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Beyond hurt

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Medusara posted 11/21/2020 03:06 AM

Hi
Don’t really know where to start with all this, but someone recommended I join this website.

My wife is seeing someone else. A new colleague started at her school in September and I could see my wife liked her, so I tried to talk to her about it. She said they were just friends. This went on for weeks, with them texting more and more even though I was open with my wife about how much it was upsetting me.
Oh, quick back track - I gave birth to our baby daughter in late August (wife’s egg, anon donor sperm, I carried. Traumatic birth), and we also have a 12 yr old (mine from previous hetero relationship).
Every time I raised the issue of this co-worker, my wife was defensive / angry. She told me I was being insecure, intense, unreasonable. Essentially that I was an awful person, she asked why I didn’t want her to have friends, told me I was trying to control her. Told me there was nothing wrong with how much they were messaging, it was normal.
I started to believe her. I thought I was losing it. I researched self help stuff for jealousy and paranoia, I contacted medical professionals. I deleted Facebook, I changed my WhatsApp settings so I couldn’t see so much info about when she was messaging, etc.
Meanwhile (for the last couple of months) my wife is home late every night, but that’s because she has so much to do following a promotion. We’re sleeping in separate rooms because apparently she’s working all night. Every now and then she’ll share a room with me (the nursery) and say that will be happening from now on, but then the next night there’ll be a row again about her messaging and she’ll go to “our” bedroom. She’s keeping her phone in her pocket, where she used to leave it lying around and even forget to take it to work sometimes. She’s spending hours and hours in the bath, with her phone, and every time she goes for a wee she’s gone way longer than is normal. She picks her phone up while I’m talking to her and just starts messaging, even when I’m talking about massive things. She forgets everything about our lives (eg forgetting she was meant to be taking us to the hospital for our son’s operation), then tells me to give her a break, she’s got a lot on with work, she’s forgetting everything at the moment. 30 mins earlier she had told me the entire life history of her new colleague.

Fast forward to this Tuesday. I needed to use her laptop (she’d given permanent permission on multiple occasions). Whilst loading my work, I had a wobble where I started to think again that she likes this other woman. So I opened her Facebook, thinking I would see a whole load of innocent messages and then my mind would be at ease and I could admit to having snooped but that would be the end of it.

Instead there are not many messages, in fact only from that morning. They talk about how much they wish they’d been together overnight. Discuss ways of knackering each other out to sleep better (my wife is a poor sleeper). Share jokes about their couple name. And discuss how magical Friday night was, how delicious the after school car kisses....

I knew she liked her. I didn’t dream she would actually cheat. We’ve been together for 8 years, we’ve been through everything (multiple bereavements, IVF both failed and successful, court battles with my ex, my mental breakdown and hospitalisation, her own mental health struggles, family problems...) and we have always talked about everything no matter how difficult or painful.

Obviously I confronted her. She didn’t deny it, or apologise (she has subsequently apologised for the hurt, but not for the actions). She claims to have been in denial about liking her, didn’t talk to me about it because she didn’t want to hurt me. Didn’t mean to make me think I was losing it. But they couldn’t help themselves - apparently they really tried. Apparently they spent hours talking about how it couldn’t happen.

So I asked her what she wants. She wants to be with her, to spend time with her, to talk with her, to screw her. What they have is real, special, deep, amazing. When they kiss it “takes my f*cking breath away”.
She hasn’t been in love with me for years, she’s not sure she ever was. There’s no spark between us (please be aware here that she stopped our sexual relationship years ago out of hatred for her body, and lack of drive. I’ve attempted to rekindle but she’s shown no interest. Even if I try to kiss beyond a peck she’ll do something like blow a raspberry on my mouth to stop it)
But she wants us to continue living together, and raising the children together, as friends.

I don’t know what to do! I’ve been looking for books to read to help me start to process but they all talk about reconciliation and she doesn’t want that.

Has anyone tried still living together? Did it work, or did it destroy you to see the person you’re still in love with walk out of the door to be with someone else, over and over again?

[This message edited by Medusara at 3:06 AM, November 21st (Saturday)]

Cooley2here posted 11/21/2020 06:00 AM

To stay healthy mentally, and physically, you need to let go. She is being cruel to you and has been for a long time. While you hung on hoping for a real marriage she used you to get pregnant. I know this is so painful but that is what you wrote. She want a live in babysitter while she has a girlfriend. There is no way that is kind to you or fair to your little family.

BigNoob posted 11/21/2020 06:29 AM

You need to have your children as priority right now as well as yourself. Living in a house where a cold war is going on is not healthy. Also the IVF is so fucking disrespectful. You gave birth/play babysitter while she is screwing around.

[This message edited by BigNoob at 6:30 AM, November 21st (Saturday)]

BrokenheartedUK posted 11/21/2020 07:31 AM

Oh hell no. She doesn’t get to have you sit home and watch the children while she goes out and “lives her best life.” That’s ridiculous. That may work great for her, but what exactly does that give you??

She is treating you badly and I’m going to tell you now that sunk cost is a fallacy. It sounds like you’ve been in a bad relationship with her for some time.

See a lawyer ASAP so you can determine what you can expect in a divorce. Get yourself a therapist so you can determine why you’re even considering this and start to build your network irl. You have choices about living your life and they don’t have to include being the doormat or second fiddle to your wife’s decisions.

I’m sorry that this is happening. It truly sucks.

The1stWife posted 11/21/2020 08:10 AM

I am sorry for you. You have been lied to and deceived.

And she expects you to live in limbo while you watch her cheat and she expects you to accept it!!!

Honestly my H expected me to “wait around” fir 2 months until he decided what he wanted. At first I agreed to it. Then I realized he was treating me like a yo-yo.

Much like you. One minute it’s “let’s stay together” and the next day she’s back to cheating.

Realize at some point you have to decide what is best for you. And then you will have to take action. You can separate or live apart and co-parent by Sharing custody.

You can go for full custody and co-parent.

You just have to decide if you want to continue to live with her while she continues to cheat on you. You can if you want to, but accept the reality your relationship is no longer romantic but a working parent relationship.

But living like this in limbo is not good for you or your children.

Read upon the 180. Get legal advice to prepare yourself on what to expect. Get a good counselor for yourself. It can help you as you move forward with some of these hard decisions.

And watch what happens when you decide to move on. She will have a reality check. It may but stop the affair but it will stop you from being victimized by it. Because that is the Choice the cheater makes when they lie and cheat - they victimize the innocent spouse or partner.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:10 AM, November 21st (Saturday)]

Medusara posted 11/21/2020 08:23 AM

Thank you all for taking time to reply. I’m something of a messy yo-yo at the moment, my feelings are changing quicker than I can keep track of.

If we continue to live together it will be completely defined by written agreements! Who is responsible for what and when. I’ll get to go out dating (or whatever else) just as she will. Somehow I’ll find the strength to not run around after her like I have done for the last eight years. But we’re mortgaged to the eyeballs, and I don’t have a career. If we were to live apart, neither of us could afford the mortgage on this place. Splitting the equity would let her get a mortgage on a smaller place, but I’d have to rent and be living off benefits. So I guess that’s what I get out of this arrangement.

In terms of working out why I’d be prepared to put up with it, that’s simple - my parents split when I was tiny, and I don’t want my kids to go through what I did. My son’s already been through family breakdown once, but he was too young to remember. This time it would devastate him.

I just feel totally broken :(

survrus posted 11/21/2020 09:45 AM

Medusa,

You wrote, like blow a raspberry on my mouth to stop it

That's painful, being put in the no kiss zone is worse than being in the friend zone. Sorry please find some consolation in the fact that you didn't cheat.

PricklePatch posted 11/21/2020 10:16 AM

Essentially, she wants the benefits of a wife, without sex and to have her cake. It sounds like she is rewriting history of your relationship. Bereavements and IVF can take a toll on a relationship, but neglecting her responsibilities to the family unit is just wrong. Forgetting her son’s surgery, I would be beyond pissed. The gaslighting about the affair, crazy making.

Maybe I have this wrong, she doesn’t want to reconcile with you, and seems relieved it is in the open.

So how would this work for you? The affair partner would spend time in your home? Would the AP spend the night, where you might hear them being sexual? You would be relegated to the nursery? She would have her own room, while you would be with the baby 24/7? Would she be planning more children with the AP? What about financial support?

This seems unfair. It all seems to be mentally draining. I truly wonder if she is bonded to the baby? She certainly sounds cruel, with no remorse. Read the 180, in the healing library, in the yellow box to the left. How can you heal with this in your face? Look into some individual counseling with a LGBT friendly therapist. Look at getting legal advice.

[This message edited by PricklePatch at 10:24 AM, November 21st (Saturday)]

sisoon posted 11/21/2020 12:14 PM

I'm really sorry you're experiencing this.

The thoughts and feelings you describe are pretty normal. Your mind will eventually settle down. The crap your W is giving you - mistreatment, forgetting commitments, gaslighting - are normal WS behavior. One important point - her statements about loving you - it's common for WSes to rewrite M history. She's lying to herself and to you. My own opinion is the never loved anybody, because she doesn't know how to love, but my bet is that she loved you as much as she could.

I recommend NOT "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass for some insight into what happened and what's happening.

I urge you to consult with some D lawyers. If you split, you may not be able to keep your house, but your W will be liable for child support at least and probably for some maintenance until you can become employable.

Some people do 'in house separation' - 'IHS' - but that sounds awful to me. I loved my W. If we had headed for D, I'd have hated seeing her go out. Also, if you're living together, I'd be afraid it would be too easy for her to grind you down with demands to do some of the work she committed to doing.

I strongly recommend 'the simplified 180' over the original 180 doc, because the original 180 doc has internal contradictions - https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=598080.

Be kind to yourself. Your W is cheating because of issues inside her, not because of issues with you or your M. Focus on your kids, feeling your feelings, and detaching. You really can survive this and thrive!

Are you aware of the D/S forum on SI? It may provide help you want - https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?fid=5.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:50 PM, November 21st (Saturday)]

Minnesota posted 11/21/2020 17:42 PM

Medusara-

I'm so sorry you are here. You've been given a shit sandwich and no ketchup.

I remember how hard it was to decide what to do. On one hand, I wanted out of the craziness, but I really wanted to work it out and come through the other side. I kept thinking she'd "come around." And then she'd throw me a crumb, and I would try to make a cake.

She started sleeping in the guest room a few days after I found out about her first affair partner. That limbo, "in house separation" was really bad. I had a hard time deciding what I really wanted. I think eventually you have to decide. It doesn't have to be today. Or tomorrow, but some time, decide what you're willing to put up with and what you're not. I don't think I could do it.

About your kids- I grew up in a divorced family, too. And yes, there were chaos and crazy elements. My XW and I have a kid and I was afraid that splitting up would be hard on him, too. But I also thought about what I was modeling for him. What is ok and no ok in relationships? Yes they are hard and have to be worked on. But you deserve love and commitment and so do your children when they get older and allowing this situation to be their model might be worse in the long run. You know better than I do. - One other thing about how my kid took it. He was three when we split up. The day after she moved out, our daycare provider asked what happened because all of a sudden he was a happy little boy again. It's possible he felt the tension in the house and when she moved out, it was gone and he was ok again. Who knows how messed up he'll be when he's grow up? But for now, he's doing pretty well.

I'm not here to tell you what you should or shouldn't do. But I will tell you it's ok to get what you need. Have boundaries. And you deserve goodness and love. You're not alone. We're with you.

Buster123 posted 11/21/2020 19:51 PM

Find a good D lawyer and RUN !!! what she wants is a recipe for disaster, your M is a sham, it splitting means selling the house, well so be it, much better than to live in that nightmare.

squid posted 11/21/2020 23:16 PM

REALLY THINK about what she is asking you to do.

Firstly, as a rule of thumb around here, it'll take you about 2-5 years to heal from the trauma you are reeling from right now.

How much longer do you think it will take if you are still living with the person who inflicted this pain upon you? Now how much more painful will it be to constantly see her with the person that helped destroy your marriage?

The level of disrespect for you is awful. Dating other people is the last thing you should be thinking about.

Find a good attorney and go for full custody of your child. I get that life will become more difficult. But I think compromising your core values for someone that doesn't value you AT ALL will eat away at you over time. That's a special kind of hell.

Do you have any family close by that can help you?

Hedwig posted 11/22/2020 04:59 AM

Your wife is still in the affair for. Right now she is living in fantasy land, thinking this new "relationship" that "takes her breath away" is the thing that's going to make her happy. Until reality hits her and she realizes another person can't make you happen if you are broken inside and don't work on that.

I would recommend the 180, read up on it in the healing library, read it a couple of times until it really sinks in. It's the only way you'll be able to detach and make clear decisions that will benefit you and your children. I know the 180 seems weird and cold at first, believe me, I know. It seems unnatural and you wonder why you should be so cold to someone you love. But it will help you.

Right now your wife is being cruel and she has rewritten your marital history. She has done this in order to justify her cheating, in order to be able to live with herself and sleep at night without thinking of herself as a bad person. In order to do that, she hás to lie to herself and you and tell you she hasn't loved you for a long time. Don't fall for it. It's justification in the mind of a cheater.

Doing the 180 will help you take care of yourself, please find it in the healing library and implement it.

Keep posting and reading here, it is the best thing you can do for yourself.

Medusara posted 11/22/2020 05:12 AM

Everybody, thank you so much. Some of you have moved me to tears, and all of you have helped. I’ve read the 180 a couple of times now and I’ll keep reading it until I can take it in.

I’m annoyed with myself for letting this happen. My son's father was emotionally and physically abusive during our time together, so I was single for a really long time because he was just the latest in the list of every adult I’d ever cared about letting me down. I finally thought I’d found someone who deserved my trust, and I gave her everything. I’ve been more vulnerable with her than I ever dreamed I could be.

She’s out at the moment, speaking to the OW (incidentally, she is also married, to an abusive alcoholic) - she did ask me if it was okay for her to go.

It’s crossed my mind that my wife just likes to be the hero, to have a project. And now that I’m in a healthier place, she’s found herself a new messy person to fix (this idea is compounded by the fact that when I told her I’ve self harmed and made myself sick this week, coping strategies I haven’t used for years, she said she was finishing things with the OW and would stay with me. Obviously she u-turned pretty quickly after speaking to the OW).

The1stWife posted 11/22/2020 05:34 AM

She’s still in contact with the OW in front of you. That is so disrespectful.

You need a plan B. Who is leaving the time (if anyone). Temporary alimony or child support. Custody and visitation.

See a lawyer before you make any decisions.

See a counselor to get support for yourself.

And then be prepared. You need to know what to expect once you tell the cheating spouse you are leaving her or Divorcing her.

Promises things will change. Promises the affair is over. We call this lovebombing. But you’ve seen that before and you know it’s a lie. And while things may be bod or better, just know there is the possibility that the affair never ends but just is held out of sight. In secret.

Or it could be your spouse wants the divorce but resents the alimony and child support. So the Cheater gets nasty. Angry. Vindictive. But the affair doesn’t stop.

Or the cheater begs to reconcile. Hard to know if they mean it. But it does happen. If it does and you believe you can happily reconcile I wound demand a post nup. This way you are protected and prepared. I have one and it is a good one. In some states they may not be legal so check with an attorney.

I hope this helps you.

Your first step is the hard 180. The first few days are hard but you will be better off.

KatieKat posted 11/22/2020 10:06 AM

Try to figure out a way to financial independence. Adults support themselves ~ family or welfare. This is gross.

HellFire posted 11/22/2020 11:03 AM

Call her husband and tell him about the affair.

I bet he will be really surprised to hear he's an abusive alcoholic.

Cheaters lie. And the "the other betrayed spouse is abusive" lie is one of the most common.

They tell you that so you won't call the OBS, and they can continue the affair. Its said to protect the affair, and protect the AP from consequences.

Call him. Dont warn her,just do it.

PricklePatch posted 11/22/2020 22:52 PM

A common thread with the OW’s, is an abusive husband. There is no need to see the OW to breakup, just more chance for the affair to continue.

survrus posted 11/23/2020 09:42 AM

Medusa,

You wrote, She’s out at the moment, speaking to the OW (incidentally, she is also married, to an abusive alcoholic) - she did ask me if it was okay for her to go.

Sometimes it's backwards btw, the OW claims her spouse is abusive/alcoholic, when in fact the spouse only became that way after being cheated on and crushed for years or decades.

It's a reversal of victim and aggressor, now your spouse is the next victim but just doesn't know it.

Please expose the affair to the OW spouse, chances are very good they are not the monster OW has fabricated, but a drab British person in a bowler hat.

Jambomo posted 11/23/2020 11:15 AM

In terms of working out why I’d be prepared to put up with it, that’s simple - my parents split when I was tiny, and I don’t want my kids to go through what I did. My son’s already been through family breakdown once, but he was too young to remember. This time it would devastate him.

With regards to this, she might be willing now, when just exposed to do this but you may find it doesn’t last and at some point she’s wanting to leave or wanting you to leave to be with OW.

Hard as it is, you have to realise you cannot rely on her to be there anymore or to keep her word and not change the living situation. Start looking at what you can do to support yourself and your children and put it into action.

[This message edited by Jambomo at 11:20 AM, November 23rd (Monday)]

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