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Very curious on where you were 2 years post dday?

We’re you good??? Miserable? Many triggers? Few triggers?

How was your WS 2 years post? Understanding that healing takes time? Understanding of triggers and very low moments?

Did you still think about the betrayal daily? Were you at forgiveness yet? Were you ok one day and filled with rage the next? Still in IC to help the healing process?

Let me know where you were mentally 2 years post.

We had moved to be close to her family and we had gone thru a second Dday with a different AP. I was fighting depression, sleeping in a different bedroom frequently and working a new [and rewarding] job I loved. We were really struggling and I was still in love with her so much but just torn apart every day. My heart hurt and the mind movies were never ending. We were close to becoming empty nesters and I was trying to find a way to renew the marriage and so forth. It was a time I try to block from my memory.

I am just over two years out, and wouldn't say I am miserable, but also not happy either, at least not with him or our relationship.

I would say he is mostly understanding of triggers and low moments, but do think sometimes his words give away a lot. He struggles to be empathetic in his responses and often says bonehead things that make things worse. He is still good at deflecting, minimizing and gaslighting, but will deny doing it.

I still think about it daily, and I don't think forgiveness will ever be on the table for me, to be honest. I get the whole it's not for him it's for me thing, but I honestly don't see myself ever really forgiving him.

I'm ok one day, filled with rage the next, and often question my choice to stay. I do feel like I am a much stronger person not just in the marriage, but in life and have seen positive changes in myself, so that has been good. Things like not backing down when people push back or try to dismiss me. Not doing that anymore.

Not in IC currently, but am thinking I need to go back.

So not broken like before, but not exactly whole either.

Some days I’m gone and others..:I feel like I’m in shock. Have you been seen a movie when someone iOS in complete shock and they just blank stare and they hear nothing and no one came get thru to them??? That’s me sometimes

I think my WS tries but always says things like..:I just want to move forward. Easy for the WS to say that and move on. They weren't the ones mentally destroyed. He would early ignore all this and just skip happily along I think.

Nowhere good.

I think I was up and down. I didn't feel a lot of anger, but I never did - my primary feeling was grief all along.

I was in the process of concluding R would succeed, but I was afraid to declare victory.

I thought about W's A daily - I think an 'of course' belong sin there somewhere.

W was in the early stages of healing herself, but she still hadn't lied since d-day, and being truthful makes it hard to violate ethics except for socio/psychopaths, I think.

Our M was pretty good ... we raised and resolved issues, we were happy to be together, we were still changing and deciding what to do next together.

I was still in IC; we were in MC.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:57 AM, May 25th (Tuesday)]

I was dumped on my dday. It was early December. Over Christmas, I hooked up with a new woman at a Christmas party and launched into a distracting but dysfunctional rebound relationship. I was out of that by the following New Year. In year 2 I was still running away from my trauma, now by juggling multiple women and engaging in disingenuous/dishonest behavior. By year 2 I was having a lot of sex but loathing it because of the tangled webs of deceit I was weaving. Year 2-1/2 it came to a head when I was confronted by several woman about spending my birthday with them. I stopped seeing women altogether and started living a healthy life.

Two years out I was in false R so that may have colored my mood. I intuitively knew something wasn't right but I thought it was just "part of the journey" so ignored.

I was much calmer, much less flooding, rarely cried. My triggers were mild and more easily managed. I was coming to terms with the fact that I would never love or look at him the same although some things had improved and were better than before so I hoped that would grow into a new love.

I still didn't trust and knew I never would completely trust again. This made me sad and I had this subtle feeling of being trapped. How could I live my best life when so much of my focus had to be on him? I wasn't fully present whenever I was out. I was living half a life and I knew it deep down.

Still had hope though and again thought this was part of the journey and could improve if we kept at it. Then another Dday and we are separated.

[This message edited by TheEnd at 12:23 PM, May 25th (Tuesday)]

7 months to go.

Things are pretty good right now and are improving. I'm still not "happily married" as I said in the last thread I started. But I'm feeling more content.

The weirdest thing right now is actually the repair of the friendship with the couple who I revealed the wife's A to the husband when I discovered it. We really weren't talking about their relationship at all, and had some pretty tight boundaries, but we are getting back to being closer friends and talking about these sorts of things again. It's hard to be a "friend of the M" for them when it doesn't seem like either is particularly happy and the H is now on anti-depressants (started them around their anti-versary). I do try to stay positive as long as they are attempting R.

Easy to say, "Not my problem". I try to look on the bright side that I'm not so consumed with my own problems I can think about other people's...

Maybe I can introduce the BH to this site now. I haven't done that yet.

EDIT to answer all the questions:

We’re you good??? Miserable?

Mostly good.

Many triggers? Few triggers?

Few triggers.

How was your WS 2 years post? Understanding that healing takes time? Understanding of triggers and very low moments?

I anticipate she will continue to be understanding.

Did you still think about the betrayal daily?

There are days I don't. Most I do.

Were you at forgiveness yet?

There is a lot of debate about what this means. Forgiveness is about the past. I believe I've forgiven. My concern is about the future based on actions from the past...

Were you ok one day and filled with rage the next?

I'm almost never filled with rage, sometimes to my own detriment. Ha.

Still in IC to help the healing process?

Once a month. Mostly though, I'm not focused on healing from the A anymore. It's more about general self-improvement. How to be a better man and father.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 1:21 PM, May 25th (Tuesday)]

..the word 'good' was no longer in my vocabulary.

..the words 'holy fucking shit' were in it a whole lot more.

I was in a 'hand basket'...yup... the one that went to hell!

"Did you think about the betrayal daily?" Is the Pope catholic??

Do bears shit in the woods??

Can anyone ever be 'normal?' again?

I'm still breathing... if that's any consolation prize.

Learning of OM's early demise went a long way towards increasing my laugh quotient in life.

Would love the opportunity to meet his younger brother Robin, face to face and I would laugh and laugh and then laugh some more.

I've heard lots of laughing is supposed to be healthy for us!

smy

Reconciled but still struggling over his attitude to D me for the OW.

I was probably at my lowest. I was avoiding spending time with him but would spend time with friends. Luckily I had good friends and an excellent therapist.

And then at Dday year 3 I stumbled across a Vidro on YouTube called Fault vs Responsibility by Will Smith the actor. Game changer for me.

I stoped waiting around for him to fix me - instead I addressed my issues and fixed myself. Best thing I ever did. I noticed a big change in me at year 3 after Dday.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:01 PM, May 26th (Wednesday)]

I will be 2 years at the end of summer.

She continues to do nothing of what I asked, and I am back and forth weekly about leaving.

I think she is tired of feeling bad for causing me this pain. She has been understanding but I think she is wearing thin. I have triggers and think about her affair everyday.

[This message edited by elKAPPYtan at 2:16 PM, May 25th (Tuesday)]

2 years post-D Day I discovered I was in False R and was in limbo until I decided to separate in 2019.

years post-D Day I discovered I was in False R and was in limbo until I decided to separate in 2019.

Thanks for the nightmare fuel.

Two years was in February. I was and continue to be struggling. I am no longer filled with the rage of the previous year. It’s been a long while since I physically attacked him. We are in MC and both IC. He has finally started to look really hard at the whys. He is owning how much damage he did. How the resentment he had been cultivating towards me was based in his own head not in our reality.

He has so much shame and regret. Most of the time he is patient with my slow healing. He is becoming a man of honour and integrity again. Even better than I thought he could be. He reaches out to me now instead of pulling away. It still takes time, but if I wait quietly, he gets in touch with his feelings and shares with me.

I am struggling with my self esteem and value. There are still too many triggers but he sits with me through them all. EMDR is helping. It’s still in my mind every day. But not every waking moment. I have moments of happy. I am even starting to wake up and it not be the very first thought in my head (though still the second). We have good days and bad days. Fewer days with me screaming. Lots of sex and we try to have fun.

I don’t feel like I am in survival mode so much anymore. I am beginning to sleep better and I gained a little of the weight I lost (damn pandemic baking). Hopefully running again will take care of that ten pounds.

I would prefer to project happiness to the world, right now I am just doing my best day to day and I don’t hide my bad days. I am forever changed by this betrayal. I am hoping he is too, so far so good. I will watch and see.

I look at forgiveness. Kind of with a side eye, like: I know it may be something in the future, but I’m not ready for it to be part of this yet.

Year one: disbelief, anxiety, destroyed

Year two: unbelievable rage and violence like I have never felt before (and so much shame for attacking him physically)

Year three (so far): sadness and self reflection. Standing up and putting myself back together. At least that’s where I hope it’s going.

Very curious on where you were 2 years post dday?

Between my 1st antiversary and 2nd antiversary of Dday...it was the hardest time for me . The shock had worn off about the A...and the reality that THIS was my M was hitting me HARD . I had hit the RAGE stage at about 6 months after Dday. This really scared me because I never knew WHAT was going to set off my anger. I researched about it and found out that anger is a secondary emotion...brought on by the primary emotion such as guilt...hurt...stuff like that. Once I was able to work on the primary emotion...the secondary emotion of anger became more calm. It subsided somewhere in between the 1st and 2nd antiversaries.

My H had told me that he would do whatever I needed him to do to help me heal. He kept forgetting he said that though when I would start flooding...and became very defensive at times . I kept REMINDING him of what he said...and it would bring him back to not being so defensive. I fought...for ME. I wasn't really too concerned about my H's feelings at that point. HE was going to stand by what he said...or he wasn't...and I would leave. Looking back now...I was probably a lot more harsh on him than I should have been...but when pain was all I saw...pain was what got dealt with.

After my 2nd antiversary...things started to slowly become clear that what I THOUGHT I had lost forever...might not be actually lost . I had been fighting triggers...and won...or as I like to say it...OWNED those trigger fights . As I started becoming ME again...I set out to see just how much of what I thought I lost could actually be gotten back . As it turns out...most everything was not really lost...just hidden away until I could feel again .

By my 3rd antiversary...I could definitely tell I was rounding a corner into a more peace filled life .

I still think about the affair daily...but it is not nearly as prevalent as before. It is more like an afterthought than anything...and it doesn't disrupt my life anymore.

I forgave my H very early on after Dday...but forgetting was a whole different issue. I quit saying that I hated HIM...and started saying that I hated what he DID. That was a HUGE difference in my mindset .

Neither of us had professional counseling. I did my own research into WHY I was feeling what I was...and of course...SI helped me so MUCH as well. I can truly say that I wouldn't be as far along in my healing if it wasn't for the WONDERFUL people on this site !!

I am in the middle of my 7th A season right now...and I can honestly say I am not having ANY issues at all . I still remember what THEY were doing during this time...but I also remember what WE were doing in the years following!! I made it a point to OWN these dates...and Thank God...owning them has does WONDERS in my healing !!!

So for me, 26 months out, I’m good with my life. No emotional angry triggers anymore. No more anger directed at my husband. What I do feel on occasion is pity and compassion for the stuff he did to me, to himself and to our families during his affair. So I guess in a way, I have forgiven his actions but I do not forget.

I’ve always said my husband is a clam when it comes to feelings. I can only guess that he still feels shame and remorse for all the upheavals he created with his choices. Though, like other ex waywards, he sure wants to forget about those 15 months! I know he cannot though. He will not go into therapy and that is ok with me. I went for IC to get help managing my emotions. That was one year ago. I have the tools to help me and my best friend to lean on.

Mentally I feel balanced. I feel grounded. I am grateful for our second chance.

Thank you!! What a wide range of emotions.

Some days I find wishing for year one…when I was I numb or in a fog. Where I used alcohol and shopping to numb. Year one….I think I actually felt ok…:but then after the one year anniversary…I ciried a lot or was angry.

2 year anniversary was February and I ngoni myself wondering if this is something I can live with ….with him. The pain is deep. The betrayal is deep. The wedge between us is deep and started well before his LTA. He created this wedge and clearly was ok with risking it all for absolutely nothing in the end. I find myself feeling more used than anything. Used to make him a better man. He had to personally destroy me to grow up and be a better man, husband and father. The longer I have to ponder all this, the more I think there may just not be anything here to save. I mentally checked out years ago. My marriage was a consistent disappointment, so I grew to expect that and depend onl no one but myself. Maybe if the marriage was good at the beginning then maybe something good could come from all this, but I was disrespected from day 1 of the marriage and shame on me for staying where I wasn't wanted.. although me states he has loved from day one and he was just very immature and selfish, I have a very hard time believing that someone who truly loves me would do 95% of the shit done to me thru the course of the marriage

In my mind, I feel like I am the one he settled for. The “moral” thing to do was to stay with wife and kids…even though having a mistress was less than a moral action. I read about other AP stating they still dreaming And missing the other person and I can’t help always wonder is he thinking of her, wishing I was her, wondering if he madethe wrong decision…to this..I’ll never know the answer. It’s just what my brain tells me

I just know at some point I need to be all in with R and trust he really is here for me and that I do believe loves me or I heal on myown.

I just didn’t think I’d be here 2 years ago. I was hoping to be divorced and happy or in a very successful R. Not still in limbo wondering who I am and scared of every thought I have.

Some days I wonder…how awesome would it be to be with some I’m not scared of….I could care less about sex at the moment. Bottom of my list…more of companionship and being free and vulnerable and trusting. Oh Ben never had that and wonder if my anxiety and me as a woman would be better off without this constant worry

Thanks for listening and SI. I’ve received so much suppprt and great advise and words of encouragement

At 2 years I was still up and down. We were in house separated. I was not a happy camper. I also was still dealing with health issues related to D day. I was reminded weekly, having to get a blood test for my blood thinner.

He was in IC and attending SA. He was in IC. We were having a monthly blowout. The blowout was because I refused to go to MC till his IC said he was ready. We were still doing a biweekly check in were I talked to his IC, to make sure Our realty was the same.

Hi @WantToBeHappy I'm so sorry you've had to go through the pain of betrayal and I do understand how you're feeling. For myself 2 years after DD although we were in R, I still had some triggers, I did still get angry sometimes but had chosen to forgive. The choice to forgive was a choice I had to make every day. Going through IC and MC was really beneficial for me, I think when you go through something like this, it can be very hard to process what has happened and how best to move forward by yourselves as emotions are quite intense

I want to encourage you to be gentle with yourself because healing of this type can take time but you will heal. Remember that you're worthy of love and importantly love that can be trusted. Also remember that people can change to be better versions of themselves, so my hope for you is that your husband is doing all he can in this direction and also that he is doing all he can to rebuild the broken trust. I think this will help you in your healing journey as it did for me.

Do consider IC if you haven't already, it's always good to have someone you can talk to who is solely there for you in helping you heal.

I'm always rooting for true R in marriages as it was for me and my H. So my prayer for you is that the near future will bring complete healing for your emotions and your marriage will go on to be one of the success stories on here.

Sending you much hugs))).