SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Has this happened to you since you discovered the affair?

I went from being oblivious to my WH cheating or even thinking it was possible to believing he could be cheating in the most ridiculous scenarios.

For example:
I’m traveling with him on a business trip. He’s really busy but I am still checking his location which is in the same hotel I’m in but now I’m thinking he could be meeting people in their rooms to have sex or that he could very well have the AP in a hotel room somewhere so I’m
Constantly video chatting.

Being betrayed is a mindf*#k

Here's the thing. Unless you are going to be attached to him (like within eyesight) 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year for every day for the rest of your life; unless you're going to do that, you can't be sure he won't cheat again. Sucks, but it's true. If they are bound and determined to cheat, there is precious little you can do to prevent that because they will find a way to do it no matter what controls you put in place.

So what to do? This seems counterintuitive, but you stop being attached to them 24/7/365. You focus on YOU. You develop your own hobbies and joys and interests and friends that are completely separate from your ws. Because the truth of it is that you CANNOT control him - you can only control YOU.

I have been following your posts and it just seems to me like you are desperate to control him and to make sure he's not up to any shenanigans. I totally get that feeling cus I had it too, but it's just not healthy for you IMHO. You are soooo hyper-focused on him and what he's doing that you aren't putting any of that energy into you, and I think that you need that energy way more than he does at the moment. And being the marriage police 24 hours a day forever is just not reasonable. I mean, how can you have a life for yourself if your entire life is focused on him? Just food for thought.

Oh hell yeah!!!

You mean my wife? The one who went to bible study? The one who went to church every Sunday and would post bible quotes on FB?

My therapist said it best: Cheaters come in all shapes and sizes. Yours just went to bible study.

In my case, I know I'll never ever trust her 100% ever again. Hell, I don't think I'll ever trust another relationship 100% again. But all my snooping years later showed nothing new - this slowly over time rebuilt a semblance of trust.

I think you're still raw to this. I remember feeling the same way when I first found out. I'm 7 years out and things are much better.

Others will be around to give you more sage advice.

At 3 years out, some of hyper vigilance should have subsided.

You've said he's doing the work. What EXACTLY is that work? What exactly is he doing?

Yeah it's a mind fuck.

And at some point along the way I realized hypervigilance only gives the illusion of security.

Knowing all passwords - only shows the activity on accounts/profiles you know of

Checking phone logs - only shows the device you know about

Location trackers - only track the location of where the [truck, phone, etc.] is - not the person

Video chats/screenshots - only shows what's in the frame, not what's outside of it

I could go on.

Now don't get me wrong, I still [when the triggers hit hard] check. But this is more in the Trust but Verify vein. It doesn't happen often.

I did a lot of the above after DDay1. And was oblivious that they'd gone underground until one of them got sloppy and used the wrong account - then I happened to log on in the 5 min window before it was realized. Then I blew that shit to kingdom come.

What changed was ME. MY attitude. MY knowing MY self worth.

I have no interest in being a warden, parent or parole officer. Nor do I have an interest in having a 2 legged pet that I keep on a leash.

After years [and much IC for both of us] - I can say the Land of Chaos is a good place.

I can relate.

I was so blindsided by it all that I felt like I had no idea who my husband was and what he was capable of for a while. Like, yeah, that sounds crazy, but I mean, if you had asked me if he could possibly cheat on me pre-d-day I would have thought THAT was crazy too. Part of me wasn't sure if he could possibly be a sociopathic liar for a while. I don't know if I've shared htis before, but I had been in the process of upping my life insurance policy prior to D-day because we were trying to get pregnant. I put off doing it for almost an entire year afterwards because part of me was scared it would give him motive to kill me (anyone who watches as much true crime as I do, knowns that a cheating husband will often kill their wife to be with their AP). It sounds absolutely insane now, but the whole thing was so out of character for him and I really truly believed I knew him better than anyone. Being unable to trust myself or my own judgment was possibly the most crazy-making part of it all.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 6:06 PM, Friday, February 3rd]

This one is hard for me to answer because I have a comical history of gullibility, but believed 100% that my husband and I had an unbreakable bond, that we always had each others backs no matter what and that I could trust him completely. I always said I never believed in much of anything but my currency would state In WH I Trust. We had it all, according to everyone, the most enviable of marriages. I was unwavering in my deep love and trust for decades. Could not conceive of him cheating, despite almost comical evidence that he was in hindsight, and once I found the shocking evidence, I could not conceive that he would continue to deceive me, which is also comical in hindsight.

But to answer your question, Yes. I am mindf*#ded completely and don't think I can ever truly let my guard down again. I think humans are capable of defying all logic now. I don't think he is capable of murder but I don't think I can ever know him or anyone else again. I told him that once the unthinkable has happened to me, that anything is possible. That is a hard feeling to shake.

It sucks, and I'm not sure what the answer is, except for a few girlfriends and a couple of sweet dogs who have never hurt me for selfish reasons and seem to truly love and care for me without the ability to do awful things to me at the same time. When your WH tells you they have always loved you, it makes you question what that even means now too.

The only way I let go of the anxiety of the whatifs, besides covid closeness, was letting go of needing to believe in him for my world to make sense, and letting go of the outcome and living in the moment, if that makes sense. Good luck finding your way forward.

HellFire-

Went to IC for 6 months
Went to MC
I have passwords
I had work vm passcode that he didn’t know I had that I checked daily (never found anything)

Secretly had a recording device in his bag whenever he went to work for months nothing (it was found)

Passwords to vm and access to financials

iOS iCloud pw that he doesn’t know I have so I can see all apps hidden and otherwise

When he went back to office 3 days a week he doesn’t leave the office for lunch unless it’s with me so he stays inside from when I drop him off till I pick him up

I can see him on tracker and I’m case he leaves his phone and tries to leave I call him on Face time to make sure he’s in the office

He provides his itinerary in advance of travel and purchases my tickets for the duration when possible.

If I’m triggered by a tv show he stops watching it.

What he’s still working on is trying not to get as upset when I tell him about my triggers. He gets upset and tries to answer everything but clearly he has an attitude. I told him that when he’s not in control of his emotions he’s in wayward mode.

I don’t expect perfection- but I need him to control his anger when I’m triggered. He says I have dates associated with the affair that he doesn’t even have.

I found that constant vigilance made things worse for me. It stalled my healing. It made me consumed with HIM and his whereabouts.

When I finally put myself first — I learned two things. One - I was calmer and happier.

And two, If I suspected he was cheating again, it’s instant D. And he knows that.

I have no worries. Because I stood up to him in dday2.

Ok, that's kinda what I thought.

He tells you where he's going to be..he doesn't go out to lunch..and he barely went to IC. He stops watching shows if you trigger,but from what you posted, it's because HE doesn't want to deal with your emotions.

You tracking him is not his work.

Also..you tracking him gives you a very false sense of security,when a burner phone is a possibility.

He gets angry and defensive,still,after 3 years..both of which indicate lack of remorse and empathy.

You are hypervigilant because he's not doing the work. He's not become a safe partner. Being a safe partner involves a lot more than handing over some passwords,changing a channel,and taking your wife on trips if she can go.

Why did he only go to IC for 6 months?

What are his "whys"?

If he had done the work to become a safe partner, and was truly remorseful, you wouldn't feel the need to still be tracking him.

Did he answer all of your questions?

Was he tested for stds?

Did he go NC with OW?

Was his affair with a coworker?

Hell Fire-

He went NC. She was not a co worker. She worked in the same building at a different company they met at the gym. STDS testing was done by us both.

I actually don’t agree with your assessment that he isn’t doing the work.

I’ve seen a change in him. I’ve seen lots of changes in him.

To be honest I stopped IC too because it didn’t seem to be doing anything really. We unfortunately did marriage counseling immediately which was disastrous.

I am going to suggest MC again so so we can discuss our feelings in a more productive way.

He gave his whys overtime because I don’t think he really understood his whys initially. Also he takes full ownership the affair and doesn’t blame me or blame shit which happened a little bit when he had to give me some answers.

Maybe you can describe what you consider "the work"

And by the way——I will NEVER feel like I can relax and feel safe ever again- no matter what he does.

[This message edited by Howcthappen at 3:52 PM, Saturday, February 4th]

And by the way——I will NEVER feel like I can relax and feel safe ever again- no matter what he does.

I definitely spent two full YEARS feeling the exact same way.

Two things developed along the way, and I am as relaxed and safe as ever now.

One, I rediscovered and fully embraced me, my value and what I need from life, from ANY relationship I'm in and set those hard boundaries that fulfill those needs. In other words, I knew what I wanted and needed to stay and if it didn't happen, I KNOW I'm good with or without the marriage. I finally understood what letting go of the outcome -- what that advice here really meant.

Two. My wife simply kept showing me she was all in on our relationship, and her consistent actions over time allowed me to start believing in her effort and her work. It takes a while and it SHOULD take a while. Our first instinct should be NOT to trust anything. But, some WS do take the opportunity to become a better, safer, partner than they were.

I'm at nearly 7-years after dday- and while I started to feel a tiny bit hopeful in year 3, it wasn't until the last 24-months where I could say I found a level of calm I didn't think I would ever achieve.

That's me though, we all heal at our own pace.

However, I have found if both partners are committed to the rebuild, there is a chance you will eventually find some level of safety along the way.

Oldwounds, thank you for that post. It's nice to know what is possible and to manage the expectations time-wise.

[This message edited by whatisloveanyway at 5:27 PM, Saturday, February 4th]

It is a mindfuck

Your name says it all- how could this have happened?

Your profile says you had a setback with NC violation, so of course you are extra cautious.

I was a detective for a year. I too had a NC violation, so I felt I had to work extra hard. My fear was she would leave and take the kids. I was actually ok with letting her go, but not the kids.

I stayed, and it was my choice. I did not have much love from her, but my kids loved me, and that was enough.

After 24 years from DD, I am recently in R. (Talk about a long journey). I am also scared. I am vulnerable to her, she could really hurt me all over again. But I have been brave, and come thru the worst thing a marriage can have happen.

I know how you feel, and you are scared to open up to him again. You would be deranged if you were not scared.

However, to get this far, you are very brave. You also have a choice, and that choice is always open to you.

You are a strong woman, and you will make the best decision for yourself. R is right for some, D for others. My choice of a long limbo is a sucky one, but it is available too(I really don’t recommend it).

I really wish you the best.

At 3.5 years I can say for me personally R is going well. But, I will never be able to forget what she is capable of. There is nothing she can do to change that. I’m not playing M police but I can never believe it won’t happen again.