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Why the heck that everytime I bring up or talk about the affair details with my H, he gets irritated, annoyed and we always ending up arguing/fighting!!!

He keeps telling me not to bring it up anymore as we already talked about it numerous times and we just keep repeating ourselves over and over and over again?!

He said that he fell with the AP but not really in love with her but they had PA/EA for atleast 6 months. He was saying that it is nothing special and those are all empty words to the AP because the "love" we have/had is way special and different?! what does even mean?

A ended the next day I found out. No connection anymore with the AP since then. Blocked to everything.

Is it just me who cannot get over it? Am I overreacting?
Is it a sign that I should give up to him and let him go?

This is not you over-reacting. You have every right to try to understand what the fuck happened, and what the fuck is going on in your life.

If he's getting irritated when you bring up the affair, that's him trying to avoid a topic he doesn't want to deal with, even if it means hurting you. He's trying to protect himself or the image he wants to have of himself.

That is not a good sign for R - it means he still feels a need to hide himself and not deal with his shit or the consequences of his choices. You can't reconcile a marriage until he fixes his issues.

It doesn't mean you need to give up. But it does mean you need to shift your focus with the 180 and putting it on your emotional wellbeing.

(((Kibo)))

Google affair trauma. Then Google affair recovery.

It takes the betrayed a very long time to heal. And that’s with the cheater doing more than just trying to sweep it under the rug.

Because that is what YOUR cheater is trying to do. Avoid the consequences. Pretend it did not happen. Move on.

Except it does not work like that. And if the cheater cannot engage in doing what is needed to help you heal, I don’t see a very happy reconciliation for you.

Sorry to say, allowing the cheater to sweep this under the rug will get you another affair and another Dday.

Ask me how I know.

Just wanted to say you're not alone. My WW (wife) is very much the same. Doing some work, but very much wants it to just go away. Most of the time if if comes-up, she ways things like, "I thought we'd gotten this all out in the open". WW who take that approach still don't "get it". So I've been working on myself and looking out for my kids. Not a full 180, but definitely have taken an emotional step back. At the end of the day, you can't force people to do anything, they need to get there on their own. It's whether or not we as BS can continue (want to) live in this kind of limbo while they sort themselves out.

I don’t think anyone here will ever be able to tell you whether or not to end your marriage. But part of processing the trauma is talking about it and it’s not healthy that your WH keeps shutting you down. You’re not wrong and it’s not abnormal to want to know how and why your life got flipped upside down.

I see that you are only about 3 months out from Dday. So everything is raw and fresh. So much pain and trauma. At this juncture, you should be allowed to openly discuss A whenever you need to. Your WH should own up to the damage he has caused and be willing to sit through YOUR pain. He needs to give you space to process your pain, questions, fears, etc. When he gets defensive and tells you to not bring up the A anymore, that is not a good sign.
However, it is not a sign you should give up. It’s too premature for you to make any decision. You may need to set up firm boundaries and put your foot down on what you need for you to give him another chance.
Do you have an IC?

WSs do not like talking about the affair. It stresses them the f..k out. It’s f-ing depressing and annoying! They’ll be sitting there in a pleasant mood enjoying dinner, an ice cold beer, a movie, a ball game and here comes the BS AGAIN, at the worst times, always the worst times, asking the same damned questions, over and Over and OVER AND OVER!. It’s relentless. The BS is obviously just trying to pick a fight and is not at all interested in R!

The WS doesn’t deserve to be treated like…

sound of record needle scratching

Sorry WSs, but this is what you should expect when you inflict this level of trauma on your spouse. No one said R would be easy. Affair trauma symptoms and sequelae don’t just go away. You don’t just get to sit in the dog house and wait it out. The repetitive questions, rumination, mind movies are all the natural and expected result of PTSD. It’s the mind’s way of processing, sorting out, making sense of something so incomprehensible.

If you’re a WS who’s serious about helping your BS heal from your assault and emotional battery, you will learn to welcome these affair related discussions, as inconvenient and uncomfortable as they may be. You need to completely change your attitude about these talks. They’re vitally important to the BS and should be important to you, if you really give a shit. These talks are precious opportunities for the WS to intervene and make a difference. Drop whatever it is you’re doing, turn off the TV, put your fork down, grab your partner’s hand, look them in the eye and say, "What is it you would like to know…what would you like to talk about?"

If you have a chance in hell of saving your BS and marriage this, THIS is the single most important thing you can do, so don’t fuck it up.

You have a H that is still in a wayward mindset. He is selfish and only worried about how he feels, and you are buzz kill. He is not remorseful and doesn’t know or care about the level of trauma he has put on you. Time to detach and take care of you at this point R is not an option with him.

If I’m getting your story right, he only ended this affair about 12 to 14 weeks ago, and then only when you forced him to - but he thinks you should be over it by now because of the special love you share?
He could probably use a wake-up call.
Tell him you’ll be less anxious about all of in three to five years and keep talking about whatever the hell you need to talk about.

"Sorry to say, allowing the cheater to sweep this under the rug will get you another affair and another Dday.

Ask me how I know."

1st wife ^^

I too experienced this. It is imho way more difficult for a BS and a marriage to heal from an A than it would have been for the WS to work on themselves and their whys before cheating. R is very hard work.

Are you sure you want to R?

He’s not the one in charge now. He should shut up, listen, and console. He made the mess now he needs to man up and take it. If not, then he isn’t reconciling material.
I would 180 him. Move on with your life, look for ways to make you feel better without any input from him. He needs to see you have turned the page and no longer need his support.

What is 180 and how does it work? Submitted by Making It

A:
180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

So here's the list:

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."

Dontlookbackinanger:

How was the 180 going on? Does it really work?

I could relate when you said:

"Most of the time if if comes-up, she ways things like, "I thought we'd gotten this all out in the open".

Exactly my H was saying every time I try to bring up the affair.

And I couldnt agree more, cant force them to do anything if they want to.

Goodluck to us!
Thanks for your message.

Thank you all for your messages.
It means a lot to me and it gives me an idea to understand what it is really going on as I am really lost, confused and to be honest, dont know what to do anymore.

Thank you!

Yikes! Just saw the typos in my older post- apologies.

To your question, "how is it going?" There has been an interesting development. She and I were planning on going away this past long weekend (for some of us in the US it was a long weekend). One of the ways we've been working on re-connecting are these 'alone times' with just the two of us.

Earlier last week before we left, she turned to me and said, "I sense you've things on your mind, I want to give you the space to bring those up before the weekend so we can get anything out in the open before we leave." This was a first! To be honest, I was in a bit of shock simply because I wasn't prepared for her to do that. She is usually very avoidant.

The messed-up, betrayed mind defaults to, "well, she's just being selfish because she doesn't want anything to ruin her fun." But... I was willing to give her a slight benefit of the doubt and believe that she might actually be open to a real discussion. I told her, that absolutely I had things on my mind I wanted to discuss with her, but I wasn't ready in that moment to have those talks. I told her that I appreciated her saying that and offering the space for it, and that I would take her up on it in the future when I was ready.

So I want to believe that's progress. The real test of it will be when I am ready to have a further discussion with her on a few areas that are still weighing on me. Most importantly, I need to understand from her, what she has done within herself to make me feel safe again. She's done the obvious, external "easy" things... complete NC (has been for a very long time now), she's gotten rid of the apps that she used for the EA, a totally new phone number, absolute transparency, she's expressed genuine remorse (not just regret at getting caught, but real remorse and shame) etc. I do honestly believe that she has ended everything, is committed to rebuilding our relationship and is on the right track.

What is still missing are two things in my opinion... 1) total truth. I know more went on than what I found-out and she eventually admitted to. But this is par for the course for WW's and I'm trying to accept I may never know 100% of the truth. Over time that is starting to matter less. It only nags at me because I worry about the potential for another "shoe to drop". She knows if it happens, I'm done. Period.

The second is her lack of self-reflective, introspection which usually comes from being in IC, something she is very resistant to at the moment. Like many WW's, she simply doesn't want to take that hard look inside herself.

It's that second point I intend to have a conversation with her about. I want to understand what she has done, in the absence of IC, to really understand herself and what in her character enabled her to make (and continued to make) some very horrible decisions. Putting aside context (the state of our relationship) and opportunity (someone coming along and them both playing into one-another). Context and opportunity happen to plenty of people, but in most cases something in our character puts the breaks on it from becoming an EA/PA. We find a way to deal with it differently.

That's what makes me continue to feel unsafe. Has she really tried to understand 'why' and 'how' she could take that initial step. Maybe she will never understand, but has she at least tried?

So that's where I'm at.

Start the 180 today. Don’t call him, text, or acknowledge him. Pretend you have a secret that you can’t tell him…which actually you do…and grin and bear the pain. I’ve been there and it’s the best thing you can do for you.
Look past him. Hum a song and clean out your fridge. Fold the clothes and listen to your favorite songs on your iPods or headphones. Move on. He thinks he can control the information but he can’t control you. That’s the secret. He can’t control you anymore.
Good luck.

The 180 is a way to detach from an unremorseful WS when the BS need specific direction on how to attach. In essence the 180 minimizes communication, which is an excellent way to start to detach.

If R is possible, however, you need to maximize communication. Use communication to test your WS's willingness to do the work necessary to R.

...everytime I bring up or talk about the affair details with my H, he gets irritated, annoyed and we always ending up arguing/fighting!!!

He keeps telling me not to bring it up anymore as we already talked about it numerous times and we just keep repeating ourselves over and over and over again?!

These are actions of a person who does not want to face what they've done. That's very big red flag for R. Your H may very well be sending up signs that he will not do the work he needs to do.

To R, IMO, he needs to commit to no more lies. To R, IMO, he needs to accept that his head is not screwed on right and that he needs help getting his head on straight. He needs to change from cheater to good partner, and he won't begin to change until he accepts he needs to change.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/598080/the-simplified-180/ is much better than the basic 180 doc, at least IMO.