SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am glad I found this website. I've been reading and ordered a few of the books from the healing library.

My husband and I have been together 14 years this month and have 3 kics together. Last August I made the terrible mistake of having an affair. We have been together since 2009 and married in 2014, seriously the happiest day of my life...

Our marriage was never perfect, but since the day I met my husband (high school) I've been head over heels for him. I could have never imagined doing the things I did to him or causing this pain- to him and our children. I have supported our family financially for a few years now, and it came to a point where he literally told me he has no intention to work and I will have to do it on my own. He didn't give me affection or love, and I will be completely honest because I need advice on how to hopefully salvage my marriage.. At times he was verbally and emotionally abusive. He has told me that he never really wanted to marry me and that it was only because he went into the army. He's told me that he can't wait to finally be able to leave me and find a better woman. Throughout our years together I've caught him talking with other women online, asking for naked photos, and with one woman he knew in his home country had a years long EA that I kept finding out about. I'd catch him he'd apologize and a year later I would catch him again.

Just a month after we were married I found the kik app on his phone and saw conversations with a different girl he begged to send him photos of her naked, she did and he did the same. Telling her he was going to be stationed in the state she lived in and they were going to meet and have sex. I was so heart broken.

The last time in 2020 and found nude photos of the woman he had a years long EA with on his phone. I confronted her and told her husband as well. She begged me to tell her husband it was a misunderstanding because she has so many kids and couldn't support them she told me she wouldn't speak to my husband again, so I stupidly helped her out... I ended up finding out they kept communication throughout that time..

Years before that, he left home one night and I just knew something was wrong. He was angry and treating me worse than he usually does. He said he was with a friend, but I found out he met with a girl he found on an app and had sex with her in the car. (I didn't find out for sure until after my affair, but I knew something had happened)

At a very low point in my life, around the same time as finding the nude photos and confronting the woman,(2019) he said he wanted to leave me and packed a bag to leave. I was hysterical and devastated. I was on my knees crying and begging him to please stay that me and our children love and need him. I told him I felt like killing myself and he handed me his gun and told me to blow my brains out.. I was crying on the floor with the gun to my head when he came in and said how sorry he was and he loves me..

Needless to say, I've had extremely low self-esteem. I'm depressed and would often find myself praying to one day be good enough for him..

I am not perfect by any means, but I am a good wife to him. I took care of him, always made sure he had 3 meals per day, clean clothes, and gave him endless amounts of love.

Now for my screw ups.

Back when our first child was born (2013) he wanted to leave to US and go to home country (he was born here, but his family is from a different country). He said he would be back and would stay in contact with me. He left and I didn't hear from him for months. He blocked me on Facebook, not even his mother would answer my calls or messages. Weeks and months went by not hearing a peep from him. Then I got a call from my mom telling me that my brother was still friends with him on Facebook and that he changed his status to single. I was devastated, I felt so alone. All I could do was lay in bed and cry. My mom came to help me out with our baby, but I could barley find the motivation to eat. I missed so much work during that time and ended up being in a really bad financial situation. I was friends with someone who had a business and was always offering to buy us groceries and help with money. He asked me on a date. I felt like i shouldnt but i agreed because i was just so lost and he helped us so much. We went on a few dates and a month into it we have sex. It was weird and horrible and I ended up telling him I could not continue this and that I was still in love with my then boyfriend. So that was it, completely over with. Then one day my husband calls and I found out he had a phone the whole time but just didn't want me having his number. He still wouldn't respond back most of the time but one night he said he missed me. He came home about a month after that and we resumed our relationship. But I knew he had been with someone else, I could just feel it and it turns out I was correct. He had sex with another woman while he was away..

Fast forward to August 2022. I was working a crappy warehouse job to get our bills paid. I begged him to please work but he just wouldn't. I started to feel really bad resentment, I was having bad thoughts, thinking one day he would regret treating me so badly and taking me for granted. I was in a really bad space.. he told me he wanted to try and join the police in another state (where we lived until 2016) and his friend could for sure help him get in. I didn't want to move back there but I was happy he was FINALLY pursuing something again.

He wanted us to move there right away. I was all for it until I spoke to my father and he told me I would be absolutely stupid to do so until he's actually in academy and was for sure going to be a police officer. I thought of all the financial troubles we've had. And I thought of when he previously tried to join a different police department there a year prior and failed to get in. So I told him I would Stat until he started academy. The biggest regret I have is not going with him and believing in him..

He left and during that time a guy from work began talking to me. It started off with getting me coffee, helping me with work, then compliments. We would talk after work outside with our manager. He began flirting with me and at first it was weird and I wasn't even attracted to him. But the little nice things he did, I guess the attention made me feel like someone cared and that I was special.

One day he came up behind me as I was walking to the car and he pulled me and kissed me. I was in shock. I told him I had to go and left.. I should have slapped him and quit!! I can't remember the exact timeline, but it happened again and I did the same. Just left.. the Third time I kissed him back..

I felt so horrible! But then again feeling like someone actually liked me was nice.. I should have left!

It escalated to sitting in the car talking and kissing.. my husband would call me and I would say I had to leave. One day he called and was calling me names and being really mean so I blew up and told him I wanted to take a break and separate, that I was sick of him treating me like trash. He cried and apologized, I cried.. I didn't mean it, I love him! But something terrible inside of me just wouldn't stop.

He ended up finding out because he sensed something was wrong, he had his mom get the dash cam footage from the car and he heard us having a conversation. Me confronting him about if he had a girlfriend! What a sick piece of crap I was!!

A week or so later he invited me out and he came over to pick me up. I invited him in since I wasn't ready and he came up behind me in the bathroom and started kissing me. We started to get intimate and he tried pulling me up on the bed but I ended up hitting my head. I told him I did not want to do this and kicked him off of me. He said he didn't want to ever force me and was sorry. I was STUPID and still went out with him.

We ended up having sex a few times in his car and a hotel.

All the while my husband was across the country begging me to give him another chance. Crying and pleading. He ended up getting injured prior to us having sex and he needed me! I should have left and went to him! But I didn't, I was angry he got hurt and probably messed up his chances at getting in the academy. He would send me pictures of us and our family. I was so depressed!! I wanted him so bad I wanted to believe him. I was staying with my sister in law and she kept convincing me not to take him back that he is a liar and will never change. It was all a huge mess.

This was all in the span of 1 month. My husband came back and kept begging me to take him back, said he did not want to lose me, and he would be good to me. I kept rejecting him. He found proof the AP did in fact have a partner the whole time. He told her and she kicked him out. AP called and asked me for help. I wanted to confront him so picked him up and brought him to where he was staying. We talked for a long time, I told him I was done that we hurt our partners and ruined our families. He kept saying he was unhappy with her. I told him to go home and beg for forgiveness..

I met with my husband after that and we hugged and I felt it in my heart he was where I belonged. I didn't want to lose my family but I was scared to go back fully in case he didn't change. One day I was out with my sister in law and her husband. My BS showed up and saw my car but wasn't there so he assumed I was with AP again. He went crazy and threatened to kill me and himself. My sister in law refused to go back home until I went to the police station and had them escort us. I was reluctant but did it. As we were being escorted into the apartment, he yelled out my name and it was like something snapped inside of me. It was like divine intervention. I instantly felt terrible pain and guilt and sorrow. I tried to go back out but they blocked the doors and wouldn't let me. They told me I was having Stockholm syndrome and needed to stay. The police made him leave and I was able to finally get out. I ran to my car calling and calling him crying and screaming how could I have done this?!?! He finally picked up and I told him how sorry I was how much I love him. He was so devastated.. we decided to meet the next morning.

We met and decided to take our time getting back together. The next day he called me and said his mom was saying terrible things about me to our kids and he wanted me to come help them get out so I did.

Ever since then we have been back together.

It has been HARD and painful. Ive been honest with his questions as hard as it is to answer them. But I am 100% committed to making our marriage work. Even with all the bad stuff he did to me, I HAD AN AFFAIR AND CAUSED ANGUISH! I RUINED OUR FAMILY! He has been angry and at times cruel. I started getting into church and we were going together for a while until i had an accident and suffered a concussion. He wont go back with me. He started going to the bar almost every single night. He says he needs time to feel ready to let me in again and feel safe. He then said that we need to separate and figure things out. He says he has to get even and is determined to do so. He says he's met many women that are interested in him but can't go beyond the initial text because it's wrong with me still living with him. He says he doesn't want to hurt me like that. But says he needs to get even with me to be able to possibly move forward. I finally secured an apartment for the end of the month and I am absolutely dreading it.

Through these 7 months we have made strides in improvement compared to the beginning. We got health insurance so we can both start counseling. He says he is a narcissist and wants to fix himself too. I don't know what else to do. He says he is going to miss me and be so heart broken when I leave but he needs to "let go slowly" to be able to know if he can really make things work or not. He says if he can't let go fully from me then he will know he wants to be with me.

What can I do?? I told him I am 100% committed and dedicated to him, our family, and our marriage. He says I can say that now but in 5 years will it happen again. I tell him there is absolutely no way I would ever risk losing him ever again. We still have great times, laugh, play, talk, and bond. But then he remembers and he becomes angry. Did we begin counseling too late?? Is it too late?? Is him seeking revenge and to get even wrong?? I understand his pain and point of view.. I don't want to lose him!! I love him. What else can I do to show him that I am committed that he can feel safe again? Are we doomed? Do marriages work after separation and being with other women??

So sorry this is scattered and all over the place. I am scared and need advice. I love my husband and am so sorry that I caused him this pain... is there anything else I can do to save us??

[This message edited by Scaredandconfused at 7:04 AM, Thursday, March 16th]

First of all... I am extremely sorry that this is all happening and has happened to you and your BH.

Now, your story is as triggering as they come. Both of you are damaged people, and I doubt reconciliation is possible when both of you are so hurt. I think his idea of a separation may be useful. At least to give the both of you perspective of life without each other. Obviously, such an arrangement can't be carried out with the expectation of monogamy or avoiding other people for the both of you. Your WH/BH (yes, he is the WH primarily) has shut you out, cheated on you (first), and verbally abused you. Is this healthy for you to remain in? With a self-admitted narcissist who can't treat you or himself with love or respect?

But, if you are seriously dedicated to healing the both of you and your marriage, it'll take extreme, extreme amounts of IC. Leave MC aside for now. Just work on yourselves. Become healthy versions of yourselves. Love yourselves. Only then can you repair your broken marriage that honestly should be looking at separation or divorce than continued pain.

I sincerely with the both of you all the best.

I think you are afraid of losing the fantasy version of your family.

The one you describe is devoid of respect, trust, honor or commitment. Sounds like that’s been gone a long time.

An affair is not a mistake. It’s the choice one makes and keeps making to disregard and dehumanize their spouse.

Both of you need therapy. Focus on yourselves as individuals and when enough healing has happened if you still want this relationship, then you can rebuild something healthier from two healthier individuals.

My guess is if you go to therapy you are going to learn a lot about yourself and may no longer want this toxic situation.

I am in a marriage where both have cheated. I was the initial one and then he did it. I can only tell you that it’s a miracle when both people get healthy and are willing to build a new relationship. Start with therapy.

Scared,

Normally I don't excuse affairs, but your H has cheated so much and been so emotionally abusive that it very much mitigates what you did. He had an entire secret second life going on.

It was more like a starving person stealing food what you did than a selfish act.

His affairs preceded yours and need to be dealt with first.

About your affair please get tested for STDs.

I HAD AN AFFAIR AND CAUSED ANGUISH! I RUINED OUR FAMILY!

No, you didn't. It was already a shitshow.

But says he needs to get even with me to be able to possibly move forward.

Never mind the multiple times that he betrayed you previously. Good lord. You're not even remotely even.

They told me I was having Stockholm syndrome.

They're not wrong.

I finally secured an apartment for the end of the month and I am absolutely dreading it.

I hope that you can reframe this as time to heal yourself away from the constant stress of conflict with your H. I would try to have minimal contact with him while you're separated, and lots of IC. You're young. You married young. You don't know who you are outside of this chaos, and it's going to take a lot of effort to try to be still and think, because you're accustomed to chaos.

I'm curious: Is he working now?

After first reading your initial post, your husband and you have a very toxic relationship. You have both been unfaithful to each other and of course things are not even or equal, but you have both hurt each other a lot.

This arsehole abandoned you and your newborn child to have an affair in another country. He has a child with you and he wouldn't share with you a phone number so that you could reach him in a true emergency. That is real father of the year kind of shit. I know that I have never been father of the year candidate myself, but I've never once abandoned my wife and child like this guy. Add on top of that that he has no intention to work. I have to ask this as kindly as possible, but time for a two by four to the head here, what is it that you seen in this loser?

To summarize, he cheats on you repeatedly for years, he abandons you after your child is born, leaving you a lone to care for a newborn all by yourself, he doesn't work and decides that he wants to leave to another state to pursue a job just willy nilly. I mean, your father was right to counsel you on not moving when he did, because otherwise you would be broke and without a place to stay in another state.

I'm not going to excuse away your infidelities as cheating on someone is never the answer. However, I will give you the grace and understanding that at least in a couple of instances it does appear as though your husband/boyfriend at the time just up and left you and didn't talk to you or help with anything for a long time. I think you really need to really figure out whether it makes sense to even continue with this guy.

Thank you for your responses. Some of them were hard to read.

I always used protection and I did get tested immediately after ending the affair.

No he is still not working. He has gone out every night and spends insane amounts of money sometimes. It's very stressful. Sometimes I ask if I can join him but he refuses. He says I am the reason and cause he began to go out to bars and drink and be more of a sinner.

I know it's been toxic at times during our relationship, but we do have love for each other. That he doesn't deny, he does love me but he says sometimes he wants and tries to make the love he has for me to go away. It crushes me.. its agonizing.. so painful. I feel sick to my stomach..

Throughout all his faults and flaws, he's a good person inside. I feel horrible for the damage that I caused with the affair I had. The worst part is that I did not end it immediately. While he was begging and pleading to let me give him a chance to go to counseling and for him to change for me, I kept rejecting him. I feel so ashamed and guilty for hurting him. I am having an incredibly hard time staying calm while he is out at night- sometimes until the next morning.

It makes it hard for me to control my emotions. I try to read and watch movies but I can't sleep or eat. I feel like I'm being consumed by my guilt and anguish of destroying my marriage. It wasn't always bad times, we've had, and still have, great times together. But he says he can't let me get close yet..

Is it wrong for me to be hurt by him pursuing and talking to other women? Do I even have a right to feel bad and sad? He says I do not, but I cannot help it.

I told him I see the damage and pain I have created for him and our children. The nightmare I put him through and truly value our marriage and bond. That putting the person you love through that much pain isn't worth it. I know, easier for me to say than done I guess.. He says he must get even and he wants me to see him with another woman. He says it's different for him because he's a man and it's different if men cheat. I don't get it, but he says it sometimes makes him feel like less of a man.. I don't want him to feel like that. I feel like and am such a piece of shit for what I did. How can I show him I am remorseful and only want him?

I'm making every possible effort I can to show him I am committed and willing to do what it takes to rebuild the trust. Sometimes he seems optimistic and has a little hope, and other times he says the time it takes to rebuild our marriage is time he doesn't want to waste to move on and find someone who will be loyal.

I've told him if we both commit and work for it, healing ourselves and our marriage can possibly create something better. I understand it's not guaranteed, but at least we tried everything before completely giving up on each other and our family.

I know he has done bad things to me but I truly love him and cannot picture our future apart.

Today we talked a little bit about our future and having some hope. I told him it was okay for him to feel hopeful and WANT our marriage to work. He agreed, but I don't know.. he still went out for st Patrick's day with his "bar friends" and spent 50 bucks on cases of beer.. and who knows what else..

Has anyone else dealt with their BS going out and being with other men/women? How did you cope? Did you end up working out?

I will do my absolute best to show him I am 100% committed to him.. I'm so depressed and anxious.. I wish I had a friend.

[This message edited by Scaredandconfused at 6:29 AM, Saturday, March 18th]

Scared, he is not R material as a bs or a ws, and he is both. Please see a therapist to find out why you would allow someone to treat you this way. You've both done wrong, but he continues to do wrong, and justifies it by saying you caused it. You can't cause him to do anything, he is making choices. He is not going to leave you, because you're where the money comes from. He's going to keep stringing you along. Please stop allowing him to do this. He has not intention of working, or helping you, he has no intention of stopping what he's doing, going out to bars, with money that he didn't earn, YOU did. Stop allowing him to spend money on bars. Stop allowing him to abuse you the way that he is. For your children's sake, get out of this toxic relationship. Is this what you want them to aspire to? Children do what they see. Please for their sake stop this cycle.

You can't reconcile without effort from both sides, and your husband is too saturated in entitlement and self-indulgence to make any significant attempt.

File for divorce so you can separate your finances from the mountain of debt he's accumulating. You owe your children a parent who puts their interests ahead of this toxic relationship.

Sorry Scared,
I agree with the majority. This is a toxic relationship and I think you’re better off going your separate ways. Get a fresh start for the sake of your children. THEY are the priority here - and they won’t be able to thrive in a healthy home in the middle of this toxic mess. Do it for them. Sorry you have to hear that but in light of what you’ve described - it seems like that’s the only viable option here. Wish you the best.

Honey, why do you want to stay with this guy? I would have been done after he abandoned you the first time…

He seems to be a serial cheater, and frankly has treated you extremely poorly.

Stop letting men control you. You also let your AP’s pushy behaviour occur.

Respect yourself. Stand up for your child and yourself.

You both deserve better.

He says it's different for him because he's a man and it's different if men cheat.

That is the biggest load of crap and I hope you don't believe that! Cheating is cheating! Period.

He's trying to manipulate you into "approving" his want to hurt you even more. It's disgusting and honestly, I agree with everyone else. This is an extremely toxic environment and the best course of action would be to remove you and your poor children from him.

I wish you the best.

There are some amazing people on this site. Caring, decent, giving people who are working really hard on themselves.

Many have given you caring advice. Please save yourself first and heal. There are therapists who are trained in trauma and abuse. Abandoning a mother post birth is abuse. The services are generally no cost including counseling. There are vet centers that offer no cost counseling to veterans to help them heal as well.

Once you heal as a mother, you can help your precious child/ children and break the cycle.

I have learned to believe my partners’ actions and act accordingly. The withdrawal I experienced from my spouse was heartbreaking. But I survived with support and help.

I learned I could not have a healthy relationship with someone who is not working on themselves, sober, not in active infidelity, and able to regulate their own emotions even when they were triggered. And I could not take responsibility for my spouse’s behavior. I did not cause him to cheat or abuse me.

Scared, he is not R material as a bs or a ws, and he is both. Please see a therapist to find out why you would allow someone to treat you this way.

Completely ^^^ This! He sounds very emotionally and psychologically abusive and wouldn't doubt he has a personality disorder. While you both did wrong cheating (I am also a madhatter and cheated for revenge) he sounds abhorrent in the way he has treated you. I would get into therapy and explore why you have allowed yourself to be abused in the M. I would also detach from your WS.

There is a better life for you without the stress and abuse. I don't see your WS changing and he is leeching off your ability to support everyone. Get yourself healthy and you will develop a new perspective of the situation you find yourself in.

but your H has cheated so much and been so emotionally abusive that it very much mitigates what you did.

I have to say I agree with this statement as well there is only so much a person can take before they break themselves

Scaredandconfused: (??)

Can't say any better than what others have posted - just "seconding" their assessment:

you say:

Our marriage was never perfect, but since the day I met my husband (high school) I've been head over heels for him. I could have never imagined doing the things I did to him or causing this pain- to him and our children. I have supported our family financially for a few years now, and it came to a point where he literally told me he has no intention to work and I will have to do it on my own. He didn't give me affection or love, and I will be completely honest because I need advice on how to hopefully salvage my marriage.. At times he was verbally and emotionally abusive. He has told me that he never really wanted to marry me and that it was only because he went into the army. He's told me that he can't wait to finally be able to leave me and find a better woman. Throughout our years together I've caught him talking with other women online, asking for naked photos, and with one woman he knew in his home country had a years long EA that I kept finding out about. I'd catch him he'd apologize and a year later I would catch him again.

hikingout says:

I think you are afraid of losing the fantasy version of your family.

and this by Tallgirl:

Honey, why do you want to stay with this guy? I would have been done after he abandoned you the first time…

He seems to be a serial cheater, and frankly has treated you extremely poorly.

Stop letting men control you. You also let your AP’s pushy behaviour occur.

Respect yourself. Stand up for your child and yourself.

You both deserve better.

Jeez - he says he is NOT going to work - as in/like you WILL support him. ????!!!

I would do two things - see a legal resource to begin planning a life you will enjoy living (after you get over failed marriage)
and see your physician regarding communicable diseases.