Hi There - so sorry for the late response to your question! I am on a new medication and I went through a period of intense fatigue that I seem to be coming out of now :)
My husband’s counselling center, that specializes in sex addiction, had a group for the betrayed spouse. When your spouse is a sex addict, it is a special kind of hell and it was so very nice to have other women who were going through the same thing. Do you think you could look for something like that in your area? I think there are online ones too so maybe you could find a virtual one.
I honor myself when it comes to triggers. I stay away from TV shows and movies that have prostitutes or infidelity. A friend asked me to go to the Oppenheimer movie but I said nope (he had a mistress). A friend asked me to go to Las Vegas and I was like nope not unless you want me to end up on the floor crying. It might seems extreme to others, but I don’t care and I take care of me.
I exercise, get massages and do things that make me feel attractive (nails, etc.). Wives of sex addicts are significantly more likely to have body image concerns and eating disorders. It’s the gift that just keeps on giving ;). So I do things that help me feel attractive and cared for. I don’t worry about spending money on myself because he sure didn’t worry about it … if you know what I mean.
Now I watch for signs that he is sober and do my best to trust myself. Once he got sober, he changed SO much. His posture, the way he carried himself, the way he interacted with me, how much he could focus. TBH it was a little spooky. In the very beginning he was trying to figure out if he was an addict. He was avoiding porn (for many weeks) and then one day he looked at it. He didn’t tell me but BAM … there it was! Slouching in the chair when he talked to me, looking sullen and annoyed like a 14 year old boy. I said, "You looked at porn today, didn’t you?" He was SHOCKED that I could tell and it was this huge moment for both of us. It is common for an addict to act differently when they use (think about the trope of the kind parent who gets abusive when they drink … it’s real). So, for me, I rely on this. I watch for the signs of my old husband coming back and so far we are good. Also, I take comfort in knowing he is taking his recovery seriously. If he needs to skip one of his meetings (like he feels sick for example) he actually asks me how that would make me feel and makes sure I’m good with it.
I really hope your husband becomes open to finding a therapist that specializes in sex addiction. It is a game changer. In our area there aren’t a lot of CSAT therapists and if they are here they are super difficult to get into. But we do have centers for sex addiction here and the therapists all have special training and a ton of experience and are laser focused on this issue and this issue only (even if they don’t have the CSAT certification). They did things like meet with me to make sure "everything is out on the table." They have outpatient groups and being part of a community of addicts that are working on themselves has been so important for my husband and it might really help yours too. They are nonjudgmental accountability partners and my husband gets a lot out of it.
Hang in there and know you aten’t alone. Ask me anything and keep posting. Hugs.