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Yet another therapist questioned the validity of my WH affairs

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Hurtmyheart posted 10/24/2020 18:37 PM

I don't get it. I pour my heart out to my therapist hoping that I can get some clarity (which I am figuring out on my own), understanding and closure of my WH behaviors (and his death) and yet another therapist has questioned my validity of the truth of who my WH was. Her saying to me, are you sure that this really happened? I don't feel that I need to explain myself and justify the truth and have to defend myself. Of course it really happened!!

Well, the fact is that it did happen and there were a lot of things that didn't add up with my WH and his COW; texting, messaging, sending pictures to each other. Verified through phone records. Her texting him at 1 in the morning several text messages. Verified. Him calling her multiple times early in the morning. Verified this through phone records. Commenting on each others fb in a flirty way. Her spending time with him in his office while eating her lunch and also visiting with him. My WH told me this. They also went to their work gym after work at the same time. He told this to me too. And he was constantly flirting with other women. I witnessed this with my own eyes. These are the facts and my therapist questioned my accuracy and if this really happened.

Oh yes, he also told me that if I quit asking him about her, he would make her go away. We called her and he told her that he couldn't "talk" to her anymore and also coached her into telling me that they were just friends. And he also told her this in person too. Never could understand this last part of saying goodbye in person since she was just a friend.

Another time, he came home with a STD from another women. We never named it as a STD because I never believed my WH would cheat on me. But one thing for sure is that he had guilty written all over himself. He was extremely guilty acting.

There were other women in his life that I found questionable, more of a gut feeling. And his behavior was way off at different times during our marriage (he is deceased now, 7 months). But my therapist has questioned the validity of my statements basically making me feel like I've been either imagining things or made them up in my mind.

I canceled my appointment with her for next week because I need to think how I want to respond to her comments. I don't feel I should have to be questioned and to defend myself on the validity of the truth because it really did happen.

Having to digest my WH affairs has pretty much devastated me, broke my heart. And yes, I have been able to piece together that there more OW than I had originally thought prior to his death. This is very heartbreaking for me to have to process his death (and his affairs) and now the therapist is questioning the validity of my story? I am feeling down.

I don't understand her thinking... why would I want to make these kind of stories up? She saw how broken and devasted I've been. I'm not going to lie, there also has been several occasions where I didn't want to continue to live anymore and she knew this. SMH. And yet again I am disappointed with the therapist.

OwningItNow posted 10/24/2020 18:47 PM

Well, she just sounds like a terrible therapist! There are better ones. I hope you don't give up. I'm sorry.

gmc94 posted 10/24/2020 19:06 PM

^^^^^
Iím so sorry

Iíd get a new IC. One that specializes in trauma is what I recommend. Sometimes we have to kiss a few frogs in the IC dept.

Notthevictem posted 10/24/2020 19:33 PM

Hurtmyheart, does this therapist specialize in infidelity?


If it helps, I don't doubt you.

thisissogross posted 10/24/2020 19:40 PM

The thing is, isn't it pretty common for suspicion to be something that arrises as we grieve?

I'm not saying that's what you're doing-i just remember that coming up for a number of people I know suffering a loss.

So, I guess it doesn't seem that out of line that she would pursue that-at least to try and suss out any work if it needed to be done there?

If it isn't the case and you told her that and she continues on it-that would be weird and I'd understand being offended. Otherwise, is simply affirming to her that-yup, you have evidence sufficient to convince you that it happened for real- so unacceptable?

And by 'affirm' I just mean saying something along the lines of, 'yes-it's true' if this lady wanted phone records or something that would be weird and unacceptable on her part.

Eta:clarity

[This message edited by thisissogross at 7:50 PM, October 24th (Saturday)]

crazyblindsided posted 10/24/2020 19:53 PM

I have never! What a horrible therapist. I would get a new one that specializes in trauma. This one sounds like she inflicting more trauma by questioning your trauma.

Hurtmyheart posted 10/24/2020 20:34 PM

Thank you for responding.

My WH and I were seeing a male therapist when my WH was still alive but Iwasn't comfortable continuing talking to him after my husband died.

Thisissogross, my WH had already admitted to having an affair years ago but he either gave me half truths, TT, rugswept or whatever else goes along with infidelity. I was able to piece together a lot of his lies after his death but he also did admit to some things just not everything he did. And no, I did not give my therapist phone records, at the time it happened, I verified phone records for myself.

The therapist is questioning my validity on whether any of this happened or not? My WH did admit to half truths to the previous male therapist we both were seeing. Sorry for the confusion. Hope this clears things up for you.

Yes, maybe it would be a good idea if I seeked a trama therapist out because the therapist that I am currently seeing may not understand the depths of pain that infidelity causes.

Hurtmyheart posted 10/24/2020 21:16 PM

And to top it off, his passing already added salt to a wound that was already there.

Notthevictem posted 10/24/2020 22:15 PM

Perhaps the original therapist you were seeing with your husband, even if you don't want to go back, can recommend a good colleague that won't doubt you?

Unhinged posted 10/24/2020 22:21 PM

You're hiring the therapist, so it's quite reasonable, I think to interview him or her before agreeing to a first session. Ask questions about their qualifications, experience and views.

LadyG posted 10/24/2020 22:35 PM

Some of the awful truth about what my WH did is unfathomable.

Normal people would question the validity of my story but your Therapist is like a Doctor. Their job is to help you heal and recover. Sheís not helping by questioning your truth.

My WH also had an STD. You cannot question how this came about.

The trauma this fact has caused me, makes me nauseous all the time. And the PTSD diagnosis didnít help me recover, just understand myself and my fears and behaviours under stress.

I would just tell the Therapist that if she questions your truth, you donít see the point of seeing her any more.

Jehuretired posted 10/24/2020 23:43 PM

My IC seemed to not believe that my husband could possibly have been as broken as I was telling her either. I kept digging into old e-mails and uncovering layers that just went into some truly inconceivable directions after his death. She hinted strongly that perhaps I wasn't handling my grief well, and that anger is easier for me to process than hurt (truth), and that he was just a little broken, but then, we all are, and quite possible I was overreacting...

I took my laptop next visit. I logged in and showed her the top of the dung heap. I didn't know you could shock a therapist, but I did. She apologized profusely. SHE recommended a new therapist that specialized in emotional trauma.

Funny thing though, just being REALLY heard, and REALLY understood made all the difference.

I hear you, Hurtmyheart. And I understand. My husband was truly twisted sexually. I was married to him 28 years. NEVER had a clue--until he died. I'm so sorry. Find a new IC. You need someone who can hear you.

Hurtmyheart posted 10/24/2020 23:54 PM

She does understand death and grieving (she went through a very devastating loss herself) but I'm beginning to realize she doesn't have any understanding of infidelity and the huge impact his indiscretions have had on me... and that is the answer, she doesn't get it.

I think infidelity is too complex for most people, therapists included, to really understand and get the gist of it. The people who do understand the trama and effects of infidelity are those that have experienced it themselves.

I think I'm going to need to rethink what I want to do. Definitely best if I let her go and look for someone who is more suited to understanding what I'm going through.

I have the grieving part covered, it's working through his infidelity (now alone) and of course seeking acceptance and offering forgiveness for the mess he caused. I can't hang onto the anger part forever, too warring. But I am stuck on the how can I still love someone who treated me so poorly by not being faithful? Or some other things he did that were not acceptable, drinking and emotional abuse. I get it, codependency.

I do understand my background and I guess it goes back to finding a sympathetic ear that doesn't have the need to question the validity of my story. Unbelieveable as it might sound, it is the truth.

I know you get it.

Hurtmyheart posted 10/25/2020 00:06 AM

Jehuretired, I just posted my comment then I read yours. Yes! You do get it! But I refuse to want to defend myself with the therapist. Just so deeply hurt as you are and after her comments, I was done.

I'm glad your outcome came out positive. I'm still looking for a positive outcome with a therapist.

I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry for the way you found out who your WH really was. Devastating, I know.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 12:41 AM, October 25th (Sunday)]

Throwaway999 posted 10/25/2020 05:22 AM

To be up front and blunt...I agree with most posts. I think it is the therapists job to support you. To help you seek the answers and reflect on them and help you heal and move on. Your therapist has done the opposite and most definitely added to your trauma. I am angry at your therapist for you. In a sense it is basically gaslighting you all over again.

Thisissogross - my WH has also passed....grieving does not create suspicions, the truth does. And quite frankly healing from ones passing is completely different for healing from infidelity. For me they are entirely two distinct paths. For HurtmyHeart and Juheretired and myself....our husbands deaths were out of our control..they all passed from cancer. But the abuse and infidelity was something they caused and by choice inflicted on us. For me, the trauma from the abuse far outweighs the trauma from my WH death.

Hurt - you know what you need to do..find another therapist. Maybe compile a list of interview questions prior to hiring them. They work for us...make sure they actual do specialize in trauma and infidelity. Just because they list it on their website...doesnít make it true. There definitely good therapists and also bad ones out there....look hard for a good one.

Itís hard to have to open yourself up again to another therapist, re-tell the story of your life again, but maybe in the long run it will be worth so you can find someone who supports you and helps you on the path to healing.

Jehuretired posted 10/25/2020 09:40 AM

But I refuse to want to defend myself with the therapist

I came back to clarify this. You shouldn't have to defend yourself. I don't want to make this about me, so I will be as brief as possible, but that's not what I was doing, and I by no means think you should justify yourself to anyone.

My husband was also financially unfaithful. I discovered this first. He syphoned money from accounts, ran up major bills, etc. At one point, I thought I might lose my home. Since I willingly funded his bucket list, I could not understand all the financial gymnastics, and was hurt that he had deceived me financially; that he had knowingly risked my home--that he did not care if he left me homeless and penniless. And I grieved. Then I opened his Messenger account five months after he died. And I understood. I went absolutely numb for awhile...and then I got angry. Pure rage. And the grieving stopped.

I should have walked away from the IC and found another one. But her implying that I MIGHT be overreacting just fueled my anger. The laptop incident was an "in your face" moment.

The look on her face. The attempt to recover and mask the shock. Priceless. And soooo validating....

Because of Covid, the new IC was online. I was not comfortable with that at all. I still see the old IC. We work on my anger

There was money raised for the Cancer Society, in my husband's name. From time to time, I still have to play the part of the grieving widow. There is no right way to say to people who worked with him, "Thank you so much for giving money to this worthy cause. Unfortunately, my husband was a total asshole."

Get yourself a new IC. You need to be able to unburden SAFELY with someone. ((Hugs))

HouseOfPlane posted 10/25/2020 09:46 AM

HMH

I don't get it. I pour my heart out to my therapist hoping that I can get some clarity (which I am figuring out on my own), understanding and closure of my WH behaviors (and his death) and yet another therapist has questioned my validity of the truth of who my WH was. Her saying to me, are you sure that this really happened? I don't feel that I need to explain myself and justify the truth and have to defend myself. Of course it really happened!!
HMH, what exactly is it that you are asserting, that the therapist is doubting? Is it the facts, or the inferences from the facts? Is the therapist suggesting that what you are inferring didn't happen? Or that you don't actually know for sure they did happen, that there is more than one plausible way to connect the dots?

Here's the rotten part of the deal. You are looking for clarity, yet the fact is you really don't know the real truth of what happened, and with your WH's passing, that is likely all you will ever get. You may well be stuck looking at the shadow of what happened projected onto a wall, so to speak. Yes, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...but you never saw the duck. The final truth is unknown.

That sucks, but there it is. It is that, that you will struggle with. The not-100%-knowing.

You said you used to meet with a therapist that knew both of you. I agree that you should at least ask that person for a referral. He knows a lot more history, and has a better understanding, I'd guess, than some therapist you are coming in cold to.

Best of luck on your journey. Sending strength!

cptprkchp posted 10/25/2020 10:05 AM

HMH-

I read your post and my heart goes out to you. Full disclosure - I am a WW so I might see things a little different. First of all, WSís gaslight their partners and make them feel nuts! The lies, the half-truths, only admitting to what you found, the blame game, etc., it takes its toll - and therapist worth their salt would understand these issues and try to help you sort it out rather than question the validity of it. I made my poor BH crazy and had him questioning everything! Another component of this is that your WS is no longer here to ask - whether or not he was truthful in life doesnít mean a damn. Heís gone. Thatís it. You are left holding the bag with nobody but your therapist to give it to. The bag is real and they should understand that.

Why do you love a man that was like this? Because he was your husband. No matter what, you did get to see the best and worst parts of him. I donít think anyone could spend that much time with someone, take care of them & then be their hospice caretaker without feeling anything. If anything, it shows what a damn good woman you are. You have a strong character with integrity. This is another trait your therapist should be seeing in you - you arenít looking to make him look bad, you arenít making things up... you know what you know.

I also want to bring up that you are grieving a life that you know were, in part, lies. Of course you want to understand and make some sense of it!! You are not weak, you are not crazy. You are an amazing woman who deserves a damn good therapist who will help you sort this out and help you receive the gift of closure. Nothing less will do. I hope you give this some thought when interviewing new people - you deserve this!

Hurtmyheart posted 10/25/2020 12:08 PM

Jehuretired, I love to hear others stories. Please feel free to tell me your story... I have to apologize, I went back and edited my post because I realized it sounded like I was saying that you were crazy to defend yourself but I actually was referring to me! Lol So I edited it out because I didn't want you to think that I was calling you crazy.

This is not my first go around with therapists. And this is not the first time I was questioned for my validity and accuracies. I also need to understand from the therapists POV that most are not qualified to deal with infidelity.

After having gone through this several times with different therapists, I've come to the realization that it isn't worth it for me to try to explain "the truth" and then for them to come back at me with their doubts. Reading and commenting on SI has been very beneficial for me because most of you get it. It's all crazy making, isn't it?

I'm sorry that you found everything out after your WH death, Jehuretired. I do believe that they are still nearby and I also believe that we still can heal regardless if they are here on this earth, or not. I think it does make things a little more complicated though because sometimes we are forced to fill in the blanks.

I had my head stuck so far in the sand (because I desperately wanted to believe that my WH was a good man). But after his death, I began to see the light in his lies (I know that you understand what I am saying and so does Throwaway999), so I felt that I had no other option but to piece together the truth and the truth isn't extreme, it's just the truth... he had an affair with a COW but led me into believing it was someone else that he had sex with when everything pointed to her. Plain and simple truth. But before I wrote down all the facts of how they interacted with each other, I realized it was her all along and he was protecting their relationship until he wasn't anymore. I chose to believe his words instead of his actions. My bad.

My WH did admit to stepping out of the marriage but he only admitted enough to try and make me feel satisfied. Problem is that I never was able to feel satisfied because I knew he was lying and as a result of it, he damaged my trust and intimacy beyond repair all for a little fun and ego kibbles on the side. So she was taken too. Maybe leave men who are married alone??

Today I feel better because I now admit to what the truth is and I don't have to deal with the continuous hurt and pain that he caused me anymore. I am very sad and broken over the outcome though because I would rather have had him come clean with me and fix himself. But I also realize that he was so deep into his alcoholism (mainly dry drunk behavior in the end), believing his own lies and denial and also couldn't face his own truth of who the real man (or lack of man) he was. So, instead it was easier for him to put on a show and to continue in his lies and denial. Very sad and heartbreaking. But the truth is the truth is the truth.

Did you have any gut feelings when your WH was up to no good, Jehuretired?

The1stWife posted 10/25/2020 12:15 PM

Okay Iím a bit snarky at times.

When the IDIOT therapist questioned your honesty you should have questioned her qualifications. As in ďdo YOU really have a license? You donít seem qualified to deal with infidelity ď.

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