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I’m not sure true reconciliation is possible for me but I’m curious what were your “must haves” to even attempt to do so, what actually worked, what didn’t work, what do you wish you did differently etc.

True remorse. That’s it really. Obviously I had to give it time to see if he continued to show remorse. But his remorse has been the main factor. When we decided to try to R he made a decision that he had to be all in if he came back. At first I found it hard to believe that this loving, attentive act was real, but as the months went on I realised he’s not that good an actor. We’ve been in R for 27 months and the ‘act’ hasn’t slipped.

Obviously on top of that I needed to feel heard and seen and given the space to grieve what had happened. But other than odd bad days he’s been there with me, helping me through the painful triggers and trauma and showing how much he cares.

I’m sure others will have other ideas, but that is all that has really mattered to me.

I’m happy to hear that is working for you! Did you ask for complete transparency?

Complete NC.

Total transparency.

Complete honesty, about all things, even if it's not about the affair.

Drop the friends who knew, and encouraged the affair.

Std testing.

Accountable for his time, when not with me, for a period of time.

IC. He needed to figure out why he debased himself,why he thought he was entitled to an affair. I refused to have another dday. He either figured his shit out,beyond the "I was stupid/selfish" surface excuse, or it was over.

He became more present with our children. During the affair, they weren't a priority. Anything less than him being completely present was absolutely unacceptable.

He answered all of my questions, honestly, for as long as I needed to question him, without anger or defensiveness.

He becomes proactive in healing the damage he caused himself, and me.

I did not require true remorse. I don't think that's something you can tell a WS they better be, or no R. I believe it's something they easier are, or they're not. If they're not, then nothing on my list would matter, because there would be no R. You can't R with an unremorseful WS.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:56 AM, July 7th (Wednesday)]

I had to have someone who owned their poor choices completely, took charge of their healing and made the changes needed to be a better, safer partner.

I think the two toughest parts of R are two people willing to be vulnerable with each other after the relationship has been burned back down to zero.

The BS has to learn to trust themselves and that they will be able to eventually — and I do mean eventually — let the WS back in to their heart.

The WS has to be patient and understand they have to take the chance to be vulnerable again, despite fighting the shame that occurs with those bad choices and hurting their spouse.

What would I do different?

I would have focused on the fact that my wife’s poor choices are a reflection of her issues and nothing to do with me. I got there, but my healing would have happened sooner if I understood this sooner.

I didn’t ask for anything b/c I was not giving one second to Help a cheater Reconcile.

He had to figure it out on his own. And he did. All of it.

And in 8 years I have not had any doubts.

Success!!!!

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:53 PM, July 7th (Wednesday)]

The BS has to learn to trust themselves and that they will be able to eventually — and I do mean eventually — let the WS back in to their heart.

This may be the toughest part. My WW burned my trust to zero, then kept going into deep negative territory. She took whatever affection I had left and stomped on it. Then, aside from never being truly transparent and failing her poly, she started doing everything else right.

She seemed to realize she had utterly destroyed what we had, woke up in a panic and decided to see if she could single handedly restore it.

Essentially she became the perfect wife, showering me with sex and attention and gifts and acts of service, and taking on her shoulders most of the household management. She seems to want me to look at all of that and decide it’s a better deal than leaving — and as if by magic my love for her (true, authentic, man-woman romantic love) will return to full flower.

Others have given you a good list or outline, but ultimately you will have to decide if you can move back to authentic love for your wayward spouse. Without it, reconciliation is a mirage. As for me, I’m stuck in “I love you but I’m not in love with you” and all of the amazing Stepford wife stuff can’t seem to move the needle on that.

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:12 PM, July 7th (Wednesday)]

He did lots of what he was "supposed" to do but he could not handle my triggers with love and compassion. There was other stuff but that was the biggest thing that couldn't ever really get me to feel comfortable with truly considering reconciling.

In our relationship I was always the strong one & when I needed him to be there for me he wouldn't. Or couldn't? Doesn't matter which, the result is the same - I didn't get what I needed to heal.

Evidence that my WS had a core change - that he recognized and "fixed" the very part of himself that could allow such disregard for the family he purported to love so much. Infidelity for me revealed a sub-person lurking underneath what I thought was the kindest most generous person I had ever met. The shattering of all that I thought I knew to be true was pure devastation. I needed to know who was the true person I married and getting to the other side of his core fixes would tell me who was there. He has emerged but not without much more damage than was necessary to get there.

So what would I have done differently? I would have been MUCH firmer at the outset (like everyone advises) of my requirements. While I did set clear parameters just 24 hours after d-day - either AP or the family - after that I was too much into his needs rather than my own and that gave him too much wiggle room that ended up hurting me and our daughter.

I had decided immediately after my H confessed to his A that our M was over. However...my H's actions right after that made me wonder if our M was truly over. I was alone in our bedroom...while I told him to message the adultery co-conspirator so that they could begin their life together because ours was over. While there...I started thinking about ultimatums. I figured IF he truly wanted R...he would be willing to do what I felt I needed. If he wasn't willing...then he truly didn't want R. I was going to get what I needed either way. Limbo is its own special kind of HELL...and I wasn't going to be in limbo like I had been in my 1st M with a cheater.

I didn't have many ultimatums...but they would be easy for my H to do IF he truly wanted R. The 1st one was to be done immediately....send a NC message to the adultery co-conspirator...then NEVER have contact with her again. NEVER.

2nd...two times a month my H was going to have to PLAN an evening out together that was just for ME. Not something HE would want...something he knew I would want. I told him he had been selfish for most of our M and he was going to do this UNselfish thing for me.

3rd...the next year...during the anniversary of their "firsts"...such as first date...first kiss...etc...he was going to have to plan and bring ME on a fabulous vacation that would combat all of those dates in my head.

There were the other things such as transparency...disclosure...timeline.

Honestly...the way my H was...I didn't think he would do these things...especially as an ULTIMATUM from me. He was always the "taker" in our M and I was the "giver". I was never one to force anything on him. What I didn't know was that when he was in the living room alone...he told himself that IF I gave him another chance...he would do whatever I wanted...as long as he could be with me. If I had known that...I could have given him MORE ultimatums !!

The 1st ultimatum was done immediately...without ANY hesitation. The only thing I would have done differently is that I would have had my H make his NC message short and to the point like it is recommended on here. I didn't know about SI at that point. My H wrote a message to the adultery co-conspirator to let her down easy...and that was a mistake. She kept trying to contact him for 5 months after that because she felt he still cared for her from the message he sent.

The 2nd ultimatum was awkward at first. My H was doing ELABORATE evenings...but after letting him know it didn't have to be quantity...just quality...he got better . He did so well in fact with this that we stopped this ultimatum because he started ENJOYING doing for me and does it way more than twice a month...WIN-WIN!! I didn't realize how I was depriving my H of the JOY in giving by always being the giver!

The 3rd ultimatum...WOW ! By this time...we had been in our M version 2.0 for a year...and my H really outdid himself! We went on a train ride with our own private berth...a FIRST for us! It brought us to a city we had never been to before! We did so MANY "firsts" ourselves during that vacation . I have to say that it was HARD to go through the motions knowing what was happening just one year earlier. But EVERY year after that...I have awesome memories to combat the horrible memories of what was actually happening in my M from the year before. I believe THIS has helped me heal much faster .

It is often said on here that BOTH spouses have to be ALL IN in order for reconciliation to happen. I couldn't be all in at first...I needed to see my H's actions over his words. As time went on and he proved to be true to his words by his actions...it made it easier for me to start to trust him again. I will never have the blind trust like I once had...but that really isn't a bad thing .

"How to help you spouse heal from your affair" is a good book, quick read.

I didn’t ask for anything b/c I was not giving one second to Help a cheater Reconcile.

He had to figure it out on his own. And he did. All of it.

Love this response.

@imjustagirl sorry for the late reply! I did expect full transparency. As far as I’m concerned that goes along with true remorse. If he’s s truly remorseful he’ll want to do the right thing. So, complete NC, full transparency etc. He’s put Life360 on our phones so we can always see where the other is. He texts when we’re apart, which was. Big bugbear previously. He’ll answer any questions I have, and helps me through triggers.

[This message edited by Chicklette at 2:17 AM, July 11th (Sunday)]

I spelled everything that I needed to just consider trying in a list. I've since lost it. It didn't cover everything. He did meet me at the door with my list. I ran over a prize bicycle.....he said he'd fix it, like he'd fix us. For the most part we're in a much, much better place. But, it is SO hard. My heart goes out to you.

NC - he broke it the first week and said "goodbye". MC said that is SUPER normal and chewed him out for it.

IC - we both did.

MC - and following their advice. Or showing me that he's genuinely trying to follow it closely (no one can be perfect all the time)

Complete transparency with devices.

Complete honesty.

Showing that he's on my/our side.

Not getting defensive during triggers. - that took a lot, because I really went into unabashed attack mode. I had to learn not to. He still winces, like he's been slapped if I mention her name or the A.

Deep, genuine, remorse/regret and just enough shame in the beginning to recognize the deep hurt he caused.

Willingness to dig deep into why.

Willingness accept responsibility and own it.

Willingness to be the driving force in reconciliation. I'm not doing the work for him. I have to fix me with or without him. I do have my part to work on our marriage - but clearly acknowledging that he broke something amazing.

I was an utter mess early on post DDay. Almost 2 1/2 years later I still have the odd day where I really, really struggle. Early on I couldn't eat. I lost nearly 30 lbs that first month. I didn't ask for it, but he cooked, cleaned, and generally took care of me. I couldn't function. He never complained. When I tried to do these things on my own, he stepped in and said it was one thing that he could do that I couldn't disbelieve.

Later - continued, obvious good intent toward me and our marriage. Making plans for new happy memories. Reclaiming places. Positive surprises.

I'll not sugar coat it. Early on he seemed more resentful that I'd taken away his new toy than genuinely remorseful. He could recognize the shallowness of the A and wanted no part of that for a future. That being said, he had to unfortunately work through grieving that relationship. It took about 2 months for it to feel like he might be all in. Of course, I didn't trust that for a very long time. Still don't completely.

Unfortunately I run into the OW all the time. I asked when we do together, which happens... We came up with a plan where he checks in with me and shows some kind of genuine physical affection (PDA). To me, if felt like some weirdly loyal thing to reinforce.

NOT.FIXING.ME. Not telling me, if I just think a certain way all will be well, etc.

Almost forgot:

Post nuptial agreement…did that early. Made him draft it and then made it more advantageous to me with an all bets are off for any future infidelity.

I said I’d give it 3 yrs of work. Our kiddo was 15 Dday and I felt like if we couldn’t fix it before he fledged…:I’d have felt that I tried my best, but wasn’t sticking around after that.

Also not going to sugar coat it. There are days that I’m not sure I love him enough to get through it. Though, I think that might be a normal long term relationship thing.

[This message edited by Ladybugmaam at 3:46 PM, July 11th (Sunday)]