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I am wondering if it is time to switch therapists, but don't know if my issues are with therapy in general or my specific therapist.

I have been to about 14 sessions and taken onboard suggestions like meditation and increasing physical activity to manage distress. However, when I tell her that I am still struggling a lot of her advice is around building a wider support network and telling more people about my WH's affairs. I live in a relatively small community and am not comfortable with everyone knowing my business. It also makes me feel she thinks I need to leave him and that if I tell more people, they will help convince me of this.

I am curious about other's experiences with therapy. Is it realistic to expect more advice on coping and thinking through things? Also, is it normal for them to put such emphasis on things like expanding hobbies and friendships? Between work and parenting, I barely have time for the friends I have.

Just adding she has also indirectly suggested I am codependent without any specifics why. I get the feeling that she thinks anyone who stays in a relationship after infidelity is codependent which feels unfair.

I get the feeling that she thinks anyone who stays in a relationship after infidelity is codependent which feels unfair.

Please find a new therapist. This one is not helping you.

I have happily R w/ my H so I guess I am co-dependent. I "fit" the therapist’s criteria.

Couldn’t be further from the truth. ROFLMAO 🤣

How YOU feel about a particular therapist is probably the most important opinion. You have to feel like you’re making progress. You NEED the progress, or you wouldn’t be in therapy.

In my opinion, a good therapist is process and growth focused. They should have more questions than answers They will give you advice (like yours has) for getting your feet under you. That will allow you to feel stable and progress into exploration of how you really feel about your current situation, whatever it is. Over time, those realized feelings can be explored for opportunities to take meaningful actions to improve your situation. Those meaningful actions build confidence and get you out of your situation and help you avoid it the next time.

If you’re not feeling it with your therapist, I’d bring it up to her and use a session to discuss it. If it goes well, great. If it doesn’t, it’ll confirm your need to move on and give you a better idea of what you DON’T want in a therapist.

You need the right fit. We had an MC around our last DDay that really helped us in some ways, but she was biased towards ENM and didn’t 100% respect our goal of functional monogamy. That was the first requirement for our current MC.

I work in mental health and thus work involves constant interaction with all kinds of therapists. There are of course as many styles as there are therapists. People on SI talk about some terrible MCs and ICs who do some things that are clearly inappropriate. But usually most therapists are in it because they care and because they have good interpersonal skills. The type of therapy they do is less important than the connection itself.

Trauma focused therapists usually have either EMDR, TF-CBT or CPT in their toolkit and may either conduct their sessions entirely on the basis of these treatments or just work in little bits of it all the time as part of their work (more like "trauma-informed" therapy).

Some patients like getting direct advice others prefer the style where the therapist guides you in your discussion and lets you come up with the solutions on your own. There is definitely a belief amongst therapists that you are much more likely to actually do something that you come up with on your own.

It sounds like you are not feeling thrilled with the suggestions you are getting so it is perfectly appropriate to consider switching. Then again in my opinion the best therapists are those that tell us the stuff we don’t really want to hear. I can understand why they would be encouraging building out the support networks some IRL friends you could actually talk about the infidelity with. Of course it is understandable that you are private, many people are so that just may not work for you. But, I do think it could be huge if you found more you could open up to. Have you guys worked through what are your fears of the worst case scenario if more people in the community knew the truth? Do you worry they would look at your husband differently? It is usually the lazy therapist that tells the client more what they want to hear.

What are your treatment plan goals and what are you doing to meet them? The goals should be established by shared decision-making between you and your therapist.

Expanding your friends and hobbies can do many things, like ward off you isolating and/or going into depression.

If you feel stuck in your treatment, let your therapist know and see if they will adjust. If not, then it may be time to change therapists.

Co-dependency and trauma bonding have similar traits. Dr. Ramani has some YouTube videos that explain the difference, the brain chemistry behind trauma bonding, and more. She puts it in a way that's easy to understand. (She works with people who are or were in relationships with narcissistic personality disorder, and I'm not saying that is your situation.)

One of my biggest issues with therapy is just about anyone with a handful of psych classes can hang a shingle that they are a therapist. When truly to be effective and good it requires education, experience, ongoing education and certifications for being "EMDR" "Trauma informed" "CBT" for therapies.

I would encourage you to seek put someone who is specialized in trauma and has some of the above recommended treatment certifications. There is a great website for finding high quality therapists that you can use by searching your zip code and designated number of miles from your home and I believe now has a filter for insurance type too. It is a very well know search tool and I recommend it weekly to patients. "Psychology Today" in your search bar will get you there. The profiles even have pictures.

Thank you all for the perspectives. Sounds like best approach is to tell her IC is not completely working for me and go from there.

In relation to a few specific comments...

Have you guys worked through what are your fears of the worst case scenario if more people in the community knew the truth? Do you worry they would look at your husband differently? It is usually the lazy therapist that tells the client more what they want to hear.

My main fear is our kid finding out as a lot of my close friends are parents of their friends. And I admittedly don't like the idea of people looking at either of us differently or discussing things behind our back.

I also agree with your second point which is why I have stuck with it so far.

Co-dependency and trauma bonding have similar traits. Dr. Ramani has some YouTube videos that explain the difference, the brain chemistry behind trauma bonding, and more.

Thank you...I will look into this further. I didn't think I was co-dependent because I initially told him to get out and was completely willing to end things. I only let him stay because he immediately stopped what he was doing and made it clear he wanted to repair. I guess things are murkier now that I am continuing to let him remain after TT and other crappy behavior.

Is this current therapist a Licensed Clinical Social Worker? As an undegraduate degree, Social Work puts more emphasis on the dynamics between people in families and social circles. Whereas the traditional undergraduate psychology degree like I earned focuses mostly on individual psychosocial factors, innate traits and so forth.

When I read what this therapist is urging you to do, I wondered if her background is grounded in the social work academic track.

Interestingly, a LCSW can prescribe anti-depressants and open a practice after earning a Masters in Social Work, whereas a Masters in Counseling Psychology doesn't usually grant the graduate such immediate privileges, unless they work at least a year or more of post-masters training or they earn a PsyDoc degree.

I have had three therapists over the last 6 years. The first helped me in the immediate aftermath, but she was too focused on the OW and her issues. The next I used BetterHelp and specifically asked for a male over 40. He was amazing. Perfect blend of support and gently challenging me. I finished with him but then a year later some things happened and I wanted to go back into therapy. I went back to therapist #2 and he actually recommended I try something different that he couldn’t do with me since we were remote. So he helped me find someone local and she’s been amazing. I’m seeing her just once a month, and it works.

The point is, each helped me through a different phase. None of them could be what I needed at each stage. So feel free to trust your gut and change if you aren’t getting what you want and need. And ABSOLUTELY bring it up with your therapist. A decent one will listen and either change their approach to meet your needs or will help you find a better fit. Always remember it is YOUR therapy. That you are paying for. Get what you need from it.

If there is no one local, it might be worth trying someone online like through BetterHelp. It’s different than in person, but it is also like having a written diary of your progress and thoughts, and you don’t have to answer right away. I loved being able to ponder and think and then respond. Anyway not for everyone, but I am a fan.

LCSW can prescribe anti-depressants

Not anywhere that I am aware of. I also don't want an LCSW prescribing meds. They absolutely do not have the knowledge and training on this.

LCSW can prescribe anti-depressants

What?

OK, my bad. I misread "treatments" that a LCSW is authorized to "prescribe" under laws in my state, which a Masters level counseling major from a Psycholgy program cannot "practice" independently until they have post-graduate hours, or have earned a Doctorate and done a year post-doctoral work in the field. I recalled the LCSW was said to be the fastest way to become a private practitioner. So, no Rxs, sorry!

There is - or at least there used to be - a slightly different approach to helping people between social work and psychology. A Clinical Psychologist is supposed to be the best trained if ine's goal is to delve into an individual's psychological makeup. Around here, they are few and far between, however.

T/j. 1stwife, I love your posts. I think you reconciled with your big, bad, self and your husband is allowed to come along. Taking your power back, man or woman, frees you so much from terror of being abandoned because you know you will be ok.

There is - or at least there used to be - a slightly different approach to helping people between social work and psychology. A Clinical Psychologist is supposed to be the best trained if ine's goal is to delve into an individual's psychological makeup.

That has changed. A master's level social worker can specialize (via cirriculum/practicum) in Mental/Behavioral Health (among other specialities). But of course, most professionals in this field find that environment cannot be overlooked, and will definitely play a part in both diagnostics and treatment planning.

Suggested approach is to very carefully read the bio/certification of the provider (someone mentioned Psychology Today, which is a great resource), obtain ratings/references where possible, and if at all possible scheudule at least a phone interview for specifics.

Not always an easy endeavor, but definitely worth the effort in most cases.

Best!