SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Part of the reason you became a SAHD is so that she had the time to train and pursue her hobbies, I would make NO MORE THRIATLON training ever (it's a trigger) and devote all that energy and time to the children, that way you will have more time to work even if its just part time and get your career back and couple that with maybe some type of homebased business if that's something you can do. You trusted she was training, instead she was having sex with the trainer, result NO MORE TRAINING EVER, another consequence of her huge betrayal.

When LtCdrLost speaks- Listen to him and do what he says.

He said this:

Expose her A to family ASAP. Have her served with D papers at work. This is not going "full mean" to use your expression, it's keeping the momentum going in your direction. You have to serve your own interests now, first and foremost. Your WW is thinking only of herself.

You have done a lot of that.

Have her served with D papers at work, publicly, and have the person serving her repeat these words "You are being sued for Divorce in the state of XYZ on the grounds of Adultery, do you understand"

Flat out.

You have a problem right now, with who is driving the train...she thinks she is the boss and can put you in your place. It's time to end that notion and to do it loudly, publicly, and overtly...so her entire world knows exactly who is in charge.

She destroyed your life, destroyed your children, burned your world to ashes...

When you are facing someone that is evil on that level...burn it down.

Hi Bahama

How are you doing?

Most WSs don't get their heads out of their asses right away. They will be defiant, blameshifting, minimizing, lying liars. Some, maybe a lot, of them never will. They will remain entitled and justify.

If, the big "if", your WW comes around in a reasonable time and wants to rescue the marriage, not by rugsweeping, but actually her working on it suggest she get the book "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J. McDonald. It would be a good read for you. Do not direct her healing. You can tell her what you require, much of what is already outlined by the experienced here, to attempt to heal the marriage. It's up to her to decide and deliver.

Actions speak louder than words. Her actions.

I'm sorry you have a need to find an adultery site. Given the circumstances this is a very good place to have found. It's a long, painful haul whether you R or D. Commonly, it's communicated that it takes 2 to 5 years to heal either way. My best wishes to you, Bahama.

How about checking un with us Bahama?

I believe more than 24 hours have passed since we've heard from Bahama

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:12 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

I hope you continue posting. It's not uncommon for the OBS to start posting here after dday. She is your ally, not your enemy.

I'm still alive, it's just been a strange period since my last post.

My WS returned yesterday in time for some family obligations with our girls and was off and around the home the rest of the day, but she wasn't here if you know what I mean. She looked like me. Destroyed. Our girls were also around so I'm actually happy that we were able to keep it civil. She looked pitiful and I felt happiness and sadness at the same time. I was happy she seemed to be showing some emotion that seemed correct for the situation, yet sad that my WS that I still love was this way. I stayed 180 and went about my day. Giving her space and she gave me mine. It was a rare beautiful warm sunny February day so our girls played in our yard and on our patio a bunch after school. Our girls gathered my WS and I up and had us come outside to chalk draw and play together. I like to think that perhaps this gave her a small glimpse of what she was possibly about to lose. An unbroken family.

After we got the girls to bed we both went downstairs and sat in our living area. She wouldn't make eye contact with me and I just sat quietly and looked at her face. Several uncomfortable minutes went by and she got up to leave the room. Before should could go far I just said "That's it? You don't have anything to say to me?" This opened up a few short exchanges and then I exploded on her. This was the first time in our entire relationship where I believe I have expressed true anger towards my wife. I was dead clear, I expressed myself, I gave her 100% full credit for the affair. She tried to shift blame to me and talk about how she's been unhappy for a long time. I listened to that but made clear that marital unhappiness is totally separate from her affair actions. This went on for an hour downstairs as the floodgates on a reservoir of shit opened up between us. All the issues, and feelings, and problems past and present came flooding out at once. I eventually reined the conversation to the only question that mattered, "Are you going to end the A and tell AP that you want NC?" She just looked at me. I only gave her a few seconds to answer and then said "Well I guess I have my answer" and walked upstairs and started getting ready for bed.

She followed me up and restarted the conversation in our bedroom. She broke down and said she didn't know what to do. I gave her the options. She could take the actions I request to formally end the affair and help me to start healing and then time will tell if our marriage can be fixed. I told her that there are a lot of stories about people who have had much worse things happen and they have fought and come out even better than before. I also told her it could be a rough road of trying that could still not work and end in divorce. Or she could throw in the towel now, save me a lot of grief and time, and we could get divorced. Ultimately this conversation again led to me asking the only question that matters. "Are you going to end this with NC?" She again just looked at me so I forcefully told her she had to tell me right now or tomorrow I'll be filing for divorce. I told her that was not my wish and I hated to give such an ultimatum, but I had a life to get on with. Is it going to be alone or with her? She answered with a "yes, I'll end it." I told her that while I appreciate her saying that, I need to see action! I need her to write a NC letter to the AP, let me read it, and watch her send it. This hasn't been done yet. We were both wrecks by this time but she has agreed to do it. Don't worry, I'm taking her word with a grain of salt still.

The conversation then took a sudden turn to "Now what?" I told her as far as I can tell we have a lot of shit to work out if we have a chance. I made a point to separate the marriage problems we could try to fix from the affair. I told her the affair had destroyed me. My trust was gone and I was hurt more than she could imagine. I explained that all I could do to heal from the affair is let her know what I need, and a lot of the time she would be the only one who could act. i.e. write a NC, etc. I emphasized that her actions are what will help me heal. The marital issues aside from the A also need some major attention but that I was hopeful we could fix it. She let me know she still loved me and I returned the feeling. She showed remorse for her actions to me. She apologized for what she's done to me and the family. I believed her. When the lights went out and I was going to sleep I felt her reach across and gently touch my shoulder.

When I woke up this morning she was already up taking care of the girls and had turned off my alarm to let me sleep. Something I havn't seen her do in a long time. She still looked wrecked but her gaze seemed to have shifted from downward avoidance to looking at me as if to say please forgive me and how are you doing. We got the kids off and I only had a few minutes to speak with her before she left for work.

She had spoken to her dad yesterday and made some unfounded assumptions that had according to her made her dad angry with me. I told her I was going to contact him immediately to clear it up. She asked why I had locked her out of our online banking and said she had thought I was looking to refinance our home because of this situation so I could take the money and run. This was just the perfect storm of coincidence. Literally withing the last few days, my Firefox browser stopped working with our bank accounts probably due to some browser extension or something. If you try to log in, it takes you to a "we are experiencing difficulties" page. She assumed I had changed our passwords and locked her out. Also literally a week before D-Day I was exploring refinancing our mortgage and pulling out some equity to consolidate a student loan and a vehicle loan on better terms. She linked my work on that to the A confrontation.

I walked her out to her car to leave for work and she hugged me and again in a heartfelt voice that I believe is genuine simply said "I'm so sorry for hurting you." I thanked her and sent her on her way.

After this I immediately went to her parents where her dad and I spoke at length about the situation and cleared up the stuff she had assumed. He even had some helpful thoughts on us if we can get to the point of trying to repair.

One day at a time.

[This message edited by Bahama at 3:38 PM, February 27th (Wednesday)]

I forgot to mention that this morning I asked if she would be willing to take the step of deleting all of the AP's info from all of her devices, getting rid of the What'sapp communicator they'd been using, and even blocking his number from being able to contact her. I said she'd have to be the one to take that action and left the room. Shortly later she told me she did that as she was leaving. I will confirm later.

Doing it that way allowed her to let him know what she was doing and likely establish the method and protocol for continuing communication. Why couldn't she do that in front of you? Has she committed unequivocally to the Marriage and to you?

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 3:43 PM, February 27th (Wednesday)]

Please continue to be vigilant.

There's one thing about separating the marital issues and recovering from an affair.

Right now, marital issues need to go on the back burner.

It's as if you have two wounds. One is a gunshot to the gut (her affair). The other is a scratch on your left hand (marital issues).

Which do you work on first?

Obviously it's the gunshot wound, right?

Please continue to take care of yourself. You are going through a major trauma right now, but you are handling it well.

There may be a chance for your marriage, but in the end, it is up to what you can deal with and whether she truly shows remorse or not.

My house will be praying for your house.

Very promising so far. Under the circumstances you have done well. Stay strong. You are not alone (stay in touch).

It sounds like she's close to her parents and they got involved very quickly (in a positive way).

Stay in touch directly with the father so there are no further misunderstandings or attacks behind your back. It sounds like she's bad mouthing you every chance she gets (blame shifting) behind your back.

Her Dad is in this for the grand kids and his daughter but he's still useful to you.

She didn't want NC but obviously whatever he said to her helped.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 4:26 PM, February 27th (Wednesday)]

Your strength at this time is excellent. Stay there!!!

I've seen BS's back off which can reenable the affair.

You can tell from her reaction she did not want to go NC with her AP. Get the NC letter done ASAP. That should be her commitment to you and the family.

I would reinterate it's him or me. It's important she holds NC with the AP. It must be total and permanent.

It would be a good idea to touch base with AP's wife. See where they are at.

Make sure the AP and his wife are copied on the NC letter.

Excellent work on exposure. Some have so much fear they can't get it done.

Now their secret fantasty is out in the open. Not so much fun now that it's not secret and hidden in the dark. If your exposure hadn't worked nothing much else would have mattered anyway so the reality is you didn't have anything to lose.

Nothing can be done until the affair ends.

I'll say this too. Strength is attractive, weakness is not.

Nice work

When you check her phone, look for other social apps she could be using for future contact with AP. Look for vault apps that hide social apps also. If possible, install a keylogger on her phone and your computers at home. As you said, the is no trust in her words. It's in her actions that she will show you if she is a candidate for R.

You have done well as others have said. Keep up the pressure on her to make decisions. Continue to protect yourself. You will have time to exam the whys she did it later. The more you press now, looking for your welfare, the easier it will be for you to recover.

Double post

[This message edited by NoOptTo at 4:15 PM, February 27th (Wednesday)]

The marital issues may or may not be real. All cheaters rewrite the marital history to justify their unjustifiable actions.

You must be the bad guy in her eyes to justify the affair. This is extremely common. I would definitely elaborate this to her.

Own your issues but clarify if they are true or a falsity.

Your wife is not perfect either. Did that cause you to cheat on her? See the difference?

Verify especially upfront but expect her to provide the safety you need to stay in this.

Becoming a marriage warden long term is not a life worth living.

Upfront is a dangerous time. If they have any contact whatsoever the affair will continue. Affairs are like addictions. You get the addict around the source (AP) there will be a relapse.

What you're seeing isnt remorse. Its regret that she was caught. And her sadness is for herself, right now.

Her hesitancy indicates a strong emotional connection to the AP. Dont be lulled into a sense of security because she said she would write a NC letter. Those letters are worthless,if she wants to contact him,she will. And vice versa.

A var in her car for awhile would be a good idea.

When is she getting tested for STDs?

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:22 PM, February 27th (Wednesday)]