SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was almost total no contact with my BH since late September. This was what he wanted and I respected his wishes. There was one email from him proposing that we go through a mediator for our divorce and see if we could work things out without having to go to court. I agreed to this and we’ve gone back and forth trying to find a mediator.

He contacted me on Wednesday and I figured he had found someone. But he asked if I’d like to meet for lunch today. He didn’t really say why he wants to see me and I’m not going to dare to get my hopes up that he wants to reconcile. I know the damage I’ve done and that he may never be able to forgive or trust me again.

But I do want to see him again. I won’t lie he’s been on my mind constantly these past few months. I know it’s ridiculous sounding since I caused the drama but I do worry about him. I haven’t told anyone except for my sister who said she’s hoping against hope he wants to try and save our marriage. She has been such a rock for me. Our relationship was never great before all this. She always told me what a selfish spoiled brat I was but I never saw it. But the wonders therapy has worked for me! I know now that I HAVE been a spoiled brat most of my life.

So I’ll go into this lunch hoping for the best but bracing for the worst. And I’m hoping that I can apologize to him and this time it will be sincere. At first I was only worried for myself. What would family and friends think of me when they found out? That sort of thing. I have almost no thought to how badly he must have been hurt. I need to apologize to him for that too. Wish me luck.

Gently…..let the poor guy go. He’s gone through all this and come so far with NC (takes a lot of strength) and healing. Why start up again? Talk about selflessness.

You know there’s all kinds of great single women out there who would never cheat/betray someone they love…why can’t you hope he finds one and finds happiness? Maybe they’ve been betrayed themselves and know the pain he’s gone through.

There’s too many post on here from BSs who wake up 2,5,10 or 20+ years later who regret NOT moving on from the WS.

IMHO, if you love him…..let him go.

I think you are approaching this correctly OP.

Listen to what he has to say.

Don’t have any particular expectations. Apologize.

If he says he wants to consider reconciliation it’s okay to be honest about that too. Go slow. Protect his heart. Keep the drama low and the kindness High.

[This message edited by straightup at 8:16 PM, Saturday, February 4th]

Lost and Hoping. I don't post very often but I have been following your story. I'm a BS staying in a marriage which has continued past DD despite not resolving the core issues around her infidelity. My wife has an enormous capacity for compartmentalizing her issues; as long as we don't address the past, we get along well. So, given that, I'm no fountain of wisdom. I just want to say you've shown a lot of growth in your postings. I hope at the least you can communicate your empathy and remorse today. Regardless of the outcome of the meeting, expressing empathy, owning your past actions and gently showing how you're working on bettering yourself will go a long way toward helping him heal. This meeting could be about closure or about opening. You need to be receptive to both. Good luck.

Dang! Someone else stated my thinking:

Lost and Hoping. I don't post very often but I have been following your story. I'm a BS staying in a marriage which has continued past DD despite not resolving the core issues around her infidelity. My wife has an enormous capacity for compartmentalizing her issues; as long as we don't address the past, we get along well. So, given that, I'm no fountain of wisdom. I just want to say you've shown a lot of growth in your postings. I hope at the least you can communicate your empathy and remorse today. Regardless of the outcome of the meeting, expressing empathy, owning your past actions and gently showing how you're working on bettering yourself will go a long way toward helping him heal. This meeting could be about closure or about opening. You need to be receptive to both. Good luck.

Courage to take the worst you could have happen is the attitude to have. My hunch is he wants to explore "possibilities" and is screwing up his own courage to take a chance on getting hurt again should the possibility occur.

There is no one "playbook" for how to conduct a meeting as is your circumstance. Your life and his is forever changed and forever in your memory so keep that in mind. You both have to heal and swallow hard to move towards re-establishing a relationship.

Consider also the possibility that you do so - and later it blows up.

Life is a gamble anyway you go - so just be as prepared as one can for any possible outcome.

Wishing you luck.

LostAndHoping,

New member, long time lurker. I too have followed your thread for quite some time. Fingers crossed for a positive outcome for the two of you.

I hope it went well, LAH. Looking forward to hearing from you.

A reminder that the Reconciliation forum is a safe space for members who are working to rebuild their relationship with their WS/BS. If you cannot support that goal, please refrain from commenting.

I’ve said this before, that when you first posted I got the sense that you really didn’t understand the damage you caused to your BH and the pain you inflicted upon him. Instead, it was more about you. You also didn’t come across as empathetic, and I got the sense that you exhibited pride and ego. You have now self described that spoiled brat fits the bill.

If I got that sense, then I would have to assume that your BH felt that way as well. Now, I hear someone who seems to get it. I hope you are able to let this new you shine through when you meet in person - no defensiveness, blame shifting, false pride, etc. True remorse is when you care about the betrayed with no thought of your own pain, needs, desire to influence the outcome. You seem to now understand that.

Best of luck at lunch.

Hello all.

We went to lunch. I told my husband that I truly regret everything that I have put him through over the last two years. That he didn’t deserve what I put him through and that I hope that even if we are not together he can some day forgive me.

He accepted my apology and said he hopes I understand that forgiving isn’t his problem, it’s the forgetting part. He has a hard time with thoughts about my affair that creep into his mind from time to time. I told him whatever he wants to know I will tell him. I have already previously disclosed everything to him but if going over it again will help set his mind at ease I am willing to do it. At this point I want him to heal even if that means his healing process includes us not being together.

But he said something surprising to me. His sister (my former best friend) encouraged him to reach out to me. To see if there’s anything worth saving. He confided to her that he still has feelings for me. While she is rightfully angry with me she still encouraged him to contact me.

So we ate lunch and for a while just caught up with what we’ve been up to since September. His biggest news was he rescued not one but two German shepherd puppies. When I asked him why two he said because they are brothers and he could bear the thought of separating them. That kind of thing right there is what made me fall for him in the first place. I real reminder of the kind of guy he is. We talked about our jobs and our families.

Of course I had the usual rush of shame of how I’ve treated him. But I’ve learned they the only way I’m ever going to win him back is not by feeling sorry for myself and hoping for his sympathy. I have to concentrate on his feelings. I need to make him feel safe and the only way I can do that is by my actions.

So by the end of our lunch he said he’d like to see me again next weekend. I agreed with this and while there are a ton of questions in my mind I want to ask him I’m going to take this at his pace. I still am hoping for the best outcome, which I know could take years. Us being back together and trusting each other. I’m also ready if he decides that he can’t. He did hug me and kiss my cheek which is the first show of affection from him since D-Day which was in November of 2021.

Thank you for the update. Like you, I don’t want to read too much into this but I’m hopeful that this is one tiny step towards R.

I will continue to root for you both.

What an encouraging and hopeful update.

Good luck next weekend.

Show him this site. The BH here can help him with his healing process.

A very encouraging update. It sounds like your BH is experiencing mind movies of you and AP having sex.

Have you discussed the sexual details with him? Has he asked? If he hasn’t asked, you may want to proactively ask him if he would like to talk about it.

it’s the forgetting part.

Is he in therapy himself? One of the things I would add is that you never forget, but I can think I can say this and the group would generally back me up, there comes a time where it isn't omnipresent in your life. Some equate it to a scar from a nasty cut or surgery. I had a painful surgery on my wrist when I was 19 and scar is still there from when it healed up and the pins were taken out. I from time to time will feel discomfort in that wrist but it is generally just a good as the non-repaired wrist. I thought of it a lot the first few months to a year after surgery but after 19 years its just a part of me.

If DDay was Nov 2021, you are just a few months over a year out. You've been out of his life for the most part since September and it is now February and from your posts, there has been growth on you part and the time apart may also have been good for him.

His sister (my former best friend) encouraged him to reach out to me. To see if there’s anything worth saving. He confided to her that he still has feelings for me. While she is rightfully angry with me she still encouraged him to contact me.

Obviously, I understand that you want your BH back in your life and if that happens, that means his sister is back in your life, at least in some fashion. My experience is that family will tend to take cues from the BS, if your BH is back with you, his family will generally be in support of his decision. Also, read between the lines a little bit here, she did a little advocating for you with her brother, who you hurt tremendously, so she may be a better and closer friend to you than you realize.

I mean, just now I was thinking of my best friend and a hypothetical that I was married to his sister (he is the baby and his sister is almost a decade older than us and was never my type lol)...he is the only other person (outside of my wife) who I can say knows me a very deep level and I'm not sure he would ever do something similar. A strange hypothetical, but it was what I thought of when you mentioned that she encouraged him to reach out.

My point is that taking it slow is the right approach, staying focused on your goal of continued growth and being attentive to him and his feelings are important. If there comes a point where you and him begin to reconcile and it goes the way you hope, you are going to have to make a plan for how you are going to repair your friendship and realize that it may never be what it once was, but you would be family forever, so you will want to be able to at least get along.

That is so nice to hear. I know when I lost my S.O. At the time to my best friend. It was a very long three or four months in pain I never knew existed. The person you loved never existed, so the person you became, never existed either. You are just dead pray it is a bad dream. Praying that someone did not just throw out everything you were, everything you became, and all the emotions of your soul for a cheap thrill. Over twenty years later, I still am in pain usually once a day over it. I have been married for nineteen years now to someone new who I thought was my world. She had an emotional affair on me. Although we have a kid, and commitment and a life. It still did not break me as hard as the first time. I guess it might be because we are together, and she stopped being WW.(or hides it very well because from D day forward there will always be doubt.) though I think the main reason is I did not receive a proper apology. I never thought the first girlfriend ever took the time to recognize what she did to me. She put me in an emotional wheelchair for life, and saying sorry, is not really enough. Being their and doing the heavy lifting because the other is injured, and realizing things will never be O.K for them is a huge burden. He is not going to love you. Not the way he used to. He is in love with a ghost of someone he used to know. So if you decide to take him back, just remember what it is. It is not a life many would want. It can be good, but just remember there will always be scars. If you do not think you can handle that….then please let him go before you drive another spike in him. If you do think you can handle it… I wish you all the best. You seem like a person who is willing to take responsibility for what they do. That makes you a rare commodity in a cruel world. I think no matter what happens you should be proud of that. You now know not to play with other people’s hearts. A lot of people never figure that out.

Good news!

I hope your husband has been working on himself. Reading and, perhaps, seeing a counselor experienced in infidelity and trauma.

The comment about forgetting is an alarm! Husband has to realize what has occurred is forever a part of his life no matter how life is lived going forward. HE has to make peace with what has transpired.

I think the best thing you can to is empathize and not blame shift or anything remotely similar when "he ends up in that dark place."

Read "Not Just Friends" and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" once a month so that the path you need to follow becomes your way of life going forward.

Don't put any stock in the common mantra of "It takes 2-5 years to heal." Some never 'get over it' and some will carry the pain many more years - often decades. Something you ought to consider as his personality will be affected and also the way he relates to you. Trust will never be the same.

So, you have a long and difficult path to travel. Wonderful you two are agreeing to see where further meetings can lead!

Wish you good things

LAH, if I recall your story correctly, you belittled your BH to your AP by making fun of his PTSD. This always suggested to me that your A had elements to it that are outside of what we usually read about here. I know you've spent a lot of time working on yourself, but if he knows this, how do you intend to convince him you can be a safe partner on multiple levels?

It sounds like a lovely lunch, LAH. A step towards healing for both of you, no matter what the eventual verdict on reconciliation may be.

Show him this site. The BH here can help him with his healing process.

I think it might be a good idea to keep this space for yourself.

This comment is regarding the suggestion to have the poster steer her betrayed husband to this site.

Respectfully, as a betrayed husband, it is ironically the wayward wives here that have done more good for me than the other betrayed husbands. Many of wayward wives here were able to unknowingly confirm so much of what my own wayward wife was telling me in terms of motive, regret, shame, and so on. These anonymous women with no reason to lie to me were, strangely, able to breathe some veracity into some of the things I doubted when my own wife said them. It was comforting to know that at least her story could be true because it rang true against the tapestry of wayward wives' stories here.

Frankly, some of the betrayed husbands here are proselytizing members of the "Burn the Witch" club and they tended to inflame resentment in me more than help me. Comments about a poster's wife's affair like where the other man's DNA was, how lustful the cheating wife was for the other man, questioning paternity of adult children in the context of a recent affair, it was all just unhelpful. These were not comments about their own wives, but about every other betrayed husbands' wives, as if they could know. It was vicarious cuckold porn when I needed that less than I needed a big new hole in my head.

Your mileage may vary.