SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Jeez, what a guy she picked! File this under "They Always Affair Down".

It doesn’t feel like this. It feels like I’ve accepted that it’s over. I’m sure that I’ll fluctuate and I still have a lot of pain.

With regard to your replies just above. You're on what we call "The Rollercoaster".

You're going to go up and down, your resolve will weaken and come back, you'll love her and hate her, want her then be disgusted and repulsed by her.

But trust me brother, you're doing well. I can point you to some threads where the dude is doing everything wrong and letting his wife walk all over him. The trick is to maintain your edge by being detached and not needy. The best way to get there is generally through anger rather than expressing hurt.

Anger is not a good thing in and of itself but you should be angry. She just thew away her marriage and family - her life! - for some dude who is a garbage person.

I don’t think she realizes this.

Personally, if she did tried to engage me in conversation, before I walked away, I would let her know that the douche only wanted her for her orifices and that she is nothing but another hole to him, that she threw away her self-respect, her husband, and her family to be some unemployed bum's pleasure hole.

It's rough, but it's also the truth. This is extremely hurtful to you as well, I know.

***

When she says she needs help, it seems like she wants you to help her. She has it turned around. She needs to help you and she needs to help herself.

But you can help her by demanding no contact, absolute unflinching truthfulness, consistent and on-demand transparency, and complete ownership of her prior and current actions.

FYI, if she deleted conversations etc. it is possible to recover them (though not guaranteed) if you care to view them. I am not sure it is helpful in your case, but if you would like to know how, I can help you.

***

I think in your note to the Aunt, yeah, you said a bit too much, but you did expose her and that is the most important thing.

Next time, keep it short, just be like "FYI, things are gonna change in the TheLostOne2020 family because wife is cheating with an unemployed serial cheater fuckstick who lives in a van down by the casino"

***

Good luck, keep on trucking, you are making the right realizations and taking the right actions.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 6:09 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]

MC while she is still actively cheating is a joke. Please, tell me you canceled this. There are currently 3 people in this marriage... would OM like to join the session? I haven't read others posts on this so i'm not sure if I'm repeating what's been said.

Next time your WW want's to talk tell her that there is nothing to talk about since she hasn't ended things with OM. She needs to do this via an email that YOU READ. If she says she not ready, tell her fine that she can have him, that she can continue to date him but not as your wife. That you are making moves to take yourself out of infidelity now and if she gets her act together she can try to persuade you otherwise but that everyday she is becoming less and less appealing and it is going to become harder for her to earn back your trust.

She is going to react to you telling her Aunt and or your friend and or anyone else you tell. Don't buy into it. she will say things like "it should have stayed just between us... and you can say that the marriage should have stayed just become you two...

To help you maintain 180 use lines like -

I'm sorry you feel that way.

Unless you have ended the Affair there is nothing to talk about.

She should not have a face to face break-up with him. It should be via email/text and you should read it before she sends it.

I don't think this was an exit affair. I think she is just someone that wants to have her cake and eat it too. Your best bet is to take away the cake. The reason she want's to talk is because she wasn't to access where you are with the marriage. Each time you talk you give her more time to keep the family in limbo.

Good luck. Again do not go to MC while she is still actively in the affair.

I agree no facetime!

She breaks up with an impersonal text or a brief 20 second phone call that you listen to (record?).

So, your WW suggested MC?

Ask her who should attend....

You, her and the AP?

Perhaps her and the AP?

Or maybe you and the AP?

These cheaters just don't get it.

Sorry, your other questions: I asked her to FaceTime him and break it off. She wasn’t ready yet.

She has said she doesn’t want a divorce, but she said she didn’t know if she could stay away from him. She says a lot of shit.

This is all you need to know to simply file for D and not look back, please get rid of this proven cheater and liar, now do a copy paste of the text to her aunt, edit the recipient's name and send it to everyone else on both sides of the family, end this nightmare, your WW not even close to being R material by a very long shot, she's still in an ongoing A and refuses to end it, she's essentially killed the M, now make it official and have her served without warning, at this point you have NOTHING more to discuss about the M or relationship, just division of assets and co-parenting.

Keep posting frequently, you're in the fight of your life, protect your children, her relationship with her unemployed boyfriend will most likely implode eventually and you don't want to be anywhere near that.

So I failed in not sending her a text this morning. Oh fucking well. I'm not perfect, I'm human.

This is what I sent - a few things changed:

So I’ve been processing things and I’m fucking furious. I read and reread the initial texts where you slam me and shower praise on him. You pin all the sexual dysfunction that occurred early in our relationship on me. I did have some issues – I take responsibility for those, I fucking worked on those. I tried multiple things (I ate your ass for fuck’s sake). But did you forget that I was a virgin prior to you? Did you forget that whenever we’d try the new things you wanted that you wouldn’t be explicit in what you wanted – you’d say something but expect me to perform at top performance with this activity that was new to me. Then instead of talking more, you’d cry or get pissed. You have a significant problem communicating and accepting that people cannot just automatically adhere to your standards. This occurs outside of the bedroom – driving, cooking, fucking talking to each other. If I’m interested in something and I try to talk to you about it – you are bored and shut me down. You never actually want to fucking talk to me about anything. You talk about being lonely and isolated? How the fuck do you think that makes me feel? Do you know how many things I tried to find interest in to have something to talk to you about?

Your words are lies. Every time we talk about ‘us’ you manipulate me by giving me hope. You don’t love me and you might never have. You’ve always been critical of me over the tiniest of infractions. I must disgust you. How could you do this to someone? You know what you can do to help? A few times a week you should go to [The Fuck Stick] and go fuck him. That will remind me how horrible you treat me and it will remind me that your words are lies.

Yeah...That's probably not helpful. I'm generally more detached and less mad - when we get in fights I will get pissed, but keep it to the topic and not try to throughout hurtful stuff.

I just don't fucking care.

She responded with some wishy washy bullshit. I was a little pissed so I didn't read closer. It was more of the same BUT she mentioned marriage counseling again.

My initial response was 'what the fuck ever' (but I missed the part of MC).

I reread it, and wrote:

"Oh and we aren't going to a counselor together. Waste of fucking time and money. Take your new boyfriend."

Over all not terribly helpful, but I feel true to myself. At least today. I regret not reading the initial text closely, since it meant that I had to send two texts.

[This message edited by TheLostOne2020 at 7:38 AM, January 6th (Monday)]

It's only in the movies (not real) where people speak smoothly & calmly and say every word exactly the way they planned.

Communication is sloppy by nature so don't apologize for expressing yourself to your wife. Congrats for standing up for yourself and it's fine to express anger.

She responded with some wishy washy bullshit. I was a little pissed so I didn't read closer. It was more of the same BUT she mentioned marriage counseling again.

My initial response was 'what the fuck ever' (but I missed the part of MC).

I reread it, and wrote:

"Oh and we aren't going to a counselor together. Waste of fucking time and money. Take your new boyfriend."

Over all not terribly helpful, but I feel true to myself. At least today. I regret not reading the initial text closely, since it meant that I had to send two texts.

That's far better than "pick me!". Good job. Now get back to the 180. You're hurting yourself too much by not sticking with it.

The 180 is for YOU. Who cares what she thinks of it? Don't use it for manipulation. She's cornered the market on manipulation. Let that be her investment, not yours.

Tell her there will be no MC. The marriage didn't cheat. You didn't cheat. She cheated. She needs IC, for a significant amount of time, before you even consider MC. She needs to show you she is working on herself,and is 100% committed to trying to repair the enormous amount of damage she has caused, before you consider even attempting reconciliation. Tell her she has to do all the heavy lifting, while you are trying to heal from the abuse and trauma she has heaped upon you. And that she better figure out real fucking quick that no marriage is perfect, but normal people don't just jump on another man's dick because they're not happy. That she had a fuck ton of other options that didn't involve fucking another man. Where was her plea for MC when she felt so neglected? Exactly. It's a fucking excuse, and and she needs to STFU with that shit.

That's far better than "pick me!". Good job. Now get back to the 180. You're hurting yourself too much by not sticking with it.

Yeah, I know. All this morning I've been releasing my rage. I need to detach. Not for manipulation, for sanity. This is insane right now.

Tell her there will be no MC. The marriage didn't cheat. You didn't cheat. She cheated. She needs IC, for a significant amount of time, before you even consider MC. She needs to show you she is working on herself,and is 100% committed to trying to repair the enormous amount of damage she has caused, before you consider even attempting reconciliation. Tell her she has to do all the heavy lifting, while you are trying to heal from the abuse and trauma she has heaped upon you. And that she better figure out real fucking quick that no marriage is perfect, but normal people don't just jump on another man's dick because they're not happy. That she had a fuck ton of other options that didn't involve fucking another man. Where was her plea for MC when she felt so neglected? Exactly. It's a fucking excuse, and and she needs to STFU with that shit.

I did - well, I said she could go with her fucking boyfriend. I'm sure they'll have some issues to work out.

She hasn't shown me shit. She's just cried the victim. "I'm weak". Bullshit. She has claimed to be about independent women in the past. Feminist (not 3rd wave) and all that shit. A woman can do what a man does. That stuff.

This shit is utterly nauseating that's coming out of her mouth. She fucked me over and she's not lifting a finger to help me? I should help HER?

She has said she doesn’t want a divorce, but she said she didn’t know if she could stay away from him. She says a lot of shit.

Lost One,

Just please read the above again. I hope you have taken the advice and cancelled any marriage therapy with her. What kind of therapist takes money from a betrayed spouse knowing the cheater is still actively cheating????

You have been given all the tools and advice by others here that can possible be given. its time for you to play hardball knowing even if she reluctantly tells you she will let him go that you will be in limbo wondering if the statement above she made is true.

She is cheating right in front of you. Can anything be more disrespectful. Its time for you to put a stop to it one way or the other.

Lost One,

Just please read the above again. I hope you have taken the advice and cancelled any marriage therapy with her. What kind of therapist takes money from a betrayed spouse knowing the cheater is still actively cheating????

First, nice username - it's apt for me since I've been raging all morning. Ugh.

Second, I don't know if she cancelled the MC - I've told her I'm not going. I'm not.

You have been given all the tools and advice by others here that can possible be given. its time for you to play hardball knowing even if she reluctantly tells you she will let him go that you will be in limbo wondering if the statement above she made is true.

At this point she's telling me she's too weak to let him go. She's still calling him. I'm so fucking done at this point.

She is cheating right in front of you. Can anything be more disrespectful. Its time for you to put a stop to it one way or the other.

Yup.

I sent you a PM. You can find it from your profile page.

A few pages back I gave you some sample words to use. You’d be best served to review them and then send a message such as that. It tells her exactly what you need to see to someday be able to consider working with her on your broken marriage. Until you see and hear those things there is no use to talking any more.

After sending such a message, no more talking. Kids and finance, that’s it.

You need to find your strength in such difficult circumstances. If you can, you will thank yourself down the line.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 9:02 AM, January 6th (Monday)]

Sorry to hear about your situation 'LostOne'. You have two main goals in all of this. 1. Get yourself out of infidelity and 2. Take your life back.

It's only been a few days since you've been notified of your WW's activities so it's normal that you're going through a confusing mess of emotions. It takes everyone time to get their head straight. Though you don't think so, you are doing fairly well for where you are in the processing stages. I can see that you like the rest of us, made some mistakes in the beginning. The goal at this point is to continue to correct those mistakes and make as few as possible going forward.

It would seem that your WW is not R material. She hasn't ended the relationship with the other man and I'd highly suspect she's taken her contact with him underground. I'd also suspect that she plans to go to him once you two separate. This actually works in your favor because she'll be more amicable with the divorce agreement and subsequent disillusion. You're likely going to end up with some child support until they're 18 years old. Just make sure that you have no legal obligations to her; let that be fully on her boyfriend's shoulders. Also, either take full possession of the house or sell it. Don't pay for a house for her and the other man.

Also, be upfront and straight with your kids. You know how emotional limbo feels and the pain it causes. Kids get mentally scarred when they're left in emotional limbo. Don't do that to your kids. Let them know why there are issues. Let then know what their mother has done and why you're having a difficult time living with her now. Let them know when you decide to divorce. Let them know that you'll keep them informed as things change and that they are going to be taken care of regardless of what you and their mother decide. They need security in knowing that they aren't the cause of the problem, that they are going to be fine, that you and their mother are going to take care of them and make sure that they're safe, that you're not going to leave them in the dark about what's going on, and that you and their mother aren't going to abandon them. If they're secure in these things, they'll be fine.

Because of the length of time it takes to finalize a divorce, some lawyers will work out a payment plan with you. That should be something you ask about.

Lastly, continue to realize that you have value. Your wife's choices have nothing to do with you, rather they have everything to do with her emotional and mental issues. You noted in an earlier post that she treats you badly and that you can't measure up to her 'standards' (like she a cheater has any). She's got issues and it's not your place to fix them. She's chosen to break apart your marriage and her own family. This is all on her; it has nothing to do with you. Take your freedom back. Start your new life now. Go through the motions until it becomes the new you. Realize also that your emotionally retarded wife has given you a gift. You can take your life back and choose a brighter future. You can be better and stronger than you ever where before. She chose a path for herself. It's your turn now to choose a path for yourself. I wish the best for you.

I sent you a PM. You can find it from your profile page.

A few pages back I gave you some sample words to use. You’d be best served to review them and then send a message such as that. It tells her exactly what you need to see to someday be able to consider working with her on your broken marriage. Until you see and hear those things there is no use to talking any more.

Thanks, I'll have to check it out.

After sending such a message, no more talking. Kids and finance, that’s it.

You need to find your strength in such difficult circumstances. If you can, you will thank yourself down the line.

Will do. I think I have to get out of this mood. I've been all rage all day. I said something true, but really mean. I said that she'd better not transfer this stuff to the kids. She didn't understand so I said:

"That means I don't want you to put the spineless cheating jellyfish trait onto them. Especially my daughter. She needs to be a strong independent woman. Not a weak willed selfish person who hates her family enough to destroy it. Can you imagine if she grows up to be like you?"

Then I said enough talking.

Sorry to hear about your situation 'LostOne'. You have two main goals in all of this. 1. Get yourself out of infidelity and 2. Take your life back.

It's only been a few days since you've been notified of your WW's activities so it's normal that you're going through a confusing mess of emotions. It takes everyone time to get their head straight. Though you don't think so, you are doing fairly well for where you are in the processing stages. I can see that you like the rest of us, made some mistakes in the beginning. The goal at this point is to continue to correct those mistakes and make as few as possible going forward.

I'm really trying but this shit is so hard. I've never been so angry in my life.

It would seem that your WW is not R material. She hasn't ended the relationship with the other man and I'd highly suspect she's taken her contact with him underground. I'd also suspect that she plans to go to him once you two separate. This actually works in your favor because she'll be more amicable with the divorce agreement and subsequent disillusion. You're likely going to end up with some child support until they're 18 years old. Just make sure that you have no legal obligations to her; let that be fully on her boyfriend's shoulders. Also, either take full possession of the house or sell it. Don't pay for a house for her and the other man.

She hasn't taken her contact underground - she's still admitting it to me. She just hasn't stopped. I told her that she needs to call him up and end it. She says 'I can't'. I said promise me you won't call him unless that's what you are doing. If you get the urge, use the EAP line. She promised. Guess what, she lied. Again. Again and again. Because she's the victim, she needs help!

UGH. Sorry, I shouldn't be fucking sarcastic here.

Also, be upfront and straight with your kids. You know how emotional limbo feels and the pain it causes. Kids get mentally scarred when they're left in emotional limbo. Don't do that to your kids. Let them know why there are issues. Let then know what their mother has done and why you're having a difficult time living with her now. Let them know when you decide to divorce. Let them know that you'll keep them informed as things change and that they are going to be taken care of regardless of what you and their mother decide. They need security in knowing that they aren't the cause of the problem, that they are going to be fine, that you and their mother are going to take care of them and make sure that they're safe, that you're not going to leave them in the dark about what's going on, and that you and their mother aren't going to abandon them. If they're secure in these things, they'll be fine.

They know a little bit, that mom and dad are going through a serious issue and it's mom's fault. We are going to tell them more later. I don't think I can tell them right now.

Because of the length of time it takes to finalize a divorce, some lawyers will work out a payment plan with you. That should be something you ask about.

This all depends on whether we can be amicable. If we can, then it could amount to $2,500. But... That's a big if.

Lastly, continue to realize that you have value.

Thank you - I've been in a dark hole.

Your wife's choices have nothing to do with you, rather they have everything to do with her emotional and mental issues. You noted in an earlier post that she treats you badly and that you can't measure up to her 'standards' (like she a cheater has any). She's got issues and it's not your place to fix them. She's chosen to break apart your marriage and her own family. This is all on her; it has nothing to do with you. Take your freedom back. Start your new life now. Go through the motions until it becomes the new you. Realize also that your emotionally retarded wife has given you a gift. You can take your life back and choose a brighter future. You can be better and stronger than you ever where before. She chose a path for herself. It's your turn now to choose a path for yourself. I wish the best for you.

I want to. This is so hard.

Thank you.

LostOne

We know it’s hard. But once you start going on offense instead of absorbing all her lying and cheating you will be amazed at how your mental state will gradually improve .

If she leaves the house to go bang him again you need to have the divorce papers ready for her when she returns. You can stop it anytime you want to although in your case I believe you would be crazy without a polygraph proving she had ceased contact with him

Otherwise after what she had told you, you will be looking over your shoulder indefinitely

You are the only one that can help yourself. Do it and you will be much better off.

One last thing. I strongly recommend you do not confront this other man. So you beat him to a pulp and wind up

In jail. Or worse . He doesn’t give a rats ass about you or your family . Do not plead with him to stop banging your wife

It only

Makes you look weak

First, nice username - it's apt for me since I've been raging all morning. Ugh.

Lost, now is a delicate time for reconciliation, if that is even still on the table. Listen to BeyondRage and read his saga (and it's a saga and a half). You are dealing with anger issues now. Believe me when I say this, this is where I was. You are emerging from the shock and awe of the betrayal and now just want to rage to the heavens. The trick is to use anger for focus and clarity, to keep you out of shock. It will keep you grounded in what HAS to be done. It will remind you that you are NOT the one who wronged your marriage, you are the victim of betrayal. Anger will focus you on your own list of non negotiable items to move forward with, if she is truly capable of reconciliation.

Ultimately, you can't control her, you only control YOU. If she isn't interested in putting in the work, you stay in practical mode. Stay calm even when angry, and stop rage-texting. That only gives her the idea that she has some influence over what you will do. She doesn't. Only you can decide your actions going forward. She checked out of that role when she decided to sleep with the AP she can't seem to quit.

Best of luck going forward and continue to check in here. I really empathize with what you are going through.

Lost one

Please, listen to Beyond Rage. Your wife has zero respect for you.

Do the 180 and full speed ahead with divorce. Your life, in the long run, will be better.

So will your children’s.

We know it’s hard. But once you start going on offense instead of absorbing all her lying and cheating you will be amazed at how your mental state will gradually improve .

God damn I hope so.

If she leaves the house to go bang him again you need to have the divorce papers ready for her when she returns. You can stop it anytime you want to although in your case I believe you would be crazy without a polygraph proving she had ceased contact with him

I can't get them that quick. I want an amicable divorce, which means we have to be separate but under one roof and we either have to go to a mediator OR we can come up with a separation agreement and my lawyer can draft it up.

That said, I plan on doing some research on separation agreements so I can have a template to work with or something.

Otherwise after what she had told you, you will be looking over your shoulder indefinitely

Yes, true.

You are the only one that can help yourself. Do it and you will be much better off.

True.

One last thing. I strongly recommend you do not confront this other man. So you beat him to a pulp and wind up

In jail. Or worse .

I have kids, have power-lifted for several years, I have no intention of running into him. I'm mostly focused on my wife, I don't really feel any animosity towards him, to be honest - BUT IF I SEE HIM it could be a whole other story. I don't want the kids to see me in jail.

He doesn’t give a rats ass about you or your family . Do not plead with him to stop banging your wife

It only Makes you look weak

To be honest I have been entertaining serious notions of calling him up and telling him to convince my wife to move in with him. Probably a pointless phone call, but whatever.