SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's weird that I'm posting this here. Except maybe I feel like the folks here have experience with trauma and can help me?

I'm overwhelmed, I'm anxious. I'm drowning in anxiety. I feel like everyone thinks I'm crazy. I took my son to a new daycare/camp for the first time today and I am certain they think I'm crazy. My son looks and acts normal to a casual observer but he's actually having many seizures per day, but you won't see them unless you know what you're looking for . . . and even if you see them they don't look like a big deal. But I remember the gut punch of his neurologist telling me his EEG was "very abnormal" every day. I look at his adorable face and I know his brain is constantly misfiring but it looks like he is FINE and I feel like a crazy person for worrying. Every time I have to tell people (caretakers, coaches) about his epilepsy I feel like they think I'm nuts. I want them to pay attention and be vigilant but also to treat him like everyone else.

I feel like I was already pretty nuts from the trauma of four miscarriages and my psychologically abusive cheating ex. Then the epilepsy diagnosis knocked us all out - I felt like I was just getting my feet under me and then COVID hit and we were all here in this small house and I was working from home with everyone here and trying to emotionally support my children and be a good girlfriend all while being a model employee because I don't want to get fired and it's just too much, I didn't have child care for the spring and summer, had it for a couple months in the fall and lost it again. Working from home with both kids in the house. I NEED to be able to work from home at least part of the week so I can't let on how much harder it is but omg yeah it is.

I've become obsessed with things being perfect. If someone is coming over (like my son's tutor) I will kill myself getting the house perfect beforehand and still worth that I'm being judged. I feel like I can never compete with married parents and my rich narcissist ex. I constantly feel like a failure. I feel pulled in a million directions.

I signed up for betterhelp because I knew I was losing it but I eventually just cancelled because I had had to reschedule sessions with my counselor so many times because as soon as I scheduled a session, a work conflict would pop up. It just became another source of stress.

I told my boyfriend tonight that I feel like I'm losing it and he said the fact that I'm questioning my sanity means that I'm saner than I think but honestly he's giving me too much credit. I've called the neuro's office with the same questions multiple times and I can't remember the answers. I ask the same questions repeatedly in my epilepsy groups. I feel like I cannot process the answers. Also my 11yo has been talking to me about Roblox the ENTIRE TIME I've been typing this incoherent rant and y'all I just want to go somewhere by myself and not speak to anyone for like a week.

I don't even know what I'm asking for. What do you do when you just feel stretched thin and not human anymore? When you need help to heal but don't have the resources to get that help?

First—-on the epilepsy—I totally get it! I had a coworker with seizures all day that no one could see. Hers ended up being increased by the fluorescent lights at the grocery store where we worked! While on vacation-away from fluorescent lights- for 2 solid weeks, her seizures all but stopped, until she came back to work. She also could not have the TV on in her house, and couldn’t play video games-it all added up to increasing the invisible seizures.

When you have a special needs child, most everything in the house comes to a stop, I found out. I switched to paper plates, cups, etc for several years. Simplify in every way for the next few years.

Does betterhelp do evening or weekend appts? That’s going to really help, if so.

Here are some ideas to mull over that my organized friends have shown me that really help!

Simplify, simplify, simplify!

You’re not going to believe what a game changer it is to look in your fridge to see what you need while ordering your groceries, then pulling up to get your groceries. It’s truly a game changer. My friend orders her groceries on Wed night and schedules the pickup Friday at noon. My other friend has them delivered to her front door at 8am Sat!

My grandmother had a cleaning lady all thru the depression. Why did we ever stop this? My friend recently told me she realized if she tried to do it all, she was gonna need therapy, which costs more than a cleaning lady. Can you imagine taking your children to a nature trail on Sun afternoon and your house is clean 2 hours later when you get back? Plus, you let a person who loves to clean a livelihood. Just an idea.

((JanaGreen))

I completely agree with homewrecked on the cleaning lady and the paper plates. I fully intend to hire a housekeeper once my divorce is final. And I have been known to use paper plates at least once a week at my house. I do it on those days I just feel stretched thin and can't bear to do the dishes.

One other thing that helps me feel mentally calm, decluttering. Every couple of months I go through my house. I'll pick a closet, or a drawer, or a room and really make hard decisions about what to keep and what to toss/donate. It always surprises me how much better I feel afterward.

And I understand the therapy becoming more of a hassle, just one more thing to squeeze into your schedule. What about a meditation app on your phone. Listen to a guided meditation before bedtime at night, or even for 3 minutes in the middle of the day. Many apps have categories for less than 5 minutes if you are pressed for time.

You are definitely not crazy. This is all just regular life stuff. Everyone has their stuff. Sometimes after going through what we have been through on this site, especially with a narc ex, it feels like we are always keeping things in check. Always preventing things from bubbling over. I can relate to that. Sometimes it's easier done than other times. Sometimes it feels just plain overwhelming.

I hope this is just a temporary way for you, and that you feel better soon. Once again, you are not crazy. (((JanaGreen)))

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 7:19 AM, June 23rd (Wednesday)]

Thanks ladies. Full disclosure, I was extremely sleep deprived when I typed all that out. After a decent night of sleep I feel a lot better.

I'm extremely fortunate that my boyfriend does all the meal planning for the week, grocery shopping, and cooks dinner almost every night. That is an enormous help and that probably saved my sanity LOL. I did have a wonderful lady coming in once a month to clean, but when my kids had to leave daycare and we were home all the time, that didn't work anymore because she couldn't exactly clean with all of us home. But once the kids get back into school, and I'm not paying the extra money for a babysitter for the days that I do need to go into the office, it is probably doable to get her back in if she can fit us in her schedule. That is a really good suggestion.

I think what had me so stressed out is that every time I have to disclose everything about my son's medical condition to a new person, it gets me in a bad mental state. The specific way his seizures manifest is from what I understand pretty unusual. It's just not really clear if they are going to get worse, if he's going to grow out of them, they're going to change, if it's going to affect how he is able to perform in school. It's just a big question mark at this point. It looks like childhood absence epilepsy from the outside, but on the inside that isn't what is actually happening. And look, I'm getting in the weeds again.

I slept 7 hours last night, my son woke up extremely excited and asking what they were going to do at camp today. Today I'm going to work from home with my daughter here, which is a world of difference from working from home with both of them here. Better mental state today.

I will definitely try the meditation app. Thank you!!!!

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 8:27 AM, June 23rd (Wednesday)]

Well I do think you should go to therapy! You are dealing with a lot. My son has high functioning autism and it is a lot mentally when your kid has special needs.

Could you type out a word document about his epilepsy? Just include allllll the details and maybe a summary at the bottom. Then when it is time to tell someone new you can give them a little brief convo and then hand them the paper with all of the details? Or it could just be bullet points even.

I also get INSANE about cleaning the house when I am stressed out. I told my therapist and she said it is because I am looking for something I can control. But then yes like you I see what else I could have done.

Therapy has been really good for me. I don't have to rehash every horrible thing that has happened in my life. We just talk about now and the future.

Hang in there lady! You have a lot going on. Of course you are overwhelmed. Exercise saves my sanity, if you could carve a little time out for a solo walk or a youtube workout video it might help, too!

I'm sorry about the situation with your son and his epilepsy. (((Jana)))

About you...

It sounds like you are trying to do too much, to be a perfectionist. Your solution, ironically, to your problems is to work even harder... which drives you even deeper down the rabbit-hole of insanity.

I'm overwhelmed, I'm anxious. I'm drowning in anxiety. I feel like everyone thinks I'm crazy.

Uh, yes. Please see a therapist. If nothing else, a therapist can help you feel less crazy.

When you need help to heal but don't have the resources to get that help?

First step: go easy on yourself. Everyone else seems perfect (rich narcissist ex, your parents, etc), but they are struggling too. We all are struggling.

Second step: Look around your life and let some things go. You can get back to them later (or not!). Your house doesn't have to be perfect.

Step three: Make sure to emphasize self-care. Get sleep. Eat well. Schedule "time off" when you can unwind, if you have to.

The other suggestion... if you are serious about seeing a therapist... look into RO-DBT. It's therapy targeting people who work too hard, basically what you are trying to do.

Hi Jana, I did not get a cleaner for years because I thought that money could be better spent, and also I was quite jealous of my space and I did not want to be judged for it etc. Then, two years ago, when I was absolutely drowning, I gave in and got a cleaner once a week. GAME CHANGER. It freed my weekends and I can now actually do more with my free time than just cleaning.

Something that helped me a lot was exercise. I started off with a daily 30 minutes walk and then decided to get myself a rowing machine. What those 20 minutes do is hard to describe. The tension literally evaporates! It has become something I actually look forward to every day.

Sorry to hear about your son, it must have been particularly hard on top of a pandemic that has already made us question everything else. I am with the others that you would benefit from some IC. It is important that you get the right kind of support to deal with this pretty major event in your life and and you should not procrastinate in getting it. You are lucky in that you have a good partner who helps around the house and supports you in other ways too. But this is the time to put yourself first.

(((Jana Green)))

Mama, you need a break. You are working yourself too hard! I promise that the tutor will not care how your house looks. But it's important to you that it looks good. You've had a hard life, and you need to have some time to yourself to relax. I'm not sure if you've tried going to counseling but it has really helped me heal from pain. Hugs to you!

I started therapy a month ago and just got back from my 4th appointment. Luckily, I'm still working at home and have the flexibility to go during the day but if you can at all work it out, GO. You're carrying so much; trust me, it'll help. It's so nice to hear that I'm not crazy and to work through things in a non-judgmental space. I don't know if I just got lucky my first time out of the gate, but I really like my counselor.

You do so much for everyone else; be sure to do for you, too.

Chiming back in again to say that I am back to going to IC once a week. 6 years post DDay. I may never fully stop going. 2 decades with a narc. Lots of unraveling to do.

Go, dear lady. You've been through a lot, and you are still shouldering so much. It's okay and essential that you do for you.

Jana,

Trauma brain and overwhelm are happening - you've got a lot going on. My boy also had seizures as a youngster - he grew out of them as most do. Same kind of thing absence seizures and constant misfiring. Looking back now, some 20 years after his diagnosis, I can't believe I survived all of the stress.

Simplify, as others have said - really simplify. Sleep and eat healthily and remind yourself that no one expects perfection - it's actually a little off putting. You're in the thick of it. It gets better.

I set a timer per my health coach and do 5 minutes of yoga.

Also I know I would do this for someone I knew so maybe there would be someone safe in your life willing to help you this way? But I would watch someone's children for an hour or two to help them get a nap or destress.

Maybe there are scholarships to camp or day camps opening up again or just a drop off at a gym to get some you time and a short stretch or walk on a treadmill. Or drop in care somewhere and a quick therapy call? You can do that anywhere private now days. Just brainstorming

((Jana))

I've become obsessed with things being perfect. If someone is coming over (like my son's tutor) I will kill myself getting the house perfect beforehand and still worth that I'm being judged. I feel like I can never compete with married parents and my rich narcissist ex. I constantly feel like a failure. I feel pulled in a million directions.

Oh man, you have so much going on. Of course you're stressed!

This part right here I can certainly relate to. I've been a single mom for most of my kids' lives and they're 20 and 17 now. That "my place isn't as nice" single-parent insecurity is real. We can't generally afford places as nice as a couple with two incomes can. We are the only adults in the house doing every single thing, so some things don't get done in a timely manner. The house is sometimes going to be looking very lived in. I remember how I hated how I'd feel when dropping my kid off for a sleepover at a nice place and taking them back home later to our little not-so-great apartment. I remember feeling less than. I worried that my kids would compare how they lived and how some of their friends lived. I felt awful about returning the kids to single-mom income life after I divorced my XWH. I know how my daughter feels about it now and that helps a lot. She says that she always preferred it when it was just us with no other parental or adult figure. We have a really strong bond that we wouldn't have developed had we been parental unit vs the kids. No, her bedroom isn't as big as it used to be and many of her friends have nicer houses, but it turns out that none of that reflected upon how she views my parenting or her family life.

No one is expecting us to be perfect other than ourselves. Take the pressure off, if you can. You're doing a kick ass job. This is hard stuff.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. Some things have happened this weekend to really sort of shift my perspective on what matters. My house being big and spotless? That ain't it.

Much love to you all!!!

Jana, try to learn that what you have done today is enough. If people want to judge you based on what you have or have not done that's their problem. Make sure you find time to do something just for you from time to time and as you already know get enough sleep.

I completely agree with writing the details out, though I would put the summary first. Ask them to read it and file it in your sons file. If you want to make it a bit more formal take two copies and have them sign a copy once they have read it for you to keep. Signing gives some implied responsibility so people are more apt to actually read and understand/focus on what was written.

I think writing out the details is a really good idea. It's just mentally and emotionally taxing to hash it over and over. That may be a moot point for a while, now that I've done the school thing and the camp thing and the psych eval thing and the genetic counseling thing. All those things required a bucket of forms, but I don't THINK anything else is on the horizon as far as paperwork.