SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Seven years ago yesterday I joined SI . I had been lurking for a while...trying to understand all the danged abbreviations . (If you click on "The Healing Library" you will see a list of the abbreviations). I was a little over two months past Dday when I joined...and in desperate need of some HELP. Since no one else in our family or friend circle knew about my H's A...the ONLY person I could talk to about it was the person who put me in infidelity HELL .

One day...when I was having suicidal thoughts...I was researching how to survive infidelity...and this site came up . What a Godsend!!! My life slowly but surely started getting more sane...and I give ALL the credit to the wonderful ANGELS on here who sent me encouragement and HOPE . God was speaking to me through THEM...and their words were like water for my parched soul...I soaked everything in!

I looked at my profile today...and what I wrote way back then differs somewhat from how I feel now. I cringed when I saw the word "mistake" in there! I learned very quickly on here that my H did not make a mistake when he had his A. He made a CHOICE to look for NSA sex while working alone overseas. The mistake he made was in thinking he could keep this secret from me!

Also...I had read other articles that said some marriages get stronger after affairs. I took it to mean that the affair can make a marriage stronger...and I wrote that also in my profile. NO! There is NOTHING about my H's affair that made our marriage anything but OVER. I have come to realize that EVERY affair is a dealbreaker. PERIOD. The M we had was NEVER going to come back to where it was. However...we COULD make a new deal . There were new parameters...new goals...new perspectives to this new deal. WE worked HARD at what I like to call our Mv2.0..and from THAT...our M became stronger .

All of this took TIME...which the vets on here said was needed. I couldn't fathom back then that it would take this much time!! But these wise people kept letting me know that this was a marathon...not a sprint . I am a little slower than most in my healing...but I saw that there was progress...and that kept encouraging me .

There were also times when I felt this was all so UNFAIR!! I would get exhausted trying to get through the minefield of triggers without setting them off. WHY did this happen to ME ???!!! Yes...I wallowed in that self pity pit for WAY too long...until I realized that wasn't going to get me anywhere. I HAD to learn what I needed to do to HEAL. Failure was NOT an option. So I got myself out of that muck and started working on ME. Ahhhhhh...that was when things started getting better .

I am now to the point that I finally get what I have read others say on here...My H's A was NOT about ME. Now THAT bit of advice was very hard for me to swallow at first. OF COURSE it was about ME!!! How could it NOT be about ME???!!! I was the one who was DESTROYED...BROKEN...never to be WHOLE again while THEY were able to relive memories of THEIR fabulous time "playing house". The whole time THEY were together...they were LAUGHING at me for my gullible way of believing and trusting my H when he told me I was being silly for feeling that something was OFF between us . THEY PLAYED ME...and I was too stupid to realize how THEY were manipulating me. I could go on and on with this. It HAUNTED me for months.

This year something changed though . I went through A season without much pain...looking at it through an analytical lens. I have finite times...not estimates...of when THEY were together because of my H being overseas. He had to keep detailed records for his expenses...hours he worked...etc. in order to get paid. I looked at the evidence I had gathered years ago...reviewed it as if looking at a stranger's profile. A whole new picture appeared in my head of THEM during this time. THEY didn't play ME...THEY PLAYED EACH OTHER !!! I could see the manipulation from each of them in the places they went...the time they spent together...even where they had sex. Even though it was torture years ago to "see" their A through all the time stamped receipts...phone calls...emails...etc...it was quite fascinating to really LOOK at these dates and times without the emotional pain involved. THEIR "relationship" was all FAKE!!!

I saw what I was doing back then as well . There was NOTHING fake about ME . I was a loving wife who was giving her husband TRUST. I haven't changed my core! I was NOT destroyed...just battered. I was NOT broken...just bent. I never lost ANY piece of ME!! I couldn't see it then because of all the PAIN but I sure can see it so clearly now ! My battered psyche has healed . I straightened that bent part back up and I am standing TALL again! Well...as tall as someone a little over 5 feet can stand !!! I found the parts of me that I thought were gone forever...and I shined them back up to GLEAMING...better than ever !!

I can't speak as eloquently as some of the Angels who helped me on here...but I can say for certain that I SURVIVED infidelity...and THRIVED despite it . If I can do it...ANYONE can !!! THANK YOU to everyone who has helped me on this journey. I truly appreciate ALL that the wonderful people on SI have done!! Here's to another 7 years...of being HAPPY AGAIN !!!

What a great update!

I love your positivity and encouragement

I'm so happy for you, and I want to be here so bad.

WalkinOnEggshelz ...thank you!! I am honored to have you post on my thread !! You helped ME so much in understanding things from a Wayward's perspective in the posts that you made way back when . I really appreciate all that YOU do for this wonderful site!!

Felix12306 ...thank you! You are exactly where you NEED to be right now Dear Lady (((HUGS))). You do not want to rush this...or rugsweep it. Honestly...I did just that from my 1st M after I caught my 1st H cheating...and all it brought me was another Dday when I caught him with a different adultery co-conspirator about 2 years later . You would think I would have said ENOUGH at that point...but I didn't want to feel that pain. This is one path where we can't rush the outcome. However...your posts are very insightful and show more maturity than I did when I was first on here . I can ASSURE you though that you WILL heal...there IS hope...and life CAN be very GOOD again !!!

What an awesome post! Cheers to you!

Great, positive post. Congratulations on the work you have done to get you to where you are!

Charity411...thank you!

Bigger...thank you! I feel a little intimidated...like I am replying to a celebrity on here . YOU are definitely one of those Angels I needed to listen to!! THANK YOU for staying on here and HELPING so many people...more people than you probably even realize...with your wise posts .

Neat! Congratulations!

sisoon...thank you!

Great post!!! I have always referred to you as the calm in the storm. The one thing you have helped me realize is how truly pathetic the A was. Early on, I put a lot of effort in competing with the AP. You showed me how it was 2 broken people trying to make something from nothing. They were lying to themselves and each other. Her A was awkward and full of anxiety. There is no competition and with that understanding my self esteem improved greatly and the triggers became more manageable. I appreciate everything you have done for me and my W.

Emoji Blast

Tanner... aww ...thanks Coozann for the emoji blast !!! I couldn't believe what I was seeing...right before my eyes all this time...how MUCH manipulation there was in my H's A...on BOTH sides . Here I was thinking how THEY were playing ME...and had this connection. But there was absolutely NO connection...and the playing was all done to EACH OTHER !!!

I used to think of it as a curse to be able to "see" all of the interactions going on from the evidence I had. But now it is a huge BLESSING . What I thought about THEM in the beginning was ALL in my head...like the movies are made of...pure fantasy. The REALITY was lost on all of us in this drama triangle at first. But the TRUTH always comes out...and the TRUTH sure set me FREE !!

You are so right Cuz...there truly is no competition. An A starts when a broken person puts out feelers until they find another broken person...it can only be LOSE-LOSE. However...having an R where BOTH spouses are ALL IN...it ALWAYS turns out to be WIN-WIN !!!

Soooooooooo happy to read your post.

Your H is VERY lucky to have you...I hope he knows that!!!!!

WhatsRight...YOU were one of my first Angels !!! Thank you so much for honoring me with your post...and I believe my H knows .

I have memorized your tagline quotes...and I often thought about these two wonderful ladies who said them . I read about your struggles...and I picture you as them. I KNOW you have the attitude that will overcome the struggle du jour. I PRAY that one day you will have PEACE Dear Lady .