1 month since d-day and new developments
Hello my friends. I have read this forum religiously, or even obsessively since I became a member of this unfortunate community, and it has offered so much comfort and wisdom I am forever thankful for. It has now been a bit more than a month since I learned that my husband fell for another woman on a work trip. It can only be summed up as living hell. The affair was not physical in nature, but emotional, and it put my husband deep in the affair fog and made him question his feelings for me and our entire relationship. Without warning I felt utterly abandoned. The change was so drastic and sudden, that I thought it couldn't possibly be real. It was as if he was possessed or under the influence of a drug that completely warped his perception of reality. Because of how extreme the change was, in the midst of shock and terror, I also had hope and even a feeling that he might come around, that it would sooner or later occur to him the massive consequences this would have on our little family, and that this realization would bring him back to me and to reality. But of course I didn't know for sure if or when that would happen, and I had to face the possibility that it wouldn't. He has gone through different stages throughout this time. First he blamed me and the marriage, which I hear is typical behavior in order to justify the cheating. He did take those things back pretty quickly, and did start to point fingers at himself and the character flaws that could have led to this. He has been alternating between being very confused and lucid about it all, and except for the first few days he has been respectful of me and my feelings. We spent some time apart, which I feared would only distance ourselves even more from each other. When we did get back together I was overwhelmed by the pain I experienced, of what has been lost. At first I struggled to be in the same room as him, but he initiated conversations, which has brought us closer. He has now said that he has the feelings that he has, but that his goal is for us to be good together again, even if the road to that place will be long and hard. In many ways these are the words I have been longing to hear all this time. But instead of relief, I feel numb. Ambivalence is maybe the right word here. I feel like I don't know who I am, or what to do. I have fought so hard to get him back to reality, to show him what he has in me and in our family. It was an extremely frustrating position to be in, as I was the one that was betrayed, who saw my life as I knew it fall apart, everything that I cared for be demolished. It is now dawning on me the magnitude of the trauma, and questions, not only if I can ever trust that this wont happen again, but anything at all. We are waiting to get into therapy, and I have faith that that can be helpful. But right now I just feel empty. I guess I am just wondering if there is any advice for me in this time. We are still so far from recovery and reconcilation, but closer than we have ever been since this happened, so it is a strange time. Will I get the fighting spirit back?
6 comments posted: Monday, March 10th, 2025
Loving and devoted husband fell in love with another woman
Dear everyone! I write this because I am in desperate need of some support and advice from someone who has been through something similar. It has now been over a week since I found out that my husband met someone else while away for work, that he says he made a connection with. The information completely broke me and shattered my life and dreams to pieces, but it was also a confirmation of something I subconciously already knew. He travels for work, and has 170-180 travel days a year. This time he was gone for 3,5 weeks, and somewhere around the middle of that I noticed some changes that weren't necessarily worrying in isolation, but when added up told me that something was off. Normally he is very communicative over text, and prioritizes to call, especially to keep in touch with our two kids (6 and 3). He is trying his best to support me when I'm struggeling at home, but this decreased during the course of the trip. At some point I had a job interview that he seemed to have forgotten, because he didn't wish me good luck or asked how it went afterwards. I confronted him with this, and said it made me feel very alone, even more so than I already am. He was defensive at first, and later on he told me he had not been feeling well since the beginning of the work trip. He said he felt a depression sneaking in, something he has struggled with in the past. Early on during the work trip he wanted us to call each other, expressing that he really wanted that, also to make plans for a romantic trip away. When I a few days later asked if we could call, he had some excuse not to. I tried again another day, only to get another excuse, which didn't cause any alarm bells to ring, because he is obviously at work and can't always get away. What did worry me was that he didn't make any attempt to reschedule the call. Throughout the weeks he only called the kids 3 times, which is very out of character for him. I felt that something was off, but wrote it down to possible depression. But when he came home, I felt very strongly that this was something else. I tried several times to confront him with this, and that is when I really started to worry. In fact it terrified me to my very soul. He started to tell me that he felt we wanted different things. That we are too different as people, and that he had started to question and doubt our relationship. It crushed me, because it didn't make any sense. We were very happy together before he left for work. We had a lot of Dreams about the future, we had intimacy and were in general very connected to each other. All text messages indicated the same. He would write almost daily that he loved me more than anything, that he missed me and couldn't wait to come home. He had come to me just a few weeks prior telling me he was upset because he dreamt that I had left him for someone else. So the fact that he now was shitting on our relationship absolutely destroyed me. I KNEW that something had happened and even asked if he met someone, to which he said no. I told him later on how hurtful it was what he said, and tried to give him a reality check and remind him of how things really had been. He felt very closed off, which was so strange and horrifying. It was as if he was no longer the same person. I have previously had nightmares about this, and now it had become reality. Eventually I confronted him again and told him to tell me the truth. That is when he finally admitted to having met someone. The days after that were the worst of my life. My body was completely out of whack. High heart rate, upset stomach, nausea. Couldn't eat or barely sleep. Absolutely broken, as I'm sure everyone here can relate to. My husband was unrecognizable and it felt as if he was twisting reality. I couldn't understand why. Had everything been a lie? Had he faked the happiness, the love, the desire? No, that couldn't be. I had just started a new job and had to call in sick. Because of his behavior I didn't see a way forward and basically told him we should part ways, he should move out. He said okay. I know now that it was the shock, not just because of what happened, but because he was a different person, and everything I thought we had was demolished. I felt emotionally unsafe in his presence. In the subsequent days he would stay away during the day while I was home, pick up the kids from school and kindergarden, make dinner, and then leave during the evening once the kids were in bed. We had a few conversations in which it felt as if he blamed me. At some point he was almost hostile and said that I was uninspiring and just sat on the couch a let my life pass me by. I have no words to describe what that made me feel. First of, the comment about sitting on the couch was plain wrong and completely unreasonable as I am home alone with two kids for weeks at the time. I have been unemployed for a year, but I am still very busy. I work out 4 times a week, meet friends, take care of all household chores while he is gone, all of which leaves me physically and emotionally drained at the end of each night. What he said felt as justifications for what he had done, and pushed me further away from him and the idea of R. A few days later though, he initiated a conversation with me. I was hesitant to open up to him, due to previous experiences. But this time it felt as if he had come back to earth. I recognized him. He was sorry for how he had spoken to me. He admitted that he HAD been happy with me, which made this situation all the more confusing to him. He said that he never thought this could happen to him or to us. He said that this left him broken and unable to fight, that he thought the damage was beyond repair. I listened to him, and spoke calmly and thoughtfully. Since then my anger subsided. My nervous system calmed down as I no longer felt I had to fight for the truth. But I was left with a deep mourning of what was still lost. I feel as if there is no path ahead, as he seemed too broken and unable to cope with the situation. It feels as if the abandonment just keeps happening. Not because he fell in love, but because he risked everything I know he loves more than anything, and doesn't have the courage to fight for it. Seems to me that this experience of falling for someone else pushed all of the other things aside as if it didn't mean anything anymore. We are waiting to get into therapy. He is also going to seek individual councelling, but now we are in a limbo and I don't know what to do. If you read until here, thank you so much! It means the world.
16 comments posted: Monday, February 17th, 2025
