SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Been a long time since I was last here, 8 years to be exact. 8 years of false R. WH had a PA with a coworker back in fall of 2014, it was absolute hell, lots of TT, they went underground until caught again, the usual story, until he finally "saw the light" and realized the error of his ways. (Yeah, right). Worked hard (at least it looked like it from the surface) to regain my trust, be transparent, and do all the "right" things to save our marriage and family. He went back to school, got a degree, got a better job, we bought a house, our life and relationship was the best it’s ever been in 15 years of marriage, or so I thought.

We got our first cell phones in late May after he had a car accident over the winter and wasn’t able to call me. A few weeks ago, I noticed subtle changes in him, not enough to really be glaring, but enough to peak my BS spidey senses. I chose to just observe and pay a little closer attention. Two days ago, I checked our cell phone accounts to see how we were doing on minutes… in two months, he had used 600 minutes, but only 60 of them were in the recent call log. Huh. I confronted him and asked him why. First I got, "I have no idea what’s going on or why all those minutes are gone, must be an error." Then I got "Well, I do use it for work to call people with questions". Then I got "Well, I am friendly with some of the ladies I work with and we chat back and forth during the day". Then FINALLY I got "There’s this one that isn’t there anymore that I talk to… only about work stuff, and I knew you would wonder if you saw the number in the log, so I deleted them." I’m done. I’m shockingly indifferent at the moment, scorchingly angry of course, but I had laid very clear and concise ground rules and boundaries 8 years ago, and they were broken. Nay, not just broken, they were smashed into a billion bits, with conscious choice and malice.

So yes, always trust your gut, it is rarely wrong.

Ugh.

I'm so sorry this is happening again and you find yourself back here.

"Once a cheater, always a cheater" is probably not a fair thing to say for all waywards, but the shoe certainly appears to fit for this "special" guy.

Is your WH aware of this site? Though he could benefit, I mention only because this should be your safe space.

Thank you Lost. I am sad I am back here again, but so very grateful SI and folks like yourself exist. He is aware of the site, but doesn’t come here, so I do consider it my safe space. Glad to have a place to vent and get support.

I too avoid the generalization of "once a cheater, always a cheater" because I know in some cases it is not true. Alas, in this case it seems to fit.

So sorry you are forced back here.
The indifference will probably transition to other feelings of anger, and sadness, but stick to your guns.
He did smash some easy boundaries to bits, and clearly thought that it was just fine.

Keep reading, keep posting.

So sorry you had to find SI again. You know the routine: see your doctor and get tested, take good care of yourself physically and emotionally, and lean on the people you need. And at this point it would be a good idea to see a lawyer and understand what D might look like. Again so sorry. False R is the worst.

I wonder what is so broken in your H that he truly doesn’t get it. Why does he need the ego boost from OW to validate himself?

It sounds like everything was going well. He had a good job and a new home and a good marriage.

I’m sorry that wasn’t enough for him. But I think you are facing reality in that he’s not going to change. How sad. His ego made the wrong decision for him yet again.

It’s like these EAs are addictions - that the CS just can’t stop the behavior.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:00 AM, Thursday, August 4th]

Thank you tushnurse. Tad bit of a rollercoaster with emotions, but mainly just anger and sadness bookending my indifference at the moment. Being that this is the second time I’ve ridden this particular ride, I feel a little more prepared this time.

Thank you too Bearly. Yup, part of the "been there, done that" crew unfortunately, know the drill. He swears it wasn’t like the last time, good old "just friends talking" line. Funny that last time he told me the same thing, and two moths later it finally comes out they were having sex. And yet he wonders why I don’t even want to hear it this time. I am a SAHM, and we have 2 kids (13 and 9), but I know my rights and the laws for our state when it comes to D, as well as all the documentation from our last go-round. Will get the obligatory to-do list and start checking stuff off.

I’m so sorry for this discovery. It’s the worst nightmare for any of is investing in R. I’m sure you are more prepared this time around, and have a contingency plan.

I just don’t understand how he can see the damage that was done the first time, and do it again? He is seriously broken and no amount excuses or apologies will be good enough. He needs serious help and consequences.

Wishing you the best.

How can he even imagine you would believe his lies after all he lied about the first time?

It makes me wonder, and I am sure you as well, if he really has been "clean" for the last eight years.

I am so sorry to read this.

You can be sure that this has been going on for a long time, but the only reason you caught him was b/c you got cell phones. Think about all the flirting and other stuff he's been doing these past 8 yrs that you were not able to catch b/c you didn't have cell phones.

Brutal

I'm so very sorry.

That is not appropriate on any level. And IMHO downplayed.

If any of those "ladies" have spouses or significant others, I wonder if they know about the "work only" communications with your WH.

You know the drill.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It's awful to get up off the ground, build yourself up a bit, let your guard down and start to trust and they just plow you in the face with a 2x4 and knock you down again. False reconciliation is heartbreaking. You are absolutely justified in your feelings.

Sending light, strength and lots of positivity your way. I hope you can find peace.

Thank you everyone for the replies and support. I’m hanging in there, still consumed by anger with momentary flashes of sadness here and there. It’s been 10 days since I found the deleted call logs, we had a family camping vacation with friends that has been planned for months the weekend after I found out. I told him I would be damned if I was going to screw that up for the kids who have been looking forward to it all summer. We went and played the parts of a happy little family. On our way home we got a call from the people pet sitting our animals that there had been an "accident" and our 4 year old Labrador retriever had bit the husband in the face and tore his lip. One trip to the ER and 18 stitches later, he is thankfully ok, but obviously we have been dealing with the documentation and reporting that has to be done in a situation like this.

The few chances we have had to talk at all (the kids are always here and I refuse to discuss or argue in front of them), he sticks to his story of just a friend and understanding ear to talk to about stress at work. The cell phone calls have stopped, but I’ve been down this road before and assume they have just moved to a non-traceable means of communication. I obviously can’t police his calls at work, and don’t have access to work email (he’s a nurse, so me getting in work email would be a HIPPA violation), and honestly I really could give two shits. I told him last time that it was his one and only chance, and here we are again. The oh-so-familiar-lines I have gotten:

"I don’t work with a lot of men or have any friends and needed to talk to someone that would understand about the stress at work"

"I never told anyone I loved them, you are my one and only love" (when discussing his previous affair in regards to this one. I found it telling he said "anyone" and not just "her")

"I was never looking for a relationship with this person, I am too old and don’t have the time or energy for a new relationship. Not that I even want one"

Every single fiber of my being says there’s more to the story, but have no proof of anything other than over 500 minutes of deleted calls from the last two months. Not a ton I can do at the moment, so just existing day to day, getting my ducks in a row, and taking care of myself and the kids. I currently don’t work, and have been a SAHM for 12 years now, am over 50 years old, and have health issues from a collapsed lung 3 years ago that severely limit my working ability, so not a ton of options. Neither of us have family close by, so nowhere to go without it costing an arm and a leg and bankrupting our family, which I will not do. Now the added bonus of hospital bills and any repercussions from the dog bite. Just ugh. Sticking to the 180 and keeping my bitch boots firmly in place. Been there, done that, ate the shit sandwich… don’t want to do it again.

[This message edited by BrokenMrsR at 2:07 PM, Saturday, August 13th]