Hello, just wanted to vent my feelings. Broader story of the A is in JFO thread: https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/661713/gf-of-8-years-was-cheating-with-coworker-ea-15-yrs-pa-1-yr-i-want-to-try-to-make-it-work-but-want-her-to-admit-its-her-fa/
Two days ago I [28M] broke up with my GF [29F] of 8 years. I loved her, even though I know, that due to my personal issues I was at times a difficult partner (I was getting emotionally distant - but never any abuse from my side. From her side sometimes.).
Her response to our relationship issues was cheating on me for 1 year and 3 months with a coworker. Coworker that is 10 years older and has a wife and kids. She told me herself.
She told me that "she want to work on us" but her actions didn’t show that. She didn’t go no contact with the coworker. She was still meeting him in secrecy, texting him in secrecy, how they "missed each other" and "miss their time together". She wasn’t seeing her guilt truly. She was blameshifting the whole thing on me. She told me that she is hurt in that situation too, and that is my fault, because I made our life miserable. She didn’t look up any materials on how to help your partner when you cheated. She didn’t want to go to therapy. She didn’t want to go to couples therapy. She refused to have sex with me at all.
I saw that she lied – she told me that affair was 6 months. But truth is that their emotional affair was 1 year and 3 months and it turned sexual around 1 year ago. I saw their emotional texts, with lots of love etc. How they found their first true love in entire life, how special they make each other feel.
I also saw photos from their trips, how they kiss, how they hug, how they look at each other with love in their eyes. I also saw their sexting, photos of them having sex, videos how he masturbates and cums to her photos. How she wrote him how wet he makes her, how she misses his body, his touch, his voice etc. She was calling him "Daddy" and he was calling her his "little daughter". Gosh, that makes me sick.
Also, when we travelled or went out together, she was sending him photos with me cropped out. There were dozens of photos like this. She was just deleting me from her life, and showing that false life to him. They had a whole separate relationship, that she was living parallel to ours. What I was giving her, she was transferring to that different life.
I also found her messages about me. She told the coworker that she is with me because of "attachment, gratitude and support I provide her with". Seriously.
After a month of being in post-discovery shock and lying to myself that it may work out, I decided to break up.
Now I feel like shit. I feel that she used me – I was the one fully supporting us financially for last full year, because she was earning less. I provided us with a house – we lived in my apartment. I was giving all those things to her, because I loved her and I wanted to provide her with a safe space to grow. Also, I was the one who landed her that job through my connections.
In the texts I found that she and coworker set up a separate account for her, and on that account was more money than my savings, because I was the one paying for everything, and for that 1 year she just saved almost all her income (!!!).
I feel so used. I feel that she was with me only to use me. I feel that she took everything that I was giving her, only because I was the "safe partner" whom she could use to secure her situation, and whom she could drain. Maybe she even believed that she loves me in some way, but truth is she just convinced herself that it’s that way – to not feel that bad about herself. If she truly loved me, she would truly try to work on our relationship, or even leave me if she was feeling unhappy. In fact, I feel that she hated me, but didn't admit it to herself. I think she hated me for not being a partner she craved for, while living in my apartment and afraid to lose it - this way she could have felt "trapped". Cheating was her way of getting back at me for what she saw as trapping her. Also, a way to find another male that may provide her security in the future (although from what I saw in the texts, this guy is on the fence with his wife and kids still in his life - typical).
I feel like ~5 years of my life was a lie (our first 3 years together were good - but now I see how her patterns of behaviour started really early on). Or even if not 5 years, than that last 1.5 year was a full lie.
She took a lot from me. Now I see how she cut me off some of my friends and she undermined my relationship with my mom. And, what’s the most important, she took my right to decide on my own life. If she told me upfront that she loves somebody else and if I want to continue this relationship, I would be able to decide by myself if I want to stay in such an arrangement (I wouldn’t).
How could she do this to someone that was with her for 7 years? It just bugs me how could she lie to the man that devoted (at the beginning of the affair) 7 years of his life for her. I’m just so disappointed that she didn’t make one hard decision to go through a hard talk with me – and either decide to work on our relationship or split. Especially that we didn’t have mortgages, kids, weren’t married. She could just go (but apparently didn't want to, because she sucked to me like a parasite). How could she not have that smallest bit of respect towards me?
Instead of going, she put me through hell. I barely function. I can’t sleep or eat. I can’t work (I’m white collar and absolutely cannot focus). I feel so mad at myself for not seeing what was happening. For ignoring all the redflags, because I trusted her and was afraid to confront.
This whole thing make me so sick. My personal issues intensified.
I’m trying to work on it – reached out to my friends and family. I try to do sports. I try to work. I started seeing a therapist.
But it’s just so so so hard. I feel betrayed and used. I regret all those money that I gave her (mainly through paying the bills and groceries). I regret losing agency in my own life. I feel that I don’t know a person with whom I believed I was so close. With whom I hoped to get married and start a family. I hate myself for not acting earlier.
Thank you for reading this.
[This message edited by Isthereapoint at 5:35 PM, Tuesday, October 24th]