SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am glad to see you have changed the dynamic a bit and your WW is no longer under the mistaken impression that she is the one calling the shots. That decision tree had to have hurt like hell.

I think there are a few positive signs. But be really wary of thinking this is a linear process. For some reason I foresee a relapse in your WW's future where she takes up communication with the AP again. Be really careful about trusting too soon.

How are your girls? I'm glad you are looking out for them. My philosophy is to acknowledge to them that there are problems but to be no more specific than that, as long as R is on the table. The moment when/if you decide to divorce, though, you need to be honest with them in an age-appropriate way, according to the temperament of each. (Some kids don't need a lot of info, other kids do.) I've seen a lot of damage be done by parents trying to "take the high road" by keeping their kids in the dark about why their world is suddenly changing. It's cruel to the kids, hard on the BS, and in fact the only person it benefits is the cheater.

Very good post by annanew.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 5:07 PM, February 27th (Wednesday)]

How is the OMW?

Is the OM free to chase you wife?

If OMW kicked him out and is working towards D then you need to know this.

If OMW is working on R then that's a positive thing.

Contact OMW and follow up.

Is your WW contacting OM....has OMW found any contact between OM your WW since D-day?

Has the VAR revealed anything that might indicate you are being played?

She has been playing you and dissing you....you need to get a few steps ahead of her by confirming her true intension here!

Get the VAR.

See the lawyer to know your options and prepare for plan B.

Lets face it...WW is one way when she is next to you and a completely different person when she is not standing next to you...you really don't know that person.

The fact is if your old lady acted like you were always standing next to her this shyt never would have happened.

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 6:24 PM, February 27th (Wednesday)]

Getting into a false R is really easy to do so stay on point and just maybe your old lady just might start chasing you and this M.

Again you really need to know what's going on with the other side of this mess by touching base with the OBS/OMW!

One more thing....I'd be interested to hear what the OMW has to say about what her old man told her about the OW...your W.

More often then not it won't be good so be prepared.

And actually that's a good thing. So don't get into a pissing contest about who is the crapper spouse. Just find out what her plan is and agree to keep an eye out for each other so that the both of you can get out of infidelity one way or another.

Kids seem fine for now. Our oldest noticed how my wife had been crying again and asked what was wrong with her. I just said she's having a bad day (which was totally honest IMO). I mentioned to my WS that we will need to talk with our girls about the situation in a sanitized way. Just explain that we are dealing with some problems that are going to upset us some, but that they have nothing to do with it and we love them.

I appreciate all the wisdom shared on here from people who have been through this. It is very easy to get lured into false hope and trust. I'm not there yet but even a little flicker of light in a dark cave can be inviting to accept.

One thing I didn't mention earlier was that I dropped some info about what her AP was saying to his BS about her. Basically that he did it to get even with his W about her giving him grief for spending so much time training together. He also claims he seduced her.

I told my W that I was getting tested for STD's and she asked why. I said, "Do you really think a wealthy guy like her AP who is willing to cheat on his wife probably hasn't done this before? I told her that this wasn't something real between them and I highly doubt you were his first fling. He saw weakness in you and took advantage. I have no idea where his dick has been so I'm getting tested since I've shared the space with you." She didn't argue back.

I told my W that I was getting tested for STD's and she asked why. I said, "Do you really think a wealthy guy like her AP who is willing to cheat on his wife probably hasn't done this before? I told her that this wasn't something real between them and I highly doubt you were his first fling. He saw weakness in you and took advantage. I have no idea where his dick has been so I'm getting tested since I've shared the space with you." She didn't argue back.

STD's don't exist in unicorn land. In reality you are correct. You have no idea where he's been or with whom. I wouldn't have sex with her until she gets a full screening.

This is also a good wake up call.

[This message edited by Marz at 6:53 PM, February 27th (Wednesday)]

You have this handled!!!!

I just worry about were the other side is at and is OMW looking the other way, pissed, or what???

You guys want to talk about wake up calls?

It's a little early to say "remorse". Probably regret. I say this based on her reluctance to agree to NC letter and "not knowing what to do". Just saying early for remorse. Could be damage control.

I suggest that you ask her to get "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J. McDonald. It's a short, easy to read book. She should commit it to memory. You should read it too but it's really for her.

You did very well.

Sure...question how clean your spouse is after their betrayal...But for WW's... question the father of their children!!!

That will bring home your point with regards to how bad the wayward screwed up and how screwed the betrayed is screwed up by the deceit we now have to face.

My kids look just like me and my son has the same mannerisms (there mine)....the point here was you cant trust the wayward...not like not trusting them to just go out with friends, but the betrayal and trust is so shattered, you have to question the very core of WW being by throwing in "are those even my kids"!!!

That will get her to wake up.....but then again never under estimate the A FOG.

And your old lady is still in the fog.

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 7:21 PM, February 27th (Wednesday)]

You are handling this well Bahama.

Be totally vigilant for a while and observe actions not words. I got A LOT of words, promises, everything. 3 + years from dday, and last TT was about a year ago. The way she responded to your letter with her own, and the reversal so quickly would have my guard up.

Stay strong and vigilant.

I didn't communicate with the OBS today so I don't know what's up. All I know is that it's been far more dramatic than my confrontation was.

My WS is slowly waking up to the reality but reflecting on the whole picture, yes she is still in the fog. She had big plans with her AP this year, not just the A, but he was still her actual training and racing partner. She has an upcoming race in TX in six weeks that she was doing with him (OBS was going too) and she told me today that that's one race she won't be doing now. She cancelled the lodging reservation for it so I took that as a small good sign too. I told her I didn't mind her pursuing her hobby, she just can't do it with her AP anymore.

She is very dedicated to her sport and very rarely misses a workout. She missed hers today for sure. She did say that she didn't know how she was going to be able to still train. She's absolutely grieving for the loss of her AP. I just need to make sure that POS stays gone.

She needs to be tested for STD as well.

Has she read “how to help your spouse heal from your affair”?

It took a few friends of ours to point out what a true POS my wife's AP was before she woke up and saw it for herself.

To add, I would, in no uncertain terms, let her know that she could grieve the AP in her own private time.

To grieve him in front of you is despicable and totally disrespectful to you.

To add, I would, in no uncertain terms, let her know that she could grieve the AP in her own private time.

To grieve him in front of you is despicable and totally disrespectful to you.

Absolutely this. Tell her that if her tears aren't for what she's done to you that she can keep them to herself.

Has she delivered on the NC message?

Your WW is a highly intelligent person, you mentioned “stories” of surviving, I’d advise going back and cleaning up personal info that would ID you to her. You’ ve been careless with info, to say the least. She probably will “research” for such stories, she will want “evidence” to base a decision and a couple select terms leads one to this site. Keep this as a safe place for yourself. JMO

annanew

For some reason I foresee a relapse in your WW's future where she takes up communication with the AP again. Be really careful about trusting too soon.

I had the same impression, it just took too long for her to commit to NC. You need to get a VAR in the car and keep OBS as an ally. DO NOT give up your sources of info!

[This message edited by DeWittle at 8:47 PM, February 27th (Wednesday)]

Bahama. I sent you a PM with some info. Let me know if you can’t find the link to it from your Profile page.