SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Monotone -- I know you are reeling with the new information bombarding you for the past few days. I really hope you are taking care of yourself and staying safe. A lot of us here are worried about you.

You need to set up a P. O. Box and get all your mail re-routed to it. Let her stay at the house...it is no longer SAFE for you to be there! Do not spend one more second talking to her about ANYTHING...you owe her nothing!

Monotone,

Based on an Alaska cruise, not noting WW (who doesn’t bring in any money) could pay for OM, living in a gated community, wife not working and the benefits your job seems to offer then I guess you are not shifting boxes in a warehouse. Guess you are in a job that requires some proven skill or mental capacity (not suggesting shifting boxed doesn’t though…). So, I’m going to appeal to your capability to think and rationalize.

I have a reputation here on SI of being a relatively no-bullshit sort of guy. I think it’s a result of my law-enforcement training and experience, but I often state that to get out of infidelity you need to deal with reality and cut all drama. What you are dealing with IMHO might be drama, but the risk IF it’s true is too immense. You really need to treat what’s going on with maximum severity. Depending on the size of your community then chances are you won’t be the first jilted dead husband your police department must deal with this year…

You say this was the first infidelity in the marriage, but it’s the second in the relationship. A 6-year relationship… In fact, it’s the second KNOWN infidelity. For all you know there could be a string of OM, or that maybe she and this OM have been at it for all the time. But it doesn’t really matter – ANY infidelity is a strong indicator of something being wrong and there are too many things in THIS present affair that indicate you are in DANGER.

Like others I strongly suspect your WW and the OM of foul-play. I also worry that the present actions might speed up whatever plans they have in mind and think you should take some very serious precautions.

1) Assume the worst. Feeling like a fool a couple of days from now will hurt less than feeling your breath choked out of you or feeling the blood seep from your body.

2) Do NOT go home.

3) Ensure there is no way she can monitor you.

a. Does your phone have any location service? Could she find you using find-my-phone or any other comparable feature?

b. Does she have access to your credit-card transactions online? Could she see a charge from a hotel or rental?

4) Depending on where you go then consider parking your car at the nearest airport and taking a rental car for a couple of days. Even if she can trace the charge she can’t see if it’s a black Toyota or a green Ford.

5) I’m not sure you have enough to get any legal actions started, but (as a former cop) then definitely go to your local police department and voice your concerns.

6) Do you have a family-attorney? Phone him and ask how you can change the BENEFICIARY of the will NOW. At the VERY LEAST then make a notarized documentation stating that in case of foul play the beneficiary is your favorite charity, mom or even SI. You can even do this legally on-line.

7) At the same time make a notarized document outlining what you know.

8) Send your WW an email telling her that you have changed the beneficiary of the insurance temporarily and that the change was done in a legal and accepted manner. Let her know you have shared what you know about her affair and the other man with your attorney and he as a notarized affidavit outlining your story.

9) Contact the manager of the housing project or the chief of security and tell him the guard had pointed out there was someone with an access card provided in your name that you question. Commend the guard for being so vigil and ask that immediately ALL cards allocated to you are made inactive. Ask that one new card is delivered to the house, and that you will pick up a second card on Monday in person.

10) Have a good friend you can confide in? If possible, get to stay with him OR get him to stay with you at the hotel/motel you go to. Take extra precautions – don’t go out after dark. Don’t answer the door. Keep to public places.

The above are the steps I want you to take for NOW. For today and Monday. On Monday go to HR at your company or your manager and be totally honest about your situation. Get the life-insurance issue cleared and MAKE SURE your WW knows of the change and that if anything happens to you the police will be dragging her in even before your body reaches room-temperature.

How to move on from there… Not the issue right now. Usually people either R (reconcile) or D (divorce). We can help you if you get to the stage where you can choose between R or D. This “other” D – dead… we can’t do so much about.

Monotone, you've heard from several law enforcement on this site.

(Bigger, Western, Forged1)

This is not a haha joke.

Bigger gave you great advice as well as everyone else. I'm getting chills reading these posts!

Please keep posting and let us know you are safe!

[This message edited by Wool94 at 8:49 AM, August 20th (Sunday)]

Not to T/J, but I just want to be clear on something. I am not law enforcement. I have never done those duties in the US. I was an LEO before moving to the US.

I work as a criminal defense investigator here. Which means I see this stuff from the side of the people who (allegedly) did it.

I have nothing to add. Except two questions.

1-Your lifestyle isn't indicative of a gulliable man. Why have you believed these lies?

2-Does your wife watch Major Crimes? This is a plot from one of the episodes including the security guard.

Monotone, did you read what Forged wrote to you? Did you pay attention to what he does for a living? Did you hear what Bigger has said to you? I will throw my 2cents in the hat and say that you NEED to take your evidence to the police NOW. I agree that you need to have the security officer meet you there. I wonder what other evidence he has seen or heard to back up our supposition.

My experience? I am a critical incident stress Debriefer. I am one of the guys who talks to the families and survivors of tragedies. After the fact.

Get to the police.

Don't go home. My earlier advice was wrong. Don't involve a friend physically. Let LEO's handle this.

Forged1, Bigger, and 5454 have been trained to spot this shit. They're not alarmists...but staid and steady with a combined wealth of knowledge. Subject Matter Experts, if you will.

Follow the road maps provided to you by them and hie thee to a police station RIGHT NOW.

I have nothing to add. Except two questions.

1-Your lifestyle isn't indicative of a gulliable man. Why have you believed these lies?

2-Does your wife watch Major Crimes? This is a plot from one of the episodes including the security guard.

^^^^^This

Monotone,

Today you can do virtually everything suggested to you. Including contacting your manager to get time off this upcoming week. You can identify attys to contact immediately Monday morning. Do you have a family attorney, one that perhaps prepared a will for you, or did other legal work? You can call them today to explain your sitch, get a referral to a D atty. Change your Will, or get one established. Contact close blood relatives and tell them you need their support.

Get some momentum going. You've been horribly abused. Time to take back power.

People are here for you. Check back in to tell us what you have done so far.

Well, Monotone, some folks have asked a few legit questions. Is this a wind-up based on some episode of a TV show? Do Please put their minds at rest.

Monotone,

I found it unusual that the HOA security cam showed your front door. You did state that your are the second house from the security gate. Most security cams at the guard post would cover the approach to the post and the exit from the post in order to catch license plate numbers. I'm not ruling out that the proximity to your house means the cam always picked up your front door.That did jump out at me.

I am taking what you say at face value; the risk is too great otherwise.

Regarding the cruise, for her to have booked him, she would have to had to have had his name, address, phone, #, and passport number to book him. And the travel agent or cruise consultant at the cruise line would have had to have had to cross referenced all of you to put you at the same table for dinner. I would use this avenue to figure out who he is.

I ususally dont post here, but this one stood out. Call me crazy but I think Monotone made this all up. Everything seems strange from wife not working ( they dont have kids) and someone being in his house after they had sex. And there are other red flags that just didnt add up. Like,even though they dont have kids , they don't spend time together, have sex once a month, and all of these after being married for inly 5 years? And he doesnt get suspicious or mad at her ? And uses jokes ? May be he has a good imagination or wants attention ? Who knows?

He could be in shock and overwhelmed that his world as he knew it just blew up in a nuclear way. We have no way of knowing.

If this is indeed true, we can only give him the best advice we collectively know. It's up to him to act on it. Which I sincerely hope he does.

If the guard has seen two men, who are not on the list of visitors, entering with a card - shouldn't he call the police or stop them?

I hope this story is not true. My question is...How did she change his life insurance on his policy. Only the policy holder can change open enrollment updates.

Or a person that the insurance company believes is the policy holder. And who has all of the policy holder's information. And is male.

As to the security guard, what he is or isn't supposed to report to the police is going to depend on the company policy as agreed with the HOA. These things vary.

I don't watch the show that folks here have referenced. If this is a carbon copy of the script and this is all a windup ..well, then that's the height of bad form and I hope Monotone gets the worse case of septic hemmeroids ever.

But remember. This is an infidelity survival site, after all, and we've seen at least one member's WS end up killing somebody for insurance, and go to prison for it. So, I'll take what he's saying at face value given that he's here and posting as a BS just the same as I'd take the JFO post of any other BS at face value.

Let's see how this one shakes out over the next twenty-four hours.

[This message edited by Forged1 at 12:15 PM, August 20th (Sunday)]

We need to err on the side of caution here. That he is being truthful and try to help him out. I'd rather he possibly get some info here that helps possibly save his life than not. I'd hate to find out this was true and something awful happened and we just blew him off.

If it is a lie and he is pulling our legs what is the worst that has happened to us ?? I got more efficient at typing on my laptop - we are not that unaware that we let anyone else suffer on the board - he got a lot of replies - but others were taken care of on this site. Point is if it's a lie it was a great story to read - but karma will be his in the end.

So monotone let us know an update - please.

Please know I wasn't accusing him of making anything up. I asked if his wife watches the show Major Crimes. As this mimics an episode. People get ideas from TV.