SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm not sure where to start.
Been lurking here for a couple weeks since my I found out about my wives infidelity. This is our second dday.

I'm 33 and she's 34. We met in 2014, she was my first love. I've dated other people before but I felt like she was the one. I got out of the military and We got married in 2016. Things seem to be going well, or so I thought. I found a job in 2017 and was put into the graveyard shift almost straight away, not my choice but we needed the money.

Now fast forward to Nov 2019, one night she seemed depressed so I went to talk to her and she confessed that she had a 1 year affair with one of her friends, I had my suspicions, she would hang out with him a lot alone and come home drunk.
I asked if anything was going on but she told me "he's just a friend going throug a rough time" I wanted to trust her and could not imagine she would do that so I believed her. By the time she confessed she said the affair had been over for a few months. I was devastated, asked her to cut all contact and to the best of my knowledge she did. We decided to work on things, I asked her about details and she was forthcoming with the info. She seemed truly remorseful and to want to fix this situation.

Shortly after this, the pandemic happened and I was laid off. She was teaching from home. I was depressed about the A, about losing my job.
Now I have a lot of issues aswell, I'm no saint. I'm very lazy and have to be asked to pick up after myself and take care of general chores, this was a major point of contention in our relationship. I would try to do better but would fall off eventually.
I found a new job in march 2020, was in the day shift at first and things seemed great, we were able to see each other and were generally happy, or so I thought.

After a few months I was forced Into the night shift again. I was nervous about this because of the last time but I wanted to move forward and start trusting her again. She was drinking a lot, she was struggling at work, she'd been going on like 3 years without an assistant and was feeling overwhelmed. At the beginning of the school year she finally got an assistant, a 21 year old dude. She seemed happy to finally have help and I was happy for her.

Now this kid didnt have a car and lived with his parents, so she would pick him up and drop him off at home at the end of the work day. Apparently he had a lot of trouble with his parents so she said she felt sorry for his home situation. She started spending time with him, now I'm uncomfortable but I didn't think she would hook up with what I basically saw as a troubled kid. He even came to my house once and shook his hand. I again voiced my concerns and again she said nothing was happening.

A few weeks ago, it's been crazy so I can't remember the exact dates, she told me that she thought she wanted a divorce. She said that I wasn't fixing my issues that I still needed to be told to do everything and that she didnt think I would change. We talked again, I asked if there was anyone else, she says no. I promised to work on my issues and I was trying, doing everything without being told, being proactive. A week after that i come home from work at 10pm and she's not home. I start to get worried and call her, she's not picking up, I'm thinking something happened to her. She finally calls me back, and tells me she's on the way home. She gets home drunk, I again asked her if anything was going on and she says no.
I had a nagging feeling, so I did something I've never done before, I looked through her phone. I opened the messeges and there they were. I had to do a double take because I thought I was looking at my own texts. There were "I love you" "I miss you" all that stuff. My body went cold and I woke her up. She didn't try to deny it, says it's been going on for 2 months and she says she cares about him. I'm in true disbelief, maybe I'm an idiot but despite this happening before I just could not believe it.
She agrees to break up with him, I listen in the call, I talk to him and he threatens to kick my ass if he ever sees me.

The next day I'm a wreck so I call off work. Then she comes in and tells me that she thought about it and that she wants a divorce after all, that she doesn't want to hurt me anymore, that we're not compatible, that she doesn't feel seen. I break down, I'm not proud of this but I basically beg her to reconsider and to go MC, she refuses. I later see her calling her AP to make sure he wasn't gonna quit.

At this point I call my family, and I leave to stay with my mother for Christmas 4 hours away. It was an awful Christmas. Even being surrounded by family I felt alone and missed her. Now I'm back in town and staying with my brother and his family. She's still firm that she wants a D so I guess that's it. I'm moving my stuff out of the house(it belongs to her dad)and I'm temporarily moving in with my brother.

I still want her back despite all this, I couldn't imagine a life without her. She was my best friend. I don't know how I can keep going. I feel broken.
I feel like I'm going crazy.

Very sorry you find yourself here. Read in the healing library. Take care of yourself. Eat healthy. Exercise. You will get through this. Your WW has shown you who she is by her actions. She is a serial cheater. You deserve better. None of your bad habits caused your WW to cheat. You can’t control her or force her to cheat. She cheated because she wanted to do it. It had nothing to do with you.

You’ve been doing the pick me dance. It never works. You can’t nice her back. The best thing you can do is to work on your own self esteem. Get stronger for you. I would advise getting into IC to help you resolve your self esteem issues. Always value yourself. You deserve a faithful and loving partner. Your WW does not currently meet your requirements. Let her go.

Get tested for STD’s. See an attorney and if it were me I would file for D as soon as possible. Importantly, go no contact with her. Do not engage or argue with her. She will only take the opportunity to hurt you. Only communicate by email and only about finances or D matters. Good luck.

I’m so sorry you are in this situation. Please get yourself some professional counseling. It can help you in so many ways.

Your marriage didn’t fail b/c she had to ask you to clean up your stuff or b/c you worked the night shift. Your marriage was in trouble b/c your wife chose to cheat. Period.

It may be that your wife will always choose to cheat. Her issues are whatever they are, but she didn’t cheat because of anything you did or didn’t do. She cheated in spite of you.

Thank you for the kind words. We are mostly communicating about separation stuff. After reading through several post I see now that I am doing the pick me dance.

I haven't gotten tested for STI's but I probably should since she admitted she had unprotected contact. I am currently in IC, I do have very low self esteem, that has contributed to a lot of my problems but this has woke me up to the fact that I need to start loving me. I just don't know how to do that, guess the IC could help me with that.

We don't have any kids or common property. Separate bank accounts. So the divorce should be easy. Only thing we have together are our pets, which I love dearly. It probably sounds silly to you guys that have kids but I don't think I can abandon them. We agreed to split them but I will always be there for those dogs and cats.

Is that stupid? I'm clouded by all kinds of emotions right now so i don't know if that sounds unreasonable.

I'm so sorry that she has done this to you. You deserve so much better.

Hopefully you've read the advice here against doing the "pick me" dance. Your WW is not cheating because of anything you have done. She hasn't repeatedly cheated because you don't pick up after yourself. She is cheating because of something defective in her.

There's nothing about you that you can change or improve to "win her back." Trying to do that just makes you seem weak and allows your WW to continue her hurtful, destructive behaviors at your expense. You can never win at that game. Even if she comes back you'll always wonder whether she came back because she wanted you or she simply couldn't stomach her alternatives.

Unfortunately your WW was never truly remorseful for her first A. If she was she would have done some deep soul searching to figure out what was wrong with her that allowed her to betray the person she supposedly loved the first time. She would have come to understand and hopefully correct those behaviors. But it doesn't sound like anything really changed other than her promising that it wouldn't happen again. Did she do any kind of individual counseling (IC) following the first A?

Forget about MC for now. MC may be helpful when two people are committed to working on a marriage to make it better. What you have right now is not a marriage. It's you wishing for a marriage while she does whatever the hell she thinks will make her happy. But her latest AP isn't going to make her happy any more than her drinking makes her happy.

I'm all for attempts to R, but I believe that when a WS says that they want a divorce the BS should take them at their word and give it to them. Begging them to stay only justifies their behavior. Buying into their blame-shifting only enables them to never really fix what is wrong with them.

If you have not already, read up on the 180 from the Healing Library and go hard NC. Stop begging for R and consider what your requirements for R would be if she should start to come to her senses when she gets a taste of life without you. It should start with her getting into IC to figure out what the hell is wrong with her. It should probably include a timeline with the details of ALL her As (don't assume there have only been two). It should probably include significant changes to her relationships with other men and significant changes to her drinking behavior.

Stop beating yourself up over this. It's not your fault. You have been busting your ass working third shift while she acts like her life is a living hell because she doesn't have an "assistant" and you don't pick up around the house.

Focus on taking care of yourself. Get into IC and work on developing a better sense of your own purpose and self-worth. I know what it feels like to have your "true love" kick you in the teeth and keep coming back for more. You may think that she is "the one" for you because you've built your whole life and purpose around your relationship with her. But she is not "the one" she's just someone. Yes, someone you met and fell in love with and have wonderful memories with. And that was wonderful once upon a time.

But now she's not the person you thought you married. Maybe she never was. And she's repeatedly abusing you and blaming it on you. You need to know that if you move on that there are thousands of other potential someones out there for you. Trust that you will meet one and fall in love again. And hopefully the next time they will be someone who will not betray you.

[This message edited by Seeking2Forgive at 6:04 AM, Saturday, December 31st]

I’m sorry you are going through this. No you aren’t stupid, she has ripped your life and M away from you. She is broken and trying to fix herself with external validation. As hard as this will be you have to 180, that simply means turn and head the other way. You must go no contact NC.

See an attorney and get the ball rolling, she wants out, well that’s your only option at this point. Take care of yourself, it doesn’t feel like it but you will survive this.

We don't have any kids or common property. Separate bank accounts. So the divorce should be easy. Only thing we have together are our pets, which I love dearly. It probably sounds silly to you guys that have kids but I don't think I can abandon them. We agreed to split them but I will always be there for those dogs and cats.

Is that stupid? I'm clouded by all kinds of emotions right now so i don't know if that sounds unreasonable.

No, there is nothing stupid about anything that you're feeling. You're going through a significant trauma and you're operating mostly on instinct. Many of us here have had the exact same thoughts and feelings that you're experiencing right now. We made it through and are happy again. You can be, too.

As a pet lover, I know exactly how you're feeling. We had two dogs at the time of my W's A and thinking about splitting them up was killing me. You wouldn't be abandoning your pets. Obviously you would keep them all if you could and she would allow it. But you'll work out some arrangement and pets are extremely adaptable.

Seeking2Forgive

No she did not do any IC following the first A. Looking back we both should have. I have been reading up on the 180, it does seem hard but I'll give it my best shot. I've been looking into getting into some fitness class to get my mind off things.

Tanner

I will try to go NC we're still communicating through text but I should move it to email only. Seeing her name in my contacts does kinda hurt still.

Don't beat yourself up for what she did. The fact that she chose a 21 year old guy who earns way less than her and, I doubt, he is ready to do all household chores for her, says it all that her cheating on you has nothing to do with your job or your laziness to do household chores. Also he threatened to 'kick your ass if he sees you again ' in front of your wife and she did nothing to defend you against him. That tells you how much she respects you. Why would you want to be with her?
If genders were swapped and you were the hard working one and she was the lazy one, would you cheat on her repeatedly?? You are young and don't have kids. You are in lot better situation than many of people here on their dday.. Take this experience and situation as an opportunity to become a better person. Work on your self esteem.
Give her divorce. Let her live in her fantasy. She gave up the opportunity to become a better person by leaving you for him (he is just kid). She lost. Now you don't do the same thing. Don't give up this opportunity. Good luck to you, sir. I am positive you will come out of this mess with a happy soul.

You didn't mention kids so I'll assume there are none.

And with that in mind, bullet dodged, brother.

You are still young and have a lot of life left to live. Ii know you can't see this now, but in a year, maybe 18 months, you'll look back on this as her OM doing you a favor in freeing you from her.

You will find a real wife and you'll be happier than you ever have been. Took me 16 months after I booted my cheater out of the house to find my real wife, so be patient.

In the meantime, Five into hobbies that you stopped doing after you met her, reconnect with old friends and extended family, and just enjoy life.

Most importantly, when the time comes that she wants to come back, DON'T DO IT! Think of her as a leech that will drain you off your life force, and stay away.

When it comes to communicating with her, just go gray rock on her.

You will get through this.

The 180 and especially NC is to protect yourself from her infidelity. She is headed down a dead end with kid living at home. Her judgment is destructive and you need to get off this ride.

She will try to keep contact with you, you are her back up plan and when things don’t work out with AP, you are living a successful confident life, she will be envious and want back in. NC will establish that separation. You have been granted a second chance here take it and run with it.

[This message edited by Tanner at 3:01 PM, Saturday, December 31st]

I'm writing to suggest you get evaluated by a psychiatrist for ADHD. There's just something in the way you write that makes me think you may be (not that you are) ADD or ADHD.

You may be easily distracted, not lazy.

Again, I'm not diagnosing; I'm recommending that you check with someone qualified.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:30 PM, Saturday, December 31st]

Now I have a lot of issues aswell, I'm no saint. I'm very lazy and have to be asked to pick up after myself and take care of general chores, this was a major point of contention in our relationship. I would try to do better but would fall off eventually.

It's really a natural reaction to get bogged down in our own faults and blame ourselves when we're cheated on, and even though it happens to almost all of us, it's NOT the truth. Cheaters cheat become of them, not because of us. Infidelity happens in every kind of relationship. It happens when there are problems and it happens when there are none. It happens when there's plenty of good sex, when it's the cheater who's not carrying her weight, when there's no indication at all that something is off. Cheating is about the cheater. The sooner you let go of whatever blame you're putting on yourself and accept that it was all about her, always all about her, the sooner you will start feeling better.

Cheating is never a legitimate reaction to a relationship problem. It's so much deeper than that. It's about character. It's about the relationship one has with their own values system. It's about integrity. If Fidelity is at your core, if it's what you value, you don't simply toss it aside when you're out of sorts. We protect what we value. If Fidelity was at her core, nothing you ever said, nothing you ever did, could MAKE her cheat. It comes from within her, and as you can see by the last time she cheated on you, she refuses to dig deep and figure out why it's become an acceptable strategy for her.

Some people never really grow up, and while I do believe that change can happen for anyone, they have to really WANT that change. They have to want it more than anything because it's a humbling and painful process, a process that no one else can accomplish FOR them. People will say that you're been "given a gift" or "missed a bullet" and that sounds so flippant on the surface, but imagine spending decades of your life, investing all that you have and all that you are, and instead of splitting time with pets, splitting time with children and living on half of what you earn. THAT's the future you'll be missing with an unrepentant cheater.

It hurts right now. None of us are so old that we don't remember young love. But you WILL be alright. Count on that. We're all living proof that time moves on and we move on with it. You asked HOW to start loving yourself and that starts with CARE. You take care of yourself. You invest in yourself. There's a book called, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson which might do you good. In it, she discusses some of the brain science which makes this kind of abandonment so difficult, but also reminds us that we are hard-wired to bond and to fear abandonment by our primary person. I found that once I understood the mechanics of what was happening to me, I was so much better equipped to deal with it.

Pay attention to Sissoon. I have ADHD and it took some looking but I found a job that fits my personality and my needs. The most important thing you need to understand is there’s nothing wrong with you. There are too many of us with it for it to be a disorder. It’s just how our brains work. I get bored easily and distracted easily but I’ve managed to do a wonderful job at my job and I have kids who love me and a husband who loves me. I’ve kept the same friends all of my life so I must be doing something right.

It’s probably people with ADHD who got the world covered with people. We are the ones that set out on the trek to see what was over the next hill. We are nosy, curious, happy go lucky, and we forgive easily. We are the best of all of us because we are able to, given the opportunity, make the world a better place. Get yourself a therapist and work on your self-esteem. Fortunately for me I lived in a very safe neighborhood with parents who left me alone to go do my thing and so I did not get browbeaten into what was wrong with me. There was nothing wrong with me I just don’t sit still all day like other people day I have to move around and look around and be around.

Go find your place in the world. Once you’ve settled your self-esteem issues go find someone who has the same values as you. Go find some joy in your life. It’s your one life and you need to get as much out of it as you can and that means looking for happiness.

BrokenMechanic, So sorry this has happened to you. You have found your way to a place that will help you recover and get to a better place. The good news is your WW has shown you who she is. You no longer have to wonder if and when she will betray you again. Stay completely committed to yourself. Take care of yourself with diet, exercise & sleep. The IC will help. If you’re like most of us you’ll find the new stronger you in 2 years from D-Day. Keep coming here for some great advice.

Divide up the pets,and go completely NC with her. File for divorce, and let the lawyers do the communication.

She chose a 21 year old kid,over a full grown man. And he's her assistant? Sounds like a violation of her contract. I'm sure HR would have a problem with this. I'd tell them after the divorce.

This man who has been having sex with YOUR WIFE, threatened to kick YOUR ass? Wow. Just wow.

There is nothing wrong im anything you say you fell at the moment. Perfectly understandable.

I get the pet concern. If I were you I would try to get them both with me. They are Family indeed when we commit to them. And they are forever loyal - something spouses many times aren't - as many of us, including you now - unfortunately realise.

She is playing you, she did it twice now, and although she says she wants a D, she still limbo dances on the idea, afraid she might "loose the cake while eating it". You do seem to have some dependency issues you need to address. And the "pick me dance" never helps. Standing YOUR ground does. IC may be of great help there. You need to realise that you have value. And that you have a life behound this - at the moment - toxic relationship. She decided to cheat on you - again. After you gave her the benefit of the doubt once. She did it with a 21 year old which isn't even a man yet. A "best friend" does not do that. We create in our heads this perfect image of our spouses, and when reality hits all comes crumbling down... Take it for what it is. A life lesson. She showing you who she really is as a blessing. No kids, no shared accounts. Let her go live her fantasy life and you go live the life you deserve along side someone you deserve and who deserves you back - far away from infidelity.

You will get there. Guaranteed. You only have to stand your ground . Be truthful to your core morals and value yourself. You are worth it. You are YOU even without her by your side. You do not need anyone but YOU to live YOUR life. You are even better of without a cheater by your side. She decided to disrespect you - twice - one does not allow a third chance for someone like that. "Wanting her back" after this repeated betrayal needs to be a thought out of your equation values. You DESERVE better than that. Go find your peace and happiness. One should not have to live a miserable life always considering if one's partner is faithfull or not.

This is the only way forward and out of infidelity. Whatever comes from it comes from it. Point is: YOU STOP being disrespected and START living for YOU. And you'll start sleeping in Peace. Love and Happiness WILL follow.

All the best to you.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 4:07 AM, Sunday, January 1st]

You have to be told to do the dishes or take out the trash so that justifies her sleeping with other men? You know that is all bull shit.Cheaters will use anything to justify their actions.

Get out now. You are still young and have the world at your fingertips. My WW showed me these same traits before we had children many years ago. I often wonder how life would have turned out had I had the guts to cut her out all those years ago. Don’t get stuck were I’m at. You deserve better.

The fact that she chose a 21 year old guy who earns way less than her and, I doubt, he is ready to do all household chores for her, says it all that her cheating on you has nothing to do with your job or your laziness to do household chores.

Let's take a look at this "prize" of a woman

*Emotionally immature
*Often drinks and makes bad decisions
*Is a serial cheater
*Is currently having an affair with her assistant..not so sure how that's going to look when it comes out
*At some point will have to support said AP should he move in, he'll eventually want his freedom to hang out and do stuff with his friends, will that cause friction?

Basically she's a dumpster fire, and you've been burned more than one.

The only person who might love you less than her is you (respectfully)

Time to start investing in yourself, it's a new year. She is not the one, and absolutely not worth the chances you keep giving her.

What feels like an L now is absolutely a golden chance which you must grab.

Be the mature one of the two. Her acting like a 18 year old will catch up eventually, it's unsustainable, just put enough distance between you to be out of range when she finally crashes.

Dear Brocken

We have all been where you are; the pain is so deep, but as others great minds on SI have said. NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT!

Now you must take care of yourself, meaning eat, sleep and drink water. Get some exercise. Do not let this put you in a hospital bed or take too much of your mental health.

My Man you are in the absolute prime of your life at 33, get free of her, find the job (Mechanic?) you love hopefully on first shift.

In a couple years you will be in a much better place and glad she wanted a divorce. Do not go for strike three.

Good Luck on your life's journey.
Much love and a big ((HUG))
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