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I cheated on my husband for 2years with multiple people, I feel so ashamed and disgusted with my actions, Im at a loss as to how to show him I want us to work and I want to fix everything I fucked up. He is truly the man I love and want to show him that I want us to work out. We've already started marriage counseling. What else can I do?

[This message edited by buckeyegirl13 at 5:49 AM, April 20th (Tuesday)]

[This message edited by buckeyegirl13 at 11:49 AM, Tuesday, April 20th]

buckeyegirl13

Welcome to SI and congratulations on your bravery to come here and post. The first step to recovery is always recognizing and acknowledging the problem.

I’m going to offer two separate tidbits of advice:

Marriage counseling is fine, but the problem with infidelity is that it’s NEVER the marriage that causes infidelity. It’s issues in YOU. Something in YOU made you think for some time that infidelity was OK and acceptable (or at least surmountable to what would normally be your boundaries). To heal YOU then find a good counselor. Dig deep into why you allowed yourself to cheat.

This site is great. We have great posters that contribute. That includes the bravest former wayward spouses that can offer you spot-on advice based on their experience. These are people that have been where you are. We also have a lot of posters that might be able to offer constructive advice that aren’t former waywards but at the receiving end. The betrayed spouses. Unfortunately we also have a large number of posters that are in deep hurt and might not be able to offer compassionate or healing advice. I’m going to suggest that in your next post you ask the mods to add a STOP sign to your thread. That way the advice will be limited to the former waywards I mention.

If you follow that advice I won’t be posting on this thread anymore as a BS, so I wish you the best.

buckeyegirl13, in your bio it states

I cheated on my WH

Is this true? Had your husband cheated on you?

There is little else to go by but if you have both cheated on each other then the advise provided may be different then if you are the only one that cheated.

Your bio also states

I cheated for 2 years with multiple people

Can you provide additional information in regards to how many people, the circumstances, the time frame and your relationship with these people?

Does your husband know you cheated?

Did you confess? Did he catch you? Did he find out some other way?

Have you talked with him about what you have done?

Is he open to trying to recover and reconcile or does he want a divorce?

Many here will want to help but with the little we have to go by it may be tough for your specific situation.

Sorry he didn't cheat I did, he caught me and I did the worst thing I could have done I let the lies trickle out, he's open to trying to R our marriage, I've just hurt him so bad I want to fix what I fucked up so bad

[This message edited by buckeyegirl13 at 8:16 AM, April 20th (Tuesday)]

BS here - and I have a lot of thoughts mulling around.

Few questions.

How did you get caught?

What did DDay look like for you?

How many affair partners [APs]?

What lies/trickle truth [TT] did you tell?

Have you read from the Healing Library [top left corner]? If not, please do so ASAP.

Are you in IC? IF not, please do so. You have a lot of healing to do on yourself.

let me start over my husband and I have been together 11years and married 8 we have 3kids together all are still at home, I've been diagnosed with BPD and bipolar disorder on top of being an alcoholic which I am in AA and I'm currently in therapy for myself along with marriage counseling. We are two and a half months from Dday and I've done nothing but back peddle on questions he's asked and I've let the lies just trickle out. I know what I've done is unforgivable and disgusting and I'm beyond ashamed and I regret every wrong action and the pain I have caused him. I cheated on the man I love for 2years with 12 different APs trust me when I say I'm beyond disgusted with what I have done.

I cheated on the man I love for 2years with 12 different APs trust me

That's going to be pretty hard for any BH to get over. Especially when compounded by the TT. Your only hope is to concentrate on fixing the brokenness in yourself that led you to this. Regardless of the outcome of your relationship that should be your focus. Focusing on how to save the relationship will hinder you're ability to fix yourself and doom the relationship anyway. You can't change who you were and what you did in the past, but you can do the work to become a better person going forward.

[This message edited by grubs at 9:25 AM, April 20th (Tuesday)]

No stop sign.

buckeyegirl13

I cheated on my husband for 2years with multiple people, I feel so ashamed and disgusted with my actions, Im at a loss as to how to show him I want us to work and I want to fix everything I fucked up.

You could become the perfect wife, do everything correctly, and the marriage could still not recover. You have to realize that what you've done fatally stabs the marriage. It's possible that it could come back, of course.

He is truly the man I love and want to show him that I want us to work out.

Are you sure about this? Your actions suggest that you are content with abusing him through multiple affairs.

We've already started marriage counseling. What else can I do?

This isn't a marriage counseling problem, this is a 'you' problem. You need to get into therapy (at a minimum) and figure out why you lack integrity and cheated. Why is attention and getting your ego stroked from strange men more important than your husband's mental wellbeing?

let me start over my husband and I have been together 11years and married 8 we have 3kids together all are still at home, I've been diagnosed with BPD and bipolar disorder on top of being an alcoholic which I am in AA and I'm currently in therapy for myself along with marriage counseling.

What books on cheating have you read?

We are two and a half months from Dday and I've done nothing but back peddle on questions he's asked and I've let the lies just trickle out.

You need to stop that immediately. Truth from here on out and let go of trying to control whether he stays with you or not.

I know what I've done is unforgivable and disgusting and I'm beyond ashamed and I regret every wrong action and the pain I have caused him. I cheated on the man I love for 2years with 12 different APs trust me when I say I'm beyond disgusted with what I have done.

This is going to be a tough pill for him to swallow. Were these all one time affairs or did any of them last multiple months?

buckeyegirl13, I agree with Bigger, you might seriously consider asking to have a stop sign placed on your thread.

I know what I've done is unforgivable and disgusting

There is no doubt that what you have done is disgusting but there are many on here who have recovered and reconciled after infidelity who might argue that it is not unforgivable.

You might also consider having your betrayed husband come to this site, or another with the same mission, so that he can get advice and support so as to be prepared for what he might experience as he tries to move on from your betrayal through either staying in the marriage or filing for divorce.

I know that divorce may sound scary to you but if you are truly sorry for the pain you have caused him you need to make it all about him and his healing.

For more than 2 years everything was about you but now you should make everything about him and your children.

BW here, and I have a child with BPD and alcohol/drug addiction issues. We've had other WS here with BPD and bc of my child, I sense it can add some layers to the infidelity dynamic.

First, I agree that what sounds to me like panic-driven desire to R may not only NOT accomplish what you want, but can work to stall your own journey to heal and grow and change the behaviors. IOW, trying to R cannot be the sole focus of your work.

Are you in IC? Does that IC include DBT?

If there is trauma in your history, have you worked to address and heal that?

I also agree with others that the lying must stop IMMEDIATELY. Write out a complete and thorough timeline of your infidelities. Many suggest (and I agree) to do one that is a "PG" rated version and another with the gory sexual details. I would try and work with an IC in doing this, as I suspect it will trigger a TON of shame (and that may be exacerbated for you bc of the BPD Dx).

And then rip off the damn bandaid - preferably in collaboration with your MC and, if your BS has one, his IC.

Also, 12 APs in 2 years screams of SA (sex addiction), which is it's own kind of special ball of wax (and no surprise when there is alcohol addiction already present). I am a fan of CSATs (certified sex addiction therapists), tho they can be hard to find and often don't take insurance. Like any IC/MC, all CSATs are not alike, and the current "preferred" modality is the relational betrayal trauma model.

I'll also echo the questions about what books you may have read, and add podcasts to that mix. There are several pretty good podcasts about sex addiction, tho the ones I like are geared toward the BS more than the WS. I am a big fan of Helping Couples Heal and you may find some of their info useful. There's another called something like the betrayed the addict and the therapist (that has a LOT of episodes, but I found it to have a lot of sides, but not so focused on the meat & potatoes, if you get the drift).

You will likely need to do some solid learning about shame and trauma. IMO, Brene Brown is the queen of shame and she has several books that may be helpful. My personal favorite is a 6-8hr audio I got free from my library via Hoopla called "The Power of Vulnerability" that is the audio of a series of lectures (and it has more than you'll find in her stuff on youtube).

As to trauma, The Body Keeps the Score by Bassel Van der Kolk is kind of my trauma bible. Nothing to do with infidelity (or if it does, it's ancillary and anecdotal). I wouldn't be surprised if you have trauma in your history, and that book can help you understand the ways in which trauma impacts us - and also your BS. That trauma is not an "excuse" for your decision to cheat, but it may help guide you in healing from the past hurts as well as finding ways to be supportive of the trauma your BS is likely experiencing.

My WH's CSAT recommend a workbook on empathy (something many SA really need) called Help.Her.Heal. by Carol J Sheets. It's relatively new and wasn't available via my library. It is specifically aimed at sex addicts and how to find ways to "fake it til you make it" on the empathy front. Maybe more for the "back burner", but didn't want to forget it.

In my experience, the DBT piece is really the first - and crucial - step in addressing this crap, as the focus is to find ways for someone with a BPD Dx to learn to manage the flood of emotions (that are usually the precursor to some really bad decisions).

Godspeed

ETA: Sissoon and I cross-posted, but this is REALLY important:

Accept that what you tell him may cause him to choose D, but know that continued lying will (probably) cause him to D.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 12:28 PM, April 20th, 2021 (Tuesday)]

Your H has expressed an interest in R, so R is possible, but to R, you have to give up trying to control the outcome.

You have to focus on your healing. You have to focus on getting the right treatment for BPD (borderline?) and bi-polar, and you have to focus on living without alcohol. Your brain chemistry is abnormal, and alcohol messes it up even more. If you want to stay faithful, you need to keep your brain as clean as it can be.

Are you ready to come clean? Can you bring yourself to come clean? I think total honesty - no more lies - is the way to start your healing.

Accept that what you tell him may cause him to choose D, but know that continued lying will (probably) cause him to D. If answering a question scares you too much, tell your H and defer answering to the next MC session. (Well, that worked for my W, but it may or may not work for you.)

*****

Cheating doesn't always kill Ms. Behavior after d-day probably kills more Ms than the A itself (or themselves).

Twelve men in 2 years ... if my W had cheated with 12 men in 2 years, I think I'd have hurt about as much as one A hurt, but that's me. What counts for you is how your H experiences your infidelities.

My belief was that my W's A was a symptom of something like a disease. Also, I placed a lot of value on the 'better/worse, sickness/health M vows - she stuck with me when I went through a lot of crap (not cheating, though) - so I thought I owed her a chance to R. (In fact, IMO, no BS owes a WS a chance to R. I use 'owe', but offering R was my choice. I certainly considered D.)

Other people may place the most value on the 'forsake all others' vow, and that would probably lead them to choose D.

The thing is: you can't control your H.

Again, don't try to control the outcome. You heal you. Your H heals himself. Both D & R are OK outcomes.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:28 PM, April 20th (Tuesday)]

1) What's has happened in three months that would effect such a change in you?

2) How can your husband tell the difference from the person you were in January where in the prior 24 months you had 12 AP's to where you just want him now? What real evidence does he have that would make him think you are different? He'll need significant, tangible evidence to help him move in the direction of trusting you.

3) When were you diagnosed as bipolar and did it actually start at that time or shortly before?

4) Assuming you were faithful to him when you were bipolar prior to starting your period of infidelity, you (or your therapist) will have to technically explain how this can happen so that your husband can fully understand the differences between you being faithful while being bipolar and you being unfaithful while being bipolar. He may not see the difference and discount it as sufficient justification which in turn will not help with trust and seeing you as a safe person to be with.

5) Were you sober at anytime with your AP's. You may have to explain to your husband how you were unfaithful during periods when alcohol was not a factor.

In summary, your husband may be interested in other factors that led to your infidelity that are not related to alcohol and you being bipolarized. I think your husband understanding the "other factors" is what will help him the most.

This is not to suggest bipolar and alcohol were not factors, but that they weren't the only ones and quite possibly may or may not be the primary ones.

[This message edited by Jorge at 1:28 PM, April 20th (Tuesday)]

NO STOP SIGN

Cheating doesn't always kill Ms. Behavior after d-day probably kills more Ms than the A itself (or themselves).

Buckeye

With the limited information and circumstances, first thing I would suggest to you is to not to make any predetermined predictions on any outcome. There have been BH here who have reconciled with as many or more OM, and there have been divorces as outcomes over emotional affairs only. No one here has a clue on your outcome.

Given that it appears that you have some obvious issues compounded by your mental condition and alcohol, that MIGHT explain the number of OM since it seems highly unlikely that you had time to become too emotionally attached to any of them. So at least your husband is most likely not dealing with a situation where you are in what they call here the "fog" and pining for your "soulmate", or who you thought was your soulmate.

Since your husband, at least for now, has indicated he wants to attempt to work through this ( and that can change at any moment), if i were you i would concentrate on your ACTIONS from here on and being proactive on what you can do to show you are thinking of nothing but BH.

First, I suggest you sit down and write two timelines, one R rated giving dates and how each affair started and escalated WITHOUT holding anything back. The second timeline should be the same thing but X Rated, telling your husband all the dirty details, sex acts, etc, without holding back anything. If he gets any advice from anywhere, he will most likely somehow ask for this. He has to try to decipher if anything has been the truth and this will help him. The reason you let him choose which one he wants is because Bh are all different. He may want to know as little as possible, OR he may want to know every detail. But no one here has a clue at this point which he will want. You let him choose. Once he sees something he cannot "unsee" it.

Nothing you do can be driven by your desire to influence the outcome. He gets to decide that.

It is not clear how perfectly you "covered" your tracks, so anything you have not deleted, you do NOT delete. Transparency is usually a must in any situation like yours.

My wife has more than one OM , but had no deep connection to either. Seven total encounters. Without boring you with any more of that here is what she did after d Day

(1) turned over her journal to me with nothing erased.

(2) gave me access to all electronic devices, including passwords and e mail addresses I had no clue existed.

(3) went total NC with both.

(4) gave up a major competitive athletic activity that put her through college for free, but was also how she met OM's

(5) insisted on taking a polygraph test, which she passed on everything, that there were no lies on what i wanted to know.

And absolutely no fight or resistance on any of that. These things may not help you at all, but there is nothing there that can hurt you and may help BH.

Lastly, I totally disagree with the people telling you to put a stop sign on this is you want real help. You will eliminate most of the people who have been in your BH position on this forum by doing that. This forum is very closely monitored and you can put that stop sign on any time you want to, and anyone who really does over the top that is not a Wayward will be removed by the monitors rather quickly. You call obviously on that one.

Good luck to you.

Rather than repeat the excellent advice you've gotten so far, let me offer you a few random thoughts:

You cannot begin to create a new marriage until you are a "Safe" person to be with, so fixing yourself first is required. I understand that it can be scary to look at BPD and BP and think, "How am I supposed to handle this?" but you can. Take it from a C-PTSD, Clinical Depression, Disassociated, Multiple Personality person who is in year 5 of R (my daughter has BPD and all my family is in therapy honestly) that it can be done.

Excuses are bad. Trickle truth is bad. Defensiveness is bad. All of these things will simply do more damage to the relationship, and most BS's report that the aftershocks of TT and continued dishonest behavior do more damage than the affair itself. It shows a continued pattern of being an unsafe spouse/person.

Breathe. If you don't already, take up some meditation/mindfulness classes, perhaps yoga too. I know these things sound stupid to many people, and I was the President of the "these things are stupid" fan club at one point, but they work, and help more than I can say.

Words don't matter right now. Your feelings don't matter. Even the truth doesn't really matter. There have been so many lies that our spouses can't trust anything we say or feel. All they have to go on, is what we do. If we work our asses off to change and become safer people, that can go a long way sometimes.

Do not try to control the outcomes. I know you want your husband to stay, and for things to be good again. Those are good things to want, however it may not be what HE wants. The goal isn't to convince him to stay. You've already given him reasons not to. The goal is to give him REASONS to stay, and allow him to come to his own conclusions. By reasons, I don't mean, "Because I love you and want you to stay". I mean, because you've put in work and effort to change, to become safer, to identify and deal with the parts of yourself that allowed an affair to happen in the first place. If he sees empathy, remorse, contrition, and the hard work of changing, that's about the best any of us can do to give someone good reasons to consider trying again.

Be open to the hurt. It's gonna hurt. Recovery always does. But if we lean into that hurt, and learn and grow from it, then it has meaning, and better yet, we can become better people. Many people here have found that the replaced lying, anxiety, fear, selfishness and self-hate with positive outlooks, and live a better, happier life because of it.

Keep coming back. There are good people here, and we've all walked in your shoes. Nothing will shock or surprise us, honestly. Some people will be kind, others more stern, but all will do their best to help you. Take the tough advice along with the good and consider it all, then take what works and leave the rest.

All, the Stop Sign has been added to this post. Betrayed Spouses are no longer allowed to post here.

So I have to ask a tough couple questions. Maybe I missed something.

How did you get caught?

If you weren't caught would you still be cheating?

Almost sounds like you are more in damage control rather remorse. 12 men in 2 yrs doesn't sound very loving. I'm not trying to be mean. I'm trying to understand.

I have more remorse and guilt and shame than anyone could imagine, just because I want things to work out doesn't mean its more about damage control. I hate myself for what I have done,

[This message edited by buckeyegirl13 at 8:56 AM, April 22nd (Thursday)]