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Didn't say you were. But you've raised something that bears examination nonetheless.

Which, incidentally, is very much appreciated. SI is, after all, about the collective wisdom of the members. Everyone has something to offer.

How did she change his life insurance on his policy. Only the policy holder can change open enrollment updates.

It's plausible that she could have changed it. Depending. She could have forged his name. According to OP, insurance was on her radar given the 10x attempt.

Like all of his other financial aspects, monotone was not attentive to the fact that more insurance deductions were being taken out of his pay. He was not attentive that several thousand $ were spent for an extra cruise ticket. Perhaps she handles all of the financial transactions in the household.

monotone, once you are in a safe place, run credit reports. They can tell you a lot. You can do that online. Today.

Well it has already been a pretty terrible morning. I woke up and my wife is not in bed, not in the house. I don't know where she is. She didn't FB message me (which is the usual way we communicate) so I don't know where she is or when she left or when she'll get home. This itself is very unusual.

I took the time while she was gone to snoop around, though I don't know what I'm snooping for exactly. The only thing I could think to snoop for was to look in her locked drawer of her nightstand of which I don't have a key. I was able to bust it open and surprise surprise dildos and other sex toys (we don't use sex toys), some cash (not a lot), two birthday cards from (I'm assuming) OM signed "your love". All of this made me feel like I was going to throw up, I just looked and looked at it.

But I busted the lock in a way that I can't lock it again so now she is going to know that I snooped through her drawer which I'm sure will incite her. There's no going back from that I fear.

It does sound like I should visit a lawyer on Monday. I don't know that I want divorce, I still love my wife and my head is dizzy with the accusations here, but I am willing to go find a lawyer and try to set up an appointment. What kind of lawyer should I be looking for? Just divorce lawyer?

I do not think I want to involve the police at this stage. I don't think I have enough evidence to warrant taking up their time, but also her father works high up in law enforcement in the suburb we live in, and there's no way for me to talk confidentially to someone there that he won't find out about in my opinion.

In terms of other questions/suggestions: no, I don't have a will. The wife bought a will kit (american will kit or something?) for us to do wills together but I don't have any kids or anything and I'm young and in good health so it just didn't seem like a priority. So I don't think that's her in.

I did call the insurance company, but like I mentioned, they don't have people there who could help on the weekend. I did check bank accounts, etc., this morning, and overall we have less in savings than I thought we would have, but she transfers money regularly to her spending account (of which I can't the details) as part of our financial agreement so that she has spending money--I am not on that account. I turned OFF the automatic transfer of money into that account. I don't have a me-only bank account to put stuff into but I will look into setting that up this week.

We don't really watch true crime TV, more like DIY fixer upper stuff or movies or HBO shows.

Security guy I have his phone number but I don't think he has any more info, I think if he did he would have told me. He didn't necessarily think OM was threatening (like "casing the joint") just more wanted me to know when he'd seen him around.

This is all so much to try to follow up on. I feel like my heart is just thumping thumping in my chest. I don't know when my wife will be back or where she is. I don't know how to get enough information about OM to research him, I don't have anything except his face, and I didn't see him on my wife's FB friends list (I looked.) I don't have access to any of her passwords, etc. We have a shared iMac at home and it has my/our shared passwords on them but I can't get in her email or FB or anything like that.

One thing I do want to tell you. My parents got divorced when I was 9 and I always have been angry at my dad for not trying to stick it out. Spent years in therapy as a teenager because acting out, etc. dealing with those consequences. Obviously my wife needs to stop seeing OM, start being faithful, stop hiding things, etc. as a condition for R but one thing I learned that therapy was to try to channel my anger and not lash out. I am trying very hard in this situation to not be rash and let my anger get the best of me and to try to see things from her perspective and be calm and etc.

I'm sorry if it seems like I should be lashing out more, but I am mostly feeling numb and confused and like my head is spinning.

Now I need to take a deep breath and figure out how to spend the rest of this Sunday. Usually we would have probably watched a movie or gone to her parents house. Now I don't even know where she is.

How is this my life?

Thank you for the responses I really appreciate them. Sorry I am not more coherent right now.

I'm pleased to read that you're safe. It's unfortunate that your wife is not around, but that may be for the best right now. It's also quite telling. The cameras at the gates to your complex should give an idea of when and how she left.

I see where you're coming from with the local police, but - at the same time - the insurance thing and the cruise is sinister. Your wife may well have run to her father to tell her that you've done all manner of bad things to her because "Daddy will fix it".

Tomorrow, contact an attorney and the insurance company. If you have attorney friend, call him or her right now. It's good that you contacted the insurance company today. They will keep a record of that. But you have to progress this. It's one thing to be cheated on, but there's a whole other level of betrayal going on here.

Please continue to be careful. Get in touch with that security guard and find out how to get a copy of that footage. Make sure your attorney gets a copy.

And be prepared for the police to get involved here.

Be safe, and be vigilant.

[This message edited by Forged1 at 1:13 PM, August 20th (Sunday)]

Since you feel uncomfortable talking to the PD for obvious reasons maybe a private investigator. You need someone with some sort of law authority to document all this - in the chance that something does happen - they have a place to start.

I just can't imagine how overwhelming all this must feel to you.

monotone , I get where you are coming from. You are in shock. I remember when I was, didnt know which way was up, didnt want to lose my wife, etc. You feel like you just got punched in the gut. Eventually that will fade. What you have to know is your wife isnt who you think she is. Not at all. You will see that as time goes on. Do not listen to a word she said . Watch her actions, they will tell you where she is .

I understand about not wanting a divorce, but in order to reconcile there is a ton of work that has to be done and she is no where ready to take that on. Read some of these other threads when you have time. You will see how they start and how they play out.

I can tell you there is a good chance your wife is with the OM trying to figure out what her next step is because she knows you know. Do not treat her as a friend , right now she is the enemy . She blindsided you and was conniving behind your back with your money and resources. She brought her lover into your house time after time to have sex with and spent your hard earned money on him . Dont forget that.

The ones who come out of this shit storm ok are the ones who are strong and come from a place of strength.

Also , do not tell her everything you know and how you found out . You need to have evidence that is tucked away for another time. She will only admit to the things you know , nothing more. You have confronted her with more than enough evidence to let her know you know what has been going on.

[This message edited by 1survivor at 1:19 PM, August 20th (Sunday)]

My heart goes out to you. I think we have all asked that questions many times. How

Is this my life? Like a bad movie. I'm glad you are safe and you sound very strong. I'm proud of you that you are drawing strength and guidance from previous C to deal with this nightmare the best you can muster. No need to apologize for the nightstand. Don't let her turn that around. You have a right to know what she has been up to. I'm sorry you are here and hurting.

You will make it through this. It is too early to tell is you can R or D with her. It takes two people. I would suggest taking it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Please take care of yourself first right now. You sound like a very honorable and loving man that deserves better. Your trust has been taken advantage much like the rest of us.

Monotone this is all quite alarming, and if this isn't a murder for hire set up, I don't know what is. They know all of your habits your times, locations, where you normally go. Please get somewhere safe today. Today could be your last day on this earth. She may be accelerating her plan to kill ͏y͏o͏u.

Please get a hold of an attorney, a family member and anybody else you can think of NOW and let them know these larger details so that it is known ... and in case something happens they will know where to look. Change all your passwords today on all your accounts: bank, bills, social media, particularly your phone bill.

I wish you would pack a bag and go somewhere safe because you are in grave danger.

I am dead serious.

[This message edited by Used2bhappy10 at 1:28 PM, August 20th, 2017 (Sunday)]

Sorry...sometimes things seemed to be made up...if any of this is true..RUN MAN RUN...surely by the fact she paid for the cruise ticket....your WW is EVIL...no way to ever reverse it either.

Monotone, whether you go to the police or not, you should leave the house until you can see a lawyer and get the insurance changed. Right now you're a sitting duck. Even if all of this planning and secrecy was to hide the A, you can't be too careful when it comes to your life.

Here's the thing you have to accept at some point. Your WW is very clever. She was able to manipulate the cell phone bill so that she could hide her activity from you but not tip you off by having the total change. That alone is far more genius than the run of the mill cheaters we see here. Yes, some cheaters go to great lengths to hide the A but this is really something else.

And if she was hiding the A, why in the world would she ever invite OM on that cruise? If OM was just some guy who loved her, why would he want to be there watching you enjoy time with her? We have had some cases of APs who got close to the BS, even stalked them, even message them on SI pretending to be another concerned BS, but this level of sneaking around is truly over the top. This OM takes the deranged cake.

It's almost comical if it wasn't so sad that I was listening to a true crime podcast last night about a family who was murdered by their own son who never showed violence before the act and they were given so many warnings before it happened that they ignored. They were told repeatedly the night it happened to bring him to the hospital, to call the police, and to keep their distance and every single time they ignored it. Even the son's therapist told them this and it still fell on deaf ears. The answer was right in front of them in big, flashing neon lights and instead they made choices that lead to their deaths. And afterwards experts keep asking how could this be prevented and yet no one wants to bring up how multiple family members failed to follow the advice of experts that would have saved their lives.

I worry that this is the exact same situation that you are in. It is impossible for you to even realize that even if murder isn't on the table, you are in way over your head. She has you completely outclassed by how meticulous and thorough she has been so far even if this was just the most elaborate cover up of an A that she barely even reacted to when you called her out on it. She isn't reacting like a normal WS. She's vindictive and willing to use every tool, lie, and manipulation at her disposal to get what she wants. That's exactly what it is when she said she will have you fired and the security guard too. It's pure manipulation and you are not able to see it as such.

Whatever you do, DO NOT confront her. She could send one phone call or text and have OM or his friend over with a gun in minutes. They don't need to be let in by security. They can just show up and finish the job. Exposing that you are catching on is the worst thing that you could possibly do because of the risks involved. Bigger is right in that the only thing you have to lose by being too careful is embarrassment. But without it, you can lose your life. You have gotten amazing advice and insight into current and former LEO here and it would be a damn shame if something bad happens because you didn't listen.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 1:35 PM, August 20th (Sunday)]

First of all....your WW is a cheater...she has no right to privacy...don't feel bad for "snooping" as she obviously does not feel bad for cheating.

And you don't know where she is...HELLO !*!

Yes, a lawyer. Protect yourself. Know your rights and sign over your beneficiaries immediately.

ACTION.

This is an infidelity survival site, after all, and we've seen at least one member's WS end up killing somebody for insurance, and go to prison for it.

I'd also like to point out that there were a ton of cliches in that case too and the killer WS's telling of what happened when the police came knocking was like something out of a bad movie. It's very rare when a spouse kills for the insurance money but it follows a predictable pattern when they do. Infidelity is usually involved. The killer spouse always either takes out a maximum policy or increases an existing policy months before the murder. Unfortunately monotone's situation is no different and it's not really a surprise that there's an identical case already out there.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 1:45 PM, August 20th (Sunday)]

TWO birthday cards -- well over a year long affair. She is invested at this point.

Here's the sad thing about most of the situations involving people I represent which end in murder. As 'scripts' they're absolutely terrible, because you sit there internally rolling your eyes and going "Seriously? Who the fuck does that and thinks they won't get caught?"

Truth is far stranger, clumsier and sadder than fiction. And the average killer is in fact a very ordinary person, and they make very ordinary mistakes.

One other thing occurs to me. Not going to be easy for you to read, but I'd be doing you no favors if I didn't raise it.

Make sure you are able to account for every minute of your time from now on. And I mean EVERY minute, Monotone. Your wife may have run to her father. She may also have run to OM. Depending on the extent of what's happened, OM may decide to shut her up. Permanently. I don't need to spell that out for you.

You need to secure that footage and get on the record with an attorney on this mess ASAP.

[This message edited by Forged1 at 2:09 PM, August 20th (Sunday)]

I am with Forged1 on this. She didn't come looking for you to up your life insurance coverage until after your wife hooked up with OM. I suspect this is his brainchild rather than hers. Who even knows if he's smitten with your wife - he could be conniving enough to have little actual interest in your wife and simply be in love with this plan. $$$ could be the sole goal of this.

Do you by chance have a double indemnity clause with your life insurance, i.e., the payout is doubled in the event of an accidental death?

Something to consider. Watch your back.

I also suggest having a VAR on you at all times to record your conversations. Since her father is a LEO she may go off the deep end and start making DV accusations if she sees her original plans going awry just to fuck up your life. Then she will run to daddy for protection. We see false DV accusations around here frequently. Better to be proactive.

Unfortunately, you don't know your wife at all. The wife you thought you had was an illusion, a facade. Don't feel bad about that. Most of us were fooled by our spouse (I was deceived for over 15 years, and my ex is a career LEO). That just means you have to be alert and not surprised by any new revelations. Don't let the shock of the crumbling facade cloud your judgment to the point of refusing to believe what is really happening.

Oh, and as a confirmed adulterer, she has no right to privacy at this point so don't sweat the broken drawer lock. It's your house and you have the right to turn it all upside down, if you choose, and you owe no one an explanation. Especially her.

Keep posting, monotone. We're here for you.

I know you're probably feeling really overwhelmed and even "chumped" right now. That's okay. We're ALL here because we got chumped. Honest people don't think like dishonest ones. We're trusting, particularly of those we love and care for.

Here's the thing though... the fact that she changed your insurance policy and bought a will kit is creepy. See a divorce attorney at your earliest opportunity and s/he should be able to put you on to someone who can draw up a proper will for you. Make sure it leaves NOTHING to your WW. That should, hopefully, negate any incentive on her part to cause you injury. Your attorney can most likely put you on to a reputable PI as well so you can divorce on grounds of adultery and hopefully mitigate your damage on spousal support.

Even if we put our paranoia on your behalf away for now... you've got nothing to work with in terms of reconciliation. Your WW has been dragging some ne'er-do-well into your home and into your bed for a year now. She's got ZERO respect for you.

I'm sorry. I know most people come here hoping against hope to somehow put it all back together and return to the status quo. But unless you want to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder and wondering who your wife is carrying on with, the status quo is undesirable. At some point, you're going to want to know that you're someone's "Plan A" and not just their meal-ticket.

Phoenix is here. Thank fuck.

Monotone, you take every single word of what that woman types to you to heart. She's one of the most sensible people on here and is a stone cold badass.

Seriously, man. Listen to what she's saying.

The only thing I could think to snoop for was to look in her locked drawer of her nightstand of which I don't have a key.

You're married and have no kids. Why the need for the secrecy? Besides the obvious, of course.

I did check bank accounts, etc., this morning, and overall we have less in savings than I thought we would have, but she transfers money regularly to her spending account (of which I can't the details) as part of our financial agreement so that she has spending money--I am not on that account. I turned OFF the automatic transfer of money into that account. I don't have a me-only bank account to put stuff into but I will look into setting that up this week.

You're the bread-winner in this relationship. Why does she need a private account for her spending money? Wouldn't a joint checking account work for that? Or does she need secrecy for that as well? Why do I have the suspicion that she has more cash in the bank than you do, given that you said that there is less in savings than you thought you should have? Let me guess.... "her" money is hers, and your money is really at least half hers as well.