimate relationship with someone? It is possible, even after betrayal, but it is a LOT of work. Even if you never have infidelity in your life, building something like that is a lot of work. It involves baring our souls to someone else, and that takes a lot of courage. Much more courage than walling off and not ever allowing someone in because of the possibility we may get hurt.
I never did it in front of her. I don't think it could benefit me. She can take advantage of me.
You need to show her your real emotions, if you are going to stay and want more than the hell on Earth you are living right now.
Why? Because if she thinks everything is just peachy and that you are handling this okay, then she will never be able to truly give you what you need....because you aren't letting her know exactly what you need. If you think you are punishing her by never letting her get close....please remember....you are also taking away your chance at real love and intimacy.
And yes, she could possibly take advantage. If she does, that will show you her true nature, and why would you stay with someone that does not truly care about you and your feelings and emotions? Also, you have to realize that you are strong enough to handle it if you get wounded again. We have to learn to trust ourselves again.
which by the way is far more admirable than cutting and running IMO
Why?
I'm answering this from my POV. I've done both as I said in my first post. With my original WS, I cut and run. It was scary and a bit painful, but far far easier to move on from because I didn't really have to look at my own self and figure out how to commit and work through intense pain. I just moved on.
I'm with my new SO of 3 years now. We are doing the hard work of reconciling. For me it is much more difficult because it means I can't run from myself and the relationship if I want something real and authentic. It takes more courage to open up and allow myself the possibility of being wounded again. It's scary as hell. Sometimes I have periods where I feel I can't trust anyone in this world. Collateral damage sucks. But I know what I want. This is my one and only life. I want to know true connection. I want a life partner that knows me inside out, and I want to know him. I want someone that will have my back no matter what happens. This is what we are rebuilding from the wreckage. For me, it is worth it. I'm scared, but I am doing it anyway. That is what true courage is.
My personal feelings which may be way off base here. You are unhappy enough that you seeked out this site and posted here. Obviously you are in deep pain and NOT happy with your life.
You are trying to figure out which path will bring the least pain for you and others. You are trying to do what you feel is right for a good soldier, but inside it is making you miserable and unhappy and bitter.
The best gift you can give your children is a happy, loving, authentic parent. In order to become that type of parent, you have to figure out what path you can live with and start rebuilding ....but either path is still going to be painful. There is no easy answers here. All paths have pain. You just have to figure out what you want out of your life, then pursue the path that leads you in that direction.
[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 9:09 AM, January 16th (Saturday)]