Yes, I need my honor, my dignity and integrity back.
I want to put in another 2 cents here...
I have chosen to try to reconcile with my wife who had an in my face affair. I don't know if I will be able to do it. My wife blamed me for the affair she laughed as I begged her to stop seeing him. I may have a heart attack due to the adrenaline dumping in my system since Aug 13. It's over now and she's getting what she did was horrible. I'll try.
But I've never once been dishonorable. I have worked to save my family as she debased herself with a musician. I maintained my integrity as she threw hers down the toilet. Do not believe for a second that someone can take your honor from you. Your actions and words may do so, but theirs do not.
I respect your opinion in divorcing her. Read Spaceghost's thread. He was a lot like you but came to the conclusion it was done in a few days.
I chose to try to reconcile for specific objectives and reasons: I love her and I believe my life and the lives in my family will be better off if we can repair things. All the shit that went down is water over the dam. What is the best course of action from where I stand right now? For me, I see more upside from staying than upside from leaving. That's me.
From what I see, you wanted to forgive, but you can't. You want to honor your marriage vow, but are released from it (by her adultery) and cannot find it possible to stay due to your feelings. Your feelings, Mr. Spock, seem to be in control of you right now.
So look at this from a logical perspective. If you could love her again, if you can trust her again, if you could forgive her again, is it in your best interest to stay? If the answer is yes, then it makes sense to exhaust the attempts to reconcile. If you believe you have done all that and it's impossible, fine. You've done what you could.
But when you say "I don't have to do any work to reconcile and to repair" I agree only in part. Healing you is your work to do, not hers. She can give you the tools to trust, to get answers, to feel loved and appreciated, but only you can heal yourself. That work is exclusively yours to do. She can drive you to the hospital, your IC and MC can stitch you back together, but only your body can close the would and make a scar.
Your going to have to do the work whether you reconcile or divorce, so why not do it now?
I've looked in many places. Looked at my wife to apologize and show remorse, looked at my IC to give me answers, gone on SI for weeks for some magic words, gone after the OM for justice, talked to friends and family, hour after hour, day after day... I felt like an addict looking for my stash of drugs--who's got my stuff so I can make the pain go away?
I am the one from whom those answers must come.
Only when I work on me to view myself as a strong, unbroken, resilient man will the pain from her actions subside. She did this to herself. She did this to herself.I am not diminished by her actions and I never will be. She's got to work on fixing herself and I've got to work on fixing me. Only when we are both strong and healed can we make this marriage work again.
Good luck Spock, and thank you for your honorable service to our country.