SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi -

Also wanted to add my voice to the chorus of support here.

Your story struck a few chords for me.

Like you, my SO was practicing varying degrees of infidelity pretty much our entire relationship. In the early days, it was an inappropriate message here, a (unsent) love manifesto to an ex boyfriend there. It then progressed to a full blown emotional affair with a colleague, and then a sexting affair with an old friend. The through line is of course her unquenchable need for male validation outside our relationship.

Its an extremely hard thing to make sense of. I'm two years out from D-day and STILL find myself combing the archives for some shred of evidence that might help me understand things a little bit more. I think i'm still doing this because its hard to look back on the relationship and unequivocally say "she never loved me." The truth is she was/is emotionally disordered, and her behavior was a result that. I have to come to terms with that given my choice to reconcile, and trust that our new relationship will be different (the old one is dead - the sooner you bury it the better). But trust is a extremely hard thing for her to earn, especially since she's been taking advantage of it the whole time.

As others have said, I've greatly benefitted from self care (exercising, no/low booze, hobbies), journaling, and taking with a therapist or a few close friends. But if you chose to reconcile, just know that you will need to find a way to be vulnerable with your husband again. That means sharing your pain/fears/insecurities with him. And if he's serious about making things right, he will shoulder that pain without a whiff of inconvenience, anger, despondence or shame. That's his role for the rest of your lives. Whenever you get triggered by something, he needs to know, and he needs to support you.

Thanks for sharing your story and the advice @longdistanceAP. The more I learn, unfortunately the less alone I feel. It’s nice to not be alone, it’s awful because I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

A little update to those who are checking in. Therapy with my husband is going well.
He has been consistent which is nice but now I feel like, everyday if I am not talking about this or looking for more evidence of his infidelity….are we just skirting past this? I found so much and he claims to not remember much of anything. It isn’t healthy to ask him about things everyday? I don’t know. Recently talks with our joint and my individual counselor have been focused on trying to trust. To be fair, my therapist let me vent and was there for me for a month, which geared up after I found the next big piece of all this. While it feels nice to feel like I have a partner in our house and with our kids, and all the little ways he trying to show he can be trusted. It also sometimes feel like I am missing alot of him out of this. Is it because I found so much?
Or is it because he hasn’t worked up the nerve to be able to have a real conversation with me about this.

So while I’m not good and feel all these things…I can see the efforts. Wanting to stay in a place to want to work on it feels so defeating sometimes, but worth it in the little moments. So far. So a rollercoaster to summarize it. Thanks for those out there who are giving me the time here to support.

Hi There - so sorry for the late response to your question! I am on a new medication and I went through a period of intense fatigue that I seem to be coming out of now :)

My husband’s counselling center, that specializes in sex addiction, had a group for the betrayed spouse. When your spouse is a sex addict, it is a special kind of hell and it was so very nice to have other women who were going through the same thing. Do you think you could look for something like that in your area? I think there are online ones too so maybe you could find a virtual one.

I honor myself when it comes to triggers. I stay away from TV shows and movies that have prostitutes or infidelity. A friend asked me to go to the Oppenheimer movie but I said nope (he had a mistress). A friend asked me to go to Las Vegas and I was like nope not unless you want me to end up on the floor crying. It might seems extreme to others, but I don’t care and I take care of me.

I exercise, get massages and do things that make me feel attractive (nails, etc.). Wives of sex addicts are significantly more likely to have body image concerns and eating disorders. It’s the gift that just keeps on giving ;). So I do things that help me feel attractive and cared for. I don’t worry about spending money on myself because he sure didn’t worry about it … if you know what I mean.

Now I watch for signs that he is sober and do my best to trust myself. Once he got sober, he changed SO much. His posture, the way he carried himself, the way he interacted with me, how much he could focus. TBH it was a little spooky. In the very beginning he was trying to figure out if he was an addict. He was avoiding porn (for many weeks) and then one day he looked at it. He didn’t tell me but BAM … there it was! Slouching in the chair when he talked to me, looking sullen and annoyed like a 14 year old boy. I said, "You looked at porn today, didn’t you?" He was SHOCKED that I could tell and it was this huge moment for both of us. It is common for an addict to act differently when they use (think about the trope of the kind parent who gets abusive when they drink … it’s real). So, for me, I rely on this. I watch for the signs of my old husband coming back and so far we are good. Also, I take comfort in knowing he is taking his recovery seriously. If he needs to skip one of his meetings (like he feels sick for example) he actually asks me how that would make me feel and makes sure I’m good with it.

I really hope your husband becomes open to finding a therapist that specializes in sex addiction. It is a game changer. In our area there aren’t a lot of CSAT therapists and if they are here they are super difficult to get into. But we do have centers for sex addiction here and the therapists all have special training and a ton of experience and are laser focused on this issue and this issue only (even if they don’t have the CSAT certification). They did things like meet with me to make sure "everything is out on the table." They have outpatient groups and being part of a community of addicts that are working on themselves has been so important for my husband and it might really help yours too. They are nonjudgmental accountability partners and my husband gets a lot out of it.

Hang in there and know you aten’t alone. Ask me anything and keep posting. Hugs.

@forstfirepines I appreciate you responding. I am thinking of finding out if there is one near me. I’m sure I could find one.

Hi There - so sorry for the late response to your question! I am on a new medication and I went through a period of intense fatigue that I seem to be coming out of now :)
My husband’s counselling center, that specializes in sex addiction, had a group for the betrayed spouse. When your spouse is a sex addict, it is a special kind of hell and it was so very nice to have other women who were going through the same thing. Do you think you could look for something like that in your area? I think there are online ones too so maybe you could find a virtual one.

@all or anyone who has been reading my story. I have been battling logging in to see what messages were left for him. If there is information he hasn’t shared or if he wasn’t honest and said goodbye to a couple of his longtime connections. I will state I do believe he has a problem. Out of 4 computer he has over 1000 conversations with different people. Not all of them are long. Some are flirts, some are "quickies" and some are people he connected with for a month or so…and by connected I mean coordinated his schedule and engaged in online sexual chats. I have been fighting the urge to try for three weeks. I have the access…I’d have to download the software to get into that online world. I don’t because I keep thinking…we are doing the work…what good could this do….but after 16 years of betrayal can I ‘now’ trust him…? Ugh. I guess I’m just venting and need to say it somewhere. I plan on talking to him about this. Maybe in therapy too.

Your bio says you found out last April, but I don't remember when your latest discovery bomb was. Any new info can set your "healing clock" back to zero. If there hasn't been enough time to build trust, it may be difficult. For me, there would be such a negative balance in the trust bank, that it would take time to be able to give trust. Plus, one of my conditions for R was electronic transparency and I could check any time I needed.

And you know what? You can tell your therapists that you don't agree or you're not ready. Your treatment plan should be based on your treatment needs. There should be shared medical/mental decision-making.

One of the things that I learned about betrayal trauma is that your brain doesn't differentiate between being chased by a lion or being cheated on by your spouse.

My XWH wasn't diagnosed as SA, but Forestfirepine's advice is great. I would recommend joining a spouse group of you can. I imagine it would be like the spouse of AlAnon, but focusing on a different addiction.

If you can't find a CSAT, there are also coaches that are available and more affordable. I have a great coach and we meet virtually via Zoom, it works well for me. I found mine through the online database IITAP. Many of them will schedule an initial free 15 minute meeting to see if you are a good fit for their personality and way of coaching. My coach has given me great tools and tasks that are helping me to truly heal. She's a real blessing for my recovery.

My STBXWH is a SA, and I also found a wonderful group of women through SALifeline. It's a 12-step program (much like Al-Anon, as leafields mentioned) for women that are partners of SAs, and you can attend (it's free) and take what speaks to you and leave the rest. I've made friendships through that meeting that I believe will last the rest of my life. It's a safe space and it helps a lot to talk with others who "get it." It is also a virtual platform, so women from all over the US attend. I highly recommend signing up and trying a few meetings.

[This message edited by gray54 at 2:48 PM, Thursday, March 13th]

@Leafields I had discovered more at the end of January. I had cracked into files, and was honest with my husband about. He then told me what I would find, basically that he used dexterous over the internet that he brought into play with one of his longest connections. So everything feels like it had, as you said, reset with trust. He swears there isn’t anymore but my gut instinct that I would find more was validated. So now I am working through starting from ground 0 to rebuild trust again.

@gray54 thank you for the resources, you too @leafields. I will definitely look into it. Just feels so overwhelming.

No soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:02 PM, Thursday, March 13th]