SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Oh love, I really fear that you have so subordinated your own injuries to his that you just can’t see how much he has ALREADY hurt you for years. He has been cheating like this for upwards of 10 years, right? That’s how long he’s been actively hurting you in the most personal and traumatic ways.

If it helps, let’s put aside the idea that he will physically harm you. Because you’re focused on defending him on that front to your own detriment right now.

The trauma that you’re in right now is no joke. It is one of the worst types of trauma that a person can experience. It has been likened to a traumatic loss of a loved one and it has also been likened to the violation of rape. It is literally going to take you YEARS to recover from if you work hard on recovery. If you rugsweep it, you will live in the trauma much longer. Ask me how I know.

You are gravely injured right now. You are in shock and don’t even realize how huge your trauma is. In the early days, it’s really hard to grasp how much damage has been done to you. You are walking wounded.

Imagine that you are hit by a car, seriously wounded and bleeding out. The other driver is uninjured. Now imagine that the person driving the other car demands that you think about how hard it is for him to see you like that, you just don’t understand how much pain he’s in, how much he’s going to suffer because of this, how much he stands to lose, how unfair it is to make him witness your bleeding and pain and injury. When you ask for his help to stop the bleeding and call an ambulance, he says that you are selfishly not focusing on his suffering and that HE’S the one who needs an ambulance and that you should be taking care of him. THAT is what he’s doing right now.

HE HAS ALREADY HURT YOU SO MUCH. It’s not over is it? Aren’t you still struggling daily with the pain? And yet, like so many of us, you are minimizing your own suffering. Making excuses for him (it was just a fantasy. He didn’t mean to hurt me. He’s not a bad person. He would never hurt me.). Why? Because you’ve probably been doing this forever. I know I was. My WHs difficulties were always bigger. His insecurities were more important than any discomfort I had to put up with to make it better for him. His needs were huge, so mine were not important by comparison. I put myself second because I loved him and wanted him to be happy.

But I just couldn’t ever be enough because his problems weren’t about me. And bottom line, he didn’t even see that I needed things or that I had emotions. He saw me as a part of himself. A part that was very helpful and convenient and comforting. But he also resented me and was angry any time that I wasn’t available to be his mom—like when I needed to be an actual mom to our actual children. When he felt that he wasn’t my absolute priority is when he started to get resentful and start indulging himself in behaviors that were absolutely devastating and harmful to me and our family. Does ANY of this ring a bell at all?

We are all worried that you are not prioritizing your own emotional well-being at the very least in favor of being defensive over whether or not he will harm you. Has he at all been similarly protective of you, your reputation, your well-being?

Please trust me that for most of us, the biggest pain came from realizing that our WHs could see the hurt that their actions had caused us and continue to be selfish and self-focused and uncaring about our pain. The biggest pain came after discovery when they continued to show us who they really were, when they continued to be dishonest, when they continued to re-traumatize us by not becoming safe partners. You are not the only person whose WH, upon discovery, engaged in horribly manipulative and self-indulgent moping about how bad it all was for them. So many of us here have commented on how the behavior after they were discovered was even more traumatizing that what they did when they thought you didn’t know. Why? Because they no longer have the excuse that what you don’t know won’t hurt you.

At the very least, this is the harm that he is doing. And he’s been doing it for a very long time. We all have to come to the realization that not only is it possible that our WSs COULD hurt us—in fact, all WSs have ALREADY harmed us in grave, life-altering, long-term ways. If you can get to the realization that the person that you are defending doesn’t exist and try to begin to accept the person that he actually IS, you will be able to begin to move forward in ways that don’t allow for you to be re-traumatized over and over moving forward. There are far too many stories here of those of us who didn’t get this for YEARS. Please believe me, the trauma that comes with that is just compounded.

If you can let down your defense of him to hear the concern for you here, it can only help you. You need a place that is concerned about you specifically. Do you have anyone in real life that you can share this with? I guarantee that they will not be worried about his feelings right now.

One more thing, if he truly seems suicidal, you are not equipped to help him. Only professionals can do that. If he threatens or intimates that, you need to call 911 and get someone who can really do something. If he’s just saying it to manipulate you, that’s just more traumatizing harm that he’s doing.

Sometimes what we least want to hear is what we really need to hear most. I hope that you’ll continue to seek support here. Everyone here knows how hard this is and how impossible it is to navigate and see clearly at the beginning.

Hugs of support to you.

Ok..you don't believe he would physically hurt you

He invited others to hurt you,in one of the worst ways a woman can be hurt. He sent your pictures to people he doesn't know. He has no idea who was on the other side of that screen. And he didn't care. It was about feeding his "fantasy."

You don't know how many other women..or men..that he shared this fantasy with. He says this,or that. But he's shown you he has no problem lying to you,so the truth is YOU DONT KNOW.

What you do know, is he sent this one woman your intimate pics. She is sick. No mentally well woman would engage in such a horrible thing. This is more than an affair. Sure lots of women will have an affair with a married men. But women who invite,and encourage such a thing as she and your husband shared? Seriously mentally ill. And she has your pictures. Maybe she had other people she shared this fantasy with. Maybe she has sent your pictures as the object for their "conversations. "

You say he won't hurt you. He has offered you up as a sacrifice to mentally unwell people. These people know who you are. They know who he is. IIRC, you said he told you the latest ow knew nothing about him. Yet he knew who she was. You messaged her. Of course she knows who he is. A nearly 3 year affair? She knows. And,now that you know,IF he has ended it totally with her, she might be angry. He has made you a target.

He has managed to put you in extreme physical danger. And he never needed to lay a hand on you.

You don’t know him. That’s the point.

Would you have KNOWN, prior to exposure, that he was incapable of the depravity of what he chose again and again to engage in?

You are so used to his disordered deflection of responsibility and manipulation that you think of his refusal to face consequences and discussion of his actions as an expression of shame or conflict avoidance.

We are asking you to consider that it is not just shame. That there are other things in the mix. We don’t know what he’s going to do but as other posters have stated there are red flags flying all over the place.

Right now you need to put yourself first and be vigilant if you choose to stay.

Verify he is doing what he says he is. Be on call or copied on emails. Clone his phone. Complete transparency- digital, financial etc.

He showed you a facade and that was who you experienced.

You don’t know anything for sure, just like we don’t. So act accordingly.

[This message edited by redrock at 12:28 AM, Wednesday, November 8th]

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’m 20 years out from my divorce following my husband’s infidelity and just decided to log on as I was helping a friend. I saw your post and my heart ached for you.

I can tell you I once had this husband who everyone including me thought was the best ever. I really thought I had hit the husband lottery. And he was my best friend and confidante and lifelong partner.

I discovered his affair with his married co worker. Although not an on line porn like situation. I had recorded phone conversations between them as well. So much of what you said resonated with me in that I realized I didn’t really know who he was. I loved the person I thought he was. But the person he was he hid from the world.

It was painful and tough but I moved on. And I can look back now and say it was the best thing I ever did. I couldn’t remain married to someone who I know longer knew, to someone who could harm me with their words, etc..

I’m sorry you are going through this. Hugs to you as you learn to survive. My ex at one point hinted at being suicidal as well and quite frankly I encouraged him to talk to his sister/family to get through because I just couldn’t take that on when I was working my through my own grief and like you acknowledging I was forever changed and would never be the same as I carried the experience with me.

Take care and truly sending lots of virtual hugs.

[This message edited by gemini_june_20 at 4:05 AM, Wednesday, November 8th]

I'm so sorry that you have found yourself here but will say it's the best place no one ever wanted to be... for support, advice, comforting words and sometimes not so comforting words that you don't want to believe or hear.

Trust me, we get it. We all were where you are at at one point in time, some situations more severe, some less. Still painful. It's truly horrifying what you are going through and again, I'm so, so very sorry for you.

I think everything pretty much has been said. Lots of good advice and support from everyone. Consider this your safe place where your wh doesn't need to be or to know about or have access to. Try to keep this site private if you can. I know after my DDay I so desperately wanted to believe and continue to trust and try to fix my husband's problems, so I shared this site with him, found a therapist, set up marriage counseling, books. I tried my darndest to commit him to the truth and honesty but to no avail. This was something he needed to do on his own but I don't think he was capable of doing it. His behaviors were so ingrained. It was the hardest thing I had to go through in my life. And then his death made things even more complicated. Broke my heart. Everything I was dealing with was so heavy and complicated.

I really do understand the horrific pain you are going through. From what I could gather I know my husband was with at least 10 other women, some longterm and other short term affairs. I have a feeling the numbers were higher. It's such a sad sad story. His behaviors caused me ptsd which I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. Can cause me headaches for days. And more. Try to get on antidepressants to help lesson the emotional pain so that maybe the damage from the trauma will be short-term. Save yourself.

Take things one day at a time, sun up to sun down because this is a living nightmare you are going through. And best to try and stay in the moment because your mind will wander. All I'm going to say is that things will get easier in time. Life is constant. Nothing stays the same, thankfully.

This is coming from a survivor of infidelity.

We are here for you.

I messaged the woman on Facebook and she replied. She couldn’t be more sorry, she said she was lonely and felt sorry for him because he seemed depressed. She said she thought she was helping him in some twisted way. She said all the texts and videos she made for him were things he’d asked her to say. It makes me feel sick even typing this but she said he would give her a scenario and tell her the names he wanted her to call me and the words to say and she would make up the story for him. She said she has no interest in rape whatsoever but did it because it’s what he wanted. She also deleted my photos and had no interest in them. She said she tried to stop talking to him three times but he would always message her and beg her to come back and tell her he loved her. She said he told her all the time how it was just fantasies and how much he loved me. She said she will regret her part in this for the rest of her life.

I don’t know how to feel. Part of me is relieved that she doesn’t really want to hurt me and won’t do anything with my photos but the other part of me is broken that my husband knew all this and for the past month he has let me believe this woman may be capable of hurting me in order to minimise the damage to himself. I feel so much anger and hatred towards him. I will never forgive him for this. How am I ever supposed to get over this.

[This message edited by Brokenandscared1 at 3:42 AM, Friday, November 10th]

I am so sorry that you are here and in such pain.

Does your husband know you contacted her? I would keep the messages and screen shot and keep them on a secret new email address that only you can access.

She will also be trying to protect herself, I am unsure if the police would be that interested but if the dopamine from his messages and attention has worn off she may be realising she has been extremely foolish. You can see her family and friends on her account for example - she’s unlikely to want them to be aware. She may also fear arrest.

As for your husband you know he is a liar. He will lie to save his own skin.

Have you read ‘the body knows the score’? It’s a book on trauma. It is worth reading. If you are really struggling you may need to reread it. I lost focus in the first year or so and couldn’t retain information. I’m still not good now. Maybe make notes as you read.

Can you access an EMDR therapist?

Love yourself like your life depends on it is another book.it’s by Kamil Ravikant. He was in a terrible place and wrote a book on exactly what he did to help himself. It’s a very easy read and has very simple instructions to follow. No thought required just do what he says.

It helped me. I was in a really bad way. I had previous bad stuff happen to me but a cheating spouse has really made me question who people are. How they hide and lie about who they are. Not everyone but more than we realise. I now fully understand how people didn’t realise they were living with a murderer or rapist or criminal etc . I still think most people are trying to do the right thing Most the time but we never truly know who is just pretending. It has affected me far more than previous sexual assaults etc did.

Hope you are okay today

[This message edited by Abcd89 at 9:35 AM, Friday, November 10th]

Does your husband know you contacted her? I would keep the messages and screen shot and keep them on a secret new email address that only you can access

Yes I’ve told him and he’s said she’s lying. He says she was as bad as him and no one held a gun to her head and made her say all those things. I sent her the screenshots of what she said and the photos so she knows I have all this evidenced and I think my husband is right in that she’s trying to downplay her part in this to minimise damage. I could ruin her life with what I have on her and she knows that. I don’t believe anyone would go along with someone’s fantasies for 2.5 years just because they claim to feel sorry for them and think it’s helping them. I feel stupid for believing what she said now. I’ll probably never know the whole truth because I suspect they’re both lying.

I’ll have a look at the books that have been suggested. I’m on the waiting list to see a trauma specialist and have been offered CBT but I’ll also look into EMDR if that doesn’t help. One way or another I’ll try and get through this.

[This message edited by Brokenandscared1 at 11:05 AM, Friday, November 10th]

It's common for the WS and the AP to throw each other under the bus when shit hits the fan. You are wise to assume both are lying/minimizing to cover their own asses.

You have enough information to wreak havoc in both of their lives. They know that and they are ONLY concerned with their own lives right now, not yours.

I'm glad you're seeking help.

[This message edited by TheEnd at 12:03 PM, Friday, November 10th]

Brokenandscared1,

You are working so hard to come to terms with this shocking betrayal and to try to reach the bottom of the pit of deception so you can stand on something solid. The amount of work you are putting in is so evident, and I remember the desperation that drove me to work like that.

Yet you acknowledge that it's almost impossible to decipher the truth. You know he has reasons to continue to lie and is definitely capable of deep deception, and she certainly might be lying to minimize her guilt too.

Would distancing yourself from him for a while help you gain some clarity and stability?
I mean distancing physically and also in communication.

Could he go stay with someone else for a while?
Or, could you and you daughter stay somewhere else? During this time, could you insist on no communication and have a way to email maybe about emergencies only?

I wonder if some distance might give you a much needed break and allow all that has happened to settle with you.

I do remember vividly the desperation that trauma gave me, and I want to encourage you that it's okay to disengage and take a break from it as much as possible.

Could he go stay with someone else for a while?

He isn’t living with me. When I found out I threw him out and he has found somewhere else to live. I am still communicating with him via text and occasional phone calls as I keep finding out new information and need to get answers from him.

We always recommend that you never contact the OW.

This person had no problem engaging in an affair,and these sick stories about you,for 3 years. You have zero reason to believe anything she has said. She knows you could send screenshots to her family,so of course she's going to downplay her role in this.

Also, they have absolutely spoken since you found out. They've gotten stories straight.

Stop contacting her. There is nothing to gain from it. You feel better that she won't harm you. Dear lady, if a psychopath has been engaging in this behavior for 3 years, if they were fantasizing about hurting you(still), they certainly wouldn't tell you.

You have been manipulated,and gaslit for so long,that you've been trained to believe what people tell you. Even when, they've talked about it for years. That's not an insult. He has psychologically abused you,and that has long lasting affects.

I know you think we are all bitter,and overreacting. But we really aren't. Several of us have worked with abuse victims. It was my career for years. I very clearly see who he is,because he is no different than the men that abused the women I spoke to.

We have a different perspective because we aren't blinded by love for him.

I know. We don't know him. My dear, neither do you. You know who he wanted you to know. He's a dangerous man.

You were in a terribly abusive relationship before meeting this man. He knew that. It worked to his advantage. You are in a horribly abusive marriage now. Right now.

Block the ow. She got off on the thought of causing you severe pain. For years. When you contact her,and give her a window into your pain, she's probably enjoying it. They both are.

I fully second Hellfire’s comments. You have no reason to believe anything either of them is saying. I wouldn’t rule out police involvement if I were you, the stakes are just too high for you. I hope you really prioritize yourself in this process, your safety and your mental health.

Ink,my friend, thank you so much for commenting. There have been very few men on this thread..probably because it involves rape(virtual rape is still a form of rape). I hope more men comment.

I just caught up on this thread, so sorry for posting before having read everything.

I’m about a year and a half out from D-Day, I’ve been thru a lot and I’ve been a collector of stories here. I say this out of a sense of desiring your good: your story stands out as dangerous and heinous. IMO, this is not even just run of the mill infidelity, which is soul killing enough. If I knew this story about my sister or my daughter, I would come across the world to get them out. Do not let self harm threats manipulate you to keep yourself and your child at risk. You need to think about you and your daughter.

Sadly I have a further update. I’ve found out one of the women he was messaging is a work colleague. He claims they started sharing sexual fantasies at work and it progressed to to messaging online. He says there’s been no physical contact, however I’m not sure if I believe this or not. He also sent her one of my photos. This is despite him telling me he would never have shared them with anyone in real life. All the stuff he said about keeping it online so it’s separate from real life was lies.

I’m completely done now. I hate him for what he’s done to me. I contacted a divorce lawyer this afternoon and i’m going ahead with divorce. I need to start trying to move forward with my life.

Very sorry to read this but not surprised. It’s called trickle truth and there is bound to be more. He was active in that putrid world for so long, and he is hiding more. Please take care of you and go no contact. Get the D process going and have him served. You will get through this to a better place.

Not surprised given the depths of his depravity. I doubt he’s reached his bottom. He’s sunk pretty low but I would bet there is more, so much more that you don’t know. Get your divorce. He’s NOT a safe partner.

So sorry, but not really surprised. It's rare that they come 100% clean the first time.

I am so so sorry. Most of us have learned more and it is heartbreaking. I am glad you are finding your anger and your power. and you are strong and powerful. good job seeing a lawyer.

Keep taking care of yourself and take those steps to move forward. This is really hard but you are doing the right thing to protect yourself and your kids.