SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello. I could really use some advice and while I’m starting couples therapy and have been in my own therapy it feels like I’m walking in a ring of hell. Btw together almost 20 and married for 7

Back in April 2024 I came across a message in an app I didn’t recognize or heard of in my husbands phone—Discord. I was closing out his alarm app bc it kept going off, and something told me to peek. Honest to god never felt like I should have before, never really had that urge but his odd love for baths was getting out of hand—red flag #1.

Saw the preview of the messages of these screen names calling him "baby" and "RL comes first". My stomach turned into knots and I quickly took a picture of his screen to over analyze later. Because at the present time I had to move on with my evening with my young children. The next two days I looked in to whatever this app is all the while not being able to look him in the eye. Of course he brings this up and I feign being concerned about my workload. So he goes to take a shower on the third morning and I decide I have to know what’s in those messages. And what I found had me shaken to my core. He is sexting with random women on the internet. Role playing, so typing out all they are "doing" to each other. And surprise, surprise, while I’m getting my kids ready for school, he is online at present on his computer in the bathroom. Of course I freak and get off his phone and when he comes out of the bathroom he sees something written all over my face, and asks what he did wrong. (The audacity, and preview of the depth of this betrayal to not even think about his actions he hidden from me)

To make a long story, not crazy long, I flip out on him and when he wouldn’t leave me alone so I could get the kids ready I made a scene and flew out of the house. Later that day we meet at the house and I find out that he has been doing this our WHOLE RELATIONSHIP. He has never shared this part of himself and apparently interacts this way with several people a night. On the porn websites (which tbh I never cared about—but now I do). He has watched some cam girls, been on live sex chat websites and played countless porn games. I kicked him out immediately, drafted a temp child care plan and proceeded to breakdown. After a month he somehow weaseled his way back in. Because he was my partner for so long and I missed him and he had been doing the work and was showing his commitment. All my new found sleuthing hobbies has also verified anything he told me about his current activities.

Fast forward 9 months and I’m going through all the roller coasters, realizing things I never did before. Asking questions I didn’t think of before. Realizing he wasn’t keeping up therapy for a so called "sex addiction" and there I am trying to "meet his needs" because he claimed that it helped. But I quickly realized I couldn’t keep up. I work out early in the day, have school age kids and a full time job. Also kids sports are involved.
I don’t have tons of time for much else, not that, at a baseline I wouldn’t want to you know, but: momlife!

Where I am now: Addicted to searching the hard drives of our laptops finding many of his logs of these encounters. Have confronted him and got him to confess to having online roleplay girlfriends, wives, pets, toys and everything else under the sun. Found out at least 3 of these encounters were steady for over a year at a time. It’s 2/7 and two days ago I found out that with at least one encounter not only had it been over a year but he was controlling her sex toy via the internet. So they were pleasuring themselves at the same time, he was "physically"controlling the pace of their "encounter" via the internet.

Yall….i wanna cut and run. I will say despite that horrific revelation I’m finding it hard. We make good partners in life(if I had never known, it’s what I would have always said). Common interests, enjoy hanging with our kids, similar life ideologies. But please, I need community here I guess….. He says he is willing to do anything. But he has lied to me our entire relationship, then when confronted with the discovery, still didn’t tell me everything. If I wasn’t obsessed with needing to know, chats and stuff he deleted in a panic(I found on the hard drives), I wouldnt know the depth of this betrayal

How can I stay? Part of me really hopes I can ever believe a word from his mouth again. Part of me says, this is the end. It’s such a struggle it’s embarrassing.

Thanks for reading, sorry it’s a book. Also it’s my first post. I don’t have those abbreviations down.

You need to see a lawyer immediately. You don’t have to make a decision but you need to know your options.
You need to see a dr because meds might help with anxiety
You need therapy to wade through all of it.

He is a sex addict. He needs therapy with a person trained in sex addiction. He also needs group therapy.

This life has been how he operates since puberty. Please be aware that his ability to control his urges is not something he can promise not to do again. It’s who he is.

Thanks for taking the time. I have been thinking that since I found out he didn’t go back to therapy and that he hadn’t told me everything after d-day. He is now, but really it’s because I stressed if this is an addiction then cold turkey isn’t going to help him. We promised we wouldn’t do the trickle truth but because I went looking, gut feeling, I found out so much that he wasn’t upfront about. He says he didn’t want to hurt me any more, I told him that he is just protecting himself.

I do plan on sitting with a lawyer. Like you said—I need to know my options. It’s just all too much to get my head around. The new discovery has really made me believe that we won’t make it. When the trust was shattered, he still wasn’t honest about it all. I have been talking with a therapist for a few weeks now. She is trying to help me develop tools to handle everything I’m feeling. Not sure I’m going to go to meds yet but if my lack of concentration on work gets worse then I may have to consider it.

I’m sorry you hs e found out that your life is not what you thought it was. The pain from betrayals and lies cuts deep. And it takes a long time to recover from.

So let’s assume your husband is a sex addict and addicted to this online role playing (or whatever it is).

Addicts (of any type) often have periods where they can stay sober or avoid their addictions for decades. Some also relapse 20x before they are able to maintain sobriety etc.

Do you have the ability to weather that storm? Because if he’s been doing this for decades then I fear he may have a very different view of "avoiding his addiction" and continue to cause you pain. He may feel viewing porn "is not cheating" b/c he’s not messaging the other person.

Before you D you need a plan. And an attorney. And someway of co-parenting etc.

Your Divorce doesn’t have to be filled with hate and anger. You can just decide YOU cannot forgive, accept and move forward with him. And if that is your intention then you can try to amicably D and let him go about his life and you go about yours.

I would also suggest you consider counseling just for you. It can help you to make sure you are making good decisions and considering all options such as who leaves the home, co-parenting times etc.

Thanks @The1stWife.

I am definitely in therapy. It helps a little. At this point I’m still venting and trying to come to grips with what has been happening

[This message edited by survivinglies104 at 2:02 PM, Saturday, February 8th]

I am sorry you are here but this is more common than you think. Easy access to the internet and less of a burden on one’s soul because it isn’t happening in real life.

Raise a stink and stand your ground if you want to give reconciliation a shot. This means cutting off all social media , open access to phones , monitoring and other controls in place. This also means him going to therapy no questions asked and doing all the work involved. If not, there is a high chance of relapse. There are ways to get around to get their fix. One aspect of this is sharing this with his family or people important to him. It adds another layer of accountability because of the shame. Let him know you mean business, there is no letting this go.

I would definitely recommend one consult with the lawyer. You need to know what divorce looks like even if you may not go ahead with it.

You also need to remember that none of this is your fault. You need support to navigate through this with therapy, friends, self care, journaling. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that you will be ok.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that infidelity has reared its ugly head in your life. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read, as well as some with bull's eye icons. The Healing Library has a lot of great information, and includes the list of acronyms we use.

Usually, we tell people to wait on MC (marriage counseling) until they've healed some from the trauma of infidelity. Your M (marriage) didn't cheat - your WH (wayward husband) did. MCs have a tendency to shift blame to the BS (betrayed spouse) or use the "unmet needs" fallacy. The decisions to lie and cheat are 1000% on him and nothing you did or didn't do, said or didn't say, looked or didn't look influenced his choices. My second IC was a betrayal trauma specialist and helped me so much.

He's a serial cheater and will need to do a HUGE amount of work to become a safe partner. And the serial cheater's record for putting in the work to be a safe partner is pretty low. He should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

We make good partners in life

You may want to rethink this. Does he do as much for the kids as you do? Does he do any of the cooking or cleaning? Does he do any of the laundry?

What he does do is spend time by himself with all of this secret sexual stuff that he could be investing in his family. Besides, he shouldn't need anybody to provide external validation for him. He sounds like he's very selfish. Is he helping to meet your needs?

Again, sorry you're here. Infidelity sucks.

Wow. That's one deep dark sexual basement he kept secret from you - for the entire 20 year relationship! That's a lot to overcome. One wonders what other secrets he's keeping. That sexual basement where he spends so much time would still be hidden if you hadn't stumbled into it! So sorry. This is a really egregious situation for you and the kids to struggle with. Self care pronto! Can't save the kids if you don't save yourself first.

Don't put your focus on untangling or appeasing him, trying to save him or save the relationship. That's HIS bus to drive. He must take responsibility for his crumby selfish choices and be 100% deep down committed to changing his objectifying, entitled mindset..... because he wants to become a better human being for HIMSELF. Not just because he's trying to appease you or scrambling to save face. The reality is that a 20 year alter ego will be difficult for him to discard. It may take YEARS of hard work and struggle to achieve significant change. In the meantime, you and the kids must come first. ETA: The "reconciliation" limbo you're in right now sounds exhausting! Like HIS needs come before yours. Or, like he's another kid you have to take care of. He's a grown ass man, not a child.

Please do talk to a lawyer. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING you find and hang onto it. Could come in handy. Know the main focus right now is wrapping your brain around this new reality, but don't lose sight of the big picture. Self-care must include financial self care. Cam girls, porn games, remote sex devices, live sex chats, etc. etc. etc COST MONEY. Over the years, $$ spent on porn can accrue into shocking amounts. Half that money is YOUR money. Please do a deep dive on all finances. Use a VERY skeptical eye. Porn charges can appear innocuous. Suggest running credit checks on him and any joint info to ferret out hidden credit cards or other debt. Just in case. Put your new found sleuthing skills to use sleuthing the financials as far back as you can. Or, If you can afford it, hire a professional to do it. Hiring a forensic accountant may be the best money you ever spent. Protect yourself.

Agree with Leafields. There's no way a guy who spends this much time and energy AND $$ cavorting in his hidden sexual basement is a "good life partner", romantic partner.....or parent. Time for not only a financial audit, but a relationship audit as well.

So, so sorry you're here. Please take care of yourself.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 9:57 PM, Saturday, February 8th]

I am glad that I found this place. My head is spinning and as much as I love who I thought I had this relationship and M with, he is not who I thought he was. It is hard to accept that the life I thought I had and was going to have is just destroyed.

I am super grateful for all the advice.

To anyone else who comes in, please leave your thoughts. I could use all the help I can get. I don’t have a support system outside of his family. I have my sister but she has a new baby and an 9 year old—her hands are full. She’ll help when she can. But our family are in two other states.😩

If you have time, Google Dr. Minwalla and secret sexual basement. Dr. Minwalla has done a lot of work with sex addicts. Also Lindy Bancroft has a really good blog about people who try to say they're sex addicts when they really aren't. It's just helpful to say "I have a disease" when they're really just selfish jerks and are cake eaters.

Thanks leafields, it is an interesting read. I am going to have to read it again.

It's just helpful to say "I have a disease" when they're really just selfish jerks and are cake eaters.

Thanks for pointing this out, Lea, I was having a similar thought. While OP's H's behavior might be that of a SA, it also might not. Is he hooked on women's attention? Definitely. I'm not sure if he is or is not a full blown SA.

@leafields and @boundarybuilder

thanks again for the information about Dr. Minwalla. This has been extremely insightful. All of the comments have been very helpful and feel very much needed in relation to where I am.

You're very welcome. (Except it would be nice to NOT have to be in a place where the information was needed.)

Another good blog is by Lundy Bancroft on sexual addiction. He says some people say they're addicts as an excuse, but aren't really addicts. (You can Google the post. It's very informative.) He also takes the stance that infidelity is abuse, which I also believe. You can make your own decision on that, as it can be polarizing here.

Take what you need and leave the rest.

How are you doing Survinglies?

Hey There - so so sorry you are going through this. You are not alone.

The pain of finding out was the worst pain I’ve EVER felt and, as odd as this sounds, even rivals the pain I had when I experienced a still birth. I still often say, "I had no idea it was even possible to feel this level of pain."

I found out I was married to a sex addict 2 years ago. The sexual basement analogy (mentioned by another poster) by Dr Minwala helped me as well. I also want to recommend The Betrayal Bind. The author is a therapist who was also married to a sex addict … so it is just spot on.

If your husband gets truly sober there won’t be any "well I’m an addict so I can’t help it" kind of nonsense. My husband says things like, "I had massive character flaws and an inability to deal with difficult emotions. It lead to entitlement and selfishness and, in the end, an addiction that took everything from me and the people I love." The addiction is a result of (very often) early sexual abuse and poor emotional coaching in childhood. My husband unfortunately suffered from both of those things. But he still takes accountability for the choices he made to deal with his pain.

All that said, this ain’t no walk in the park. It’s just so freaking hard. My husband is finishing up out patient treatment, has an sex addiction specialist as a therapist, goes to a 12 step meeting every week, and meets with a sponsor every Saturday. It’s A LOT. I believe he is sober at this point and I take some solace in the fact that his sponsor is almost 80 years old and has been sober since the late 70’s (and is married).

But the truth is that, even with how well things are going, I still need to have these talks with myself. I remind myself that I love him and always will … but if his sobriety suffers I’ll have to leave to keep myself safe physically and emotionally. And then I tell myself, "You can love him and leave him at the same time."

I never in a million trillion years thought this would be my life. I was deeply in love with my husband and considered him my very best friend when I found out. I still remember yelling at him around D-Day … let’s put the marriage thing aside for a minute … where the HELL has my best friend been?!?!? How could you be such a shitty friend to me? He was so overcome with shame he walked out of the room. We still talk about that moment.

Keep posting and please take care. Remember this is a trauma and so treat it as such. Your brain is now altered and you need to heal and be good to yourself.

Bumping back on top after a SPAM attack.

Hi guys, I really appreciate the check in and you taking the time to share your story. It has been incredibly painful since the second discovery of the information he had still been holding back. But in the space from my initial post and now there has been a reset on any trust we have been building. That said, for two weeks not having my best friend and person who’d I would usually go to in a crisis seemed to have killed me more inside. I upped my therapist sessions to twice a week and we even found a marriage counselor who we see weekly. This has been helpful, along with the check ins, I guess our conversations in between.

What is very conflicting is he has just gone into overdrive to help me heal. It’s hard to trust, because I’m sitting here waiting for the other shoe to drop. Him holding space for my emotions, continuing to tell me how right I am when we discuss all of his infidelity, and executing assignments from his and our therapists shakes me but is comforting at the same time. Aside from the run on sentence, does that make sense? Now he has declined the advise to seek out SAA, and honestly that makes me uneasy. He said he would do what ever it takes, and if a therapist advises he at least check them out…I’m worried he is drawing a line in the sand. Even if it isn’t for him, I feel like he should try….but I don’t know, I’m not a professional. I’m not sure how it helps us…but his resistance to that itself I think is what makes me in easy.

We have gotten to a space where I can finally eat a little everyday, and my work life is starting to balance out. This truly destroyed every aspect of my life. The affect on me has made me feel like a weak person. I never use to let even stuff get to me, I have dealt with a mother who has put me through the wringer, like we don’t even talk. Me and two of my siblings don’t communicate with her. I always thought—if I’m strong enough to withstand her, I can withstand anything. However finding out my whole relationship feels like a house of cards changed that…as something like that should.

I want to know more, and at the same time I don’t. I do want him to tell me something I haven’t had discovered. I want him to be true to his word and I feel like only time will tell. His efforts are visible but I’m having a hard time trusting. I will say he is dedicated to his sessions and any materials they give home to learn how to help me heal, and how to help himself heal and not need to turn to his longtime addiction. Maybe he is just scared to go to a meeting…?

Thank you all again, hearing you out there is so helpful. I am going to try to get on more because each time I do it does help my sanity, but kids and my routine life are rigorous.

Sorry for all the typos.

@Forestfirepines what are some things that helped you navigate? What are some things that helped you do some self care? So far journaling has helped me…I’m a talker so talking about it would help me most…just to get it out but obviously I’m not shouting this from the rooftops.

Hello, just want to offer you my support in this horrible time you are going through. I am also deep in the throws of betrayal myself and can relate to how you are feeling at this moment. It seems to me that no matter the unique circumstances of every person going through this, the deep sense of despair is the same. It is a confrontation with the darkness of human nature, and we wonder how the people who are supposed to love us the most, can be the ones to hurt us so immensely and to such a degree that we don't know if we'll ever recover. And all the while our souls are broken, we are forced to continue life for our children. Our bodies do what they have to do, even if it feels like a constant battle to even sustain our lives. Sending you love and strength! If nothing else, we are in it together.