I am sorry, this will be a bit long. I am floored with how many people I see that are also saying they are back.
I want to start by giving a little background on myself. I am 41 and mother to DS(14) and DD(12). My current H and I have been married for almost 15 years. I actually found this website over 16 years ago after I divorced my first husband. To say that this place and the people in it saved my existence would be an understatement. I am trying to remember all of the rules, so I am posting here first for my emotional safety, but if it needs to move, please feel free. I couldn't for the life of me remember my screen name and all of the email accounts I had from back then are disabled.
When I started here so long ago, I was actually the WP. I had an ONS and immediately felt sick, regretful, angry, terrified..just all of the feelings. I was an absolute horrible person to my XH. He actually wanted to work it out, but in my head I did not want to be married anymore with a side of, I didn’t deserve him, with a heaping portion of, I am the world’s biggest F’up and deserve to die single old miserable woman for what I did. Morally it was completely out of character for me. I read so many posts here before I posted in Wayward and realized that while I did an absolute atrocious thing, I wasn’t a horrible person. I went to therapy, read so many books, and have so many more boundaries for myself.
But as I said, I am back, only this time, I am the BS (with no MadHatter in this relationship). Our relationship was incredibly fast and if I am honest with myself and all of you, I should never have entered into to it. I was still way to raw and unhealed, but I was also scared, lonely, and alone. We were both single and had an immediate lust attraction. I was drunk with the idea that even though he knew my history, he still liked me. A few months together and surprise! we found out we were pregnant with DS. We got married and well….the rest is history as they say.
As far as I know, H (47) has never had a PA, only EA’s. I say as far as I know, but it’s mostly just because I have never found solid evidence of one. It does not make this any better, just giving information. The first EA was about 5 years in, which I thought would be the last because we actually did go to therapy, we worked on us. I stopped looking through his phone and computer, I felt good about our relationship. A few months prior to our 10 year anniversary, I had a large kidney stone and was at home recovering when I saw his email open on our home computer. This is when I found out he had a secret email account I knew nothing about. I was stupid and made him disable it immediately. I should have kept it going so that I could get the real truth, not just what he fed me. I have honestly never trusted him since.
We moved to our current home in 2020 when he changed jobs. He worked nights and I couldn’t sleep one night and hopped onto our computer. He had left his Facebook page open, and he was getting message from a woman at like 2am. None of the messages were sexually explicit, however,
1. Why was he asking to meet a woman, in a park, at 2am
2. Why did she feel the need to let him know that she was in a relationship now, so they could only talk.
He swears there was nothing physical – I on the other hand, don’t believe that for a second.
I pretty much broke as a person after that. I don't recognize myself anymore. He has and did and does refuse any and all therapy for himself, for us, and as a family. He refuses to read any books with me. Refuses to do any self lead couples help with me. He just wants to sweep it right under the rug.
I am not proud of this, but about a year ago, I figured out the code on his work phone. He doesn’t know I know. Honestly, since I have known it, I have seen nothing nefarious. Until last week. I found deleted message between him and a woman and again…nothing sexual, but the innuendo’s and his past history gives me the feeling that this is only a small portion of their interactions. I took pictures of everything so he couldn’t fully delete them and then gaslight me.
I am not ready to have this conversation. Half of me wants to just leave right now. The other half for some ungodly reason, wants to find out if they actually have been or will become physical. I can’t confront him with how I know, because then he will change the code on his phone, but I have no idea how to have this conversation without the proof I have.
At this point, I know what I should do, but I can’t seem to pull the trigger. I know that it’s fear, but practically, I just can’t afford to leave with the kids. I can’t afford our house on my own (even with child support). If it was just me, I would find a one bedroom or studio in a heartbeat and file for divorce.
I can’t be in a marriage with someone who I don’t think I will ever trust again. Even if I confront and he actually starts doing all of the things I need him to do, I would constantly just wait for the other shoe to drop.
And for some stupid reason, I still love him. I know that there is nothing wrong with that, but man does it make it hard to get off this damn fence.