This is the only example that I can think of on SI in which betrayed people routinely say loud and clear that this is something that they need to reconcile and people tell them that they are wrong.
Not only wrong, sometimes this conversation devolves into "raping the WW". But, I agree, this is the only area I can think of where people routinely say "that's not a reasonable ask in R" (doing what was done for the AP sexually). Honestly, not to get back onto this topic, but it almost seems like RA's and threesomes are more accepted sometimes.
Taboo, heightened intimacy, sexual validation? Also, I don't think we're talking about obsession of a particular act, at least I am not. We're talking about something withheld from us, given to another, and then subsequently withheld from us. If you can't apply that same logic to more stereotypical female needs and at least empathize with what men might feel, you aren't trying.
Yes. And anal is a proxy, it's the most common thing I see in stories, and there is a reason for that, but it's just a proxy. It could be a BJ, swallowing, bondage or a trip to fancy restaurant. Except we'd all agree that the BS better get reservations for the restaurant. 
Validation is what we are really talking about here. Why him and not me? I don't care whether every woman in the world wants to shout this down, it isn't invalid just because women disagree with it.
Women can say it's invalid, it shouldn't matter, and it's an unreasonable ask. That doesn't make any of it true for me personally or for other men who are expressing similar views in this thread. If there are WW's reading this who are trying to R, please, listen to the men in here; yes, you can find plenty of people to tell you that it's "your body, your choice" and "it shouldn't matter, any good man will take you as you are". It doesn't change how many men feel about this, and I hesitate to say, but will, you should probably leave, because many men will never recover from the blow and your life will be filled with resentment. And frankly, you deserve better to, go find a man you want to do these things with. Someone who makes you so excited you want anal/swallowing/etc. Short version, if you did it with the AP and won't with your H, you both deserve better.
And, that what they were doing with the AP wasn't "real" it was part of the FantasyLand and their alter ego.
But it was real. That's the thing, it really did happen. All the "I love you's" and you're my everythings.. Those were fake, or are most A's. But the sex was real, it wasn't your "alter ego" there, it was you, and you really did those things. I'm absolutely in agreement with the "fantasyland" aspect of the EA, for sure, that's 99% bullcrap. But the penis in your butt, or the semen in your mouth, no "fantasy land" about that, it really did happen. And that AP really did get those things from you; things you weren't willing to share with your H, fantasy land or not. And, why not want to visit "fantasy land" with your husband?
They get involved with someone they really do not know, who makes no commitment to their safety or well being or that of their children, and gives them everything. These women could wind up dead, raped, given an incurable disease, and certainly have put a few solid nails in the coffin of their family's sanctity. They risk their children's future. All for what? Total bullshit? These women have no idea how to love themselves, much less make their husbands even partly whole after the bomb of infidelity explodes.
I have no idea. I've started many threads on this, and tried to drive at it from a dozen different angles. If you want to have sex, the actions and effort taken to get into an A make perfect sense to me. You're going to have sex in an A, and you're taking actions to make that happen by advancing it. But if you don't, which most women claim is the case (I wasn't looking for sex) in their A, I have no idea why they do it. So you can be used by a man as a sex toy and discarded when the time comes and his W finds out? So you can have anal sex or swallow semen for someone other than your husband? Simply to hurt your H? There are some reasons I can come up with, but, frankly, none of them make a lot of sense to me, there's just no logic behind an A that's not "I wanted more sex", because almost nothing else of value will actually be gained by it.
