SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m a 73 year old man, married, in a sexless marriage. I’m retired, living in Spain. I have a female friend who is a sister of another friend who has recently become very flirtatious with me. She is widowed, a few years older than me. I’m just wondering about the plusses and minuses of following through with my desire to have a sexual relationship with her

Surviving Infidelity is your safe place to come and share your pain and feeling of isolation upon discovery of betrayal. All who have been impacted by infidelity are welcome here, even the betraying partner, provided they are remorseful and committed to healing. Please use this site to network with others who are feeling a loss of hope and shattered dreams and trying to survive the most painful type of betrayal we all have unfortunately come to know.

The above should be the very first thing you see when you find this site, and should have warned you that what you ask about isn’t what this site is really about.
You won’t get a single positive post supporting your thoughts at having an affair, because we do not want your wife to be our next member – asking how she can deal with the man she has shared her life with whom she just discovered has cheated on her.

What is the issue? Do you miss sex? I get that – I think that for us males sex can be an important factor in establishing our masculinity, in establishing what’s "ours" (as in our spouse) and all that. But the solution to a sexless marriage is not to cheat on the marriage, but to deal with the issues within the marriage.

Have you talked to your wife about the lack of sex? Is there a medical reason for it or some logical reason? Other than the lack of sex what is your marriage like? Do you talk, do you respect each other or are you simply together because that’s how it’s been for the last 40 years?
I would start there – by understanding why there is no sex, and then finding a solution to that. Maybe you need to step up, maybe your wife needs to step up. Maybe you have to function as a couple rather than two people sharing the same address.

Heck... Maybe it’s time to acknowledge that this marriage is dead and then end it and move on.
Or double-heck... maybe your wife would be fine with you sleeping around – but with her knowledge and acceptance. Once it’s in the open and accepted – it’s no longer infidelity per se.

But NO! Don’t even think of having sex outside your marriage based on what you have shared.

IDK ... at least one former member thought she'd be OK with extra-M sex after getting permission from her H, and she regretted it it strongly. Opening a marriage may work well when both partners choose to do so freely, but how do you know you both make a free choice?

You seem to want to leave the issue(s) in your M unsolved. That's not a recipe for success. Like Bigger, I urge you to resolve the issue before looking outside.

And ... IDK ... at 73, I could not always perform when I wanted to. Can you see yourself maneuvering your W into giving permission and then not being able to get it up with ow? That could piss 2 women off.

Also, if it doesn't go as planned, and you come back here, you'll come back as an unhappy WS.

The risk/reward for extra-M sex seems unfavorable to me.

"Be careful of what you wish for. You may just get it."

This is a great question and I wish everyone who was considering having an affair would ask it.

Pros of cheating

Short term pleasure and excitement that becomes addictive and that will cost you so much in the end. Once cheaters have to face the reality of the destruction and devastation they caused, that short term pleasure becomes cringy, embarrassing, and sickening. So really the there are no pros to cheating.

Cons of cheating

1. You will damage your marriage. Time, energy, emotions that should be reserved for your marriage and family will be directed elsewhere and your marriage will suffer.

2. You will damage your wife. When she discovers your cheating, she will be devastated. Read on the Just Found Out Forum, and you will see the pain and trauma suffered by those who have been betrayed. It is truly awful what betrayal does to the betrayed. If you think she won’t find out, you are deluded. Some of the worst stories I have read on here are from those where the betrayed spouse finds out after the wayward spouse’s death. Sometimes the affair partner tells the betrayed spouse out of anger when they don’t get their way. Even if she never found out, you would be hurting her as you give what you vowed to reserve for her to someone else.

3. You are opening a huge can of worms getting involved with someone who is comfortable destroying a family. Have you heard the term "bunny boiler"? It comes from the movie Fatal Attraction, but it’s a real thing. Affair partners can go off the deep end when the married partner wants to end the affair. They may blackmail you, stalk you, tell your friends and family, hurt your property, hurt your wife, hurt you. Someone who is ok cheating with a married man is unstable and selfish. Protect yourself and your family by not getting involved.

4. You will damage yourself. In order to cheat you will be telling lots of lies to yourself, and to other people. Living a life of integrity and honesty is beautiful and peaceful. It feels so wonderful to know that you have never cheated. You can’t buy integrity, but you can destroy it in an instant. Don’t give up your integrity for SHORT term pleasure.

5. If you have children, even adult children, you will hurt them in so many ways that can echo down through many generations.

The big question you need to think about is what is your end game. How will this affair end? Who will this affect? Many cheaters tend to be very shallow thinkers. They don’t think deeply about the consequences of their actions. They think their spouse will not find out and if they do they won’t care. Be assured there will be consequences to having an affair and they will be far reaching and they will NOT be good. Even if your spouse never found out, you pulling away from the marriage will make your relationship worse and it will continue to deteriorate as you put more time and energy into this other person.

Another question for you. Why would you want to spend time with someone who is ok participating in the destruction of someone else’s marriage? Who is comfortable hurting another human being. Who is comfortable with lies and deception and cruelty. Who is so selfish they don’t care who they hurt and how many lives they destroy. Seriously.

I understand that you want more sex. Talk to your wife about it. Cheaters often tend to be conflict avoidant. They don’t bring up the issues in the marriage and then as their resentment builds, they feel entitled to get what they want elsewhere. Work on your conflict avoidance and speak directly to your wife about what you want in your marriage. Ask her what she wants and work together to make your marriage great or realize that what you each want is incompatible and then go your separate ways.

I have read and heard about thousands of real life situations of infidelity, and I have never ever seen a single one that ended well. Ever. Someone will get hurt. Usually many people will be devastated. There will not be a happy ending.

Think of infidelity like a combination of Pandora's Box and Eve's apple. Short term gratification with long term negative consequences that you can never undo.

I second what Bigger said. Talk with your wife and see if there's a solution that works for both of you. I have a friend who allows her husband to discreetly seek sex outside the marriage because it's painful for her and she's over it, but they love/like each other and want to stay married.

But don't betray your wife. You'll likely end up feeling rotten in your own skin, and it will hurt her immensely.

It will cause far more problems that you think it will "solve"

I am very curious of your wife's health. What is the underlying reason for your sexless marriage. For a woman in your age demographic there could be many reasons preventing her from engaging in sexual activity without varying degrees of pain.

In any event, your conversation with this "friend" is inappropriate at best. A wannabe homewrecker is never a friend. Be very careful as you are halfway down a slippery slope.

Chaos tangent and T/J - I have always thought that while Vigara et al is not a bad thing for men of a certain age per se, but it should be accompanied in conjunction with something for the partner as well. Otherwise that could be a recipe for disaster.

Chaos tangent and T/J - I have always thought that while Vigara et al is not a bad thing for men of a certain age per se, but it should be accompanied in conjunction with something for the partner as well.

Curious: you certainly imply there’s a female equivalent of Viagra. Care to share what that is?

Gr8ful- It’s better for your wife to talk to their doctor. Different solutions do exist but there isn’t just one.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:02 PM, Friday, December 6th]

Hey Ducksoup,

I second everything everyone else has replied to you so far, especially the following:

But the solution to a sexless marriage is not to cheat on the marriage, but to deal with the issues within the marriage.

and

Maybe you have to function as a couple rather than two people sharing the same address.

Everyone here is either someone who has been betrayed by their partner or someone who has betrayed their partner and is willing to do anything to help them heal from this immensely painful wound. So, we are all people who know the pain infidelity brings to both ends. It is an understatement to say that no one deserves to feel this pain.

I suggest you to be honest with your wife, talk to her about the problems you have in your marriage and see if there is willingness from both ends to find solutions that are respectful to the feelings and needs of both of you. If not, you can always decide to end the marriage and move on with your life, just as Bigger said. I know that is easier said than done, but, trust me, it will be much easier than the suffering and pain betrayal brings and the work and healing it requires afterwards.

[This message edited by Mage at 11:06 PM, Friday, December 6th]

Possible this is just a troll-type posting, but on the chance it isn't i apologize, I understand that being in a sexless marriage is challenging. I think you need to have an honest conversation with your wife andxtray some solutions. If she is unwilling to address the issue in a satisfactory way for both of you, exit the relationship in an honourable way and then move on.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 1:38 AM, Saturday, December 7th]

I have come here to reply to this because it just hits hard. Warning: I am going to be VERY medically graphic, but you need to hear it and comprehend.

My husband began his affair at around age 69, because he wasn’t getting "enough sex".

The reason for this was initially because I was developing something called vaginal atrophy, a condition that is very common in post-menopausal women. I was experiencing a little pain during sex at first, and didn’t say anything, believing it was "just a little dryness" or maybe we didn’t do enough foreplay, something like that.

But it kind of gradually got worse, and began to make me reticent to have sex, because it was really starting to mess with my mojo. I was starting to anticipate pain with sex, not pleasure.

I participated anyway. I never said anything.

Until one day, it hurt so bad, and I tore.

I told him it hurt. We finished, but afterwards I was bleeding. I also didn’t tell him THAT, because I didn’t want him to think he hurt me.

Subsequently, I worried. I declined sex. I avoided it. Because on a pain level, things began to just "hurt" without sex. It just hurt randomly. Shooting pains down there.

Do you know how embarrassing it is to go to a doctor and say it hurts down there - let alone be a woman in her 60’s and say "I’m having sex and it hurts a lot".

First of all, doctors just don’t believe women in general when they report pain. But telling them about pain during sex adds a whole ‘nuther level of embarrassment and discomfort, let alone "who even believes that this old lady is even having sex in the first place, she’s probably delusional".

Anyway, I got an appointment. And as is the normal case, it was about 4 months down the calendar. The exam was absolutely the one of the most excruciating things I have ever experienced in my life. I will spare the details, but the nurse was also crying.

I got some cream, a simple hormone cream. It took a few months to work. But it did!

But meanwhile…….

MY HUSBAND HAD ALREADY STARTED HIS AFFAIR.

Why?

He never spoke a single word to me about his sexual needs, his dissatisfaction with the frequency of our sexual activity. He never talked about it, not one time.

He just turned his back on me - figuratively and literally.

When I went to the doctor, he was uninterested because he was already talking to the AP.
And when I went to him to tell him the "playground" was back open, he just looked at me and walked away, saying nothing. He was already gone.

He gave me no chance.

He never even had a single conversation about what was happening in his mind or heart.

He never talked with me about his feelings of loneliness, his need for sexual connection.

I should have had that conversation too

I WAS HAVING THOSE SAME FEELINGS. I ALSO FELT DISCONNECTED. I ALSO FELT THE NEED FOR SEXUAL CONNECTION TO HIM.

But neither of us knew how to open that conversation up - so instead, somehow, he felt a hell of a lot more at ease with opening that conversation with someone else than he did with his wife of almost five decades.

My advice to you is to just sit your grown ass down with her. Be a man of integrity and honesty. And use all the vulnerability you have and tell her that you feel a need for connection, love, touch, sex, and passion again. And that you want it with her. And that maybe the two of you need counseling, or a lot of conversation, or something, but your mind has been leading you to temptation and you just don’t want to go there.

Try that first.

Because an affair will burn your world down around you, I guarantee it. And the ashes you will be standing in will remain hot for the rest of your life.

5Decades, I don’t have much to say besides I’m so very sorry you experienced that. Thank you for sharing; it’s an important story to hear. Hugs.

Super helpful post, 5D.

"I’m just wondering about the plusses and minuses of following through with my desire to have a sexual relationship with her"

You know that expression "fuck around and find out" ? This is the textbook definition of that. For all the reasons other people have given you in their replies and more, I guarantee you that the temporary pleasure of the fucking around part will not nearly, nearly make up for the pain you cause yourself and others when it comes to the finding out part.

Think carefully about the people you love before taking on this no-win gamble.