SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been 3 years since DDay (and almost as long going no contact) and between work and world events, I haven't really thought about my ex-wife, her affair, or even memories of our marriage in a very, very, very long time. I posted over a thousand times during that first year, when I needed SI the most, but after that I stepped fully into the next phase and put all this behind me. I think it was a bit easier for me, for reasons I'll explain below, but then I dipped in here recently, read some posts, and it got me wondering. I see the familiar details of post-infidelity shock and awe, but I didn't catch the one which resonates with me most.

How many other BSes here have had exes who up and left once the cat was out of the bag, then never spoke to them again?

It seems like a rarity. It did in 2018, and times don't seem to be changing. Until I found the article "The Ones Who Just Leave", I thought I was going crazy. When I caught my ex-wife's affair, by accident, it was an immediate turn. The sea of lovey-dovey texts, assuring phsyical contact, and positive energy stopped abruptly. The mask dropped and what was behind it was a cold, calculating, robotic person without a hint of sympathy for her soon to be ex-husband of over a decade. It seems common that the WS adopts the "hand caught in the cookie jar" persona, as mine did, but once we sorted out the terms of our divorce in a few weeks, I never heard from her again. I remember saying it felt like "I was someone she murdered whose body she was desperately trying to hide before the sun came up".

It's cliche to say I wasn't a perfect husband, and I wasn't, but I wasn't the type of husband from Sleeping With the Enemy that needed to be "escaped". I was never irrational or prone to outbursts or violent, or anything in that regard. The last 6 months to a year of our marriage we rarely even fought (which in retrospect was probably an indicator that she had checked out emotionally). At some point, she saw an in with an older male coworker, engaged in whatever she was doing (I never got answers), and when caught, opted to simply end the marriage, get what she could out of our assets, and disappear forever. She blocked my number, blocked what little social media I had at the time, and that was that. Probably part shame, part anger, part narrative control - the usual.

We still live in the same city, probably within 10-20 miles of each other, but it's big enough that we never run into each other. At this point, I rarely think of her and I'm sure she thinks of me even less than that. The record of our 12 years together was deleted from the archives, with no backup. It took me a long time after DDay to get used to that concept.

And so I wonder, how many others here have run into this situation? How did it make you feel? How long did it take you to bounce back from that shock? Or am I one of the only ones here who got a clean break from a severely damaged person handed to me on a platter? It seems like even those who choose their AP over BS still linger for a period, even if there are no kids involved. And some of them come crawling back. Mine though? Never has, and never will - and I'm fine with that.

Mine did something similar except I've heard from her a few times where she told me how much of a horrible abuser I supposedly was. Feel free to look over my post history for the full details.

I found it spectacularly jarring that my ex-wife could turn on me like that. We'd known each other since we were kids and were together for 8 years, married for 7.

My biggest consolation is that I really don't want to be with someone who can flip a switch and walk away like that so easily. Kindness and empathy are important to me, I've been kinder to women I've dated a short time that I've broken things off with, than my ex was to me after knowing me most of her life.

I've used this time since she left to really ask myself who it is that I want to be, and have grown far beyond who I was or would have been if I she had never cheated and left.

I'm actually kinda glad I never got some false reconciliation. I loved her so much I probably would have fallen for it.

I am currently going through this.

D Day 1 was July, then 2 months of false R before D Day 2 in September which led to separation roughly 11 weeks ago.

She already refers to the affair partner as her boyfriend, she has told our 10 year old son all about him and shown him pictures of them together (without telling me she was going to do this and also swearing our son to secrecy to not tell me about it!). The AP now stays at our old home on the nights I have my son, sleeping in the bed that I bought and built myself and that me and my WW shared for the past 3 years.

She wants nothing to do with me, has blocked me on all social media, email, whatsapp and we now only have text message to be able to communicate regarding matters to do with our son. I need to go round to the house to pick up a couple of things from the garage, she's told me she doesn't want to be at the property when I'm there so we need to arrange an exact day and time so she will go out and leave me a key only to the garage, not the rest of the house.

I expect it will be better in the long run in terms of getting over her but the initial feelings so close to D Day and separation are awful, you're not only dealing with the betrayal that comes with the discovery of any affair but then the complete abandonment that comes with a separation of this nature. Knowing your WS didn't even want to fight for you and now knowing they are "living their best life" with the AP whilst you're still grieving the loss of your relationship and the future you thought you had together.

I am finding this incredibly tough, just being cast aside and seamlessly replaced by someone else in her life, like she's just upgraded to a better model. I have sleepless nights, I can go a full day thinking of nothing but her, the affair, the AP, the loss of the future we planned together and loads of other related things. It makes it so, so much harder knowing that she doesn't have any of these thoughts, she is at peace, happy with her new life and excited by it, I'm just an afterthought, stuck long in the rear view mirror that she gives no thought to. This would be so, so much easier if we had just separated, there was no AP and that we were both suffering and grieving but knowing I'm the only one feeling these things is just so unfair.

My ex did one obligatory session of MC and asked me to come back to the apartment after I went back home to my parents, but other than that, he didn't beg, love bomb, or make me any promises.

I filed for divorce, thinking that the shock of me actually leaving would wake him up from his fugue... which was foolish on my part, because for the entirety of our marriage, I was always the one putting all the effort into making him happy, appeasing him, trying to make up with him after fights (even when it wasn't fault). He was clearly checked out but was too cowardly to tell me he wanted a divorce.

In the immediate aftermath, I felt devastated and worthless, but once the ink was dry on the papers and all communication between us ceased, I was surprised by how relieved I felt. For the first time in 7 years, I wasn't in a constant of state of anxiety and expending all of my emotional on him. Even the chronic skin condition that I was diagnosed with 3 years prior miraculously cleared up! I was warned that I might get depressed during the holidays, but that didn't happen; I actually got to enjoy the festivities because I wasn't catering to and pretending to enjoy the company of his psychopathic family!

I've heard through the grapevine of our interconnected social circles (we come from a tight-knit ethnic community) that he is unhappy and regrets "not treating me better." But that's probably due to the fact that he doesn't like living alone and misses how I waited on him hand and foot. None of his OW had the temperment for that, apparently.

Now that I'm happily remarried with a pair of healthy and wonderful kids, I actually feel very grateful to him that he didn't string me along or put me through the wringer of trying to reconcile, because I probably would've destroyed myself to save our marriage.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:47 PM, Friday, November 19th]

AbandonedGuy, my experience has some similarities with yours, like abandonment, but not as long of a history (5 years, only 11 months in M until d-day). It was long ago, 2008. No kids involved. She lived (probably still does) in the same city, but I never see her. She left me for AP, and after necessary "D" correspondence, never heard from her again. For me, I preferred it that way, and she knows. The initial pain was awful, in one early discussion I told her I didn't wish my situation on anyone, including her or her AP. I meant it, still do.

We did talk several times after d-day, but I cut it off when I realized that it eventually became emotionally/verbally abusive nastiness coming out of her toward the end of each discussion. I never reciprocated and am glad I did not, I kept my dignity in that small way. Looking back I think maybe she wanted me to get nasty so she could justify her treatment of me in some way.

She flipped into an emotionless robot on d-day, and I quickly realized I have to look out for myself because she wouldn't. It was shocking to see her face flip instantly, becoming like the grim reaper, 100% uncaring. A nightmare, my own personal embodied Satan who knew me deeply and knew what to say for maximum emotional damage.

I learned that night on d-day that she had checked out of M and moved on emotionally with AP. Emotional part had recently happened. I noticed a difference and asked her to go to M counseling with me (I had already been once alone) when BOOM, that small ask is what triggered d-day and summoned the grim reaper. I didn't think I would come to learn I was a BS that night.

Believe it or not, she had more than one AP in those 11 months...mostly just for thrillseeker forbidden sex apparently, but this new guy she couldn't leave. In fact, about a week from d-day she said I would like him because he is a great guy, a kind person and fun...no joke... she was serious...excuse me? Are you talking to me or are you on a call with an earpiece I can't see? In real life I actually said nothing, no point in speaking my mind at that point.

Her emotional intelligence = 0, and no, we aren't all friends from your fantasy world.

It took me about 1 year for shock to truly subside, but I still think about it from time to time unfortunately. No way to erase it, I entered D humiliated, beaten (emotionally), and penniless. An incredible support system and youth let me bounce back pretty quickly. I also let work be a huge focus, which actually benefits my family now. That said, it will admittedly always be somewhere in the back of my mind. I used to think about it all the time, then a few times a day, then only at night, then every few days...etc., but it has never gone totally away. The thoughts no longer carry emotion, mostly my wondering mind tries to figure out unknown details in playing back the situation. Sometimes thinking of what I should have said. Sometimes I get a hint of shame and regret, but not strongly.

Regardless, I have no issue trusting others including my wife, and we were married in '11, and what an incredible blessing she is to me. I believe that the "clean break" type ending and indefinite no contact made that possible for me. Of course, I have also learned that a person can rise to the occasion, and endure what was previously thought unimaginable when that moment arrives. That is every hero in every great story to me. Imperfect, overcoming the impossible.

@BluerThanBlue, what you wrote so resonates with me.

I filed for divorce, thinking that the shock of me actually leaving would wake him up from his fugue... which was foolish on my part,

I don't think it was foolish at all. In fact, I'm now convinced that this is the template approach to betrayal for the exact reasons you outlined. And, yes, I understand the oft-repeated line that there is not "one size fits all," but filing as a decisive first move whether you want to really divorce or not serves as way for the betrayed to take back the narrative. It also sends a clear intelligible statement to the cheater that you are no doormat and refuse to behave as one. I really dislike the characterization of being victimized by this. I can describe myself as the "injured party," but reject looking at a victim in the mirror.

If, in fact, one wants to reconcile, this is how one finds out if reconciling is a rational option. You found out very early whether you were worth his effort, or not. And by taking this approach, you spared yourself this...

string me along or put me through the wringer of trying to reconcile, because I probably would've destroyed myself to save our marriage.

And I'll share, that what you wrote above is exactly what I did to myself in the pursuit of reconciliation. Through the course of my five and a half year hopium addiction, I so bore witness to this...

The mask dropped and what was behind it was a cold, calculating, robotic person without a hint of sympathy for her soon to be ex-husband of over a decade.

In the process, I destroyed my business, my stature, and lost my dignity. I'll tell anyone who cares to listen to take BluerThanBlue"s approach to expedite their understanding of what's possible.

After eight months of physical separation, I can say that I'm finally on the road to repair and finding a groove for myself.

And to the first three posters above, understand that I'm not marginalizing your discomfort, but consider yourselves among the fortunate within team betrayed. The unraveling that happens owing to failed reconciliation is worse than the betrayal itself.

As Freedomfighter said...

I believe that the "clean break" type ending and indefinite no contact made that possible for me.

I know three women who did this. Every one of them had childhood issues. Every one left very scarred children. Every husband remarried happily.
Dr. Ramani is trained in personality disorders. Look up her youtubes. She is very good at explaining this kind of behavior.
People who do not get unconditional love, stability and dependability never make it into adulthood emotionally………although they might with tons of therapy. The problem is they are comfortable right where they are. They set up a way to wall off others’ needs so that they can easily move on.
Believe it or not this had nothing to do with you. I know many people who had affairs and left a marriage but they are very close to their children.

Regardless, I have no issue trusting others including my wife, and we were married in '11, and what an incredible blessing she is to me. I believe that the "clean break" type ending and indefinite no contact made that possible for me. Of course, I have also learned that a person can rise to the occasion, and endure what was previously thought unimaginable when that moment arrives. That is every hero in every great story to me. Imperfect, overcoming the impossible.

That is such good stuff for you. I'm really glad. Your words resonated with me. It was incredibly damaging to me to live with someone I couldn't trust. I really think every single day of that added more damage. I do now wish I had managed to avoid that by leaving immediately. I don't really have trust issues at this point, but I had to power through those and work on it. I felt such relief when I left and didn't have anyone in the house I didn't trust.

It's cliche to say I wasn't a perfect husband, and I wasn't, but I wasn't the type of husband from Sleeping With the Enemy that needed to be "escaped". I was never irrational or prone to outbursts or violent, or anything in that regard.

Even if you were a total prick of a husband, it still would not be justification for, nor an excuse for her infidelity and her lies.

It would be justification to divorce and not have anything to do with you - but not for infidelity.

There is no issue, problem, or "rough-patch" in a marriage/relationship that renders an adult married woman incapable from knowing fundamental right from wrong.

Her reasons for her infidelity exist ONLY within her and those reasons were there long, long before you ever met her.

Sear the following into your heart, mind, and soul: Her infidelity had absolutely nothing to do with you or your marriage.

Infidelity is NOT the result of marital issues - ever.

At some point, she saw an in with an older male coworker, engaged in whatever she was doing (I never got answers), and when caught, opted to simply end the marriage, get what she could out of our assets, and disappear forever. She blocked my number, blocked what little social media I had at the time, and that was that.

This is the behavior of a true sociopath.

She will do whatever she needs to do to avoid facing the reality of who and what she is

You, through no fault of your own, will ALWAYS be a living reminder of how she is a complete failure of a human being.

So, in order to avoid any semblance of a consequence for behavior she knows very well was utterly despicable, she will simply discard any "proof" of how shitty a person she is, like the ex-husband she betrayed.

I know.

My XWW is the same.

Although, I divorced her and we still have minor children together so we are forced to still have communications regarding them.

She treats me with the same contempt and utter disrespect that she did while she was in her fantasyland affair - and it’s because I am that reminder that she destroyed her own family and marriage for her selfish bullshit.

I have a just a few more years of having to deal with this pathetic excuse of a "woman" and then when our youngest has turned 18, I will be the one to block her number and leave her to writhe in her narcissistic, sociopathic shit.

I strongly advise you to not think of it as her being cold and cruel.

Her "just leaving" is a gift in that you will never have to deal with that shit ever again.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 2:33 AM, Saturday, November 20th]

That must hurt a lot. A clean break sounds enviable to me though - from where I’m standing. I would crawl over a mile of broken glass if it meant I never had to see his smug cheating duplicitous face ever again.

I’m glad the trash took itself out for you.

This happened with my first husband. I was in labour with our second child when I found evidence that he was having an A. When I confronted him he told me how hard it had been for him (!) having to lie to me and that he was in love with her and leaving. I asked him to stop seeing her and concentrate on the marriage and he said "I’m not leaving her for you!" That was 34 years ago this week and I’ve never forgotten his words.

Anyway, he left. We had two very young daughters but he just went. Didn’t see them for the next 3 years and then was in and out of their lives for the next 10 years, never settling to any kind of visitation routine. In 1999 I finally stood up to him during an abusive phone call and we never heard from him again. By that time he had had a child with AP, married and divorced her. He’s now serving a long prison sentence.

But yeah, he just left. Even though we had children. Didn’t look back. And when I tried to get him to commit to a relationship with his children I was told "I have other things in my life now". Scum of the earth.

It's cliche to say I wasn't a perfect husband, and I wasn't,

It doesn't seem to matter the quality of husband you were before they "just leave", before they just completely split from reality, before the Invasion of the Body Snatcher spore pods take them over.

I, myself, was cruising along in a seemingly relatively idyllic 22 year marriage, no detectable signs of impending doom, really no detectable signs of even discontent, no outstanding, unresolved issues, good intimacy, plenty of loving sentiment, mutual appreciation, good communication. We were mutually excited about our future, as our kids were becoming teenagers, with big plans to travel. We lived in an idyllic resort community in a beautiful home-wife's dream home. No money problems. Fulfilling careers and ample couples bonding time, etc, etc.

She was an incredible Mother, never doing anything to jeopardize the kids nurturing environment.

Then one day, my wife, the woman I trusted with my life, was gone. Just like that.

And she, ironically, did one of worst things a parent could possibly do to a child's environment.

When I'd ask her why, I'd just get this incredulous blank pod person stare. No real explanation. Nothing that made sense to either of us. I really don't think she understood what was happening.

Leaving me feeling like a disposable commodity that's served its purpose.

We subsequently divorced and she never really came back. There's someone else inhabiting her body who doesn't seem to care at all about me. Strangest most disturbing thing I've ever experienced.

She didn't run off to be with another. She just ran off to be free. She was never caged in our marriage. Marriage itself was just too confining.

It's so bizarre and so out of character and so intimately disturbing that our own families, children, friends couldn't believe it. I've always wondered, if they wonder, if I did something to cause this. Did I do something insidious, abusive, neglectful behind the Ken and Barbie facade to make this happen?

I'm happily remarried now and I'm totally over my ExWW, and over the affair. I even forgot her APs name, but, I'm still not over how people can so easily change, literally, over night. How they can get out of bed one day, 22 years into a marriage, and just leave. Just check the fu.. out destroying everything-everyone in their wake.

Although everything seems to be going perfectly in my current marriage, I'm prepared for her to someday unexpectedly gut me, betray me, forsake me, and take all the good times, the memories, the love making, the promises, the solemn oaths, the declarations of true enduring love, our mated souls, and our child with her, to give to another, for absolutely no rational reason other than she's ready for something new.

Pretty fucked up eh?

I think all cheaters "just leave". Some may stick around after the fact, for one reason or another, but they're only physically there. They're emotionally gone. Except, maybe, for the truly remorseful. I reserve judgment on that rare phenomenon.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 3:12 AM, Sunday, November 21st]

Although all cheaters "leave" their marriages most show some regret for their children, for hurting their spouses, but your wife is not, and never has been, the person you thought you knew.

I don’t want to keep repeating this every time I respond to a poster, but it might help you to understand. I knew a woman who was so neglected as an infant that her adoptive parents said she never actually bonded with them. She just walked out of the house one day in her early teens and never went back. At some point she married and had a couple of kids. One day she walked out of the house and never went back. She did this two more times leaving hurting children and bewildered husbands. She’s beautiful and articulate but when talking to her any length of time you realize that she disappeared inside herself as a child and never tried to love again. How can you help someone like that? All the damage was done pre-verbally. Look to your wife’s childhood for the answers but don’t expect to get an apology. She just moved on. Crazy as it sounds don’t take it personally. If she lives alone, or with another damaged person, they won’t expect what she does not have to give. I’m guessing it was exhausting for her to pretend for so long.

I knew a woman who was so neglected as an infant that her adoptive parents said she never actually bonded with them. She just walked out of the house one day in her early teens and never went back. At some point she married and had a couple of kids. One day she walked out of the house and never went back. She did this two more times leaving hurting children and bewildered husbands. She’s beautiful and articulate but when talking to her any length of time you realize that she disappeared inside herself as a child and never tried to love again. How can you help someone like that? All the damage was done pre-verbally. Look to your wife’s childhood for the answers but don’t expect to get an apology.

Cooley2here,

Anyone could see how this kind of childhood emotional trauma could affect someone to the point of lacking emotional attachment or emotional investment.

On the other hand, someone can be raised in a loving, caring, and intact family in a very emotionally healthy environment and still end up being a cold, calculated, dishonest, and deceitful backstabber.

Like my XWW.

She was raised in a very loving home where there was no abuse of any kind - at least nothing I ever heard of.

She was and is as cold and cruel as the original posters XWW.

My point is - You never really know.

And on the flip side someone can endure all those terrible things and still not turn out so damaged. Its not always nature vs nurture. Sometimes its one or the other, and sometimes its both.

There are always signs of who they actually are, of what they are capable of, and it is always easier to see it in hindsight.

I'll throw in my anecdotal two cents about childhood trauma impacting WS's infidelity choices. It was almost textbook the way my exwife adopted the worst traits of both her parents. Her mom cheated on her dad with multiple APs and ended up leaving him for the last one. Mom wanted the house in the divorce, but not the kids, so dad got full custody. The kids were preteens at the time. This destroyed dad and alienated the kids from mom. Eventually, my ex and her siblings built an alright relationship with mom while dad met the woman who would eventually become his second wife. Wife #2 wore the pants in the house and was all about *her* kids, not so much her husband's. Instead of standing up for himself, dad was the type to hide things, usually money he gave to the kids. I know he gave my ex thousands of dollars over the years without his wife knowing (even though my ex made twice what her dad made and didn't need any of it).

The red flags were there from day one. Something happened within our first few months of dating that should've sent me running for the hills. In my 20s, I didn't fully appreciate the implication of these behaviors. In my 30s, I was married and fell into the usual relationship traps (complacency, familiarity, stability, sunk cost fallacy, failure avoidance) that made me work to keep it going despite the tea leaves pointing to the Exit sign. Every three years, like clockwork, she would pull some kind of major stunt, each one worse than the last, and each should've been a wake up call. In hindsight, it's clear that these stunts were all desperate attempts to gain control over me and/or the relationship.

I'm a live and let live guy, so I didn't understand that some people will latch onto someone and try every manipulation tactic in the book to change them into the person they actually want. But to be fair, I was the equally delusional type who sticks with someone they probably shouldn't and hopes that over time the person's more unruly behavior softens and their emotional intelligence improves. The "wait around and hope they change" tactic is more benign than the "I will *make them* change" tactic, but at the end of the day, you're still painting your expectations on someone in spite of evidence to the contrary.

I just wanted to hop on here and say this is a great thread. I basically had the same thing happen to me and it is bewildering. Maybe I will share some more details in the future. Tonight I am getting ready for Thanksgiving so I don't have the time. But I just wanted to say there are some real words of wisdom on here and many words that resonate with me. Thank you all.