SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife and I have been married almost 21 years now. 6 months before our wedding she had an affair that lasted several months when we lived in Orlando. I always had my suspicions but she denied anything ever happened. I forgave her,, moved on , we moved to Atlanta and we got married. 8 years later we lost our son and I became addicted to drugs and had an affair. It then came out she was talking to the same guy in Florida she had an affair with before and that they did have an affair before our marriage. I got clean and we worked it out and it’s been a good 12 years. We have been very happy and I thought we were good. 3 weeks ago my wife took a trip to Florida after I had a sever case of Covid so she could get some “me” time after nursing me back to health and she had another affair with the same guy. Turns out they had been talking for over a year now. I found out they were talking when she came back and confronted her because his name popped up on my Facebook fpeople you may know because they were friends. She said she would cut contact. Easter Sunday she was still texting him while we were at my family’s dinner and that night she confessed to the affair she had while on her trip.

I am so lost right now. I thought things were going good I know it wasn’t the best year in our marriage with all that has been going on with the pandemic and my work has been crazy because of it. We do not argue, we do not fight. I know I’ve been extremely busy but she never communicated that something was going wrong. Our sex life has just recently started slowing down through the holidays and I thought it was because I was tired, Holiday season is my busy season at work every year and this one has been chaos (I run a major retail store). Now I’m looking back and figuring out she was getting more involved with this guy and that probably had a lot to do with it. She admitted that she loved this guy and is confused. Yesterday morning I gave the ultimatum to send him a text and let me see it that she was ending it or I was going to walk. She sent the text very short but she sent it. She feels guilty, I feel destroyed and in a haze.

I asked aloft of questions over the past 2 days and she answered most, finally, even though it was like pulling teeth at times. I now have access to phone records as well. She is afraid that I will obsess over them as i only looked at a couple days last night and saw how much they were in contact. Should I look at the last year, year and a half and see all the days like our anniversary, birthdays and such?

Should I do a data recovery on her phone and read her text messages to this guy or is that just going to torcher myself more?

What questions are going too far?

Is it wrong that I asked if they used protection and when she hesitated I told her she needed to go get tested?

She seemed so mad when I asked her how many times they had sex and when she told me it was the “one afternoon” I wanted a number and she won’t answer. Am I messed up in the head for wanting to know that?

Why am I I forgetting everything over the past 2 days?

How long does this Haze last?

What should I tell the kids as they ask what is wrong with me, they are 14 and 15 so they see something is off?

I love her and I’m still in love with her please keep that in mind. I do not want to walk away from this I really can’t picture myself without her and she is truly showing signs of extreme remorse and guilt for her actions. We have been through hell together and we made it and maybe that just makes it harder to understand why this happens.

God I feel so destroyed and lost right now

Sorry if this is long and rambling I don’t think I’ve slept since Saturday night and I can’t remember eating after lunch Sunday.

[This message edited by Moose46 at 9:22 AM, April 6th (Tuesday)]

Ah, Moose, I don't know where to start.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I know it sucks. Just ... you can heal from this. I don't know if you'll stay together, but I know you can heal.

You're young. You have, I hope, a lot of years ahead of you, and they can be good years, with or without her. Know that. You've been traumatized. You hurt like hell. But the pain is temporary, if you do the work necessary to heal. That work is 1) processing your grief, anger, fear, and shame out of your body and b) possibly leaving your W, if she doesn't leave you.

Kudos on demanding your W end the relationship. I'm glad she did, and I'm glad she did it with a short text, because even that's more than the shithead ap deserves, but words are cheap. Burner phones are cheap, too. Watch what your W does - you can believe her actions. You can't believe her words.

Let me give you some reading:

Things that Every WS Needs to Know: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250 - you can use this as a guide to whether or not your W is a good candidate for R - I printed it out, removed the references to SI, and asked my W to read it

Great Posts for Newbies to Read

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740

Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Before You Say Reconcile...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

Before you say reconcile...Recover!

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=561390

For the newly betrayed

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=535178

For the foggy, unremorseful, cake eaters:

20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=446349

Codependency in the Marriage: A BS’s common mistake

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=408443

My 10,000th post - You Are Going To Be Ok

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=502703

Another Great Post for Newbies to read

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=532395

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:36 AM, April 6th (Tuesday)]

Should I look at the last year, year and a half and see all the days like our anniversary, birthdays and such?

Should I do a data recovery on her phone and read her text messages to this guy or is that just going to torcher myself more?

What questions are going too far?

She seemed so mad when I asked her how many times they had sex and when she told me it was the “one afternoon” I wanted a number and she won’t answer. Am I messed up in the head for wanting to know that?

If you’re going to attempt reconciliation you’ll need to know with what you’re reconciling. How can you forgive if you don’t know what you’re forgiving? But you can decide how much detail you need.

Is it wrong that I asked if they used protection and when she hesitated I told her she needed to go get tested?

They didn’t use protection. You both need to be tested.

She seemed so mad when I asked her how many times they had sex and when she told me it was the “one afternoon” I wanted a number and she won’t answer. Am I messed up in the head for wanting to know that?

She’s still in self preservation mode. She’s telling herself that she’s sparing you the details because she wants to protect you from the pain. She’s protecting herself. This is a sign that she’s regretting she got caught. She hasn’t reached the stage yet where she’s remorseful for the pain she’s caused you.

You should have her write out a timeline, not just for this affair but for any other A’s and any other affair partners as well as any significant details she may have lied about for the prior affairs you do know about. Tell her it’s going to be verified by polygraph.

Are you 100% that you’re the father of your children?

Moose46

She said she would cut contact. Easter Sunday she was still texting him while we were at my family’s dinner and that night she confessed to the affair she had while on her trip.

She's lied to you and continually talked to this guy throughout the years. She's not going to stop.

I thought things were going good I know it wasn’t the best year in our marriage with all that has been going on with the pandemic and my work has been crazy because of it. We do not argue, we do not fight. I know I’ve been extremely busy but she never communicated that something was going wrong.

This isn't about a bad marriage, this is about no integrity and no morals. To put simply, your spouse does not care about you or your pain. She will keep doing this regardless of how 'good' your marriage is.

She admitted that she loved this guy and is confused. Yesterday morning I gave the ultimatum to send him a text and let me see it that she was ending it or I was going to walk. She sent the text very short but she sent it. She feels guilty, I feel destroyed and in a haze.

My advice is that you should still end it with your spouse. She's cheated on you on and off for years. There is no way she's going to stop now. She's just going to get better at hiding the evidence. Do you really want to live through multiple D Days?

She is afraid that I will obsess over them as i only looked at a couple days last night and saw how much they were in contact. Should I look at the last year, year and a half and see all the days like our anniversary, birthdays and such?

What she's done to you is abusive. As a result you will probably obsess. This is normal and beyond her control. She doesn't want you looking into things because she is actively lying to you. She has told you the bare minimum and does not want you to discover the true amount of their contact.

Should I do a data recovery on her phone and read her text messages to this guy or is that just going to torcher myself more?

What questions are going too far?

This is all up to you. Do whatever you need in order to satisfy your doubt. As to questions that are 'too far', again, that's up to you.

Is it wrong that I asked if they used protection and when she hesitated I told her she needed to go get tested?

No, it's not wrong. Further, she has put YOUR health in danger. YOU need to get tested because she's been sleeping around. You don't know what STDs this amoral scumbag has.

She seemed so mad when I asked her how many times they had sex and when she told me it was the “one afternoon” I wanted a number and she won’t answer. Am I messed up in the head for wanting to know that?

She betrayed you. She has forfeited the right to be upset at you asking HOW BADLY she betrayed you.

Why am I I forgetting everything over the past 2 days?

Because she has abusively traumatized you.

How long does this Haze last?

Depends. For me it lasted a few weeks and then I set my resolution to divorce her.

What should I tell the kids as they ask what is wrong with me, they are 14 and 15 so they see something is off?

Probably nothing yet since you are still dealing with all of this. You need to heal, to figure out your next moves, and then you can tell them what you decide to.

Do not listen to your spouse - her actions have shown that she doesn't care about you.

I love her and I’m still in love with her please keep that in mind. I do not want to walk away from this I really can’t picture myself without her and she is truly showing signs of extreme remorse and guilt for her actions.

I know, but those feelings WILL pass and you will feel better again. From what you've written she doesn't seem remorseful. She seems to want to rug sweep.

She admitted that she loved this guy and is confused.

I'm sorry that you're in this situation but glad you found us. For starters cheaters lie, a lot, right now your WW is not remorseful, way too soon for that, she just regrets getting caught, now just because you now know doesn't mean the A won't continue deep underground or reignite in the future, here's some of the basics:

1) FULL EXPOSURE: Expose the A with ALL family and close friends, and of course OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) if any, it needs to be done WITHOUT WARNING for maximum impact, your kids already see there's something very wrong in the house, they were betrayed too, tell them the truth, they don't need the gory details, just that your WW loves her boyfriend. Is POSOM married has a girlfriend, find out (don't just take your WW's word for it) and inform her, again without warning your WW, if she complains that means she's still probably in contact with POSOM.

Full exposure without warning typically kills the "beautiful, romantic and exciting" aspect of the A and replaces those with pure shame and embarrassment, the more she hates the A, the more she will hate POSOM and therefore could help her get out of the "fog" sooner, let her deal with the explanations and apologies to the children and your/her parents and/or other relatives and close friends.

2) NC FOREVER with POSOM: She already sent a text to him, he needs to be blocked everywhere, phone, social media, etc., she also needs to tell you if he attempts to make contact again in the future.

3) She needs to offer full on demand access to her phone and all electronic devices and passwords, FOREVER, no questions asked.

4) Consult a D attorney to know your legal options, knowledge is power, while you're at it, ask about a postnuptial agreement that's enforceable in GA, you need to be protected in case she cheats again or you decide at some point this was a dealbreaker for you.

5) Demand she gets tested for STDs, full panel, she admitted she loves POSOM plus they have a history, so the likelyhood she used protection is slim to none. Yes, she's been playing russian roulette with your health too.

6)Demand she writes a complete timeline of the A, then have her read it out loud to you, it helps with remorse and helps you know what you would need to forgive (not forget).

7) Demand a polygraph, make a list of questions you need answers to, polygraphs typically allow less than 5 questions but she doesn't know that plus she won't know which ones will come up on the test, even if she agrees, make her go through with it, it helps with remorse and you may even get what's known as a "parking lot confession", one of the questions should be if there have been others, this may not be her first rodeo.

8) She needs to go to IC with someone who specializes in infidelity (very important), forget MC for now, it's typically a waste of time and money at this point.

If she refuses to any of the above, then just file for D and have her served without warning (you can always stop the process if she comes around), if full exposure and D papers don't shock her back to reality then nothing will, but either way you will be on your path out of infidelity.

Keep posting frequently, the collective wisdom of SI could help you go through this difficult situation, we've "seen" it play out thousands of times here and in other websites, every case is different but cheaters typically follow a similar script.

It seems that she never stopped contact with him. My guess is that there was more than one encounter over the last 21 years. I find it hard to believe that she just randomly caught up with this guy after years of no contact. I'm so sorry.

You deserve to know the truth so that you can decide for yourself if you want to save the marriage. Unfortunately I feel there may have been 3 people in your marriage this entire time. And if there was no contact, he has clearly been on her mind the entire time. Especially if she says she loves him...

If she can provide a timeline of EVERYTHING she did with AP and shows true remorse (tears mean nothing, actions mean everything) then maybe you can move forward together.

As for your questions, I'd do the recovery methods and go back as far as you possibly can. She may give you bits and pieces of truth ('trickle truth') but not the whole story that recovery data can give you. Get tested for STD's, both of you.

No question is "going too far." She has to be willing to give you everything you need, otherwise she is not a candidate for reconciliation and you need to move forward without her.

Please do not believe that b/c she sent a text to him saying “don’t contact me” that she did not talk to him the first chance she had and told him “my H made me send it”.

Three strikes - she’s out.

Sadly I only see continued pain and disrespect from your wife. She doesn’t believe you will D her and that is why she continues he’s to cheat on you.

No consequences.

And even if there were I don’t know if she would understand the term monogamy.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:51 AM, April 7th (Wednesday)]

I believe you've already shown her your hands of wanting to stay together no matter what. That really puts you in a weaker position.

If you want to work it out with her, you both need IC work. You've both had affairs. Even though it seems like this guy from prior to your marriage won't get out of your life, you have a lot of issues to work thru. When you rugsweep like you did prior to getting married, this happens. She is a serial cheater. If you want to stay with her, knowing she is like an addict, you have a ton of work to do, but its mostly on her side to do the work. There is no guarantee that she will. She is an addict, and until she can get clean, you don't have a marriage.

Moose,

I love her and I’m still in love with her please keep that in mind

That's okay that you are still in love with her but I have to ask if you think she is in love with you.

From the outside looking in I would have to say that she only is not in love with you but in fact that she doesn't even love you.

I know this may sound harsh but do you believe if someone sees what pain their actions cause a person they love that they would continue their actions?

I do not want to walk away from this I really can’t picture myself without her

I think she realizes this and knows you won't leave regardless of what she does.

If she faces no consequences she has no incentive to change her actions.

Good luck.

Wow, Moose brother, sorry to see that you are here. Welcome to the best club you never wanted to join.

I would say that you have a long journey ahead of you no matter which path you choose. I believe some of the first steps you need to do have been outlined well by Buster, including a consultation with an attorney on the rights in your state and what a divorce would look like. Your kids are adolescents and will be likely gone from the house in about 5 years, so think of whether or not you want to be with this woman long term. What I am saying is know your reasons for wanting to stick with her, and a big part of that is usually the kids. Remembering that the kids will forever be a part of your life is one thing, but they won't always be living at home, depending on you being together as they were from birth to now.

As someone who made the mistake of allowing their wife to still have contact with their AP, I can tell you that it is likely far worse than you could imagine. I don't know if you are fortunate enough to have another room to sleep in, but I would bet this creep has been to your house (found out from personal experience) and used your marital bed. Or perhaps the opposite, they found another room(s) in your home and found a way to desecrate that too. I think you get the picture, it isn't a pretty one. By her minimizing and not being honest about their encounters it makes it way worse.

To date, you have stated as such, that your wife has really suffered no consequences to her previous infidelities. She doesn't respect you or see you as anything more than a pushover. The only way you can save this marriage is by letting it go. Inform this other man's spouse/girlfriend about what you know and have your wife served with divorce papers. Only then will she at least know you mean business. At least that way you are getting yourself out of infidelity, because the other option is to live in a marriage where you share your wife with this guy whenever it is convenient for him.

Previous posters have made very good points, I will not repeat them, but I strongly suggest you listen to them.

It seems you want to R. If so, do anything to know the whole truth and then make sure you know the whole truth (by polygraph).

I think the most important point here is the depth of the relationship between your WW and AP. Their relationship goes back to before your marriage. If your WW has always loved him during this time, that means you have never really been loved. In this case, I suggest you not continue to be Plan B and divorce. But if this is something that has rekindled years later then you might consider R. Normally, I wouldn't recommend it either, but you had an A in the past too and fell in love with your WW again, if you could, you may consider giving her a chance.

Don't skip this point, the PA may have just begun because of the distance, but somehow their communication may have continued all these years. Even if it's not, it is also unacceptable to have him in her mind all this time.

I do appreciate the place to vent and all of the advice given here. The affair I had was wrong and I know it. There is no justification for what I did, we were separated at the time after I found out she had been talking to her AP again and that was te Dday for the first A she had. I had always suspected but she denied it and I had no proof. I guess it was for revenge, stupid I know. Yes we worked it out, I got sober and I moved back in. It’s been 13 years I thought we were beyond all of this. I still have not made up my mind on anything as the wound is still too fresh and i am just dazed right now that this would happen after everything we had been through.

Again thank you for listening

[This message edited by Moose46 at 5:46 PM, April 6th (Tuesday)]

Right now you have an unremorseful WW as her resistance to give you what you feel you need to know in order to heal is showing.

180 time.

Then file. Tell her she has until the day it's final to convince you to call it off. If she does nothing, then you've wasted as little of your life in limbo as possible.

Hey Moose46:

Sorry you ended up here. We all know the pain you are going through. But you will receive good support. The thing that struck me is the length of time your WW has been hung up on this guy. He has been part of your relationship with your WW for over twenty one years without your approval. She is married to you but he is always there. I am guessing that you are not interested in a M with three people in it. After all of this time communicating with him and carrying a torch for him, do you believe your WW can cut him out of her life? Watch her actions and not her words. Good luck.

My thought is- take care of you right now. If you think you’re going to relapse, call into an AA or Naranon meeting-even if you’ve never been before- phone numbers are listed on their websites.

What do you need today? I called a treatment center and sighed up for a 2week outpatient program. Most everyone in my group had been cheated on and we were trying to process it all. It helped me tremendously.

Take care of you, see if you can find an IC, my doctor referred me to his, actually. I also joined the YMCA so I could swim. A lot.

Just focus on you for a few days . You matter. Your kids need a clean/sober you.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 7:41 PM, April 6th (Tuesday)]

There is no justification for what I did, we were separated at the time after I found out she had been talking to her AP again and that was te Dday for the first A she had.

Can you clarify this? Were you separated and planning on D or were you separated but talking about R? It matters because many of us only consider one kind to be infidelity. Did you hide it from your WW or did you come clean when you moved back in?

Nekonamida,

We were separated and planning a divorce. I came clean about the affair I had before I moved back in not after. I was upfront and honest about everything. This was also the time I checked in and got clean. After that we worked through everything, I had thought, and we reconciled. Then I moved back in.

[This message edited by Moose46 at 6:45 AM, April 7th (Wednesday)]

We were separated and planning a divorce. I came clean about the affair I had before I moved back in not after.

I don’t see this as wayward activity.

As I understand it, I don’t really see you as a mad-hatter, a BS that also was wayward, or vice-versa. You state you were separated with the intent to D. This makes big difference, hell, it’s why your thread got moved to General, but also where you are allowed to post in the future. To be honest I originally quit reading your post when I got to the point where you state you cheated, then later I came back and read the clarification.

You should address this with a moderator.