SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I appreciate everything he does!

Much of what you write does not reflect this.

Obviously you are unaware of the steps, permits, registration and requirements to be considered a "working farm"

I grew up on a working farm and have owned property for most of my adult life so I am well aware, at least for my location.

Obviously since i am not aligned with what YOU think i should want

I said nothing about my posts or what I think. My point is just that often the writing we find most contentious is because it is hitting something internally we have not properly dealt with and maybe digging a little deeper would be helpful. It's just advise, ignore it if you want. Apparently it's a hot button. Why is that? Is it because I'm some online asshole trying to ruin your day? You should certainly dig deeper if that's your conclusion.

Do i use the snow blower or tractor?

The tractor is faster, but depending on the snow condition you have compaction and icing issues to deal with. A shovel works wonders if you only have a few places too high for the blower.

Does he need to brush up on his boundaries and be reminded that MY personal information is no one else's business.

Yes!

While I 100% agree with you that he absolutely should respect your boundaries and privacy, the reality is that he has proven to you repeatedly for over a decade he patently does not have good boundaries of his own and therefore has no respect or regard for yours either. I don't really see how you reminding him of this again will make him respect boundaries all of a sudden, or he would have done long ago. Just my 0.02.

Editing this slightly to rephrase... Dragn, what do YOU think reminding him about this again will do? What outcome are you after? I know for me sometimes it helps me to think about what it is I am actually wanting in conflicts with others.

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 7:54 PM, Monday, January 17th]

If some people are bothered by her posting, simply don't respond.

Why argue or keep trying to force your point?

On one hand I kind of agree with this. Too many people are unwilling to live and let live these days. But on the other hand there is a lot of good advice handed out on this forum that the recipient is not necessarily open to hearing at first.

Many WSs have an endless list of reasons why they had no choice but to screw their AP. They don't want to hear that they are completely responsible and nobody made them cheat, but someone needs to tell them until they get it.

Many hopeless BSs think that there's no way that they can move on without their toxic, abusive, WS. They're going to make it all better with love. They don't want to hear that it takes two to R, but someone should tell them until they get it.

It's all in the delivery. If the feedback is coming from a desire to help and it's not abuse or harassment then it's something that should be heard and people can take it or leave it.

I do think that at some point being argumentative isn't helpful we and should leave what was offered and move on. The person needs to hear that advice from a variety of voices rather than having it become just an argument with one.

So from that standpoint I'll just add, DH, I trust that you're doing all you can at this point. But at some point you should do whatever it takes to break this impasse. Create a plan. Create a schedule. Don't sentence yourself to suffer indefinitely because of something you can't control.

Best wishes.

[This message edited by Seeking2Forgive at 8:19 PM, Monday, January 17th]

My point is just that often the writing we find most contentious is because it is hitting something internally we have not properly dealt with and maybe digging a little deeper would be helpful. It's just advise, ignore it if you want. Apparently it's a hot button. Why is that? Is it because I'm some online asshole trying to ruin your day? You should certainly dig deeper if that's your conclusion.

Theres nothing deeper to find.

I get frustrated at being hounded that i will never truely be happy unless i D.

Thats just not true for me.

Impossible for others to understand and thats fine but when i have made my position clear and wish to get back to the topic at hand it is maddening to be continually 2×4'd about Divorce.

The tractor is faster, but depending on the snow condition you have compaction and icing issues to deal with. A shovel works wonders if you only have a few places too high for the blower.

I used thr blower. Will go out again before wh leaves work to remove the blow over. Damn wind! I told him snow fence would help with that part of the driveway. The drifts are over my knees and we got at minimum a foot of snow fall and it hasnt let up yet.

Tractor has a plow blade on the 3 point hitch. Wh has it set so you need to drive backwards. Im ok with that everywhere but the end of the driveway by the road. Being 4 foot tall and there being a blind spot before we can see if theres traffic it just makes sense for me to use the blower down there instead.

Dragn, what do YOU think reminding him about this again will do? What outcome are you after? I know for me sometimes it helps me to think about what it is I am actually wanting in conflicts with others.

I came here to post about it hoping to be heard and understood because i KNOW it will fall on deaf ears with him. I have not spoken about any if this with him minus asking if he liked living on a farm.

He does not read here.

I wouldn't know if he continued to discuss personal shit with her if he didnt day anything to me about her.

I never would have known there were woman there either had he not said anything.

If i asked him to stop he would probably just say im over reacting or jealous or whatever.

So i came here and was dismissed just as quickly as he would do.

Don't sentence yourself to suffer indefinitely because of something you can't control.

I am not suffering.

This isnt a daily occurrence.

For the most part i dont even think about him and his affairs.

Im to busy playing with piglets and baby goat.

DragnHeart your photos of your farm are just darling and I can see how fulfilling this would be. I believe there are more people on SI that are in limbo than care to admit. It's not easy staying in a M you would not have chosen for yourself but ended up being in. I believe we all have to grieve that whether we are in R, limbo or D.

I get frustrated at being hounded that i will never truely be happy unless i D.

I don't think you can find where I am advocating divorce. Even though I am divorced I would have preferred R, but that was not possible. I specifically wrote the following on the previous page: I think what you are missing is people are often not advocating R or D, but you taking control of your life.

Enjoy your time with the animals

I get frustrated at being hounded that i will never truely be happy unless i D.

All I am saying is that with your wh in his current wayward mindset and seemingly not having the desire or ability to change, that all the things you get so frustrated about with him and vent about with him likely will not change until and unless the situation changes somehow. Divorce is the straightest line to not dealing with his ridiculousness anymore, that is true. But removing that option, just about your ONLY other option to stop having to vent about him is just to work on complete emotional detachment from him. The very fact that you still vent about him tells me that you are NOT emotionally detached, despite your insistence that you are. I'm not saying that in a blame-y way, just stating an observation. True emotional detachment would mean that his acting like himself wouldn't fluff your feathers at all.

Before you jump all over me for that... I AM NOT BLAMING YOU FOR YOUR FEELINGS OR SAYING THEY ARE NOT VALID. Of COURSE his continuing crap behavior that you are STILL living with all these years later would get to you. You are human and I don't know many humans that could 100% emotionally detach while still living with and existing with and sleeping in the same bed with their cheater. But what I am saying I said many pages ago - nothing changes if nothing changes. You've decided that this is the situation you are going to live in (whether that's a 'for now' or a 'forever') so putting up with his continuing cheating-type behavior and disregard of you is also therefore something you have decided on doing (again, I am in no way saying you don't have the right to vent or whatever, just stating my personal observation).

Why would anyone need to vent about someone they are detached from?

Upset = attached

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 1:15 AM, Tuesday, January 18th]

Will ya'all read the title...

QUESTION.

YOU KNOW...one of these > ???

Cant help but VENT after being jacked...k?

I am going to bed!

DragnHeart has made it clear that she is not in a position to divorce her husband; she has to live with whatever decisions she makes, not us, so I don't see what the point is of being argumentative with her about it. We can all say that she should "emotionally detach," but as good as that advice sounds on paper, it is extremely difficult to emotionally detach from someone with whom you are still living and who makes it a point to antagonize you on a regular basis. Coming to SI to vent about her WH and commiserating with other BSs is one of the few methods she has of blowing off steam and coping with her current circumstances.

Now that I'm done referring to you in the third person, DragnHeart, please know that your pain, anger, and disappointment have been heard. In a perfect world, your WH would be abducted by aliens and transported to another planet trillions of light years away... after winning a million dollars in the lotto that would then be left to you. But until that happens, we're here for you.

Coming to SI to vent about her WH and commiserating with other BSs is one of the few methods she has of blowing off steam and coping with her current circumstances.

This exactly!

Now that I'm done referring to you in the third person, DragnHeart, please know that your pain, anger, and disappointment have been heard. In a perfect world, your WH would be abducted by aliens and transported to another planet trillions of light years away... after winning a million dollars in the lotto that would then be left to you. But until that happens, we're here for you.

Ya know as much as i can have the worst hate for him its not all bad. He isnt all bad and the kids love their father. So hopefully aliens dont abduct him. Winning millions would be good no matter what.

I appreciate that others do know my "pain"

I am frozen to the bone. 4 times blowing that driveway. 4 damn times cause the wind here....omg. i swear i set up a wind turbine and my luck the wind would stop. Lol

Nobody is entirely good or entirely bad; if your husband had been the latter, you wouldn’t have married him. The BTK killer was supposedly a great dad and an upstanding member of the community. His wife didn’t like his porn habits or his penchant for dressing up in women’s clothes and auto asphyxiating himself, but she tolerated these aberrant behaviors because she thought the good outweighed the bad… until she found out the full extent of his true self, which nearly ruined her and her family’s life.

I’m not implying that your husband is a serial killer; I’m just using this extreme example to illustrate the point that when someone as fundamentally manipulative, dishonest, and morally and ethically deficient as your husband, whatever it is think you know (which is still really bad) is really only one cockroach among millions behind the walls.

To reiterate, I’m not telling you to leave your husband this minute. But just keep in mind that when you’re doing the cost-benefit analysis of staying vs leaving, or weighing his character flaws against his merits, you’re doing so on the basis of incomplete information about what he’s capable of doing, what he’s doing now, and consequently, what he will do in the future. Please don’t lose sight of that and please do whatever you can to protect yourself in the short and long term.

I’m not implying that your husband is a serial killer; I’m just using this extreme example to illustrate the point that when someone as fundamentally manipulative, dishonest, and morally and ethically deficient as your husband, whatever it is think you know (which is still really bad) is really only one cockroach among millions behind the walls.

First i do think its a bit of a stretch to assume all of the above from my MY perspective, as a bs, venting on a public forum.

Theres also no proof of malicious intent on his part. Again it could be a case of being totally CLUELESS, since He has never experienced what it is to be a BS and after all these years since his last PA, its not surprising he would expect me to me "over it".

you’re doing so on the basis of incomplete information about what he’s capable of doing, what he’s doing now, and consequently, what he will do in the future. 

Unless one is telepathic i strongly doubt any of us can say we know 100% what goes on in the mind of our SO.

Either he read my first post or hes taken the hint becauze he hasn't mentioned the woman at all other than in a list of people who didnt show up during our snowmagedon on Monday.

(Its snowing again.... )

First i do think its a bit of a stretch to assume all of the above from my MY perspective, as a bs, venting on a public forum.

Actually, the fact that you are quick to defend him as a man, espouse his qualities as a father, and bend over backwards trying to understand his thinking and motivations makes me more inclined to believe that your perspective of events is accurate, even when you're venting.

Theres also no proof of malicious intent on his part.

You said that he repeatedly brings up his co-worker even though you've told many times how much it hurts and upsets you. In fact, in this very thread, you said that you suspect he does it to get a rise out of you. How is that not malice?

Again it could be a case of being totally CLUELESS, since He has never experienced what it is to be a BS and after all these years since his last PA, its not surprising he would expect me to me "over it".

He doesn't need to be hit by a bus to understand that getting run over by a 30-ton vehicle would be a painful, traumatic event from which you would likely experience chronic pain and lifelong disability. It doesn't matter if you were run over 6 months or 6 years ago... if he occasionally elbows you in the spine-- even if you don't scream OUCH every single time-- then the most generous interpretation of his behavior is that he willfully disregards your suffering. The most plausible interpretation, however, is that he's cruel.

Unless one is telepathic i strongly doubt any of us can say we know 100% what goes on in the mind of our SO.

You know for a fact that, at an absolute bare minimum, your husband has grossly inappropriate (and probably criminal, since they happen in the workplace) interactions with another woman because he literally tells you about them in gross detail. So if that is what he feels comfortable telling you about, I shutter to contemplate the secrets he keeps from you.

Either he read my first post or hes taken the hint becauze he hasn't mentioned the woman at all other than in a list of people who didnt show up during our snowmagedon on Monday.

Maybe. Or maybe he's bored of the subject and will move on to needling you in a different way. Or maybe the relationship has escalated so he's hiding it from you. Or maybe she told him to F-off and he is too embarrassed to tell you. Or maybe he got in trouble at work again, in which case you'll find out the next time he gets fired for swinging his dick around coworkers.

In any case, I'm not really interested in what his motivations are for doing any of the nonsense that he does or doesn't do. I care that he's hurting you... someone who loves him and is giving him more loyalty and devotion than he deserves. I'm deeply worried about how his actions will impact you.

I will admit that I feel frustrated at defensive you get when he's criticized and feel compelled to go line-for-line with myself and other users to white knight him, which is probably my cue to tap out of this particular thread.

I do wish you the best of luck in both the snow storm and dealing with your WH.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:54 PM, Wednesday, January 19th]

I also think it’s a function of my avoidant personality style. I’m still alive and not terribly miserable, so it’s working for me, lol.

You don’t need to stay married, you don’t need to divorce. You can be fine in purgatory.

Golden! Given the other unfortunate, but oh so real life observation you offered:

People are so seriously fucked up and flawed.

.......when faced with a world of fucked up people, being "not terribly miserable" can feel sort of adequate........

You said that he repeatedly brings up his co-worker even though you've told many times how much it hurts and upsets you. In fact, in this very thread, you said that you suspect he does it to get a rise out of you. How is that not malice?

In my first post i said:

Regardless of her sexual orientation the fact that wh talks about her more than just a little DRIVES ME NUTS!

I have told him not to talk to me about the woman he works with. I dont believe i said here that i said not to talk specifically about her.

Just that he may believe since shes lesbian i shouldn't have a problem with him talking about her.

I will admit that I feel frustrated at defensive you get when he's criticized and feel compelled to go line-for-line with myself and other users to white knight him, which is probably my cue to tap out of this particular thread.

I was given shit earlier for NOT replying line by line.

Its not about defending wh. Its about trying to present a clear picture that he isnt ALL bad, he isnt a serial killer, it isnt all bad all the time.

As someone else pointed out i do not post very often.

Instead if hashing this out with wh i came here to get it off my chest and right off the bat was told i shouldn't have an issue with this and that im pretty much just a homophobic jealous crazy bs.

T/j

DIFM. Did you post from the legacy site?

DIFM. Did you post from the legacy site?

I think from the Simplicity site. Maybe the legacy, not sure. Curious as to what prompted the inquiry. Does my response look different than normal.

Curious as to what prompted the inquiry. Does my response look different than normal.

Yes, but not on the site itself.

I always select to notify me of replies via email.

Your email notification is totally different than the others. I think Zebra's is like that too.

It was weird at first because all replies like yours would go to my inbox while the reply notifications from anyone using the new site went to my junk. I had to go into hotmail and mark all SI emails as VIP to stop that.

Bluer-

So I’m hearing alien abduction is an option???? Hmmmmm…… where exactly is Area 51? Asking for a friend…..

No no no we cannot have the human race represented by MY wh...lol

Besides thats just an easy way out for him. Sorry Dragn i cant pay child support, im on a different planet.