SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Everyone, Im saddened that im even here but Im struggling as I don’t know many people in my position.

Im 32, have one kid and been married for 8 years…I found out about my partners affair a few months ago now. Last year was a tough year for many, but my wife decided to flirt and then sleep with someone working on our house, this then carried on alongside phone calls and ‘sexting’ for months (around 9) before I found a message from his friend to her telling him to stop, but not what she should be stopping. I don’t know either of them well so pressed her on it and she admitted the whole thing. All in our house and bed.

He isn’t that attractive and is a horrible person and the ‘bad boy’ character and shes said it was only about the sex side, which I believe (although the phone calls were strange, but she did get on well with him too, and my therapist seems to think they were also to attach emotions to the sex, as otherwise it would just be sex and she would feel used as a woman)

She only confided in a single friend. She said she ended it - but she wanted to carry on messaging after and didn’t seek any mental health help throughout at all. It was a very big secret from everyone she knew well.

From her side she said that she needed attention, which seems to be the most common reason for women to cheat. This fits in with our year, as I was struggling a LOT with work, and I have chronic pain for basically our whole marriage which although doesn’t stop me from doing anything (im very fit and bring in a decent salary) I definitely overshared how bad last year was…I communicated I had suicidal thoughts a few times, but I did go to therapy sessions and was trying to sort myself out. Still this was NO excuse to cheat, but its her viewpoint of why she was in the mindset she was in when this guy basically (from her story…) went to kiss her, she said no but then he continued and she didn’t stop him…keep in mind they were both flirting before this for a few days…then the rest was in her words "ive cheated now, so I might as well continue as otherwise what was the point" and she thought the marriage was over.

Her family now know and are shocked, our friends know as the day after I posted that it had happened and now feel bad about that as I said it was over (I hadn’t slept and was a big knee-jerk reaction!)

to her credit: When I found out, she could have lied, but she told me everything, she didn’t want the guilt anymore. It wasn’t an emotional affair, she doesn’t love him, shes been very open to leave her phone open now, to talk through everything I want to, she says she wants us to try (and is waiting on me to feel the same), shes cut all ties to him, she is giving me time.

In a way, I know writing this on a forum will get all kinds of replies, as does talking with friends as people can only bring their own opinions to things, but that’s why I want to work through as a discussion as to what decision is fully right for me… as im really struggling right now to have clarity one way or another.

We have both been having individual therapy. And were just starting to have couples therapy. We are still living in the same house, in separate rooms, although ive stayed with a friend for a week part way through to get some head space. This is mainly for our child who is young (3) and doesn’t really understand what is going on.

I don’t think theres any threat from the other man, as he threatened her a lot when it came out and his partner found out (his partner) was pregnant throughout this. My wife is sorry, but she is far from begging for forgiveness.

Ive become a different person, Ive found myself monitor her heavily, although that’s died out now and ive learnt that she could still very easily hide things despite what im doing and I cant change her decisions. I can only influence my own thinking.

Things I wanted:

- Her to take ownership for the cheating, it’s objectively wrong. No excuses for cheating Moving on marriage should be affair proof (she seems to have done this)
- Absolute honesty - Full clarity - show loyalty to me( she seems to have done this)
- Prove herself with actions to regain my trust - and also to be pushing the recovery not just a passenger (this I haven’t seen fully, she has gone out late till 3 am to bars a few times late after ive said I really wish she wouldn’t and would prioritise us)
- Absolutely no contact with him at all. Prove to me this is over. (she seems to have done this)
- She needs to understand that she made terrible decisions and figure out what flaw/flaws in her character allowed her to act this way. I don't care how bad our marriage was (I truly don’t think it was much worse than many others out there, she is just deflecting and post rationalising her selfish acts), she didn't have to cheat. There are adult ways to deal with problems and they chose not to. (not sure she has done this)

Big things im struggling with: 


1) She was my comforter, someone I went to for advice - i still use her for this. I need to find someone else for this when having a hard day etc. How do I do this?

2) On the sexual side, im experiencing high levels of hysterical bonding (paradoxically wanting her more sexually than ever before) we have had sex around 5/6 times since across a few months but it doesn’t feel like loving sex. Its good but Its very much ‘reclaiming’ for me (again a therapist term and something I was annoyed I was doing. The affair was all about sex so now that’s all im focussed on. Once I know that some things are purely psychological it can help me make better decisions for myself) but she has said she doesn’t find me attractive in this current phase and its always me instigating the sex. She’s now at a point where she doesn’t want it and wants a break because it also brings up memories of the other guy. How do I deal with this? I don’t want to self pleasure every day but I cant be around her in the evenings without it, ugh!

3) Feelings of revenge – I want revenge but know deep down I can never go through with it. Not because im too weak to, but because in my true self I know its not what I want, and wouldn’t have done before the affair. But I still struggle with the thoughts and need help and how to stop thinking that way??… Ive realised a lot of what I do is driven by fear and not love or my own decisions. So I dont want to make any mistakes that go against my character.

4) I was unhappy with a lot of things with her Narcissist character, she is aggressive and short tempered, a clean freak (Home is not a relaxing place), she says horrible things in arguments, Double standards, selfish and manipulating, she wants attention, but doesn’t want to give it back, she puts my family down constantly, she is controlling and focusses on me and anything I do wrong so much, Her emotional intelligence is low and I truly believe she lacks the ability for empathy, she’s is also stuck up and has made our friends upset with her brash opinions in the past.

You could ask…why on earth are you still with her then!!?? Well I know ( or think?) that a lot of these things come from insecurities and are defence mechanisms. But I want her to realise that and work on them. But if she doesn’t realise that is it time to go? I cant take the cheating AND all the stuff I was unhappy about before. Ive already understood her side and am already and are willing to change my downfalls to make things work.

Although she has a lot of bad qualities, she up to this point was very loyal, never really looked at other men. She is a good mum, she has helped me through a parent passing 5 years back and through my health problems, she is fun to be around if we go out and we can enjoy a laugh together, I still find her very attractive, she has in the past been open with how she feels and I admire her normal fighting spirit, but at the moment it doesn’t seem to be for me.

5) I’m basically sick of the limbo side of things. It’s exhausting mentally and physically being that angry at someone all the time. So we have agreed to give it a go for the foreseeable, and do therapy together BUT if it’s not working well and making progress over coming month or two then I need to know that i tried but I know I’m better off without her and need to push for what’s right for me. We are setting some boundaries like the going out and sex side etc. Has anyone been through something like this and come out the other side better off with confidence the other person is committed and has changed and will never cheat again?

______________

Thank you all for listening and your advice in advance on the things im struggling with. Im aware a lot of detail gets missed in these posts, and tone and things can be written in the wrong way too, but ive tried my best.

I know every relationship is different and no one can tell me which decision to me, but im more here to see if there are bits of advice that can help me get to either decision from people who have been through this.

Sorry for you are here.

It's fine for her to be open about her affaire, but judging by the personality you've drawn for her, she is not doing it because of remorse and to heal you, but because she doesn't care. You consult her about everything and you chase after her for sex even though she is cheating on you. Even at this stage, she may reject you. Not only her cheating but also her whole approach shows that she doesn't respect you much and sees you as weak and needy.

She doesn't even regret what she's done, and there's no small chance that the same thing will happen again with the AP or anyone else. At best she cheated the first time (or you caught her the first time). The first is hardest, the later is easier when she already hasn't faced any consequences.

Thanks for taking time to read through. I think you've understood well. But everyone comes at these things from their experiences in what ive learnt. Ive only made 1 post here, but youve made 501.

Have you been cheated on? what stage of the relationship were you at? i think context is key when getting replies from people :) just as much as peoples genders also very much dictate how they think and respond (IMO)

Not only her cheating but also her whole approach shows that she doesn't respect you much and sees you as weak and needy.

Without knowing her youve hit the nail on the head here. Respect is a huge part of recovery, in the relationship and for what happened.

She doesn't even regret what she's done

I think she does, but shes not constantly telling me shes sorry. It was at the start, and then only when i basically demand it. She went to a wedding recently and when the vows were read she messaged me saying she was so sorry. But its amazing it takes THAT level of emotion to stir up words from her. I feel that if it was me I would be constantly trying to tell her how much of a mistake it was. But then im learning emotions are complex for each party. I wonder if she feels the relationship was that bad for her that i drove her to it (i DO NOT feel that is the case and would fight back on that)

A big problem i have is that she isnt giving me much in terms of verbal affirmation. She just says she wants to try and make it work. It just doesnt feel like shes really grasped HOW bad what she did was and how it impacted me from a psychology perspective.

The first is hardest, the later is easier when she already hasn't faced any consequences.

how has she not faced consequences? ive yelled at her non stop for weeks, most of her close friends know what shes done and her family, who disowned her for a few weeks but now are talking to her. Shes had to go to a solicitor to face possible divorce, shes been kicked out the bedroom and house for a while...

Is the only consequence you feel appropriate to lose your husband? maybe you're right but i know a few couples who have got past infidelity BUT they dont want to talk about it

I think she does, but shes not constantly telling me shes sorry. It was at the start, and then only when i basically demand it. She went to a wedding recently and when the vows were read she messaged me saying she was so sorry.

Actions not words is what really shows remorse. Words are easy. What you describe is not someone who is remorseful. Just someone that regrets the consequences. Feeling it's ok to go out till 3am afterwards is an action that shows the opposite of remorse. As does not being the person driving the reconciliation over just being a passive passenger. Not taking ownership and deflecting.

HWT, sorry you found yourself here on SI....

She just says she wants to try and make it work. It just doesnt feel like shes really grasped HOW bad what she did was and how it impacted me from a psychology perspective.

To make what work? Marriage, herself in this marriage?
What I think has to happen is that YOU heal YOU, your WW heals herself, first. You'll have a new marriage, if you wish, at this point. You'll repeat the same issues again when both come into that new marriage in an unhealthy way. You personally can utilize all the options to heal YOU: IC, meditation, books, etc. Her? You can't change her, or even beg her to change (all her qualities that you described). She must be aware of her qualities, issues, blocks, fears, and then make a decision that it will be in HER best interest to make a change. MC won't help at this point to get out of limbo. This is how you get out of infidelity in general.

I feel that if it was me I would be constantly trying to tell her how much of a mistake it was.

Because she might realize that it was not a "mistake". There are a series of calculated decisions and choices. Simple example: you mentioned that meetups happened in your home, even if he worked there, she had to plan for you not to be there, for your child to be away, etc. And I assume that her AP was not working on your house for the whole 9 months? Then, more decisions and planning had to be in place. Have you asked her for Timeline? It might be an eye-opener that it was not "a mistake". WS don't ask themselves "WHAT FOR?" . They go with "..... and then I'll be happier". They want and desire happiness from the outside stimuli. This is another aspect that she might want to cover with her IC.

I'm in a very pragmatic mood today so take my response with a grain of salt.

It sounds like she regrets getting caught but if you'd just STFU and pretend the whole thing didn't happen, that would be great.

Combine that with 3am bar trips - dude. She's not sounding like stellar material here.

Please - continue going to IC for you.

"Because she might realize that it was not a "mistake". "

Ok i used the wrong phrase here... i KNOW it wasnt a mistake... she has given me the full timeline (i have to trust that) and ive seen the phone bills for all the communication. I meant to say

"I feel that if it was me I would be constantly trying to tell her how much [i regretted the decisions i made]."

I know it was fully calculated all behind my back. She wanted the thrill. The thing is my mind goes too and fro between thinking of how horrible and deceitful it was and thentrying to put myself in her shoes IF she is telling the truth and genuinely wanted it to work. I have fantasied about cheating before BUT i couldnt go through with it and didnt really have the proper chance and to be honest this was years ago and VERY fleeting...it actually made me realise how much i didnt want that and scared me...now IF someone was in my house and i was attracted to them and in the right frame of mind, and a woman started kissing me... I couldnt tell you what i would do, as ive never been in that position. But i feel sick thinking about it so i would hope that i would do the right thing.

But yes i agree with the other comments, that her behaviour doesnt show remorse.

she has given me the full timeline (i have to trust that)

No. No you really don't have to trust anything she says right now. The only thing you know for sure is that she cheated on you - she showed you she is wholly capable of deceit and disrespect. She has NOT shown you at all that she is trustworthy.

Some things you've written stand out for me ....

Going out to bars without you, except perhaps for a drink after a week of work, does not look like a desire to stay married. Returning home at 3 AM after a night out without you looks like the opposite of a desire to stay married.

Truth, taking responsibility, therapy ... all those look like a desire to stay married, and it looks like she's actually working to change from cheater to good partner.

These 2 sets of behaviors confuse me.

Have you considered setting a boundary like, 'No bars without me'?

*****

Saying one is sorry is easy. Making changes so one doesn't transgress again is what I want to see - and it takes a lot of time to gain confidence that someone really is changing. I sometimes shy away from saying I'm sorry because I think what I did was unforgivable. (I haven't cheated, but I've certainly hurt my W.)

*****

If you want something from your W, like verbal affirmations, you need to ask for it in a straight way. If your W won't comply with your request, you have to deal with it - by accepting her behavior, or by ending your relationship, or by negotiation, or by ?? My W sometimes asks me to say specific words. That may work for you, even though it seems totally unreasonable.

*****

I’m basically sick of the limbo side of things.

You're not in limbo; you've decided to see if you can R - Shirley Glass writes of a stage she calls 'working on the M' for couples who need time to gather data needed for their stay/go decision.

The problem is that it takes years/thousands of trust-building actions to rebuild trust. It took me 2 years to get confident that my W would stay the course.

*****

Recovering from being betrayed is a marathon, not a sprint. I believe R is a lifetime endeavor because you use the same skills and processes during and after R. If you are unwilling to give a lot of time to R, forget about it, because R takes a lot of time. At first, R is a process of rebuilding your M by resolving issues around the A. Then your M will have to resolve day-to-day issues, and you'll use the same skills and processes that you used to resolve the A issues. IMO, R morphs into M....

*****

In summary, if you're looking for an outside view of whether you should R or D, my belief is that you haven't decided yet. That's OK - you're making a decision that will affect 5+ decades of your life. If R is a possibility, you really do need to gather a lot of data before committing; you can't make that sort of decision quickly.

I knew I wanted to R from the start. I was not going to commit to R, however, until and unless I thought my W would do her work, and that took 3-6 months. But that was my need for time. You may need more.

BTW, the HB is common. Sex for yourself, sex for release are common in HB. HB sex probably comes from love, but it wasn't loving for me, IIRC. Glad I went through it, though....

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:38 PM, Thursday, October 21st]

All in our house and bed.

I don't want to be the bearer of more bad news, but I can tell you from my own personal experience this is going to be well-nigh impossible for you to get past. It will rear it's ugly head over and over in your brain. FOR YEARS.

You will see her as the person she really is, a woman who was all too willing to scheme repeatedly to be penetrated by another man in your own bed, then stone-cold lie to your face even as she carried his DNA around inside her.

Read the book "Cheating in a Nutshell" so you have a better grasp of what you're now going through and about to endure.

Read the short book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" so you can gauge how well your wife is stepping up. I predict she won't measure up. Don't bother giving her this book or any other book. Don't research or go on an Amazon book buying spree for her. Let her figure it out.

Read the book, "The Way of the Superior Man" to start reprogramming your thinking in orientation to her or any other woman from here on out. ETA: The book is not anti-woman at all, but rather a bracing read on respecting yourself more as a man.

You should go see a divorce attorney immediately (like tomorrow) assess your rights and consider a separation in which you move out (ensuring you retain ironclad rights to your home before you do this). Your wife has poisoned the home, and it will trigger you constantly now.

Your child is so young (3) that a divorce now would be far less traumatic and confusing than for an older child. Be forewarned about this.

If you haven't done so, get tested for STD's immediately and insist she do the same.

From her side she said that she needed attention

Immediate fail. False. This is blameshifting. Don't accept it.

This is a cliche affair for a woman -- approximately the 7-year itch with a blue collar man in your own home. Read Proverbs 30:20. They knew all about it 3,000 years ago too.

9 months is a VERY long time. Consider all of the decisions, choices, actions, deceptions, verbal lies, and more that had to be carried out repeatedly over 9 months. Consider the sort of creature who would do those things over and over and over.

she thought the marriage was over.

The marriage is over. No, really. It's over. The marriage you had before is dead as a doornail. If you decide to reconcile, it will take years. And you'll have to build an entirely new marriage from scratch with her. So she's correct, and she's the one who wantonly and willfully killed it.

I would be VERY cautious about marital/couples counseling. In fact, I would recommend against it. Most will tell you MC is perilous after D-Day because many therapists enable blameshifting and encourage rugsweeping (which means your pain is basically ignored). Far too soon, considering this:

My wife is sorry, but she is far from begging for forgiveness.

Others will be along to tell you this isn't reconciliation material. This far out, this indicates someone who regrets her actions, but doesn't feel authentic and true remorse. Without the latter, reconciliation is impossible.

this I haven’t seen fully, she has gone out late till 3 am to bars a few times late after ive said I really wish she wouldn’t and would prioritise us

Not reconciliation material. Dealbreaker on top of dealbreaker. This should be an immediate fail and completely unacceptable.

I truly don’t think it was much worse than many others out there, she is just deflecting and post rationalising her selfish acts

Exactly. I guarantee the marriage probably wasn't bad at all FROM YOUR SIDE. In fact, even adultery apologist "experts" are now acknowledging that most infidelity happens inside good marriages (again, I think this means they are acknowledging that most betrayed spouses are generally agreeable, loyal, stable, empathetic people that most others would find attractive -- even if wayward spouses are so screwed up they can't see it).

And look, that is because it is NEVER the marriage, it is ALWAYS the cheater and their bad worldview, lack of executive function, and flawed decision making skills.

Your wife sounds like a really unpleasant person who decided to lard on a humiliating affair on top of an already unattractive personality.

You can do better.

we have had sex around 5/6 times since across a few months

Am I reading this right? Sex 5-6 times over a few months?! Brother, that's not hysterical bonding. Not at all. You should be having sex at least 3 times a week if you're both young and healthy.

she has said she doesn’t find me attractive in this current phase and its always me instigating the sex. She’s now at a point where she doesn’t want it and wants a break because it also brings up memories of the other guy.

You can't negotiate attraction. We can't say for sure, but it sounds like she has lost attraction for you; happens sometimes when a wayward wife loses respect for a betrayed husband, ironically, if he won't punt her to the curb. Best to probably "open the golden cage" as a poster here called Bigger terms it. Just open that cage and let her go.

She sounds like a pretty repellent person, to be honest, and that was before the affair. Let her go.

Although she has a lot of bad qualities, she up to this point was very loyal, never really looked at other men.

In the wake of a 9-month affair, I don't think you can repose a lot of confidence in this sentiment. You really don't know.

[This message edited by Thumos at 6:51 PM, Thursday, October 21st]

maybe you're right but i know a few couples who have got past infidelity BUT they dont want to talk about it

Hmm, maybe you should think about this. I have talked at length with several couples IRL who felt they conquered infidelity and reconciled (both in WW and WH scenarios). They have no hesitation talking about it, and they were happy to sit with me for long periods of time to answer my questions and let me voice my fears. They don't sugarcoat just how painful and difficult it was to reconcile, either. They are willing to address almost anything I've asked. So why do you think these folks you know about don't want to talk about it? My own guess is they haven't really reconciled or got past it at all, and that's why they don't want to talk about it.

Have you been cheated on? what stage of the relationship were you at? i think context is key when getting replies from people :) just as much as peoples genders also very much dictate how they think and respond (IMO)

Everyone here in the JFO forum has been cheated on, just so you know. You're talking to a set of betrayed spouses. Some of us trying for R, some going for D (or already divorced), some (like me) in painful limbo (like you). We've seen a lot. Not everything, but a lot. Not much we see or read about strikes us as terribly original. As horrific and as painful as what you're going through right now is, it's also unfortunately nothing new under the sun. Your wife is pretty much a cliche out of the cheater's handbook.

[This message edited by Thumos at 6:14 PM, Thursday, October 21st]

"ive cheated now, so I might as well continue as otherwise what was the point"

It's extremely common for cheaters to use a previous transgression to continue or escalate their A. It's complete bullshit if you ask me, and she knowingly piled on session after session, knowing each one was another knife in your back.

From her side she said that she needed attention, which seems to be the most common reason for women to cheat.

It's a common rationalization. Around here we call it the "unmet needs fallacy".

I definitely overshared how bad last year was…I communicated I had suicidal thoughts a few times, but I did go to therapy sessions and was trying to sort myself out.

You overshared, I was emotionally distant. Hell you can take any set of behaviors and do a little relationship history rewriting to justify an affair. You could go have a revenge affair based on her having an affair and "wanting to get even". You would be wrong to cheat too though. I think you know that.

Do not accept any amount of blame shifting. Her cheating is on her, not on any problems with you or the marriage. The way to resolve problems isn't by cheating.

(although the phone calls were strange, but she did get on well with him too, and my therapist seems to think they were also to attach emotions to the sex, as otherwise it would just be sex and she would feel used as a woman)

Huge jump to conclusions there. Plenty of women are capable of using men for no-strings-attached sex. That said, in her case she said she like the attention and the sex. Betrayal is betrayal. The one you are experiencing is horrible. Do not minimize the damage she has done because "at least it wasn't also...".

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 9:08 PM, Thursday, October 21st]

I definitely overshared how bad last year was…I communicated I had suicidal thoughts a few times, but I did go to therapy sessions and was trying to sort myself out.

Ditto what TIF said. We don't make people abuse us. Abusers just abuse. And adultery is a particularly pernicious form of abuse that has long-lasting impact. Recent research shows betrayal trauma has more negative health outcomes long-term than other forms of trauma.

this I haven’t seen fully, she has gone out late till 3 am to bars a few times late after ive said I really wish she wouldn’t and would prioritise us

IMO, this is a HUGE red flag. 🚩 How confident are you that the affair is over?

now IF someone was in my house and i was attracted to them and in the right frame of mind, and a woman started kissing me... I couldnt tell you what i would do, as ive never been in that position. But i feel sick thinking about it so i would hope that i would do the right thing.

While in a committed relationship, it can be as simple as looking that person straight in the eyes and firmly stating "Please STOP" and possibly "Leave" and walk away. This is what happened to my fWH. He said he could not say "NO". I personally find this behavior very unattractive.

Looks like you're looking for some sort of justification for her behavior. Always good to ask oneself "What if, then What?" after the "What for?"

[This message edited by TruthIsPower at 9:40 PM, Thursday, October 21st]

A few thoughts

In your own bed, man, that's very tough to get over for a lot of people. It shows she was confronted with your marriage while with him every time but still did this anyway. No compartmentalizing needed, as many WW require to have an A.

She's been out alone to 3am??!! After her affair, this soon? Not a good sign she understands what she's put you through. And what was she doing anyway?

She says she isnt interested in you sexually? Do you believe her about her being triggered back to her A?

Your list of flaws for her, pre affair, is also very long to try to recover from this. Perhaps they sound worse than they are?

If you think you do want To offer R, she needs to get some help asap on what she should be doing to fix herself, her flaws and to heal you. She's missing the mark with no sign of trying to change. Perhaps a new, better IC who specializes in this.

Hang in there. Get the help you need. Take care of your health. This is a tough one.

He isn’t that attractive and is a horrible person and the ‘bad boy’ character and shes said it was only about the sex side, which I believe (although the phone calls were strange, but she did get on well with him too, and my therapist seems to think they were also to attach emotions to the sex, as otherwise it would just be sex and she would feel used as a woman)

She picked him over you though, didn’t she?

She only confided in a single friend. She said she ended it - but she wanted to carry on messaging after and didn’t seek any mental health help throughout at all. It was a very big secret from everyone she knew well.

The reality is she didn’t end it if she continued to message.

The rest is blame shift bullshit to justify her actions.

Limbo is a self improvement state.

How can you be certain they’re bar visits? Do you have receipts? Can she back up proof of purchase (I imagine frequent 3am bar visits would translate to a costly tab). Do you ping her phone to back up the location? Do you FaceTime call at random times and see she is by herself at a bar?? So soon after discovery how are you sure these late nights aren’t with the AP?

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 11:17 PM, Thursday, October 21st]

I hope I am wrong but reading between the lines I get a person who doesn’t care enough to care. You were in the same marriage and didn’t cheat. BSs always try to figure out what caused it so they can fix it and life can go back like it was. That is the stage of grief called bargaining. It doesn’t last. Your reality is you have a wife who doesn’t love you enough to care. From her history I think she can’t care. Sometimes in our formative years we are not given enough unconditional love, stability etc. to form deep attachments. This might be all she has to give anyone. Are you willing to settle for that?
And why in the hell is a mother of a young child hanging out in a bar until closing time? Something absolutely stinks here.
I think you need therapy to give you strength to make healthy decisions for yourself and your child.

Read my profile. Lots of similarities there. My EX had an affair with the electrician doing work on our renovation. Same scenario. Lots of flirting, bad boy, he goes in for a kiss, sex, and lots of it in our bed. She also continued the sex feeling like once she did it, she was a slut and the behavior reinforced it. Crazy stupid, but that’s what her mindset was. It was also all about sex and not emotional. He was never going to replace me and frankly if the stars hadn’t lined up the way they did, she would never have given him the time of day.

Where things are different is the aftermath. She shut everything down with him. Begged and pleaded for forgiveness. Was almost a shut in after with the house dark and her in there all day crying. No nights out, or even lunches with friends. She was also a great wife prior.

Your WW is not even making a minimal effort here. Words are easy. Actions are much harder. Frankly, with what she is doing you are going to have a hard getting the marriage back. Like others have said, getting over them doing things in your bed is very hard to overcome. Also, I woukd expect as in my case, she was doing things with and for him that might have been off the table for you.

You are doing the right thing with IC. Something I didn’t do until years later.

You should give it some more time, but I think I order for her to start getting it their needs to be consequences. They have committed a crime to the marriage and you. Maybe not a punishment, but life should not go on as it was before. The phones should be on lockdown as every other device. She for the time being should not be going to GNO. She should be able to verify where she is every moment of the day. If the friend she told encouraged her in any way, she should be cut out of the marriage.

You did nothing wrong telling friends and family. If she sees this as a problem, this is a big red flag. I didn’t, and regretted it.

You have a long hill to climb to getting back a marrige you want. The disrespect here is great. I wasn’t able to do it, even though my EX did anything and everything to make things right. My pride wouldn’t let me.

The key here is to get the marrige you want. Too many stories here end with couples staying together, but without real intimacy. They technically have reconciled, but it’s a piss poor way to live.

I feel for you. Lots of reminders for me.