SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi All, thanks for your replies. Ive read them all in detail and Lots to think about…

I have tried to start the process of trying to be positive and seeing how we can reconcile but I just can’t do it. At the moment she thinks were both trying to make it work and that will take months in her mind, so she has been acting in a very mundane way and going about normal life, there hasn’t been any change in her behaviour since we decided to do that.

She still can’t open up and say anything positive until she has sorted out her own issues with the affair in her words. Everything continues to be about her and I ask her how I fit into all of that and she says she needs to make herself better to be good for us.

I’m more certain than ever that I want to end things.

My wife and I have a joint session together later this week... we were going to use to discuss the relationship and how to move forward but deep down I can’t do that. I’m writing up a letter on how I feel to discuss with my therapist however he is away until before we have our couples session, so im asking advice on this community.

My therapist suggested if we wanted to move ahead we shouldn’t go over all the failings of the relationship but discuss what we want and needed moving ahead. But she isn’t good for me, and hasn’t been for a lot of the relationship. The affair is just an added unacceptable layer on top of all of that.

I think ive got to a point now where there isn’t anything she could say that would convince me this relationship will be better than before and that she is going to change enough and understand herself and me fully. This is different to the last few months, where i thought there could be.

I just need to do what is best for me now. It coming up to a year since she started the affair, and i dont want any more of my life taken away from her.

I don’t want to rush it and make mistakes ending it but it’s not fair her thinking I am trying to build things again when I’m not. I also down know how damaging that is to me, to be living in a lie to her and myself.

I feel a certain peace with it all. No more having to ask deep searching questions of her… no more having to worry about whether he is around still, or whether she still wants him, no more having to bite my tongue about all her bad qualities and accept my unhappiness…and lots more. BUT ive only been seriously feeling this way for a few days now. Ive been sleeping better because of it, but I also feel sick having to tell her this, then dealing with the fallout. And also letting go of all the history.

I don’t need to hand her a divorce letter straight away imo… we probably need to discuss that together with a bit of time. Separate first. It’s expensive and complicated certainly my child in mind. We are in a better place together now so I’m hoping that will help things be amicable.

______I would appreciate advice on how best to go about this. ______

1. Should i leave it more time to think about this? after all my mind changes a lot in this process. Its been a few days of me feeling this but months now since finding out.

2. how should i deal with the couples therapy later this week? I can either tell her then or not. It feels quite cold saying it in front of a therapist. But equally would help us discuss it without yelling at each other. And also discuss some practical measures with advice from a professional. Its hard to book these sessions, so the next one may not be for a few weeks.

3. Divorce takes a long time. We live in wales in the UK, any advice people have on starting the process? my solicitor advised me before handing her the form to officially start the process i tell her and discuss it and the terms without solicitors. How long should i leave it. Here you have 6 months before you cant claim divorce on infidelity if youre still living together.

4. I dont want to be driven by fear anymore. So i need to address them. My current fears are:

– she will get custody of my child (she is not working). I think half is fair.
– she has rich parents and they want to buy out my part of the house - i cant afford to do this - as they argue its best for our child to stay there. I paid for that house myself, thats where the affair happened, and I dont want her to get this. Can i say no or could that come down to the courts?
– Ive lost my comforter and closest friend. I will want to fill that void, but think dating straight away feels wrong in this mindset. Any advice on how to deal with that.
– Its very crass, but the thought of no sex for a while is tough. But maybe its best for me to recover on that area as she screwed my head up so badly. I also fear wanting to go back to her for that.
– Im not sure what’s best for me, to go to my parents house, or stay in the house - its a horrible situation.

As always much appreciate all your help.

IMHO the only way to deal with fear is through reality.
Like your fear of your then ex wife living in what is now your house… If she’s your ex then you don’t really have any say on where she lives or whom she lives with or whatever. You don’t have the right to have that fear because it’s none of your business.

Your fear of her parents buying your share of the house. Well… whose house is it? Wales doesn’t have the common marital property rule. Without knowing when you bought it we don’t have a clue if its yours or joint. I can however point out someone that should know this: Your solicitor.

Your fear of her rich parents: Since you don’t want the house if you divorce… what difference does the source of your money for the house make? If her parents weren’t there then how would this go: you would put the house on market, sell it and divide the proceeds in accordance to how the divorce would go. You would end up with XXX in your account and your wife possibly with YYY in her account. What difference does it make if the XXX you get is from Mr and Mrs Smith or from her mom and dad?

The custody? Once again – your solicitor. Chances are it’s 50/50 by default. At 3 child-care is an option and in 2 years school. Single parents and divorced deal with this every day.

Again on divorce and finances: The house is only one aspect. What about pension rights, spousal support, savings and so on. It’s seldom simply taking each and every item and dividing by two. It’s a complex formula of the total assets, total debts, and an equitable division. Once again: solicitor.

I would hear from your solicitor how best to go about divorce and what to expect. Not because you plan to file, but I think that if both YOU and YOUR WIFE are in reality-land and not in fear or mom-and-dad-will-save-me-land it could put the correct amount of seriousness into your attempts to move on.

I don’t think the seriousness of the situation is clear to either you or your wife.

Look – Imagine these two scenarios:
Imagine a tight-rope 20 foot long about six inches above the floor. You have never walked a tight-rope before but 20 feet isn’t that far and six inches not really a serious fall… You might doubt you can do it but I’m guessing you would be willing to give it a try. If you fail you can always try again and again. To me that’s the attitude I sense from both on you regarding your marriage and even the talk about divorce.

Now imagine the same rope, only now the fall is 30 feet…
I am 99% certain that if you were forced to walk that rope you would do so with more thought, intensity and focus than when it was six inches off the ground. After all the fall is that high there is no guarantee you can have another try.

I think you two need to adapt the mentality and attitude of the second scenario: That there is serious risk in not succeeding and each attempt needs to be done with utmost concentration and seriousness. As is it sounds like you two are fantasizing about an imagined divorce and a way to individually "win" reconciliation.

My therapist suggested if we wanted to move ahead we shouldn’t go over all the failings of the relationship but discuss what we want and needed moving ahead.

Totally agree.
First of all her infidelity wasn’t because of the shortcomings of the relationship. It was because of HER shortcomings. ANYTHING the relationship led to could have been handled in a less damaging way. Even if she had demanded divorce it would be less damaging. She DECIDED to cheat. Looking for the why in the relationship is like trying to explain why she was justified in shooting you in the head with a shotgun due to your poor dental hygiene.

Right now focusing on the past doesn’t give you a reason to move forwards. What your therapist is suggesting is that you envision the future. Not necessarily with her, but how you see the future and how she sees the future and if you have the same vision. If you discover you have that combined view you can start working out how to get there.

– she will get custody of my child (she is not working). I think half is fair.

I'm not sure how it works in the UK, but here in the US custody is usually about 50/50 unless there is some over-the-line egregious issue happening (like drugs) that would pose harm to the child. I would say to ask your solicitor about it.

– she has rich parents and they want to buy out my part of the house - i cant afford to do this - as they argue its best for our child to stay there. I paid for that house myself, thats where the affair happened, and I dont want her to get this. Can i say no or could that come down to the courts?

Again, not sure of how things work in the UK, but if she (or her parents) can afford to keep it, she likely will. But I will say the same to you as I do to all people setting off on a divorce - what price freedom? I get that her keeping the house isn't fair, but neither is it in your best interest to fight her on and stay tangled up with her longer than you have to. And if they have to buy you out of it, that's money in your pocket.

– Ive lost my comforter and closest friend. I will want to fill that void, but think dating straight away feels wrong in this mindset. Any advice on how to deal with that.

Please don't date right now. I don't think you're ready. And honestly most of the quality women I know wouldn't date someone who's not divorced yet, and if you met a great gal it isn't fair to her for you to still be tangled up with your ex. Just know that if you're wanting to date then single will be a temporary state for you, but get done with your D first!

– Its very crass, but the thought of no sex for a while is tough. But maybe its best for me to recover on that area as she screwed my head up so badly. I also fear wanting to go back to her for that.

You are screwed up right now. And that's okay. It takes time to process everything. Just keep working on your healing. You owe it to YOU to use this time to make you the best version of yourself. Trust me - time you spend on yourself now will do nothing but good things for you in the future.

As for going back to her... My friend she is a bad habit now. The only way to kick the craving is to go cold turkey. And you know it will suck for a while, but it won't suck forever.

– Im not sure what’s best for me, to go to my parents house, or stay in the house - its a horrible situation.

Talk to your solicitor about this too before you make any decisions. You don't want to be seen as abandoning your house or anything like that.

I will also say that D is tremendously scary. It's a huge change and your fears are completely normal. But when I was going through it, most of the things that I feared would happen didn't come to pass (and that seems to be a pretty common outcome - check out the fear vs reality thread in the D/S forum). And life after D is so calm, and peaceful, and predictable... getting here was worth all of it!

how should i deal with the couples therapy later this week? I can either tell her then or not. It feels quite cold saying it in front of a therapist. But equally would help us discuss it without yelling at each other. And also discuss some practical measures with advice from a professional. Its hard to book these sessions, so the next one may not be for a few weeks.

I think starting the D discussion with your therapist there is a great idea.

My therapist suggested if we wanted to move ahead we shouldn’t go over all the failings of the relationship but discuss what we want and needed moving ahead.

Absolutely. If you were to go ahead with R, your best bet, IMO, would be to define your new M and deal with issues as they come up. Anything important from the past will surface to be dealt with, but lots of issues that seemed important in the old M will just disappear. Save your energy for the issues that do arise.

But you say you want to D, and you've felt better over the past few days because you lean towards D. That sense of relief is a big green flag for D. (Actually, I see a giant red flag - the red I use in celebrations.) If it persists a while longer, you'll know it's what you want.

But my reco is to make sure you're not choosing D out of fear. My reco is to make sure you feel good about D. You are making a decision that will affect decades of your life - you want a good decision, not a fast one.

I think the CC session is a great place to come clean about your thinking. You'll both have the protection the C provides, at least potentially.

Being honest is the only way to R. It's the best way to get from the pain of being betrayed to joy. So be honest.

1. Should i leave it more time to think about this? after all my mind changes a lot in this process. Its been a few days of me feeling this but months now since finding out.

Take whatever time you feel is needed. It's a major decision with life changing impacts no matter which way you go. Many people take YEARS in limbo to make a real final decision. What's more, if you choose R, it doesn't take D off the table. It just means you are attempting to repair and reconcile together. Might turn out you can't.

2. how should i deal with the couples therapy later this week? I can either tell her then or not. It feels quite cold saying it in front of a therapist. But equally would help us discuss it without yelling at each other. And also discuss some practical measures with advice from a professional. Its hard to book these sessions, so the next one may not be for a few weeks.

Marriage therapy this soon after DDay is usually a mistake that results in blame-shifting and re-traumatization. "What did you do that led her to having an A?"

3. Divorce takes a long time. We live in wales in the UK, any advice people have on starting the process? my solicitor advised me before handing her the form to officially start the process i tell her and discuss it and the terms without solicitors. How long should i leave it. Here you have 6 months before you cant claim divorce on infidelity if youre still living together.

Start right away, I would think. Unless it's much different over there, you can always choose to stop the lengthy process and stay married instead. I would discuss this rather than go to MC (marriage counseling).

4. I dont want to be driven by fear anymore. So i need to address them. My current fears are:

– she will get custody of my child (she is not working). I think half is fair.
– she has rich parents and they want to buy out my part of the house - i cant afford to do this - as they argue its best for our child to stay there. I paid for that house myself, thats where the affair happened, and I dont want her to get this. Can i say no or could that come down to the courts?
– Ive lost my comforter and closest friend. I will want to fill that void, but think dating straight away feels wrong in this mindset. Any advice on how to deal with that.
– Its very crass, but the thought of no sex for a while is tough. But maybe its best for me to recover on that area as she screwed my head up so badly. I also fear wanting to go back to her for that.
– Im not sure what’s best for me, to go to my parents house, or stay in the house - its a horrible situation.

As always much appreciate all your help.

Go to the "fears vs. reality" thread in the Divorce/Separation forum.

1) I don't know enough about UK cutody laws
2) I wouldn't want to live in that house anymore. Sell it to them at or above market value (no family discount). Tell them they wouldn't have to do this if your wife didn't cheat on you. Honestly, that's a relatively easy way out and give your kids stability.
3) Go out with your buddies. Any of them able to support you?
4) This one is tough to be honest. Have a wank I guess. Maybe buy a nice toy for men. You might be surprised what's out there.
5) It's up to you, but if I wanted out, I would get out. Not stew in it.

Good luck with everything.

Something to think about. Not too long ago a question was asked of the posters if any of them regretted divorce. Not one did. There are people who waited too long but finally pulled the pin.

Thanks All. Honestly some of the insight here is invaluable and i really appreciate it

Some things i found really helpful…

"If she’s your ex then you don’t really have any say on where she lives or whom she lives with or whatever. "

So true.

"when I was going through D, most of the things that I feared would happen didn't come to pass And life after D is so calm, and peaceful, and predictable... getting here was worth all of it!"

This is exactly what i needed to hear!

" Sell the house to them at or above market value (no family discount)"

Great idea. Im not sure if I can set the price or say no technically, if the courts decide its best for the child…need to look into this.

"a question was asked of the posters if any of them regretted divorce. Not one did. "

Yeah i have a few friends that I could confirm that too. And i use them as my inspiration.

–––

We spoke today and i told her how i feel, and that i want to use the the joint session to discuss the potential avenue of divorce and how that would look. She got emotional but accepted and understood it. Im glad i did say it before our session - i feel hopefully she can register that before we talk. I felt sick before telling her but now have a peace that i have, and actually feel a positive sense of closure. Of course i still worry ive only been feeling this way for a few days, but the sense of peace gets stronger each day.

I wrote out some Positives to focus on:

- I have amazing friends and family
- My child and how i know im a great dad to them
- I am happy in myself. My body, my thoughts, not needing to change to make anyone happy. This has been a bit struggle over the last few months, where all my confidence was originally gone. There will be people out there like me who understand what real love is.
- I can fully focus on myself, work and building relationships that benefit me.
- I am much stronger from this and know i can deal with my problems head on.
- A new start based on what and who i really want be
- No more having to ask deep searching questions of her
- No more having to worry about whether he is around still, or whether she still wants him.
- No more having to bite my tongue about all her bad qualities and accept my unhappiness
- She finally has to deal with consequences of her selfishness

I wrote out some Positives to focus on:

Congratulations! This is critical. Stay focused on these. You will find a lot of others, including that YOU are a good person, and the future will allow you to find someone who is worthy of you (if you so choose).

You are starting to take control of your life and that is also very important. Continue to do what you need to do to heal yourself.

Keep in mind the longer you take to make a decision the longer you keep yourself in limbo.

No one has that power but you.