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Sex, Sex and Sex...Help

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SisterMilkshake posted 10/23/2020 22:53 PM

Okay, now that I have your attention, yes this topic is about sex.

Ugh. Where to start. MisterSister has Advanced Stage 4 cancer. He is terminal, but is doing well and his death is not imminent, as long as he doesn't become ill with something else. COVID-19, anyone. This is why I get so angry about people not wearing masks and social distancing. Just stay the fuck away from me.

Anyway. The treatment and medications he is/has taken has totally destroyed his libido. Nothing. He has no sexual urges, and doesn't miss it, because the feelings just aren't there. And, it isn't even possible for him to get an erection.

The thing is, he wants to please me sexually. And, I am not comfortable with it. I don't know if I can even explain it. I feel guilty, I feel so sad, I feel ashamed and selfish. I can't get out of my own head. It makes MisterSister sad that I can't agree to it. We tried and I couldn't climax and he works so fucking hard.

Haha! I remember awhile ago I had a topic post about women faking it. I could fake it, I guess. But, I am hoping some might have some good ideas. I am sure some have been in this position, but not many. I don't want to call my counselor/therapist.

I love MisterSister so much. He is a good man. He is a wonderful man. He is a fighter and so brave. He has been through hell the past 10 months and he thinks of me always.

I know it is the weekend and I probably won't be around until Monday, but I will be able to respond on Monday. Maybe sooner.

Thanks for reading! Peace and serenity to all.

Notthevictem posted 10/24/2020 00:38 AM

While we've had our disagreements sms, I do want to pop in and offer my condolences for your husband's condition. That's gotta be hard for you both.

Striver posted 10/24/2020 00:45 AM

Sorry for your husband's illness.

I can see if the roles were reversed, a woman being ill, wanting to do it as part of being a couple, having a little normal moment. And the man feeling ashamed because it just feels wrong somehow.

I think it comes from a place of love, your H wants to do it, I understand your feelings, but if you can find a way to make it okay in your head it would be good. Maybe focus on the bond between you instead of just him and you?

Chicklette posted 10/24/2020 03:33 AM

Iím so sorry to hear about your husbandís diagnosis, and wish you all the best.

In August my fWH suffered a massive bleed on the brain, and for the first few weeks after being in hospital he had no desire at all for sex. Like your H he wanted to please me, although I felt really weird about it, like you. It felt so odd being so one-sided. One of the best things about our sex life is the closeness and the cuddling afterwards. Anyway, although I felt wrong I did manage to enjoy myself, and it was nice afterwards. With the usual cuddles. I have no advice for you, but I hope you can find a way to relax and enjoy it. Itís good for both of you, and your H will get a lot of enjoyment out of giving you pleasure.

Sending you big hugs. 🤗

[This message edited by Chicklette at 3:34 AM, October 24th (Saturday)]

Anna123 posted 10/24/2020 09:07 AM

Sorry you are dealing with this. I don't have anything concrete to add except I don't recommend faking it. That just feels like lying and if he knew you were it would make him sad that you did that.

Take care.

somanyyears posted 10/24/2020 09:42 AM

..hi sms,

Simply said...'just don't give up trying!'..

Oldwounds posted 10/24/2020 10:53 AM

Very sorry to see that update SMS -- damn.

I can say from a guy's perspective, even if he isn't feeling it and feeling out of it with all the medications, I can understand him still wanting to show you some love.

Don't feel guilty about your man wanting to give, despite the fight he is in.

The brain absolutely gets in the way with all that you have going on.

Maybe the next time you two set up a specific date night and build up to it with all the other intimacy stuff, hugs and all and see what happens. The only goal would be to really enjoy being near each other with zero pressure.

sisoon posted 10/24/2020 13:17 PM

I'm really sorry about your H's illness, sms.

At 76, I can't do all that I used to be able to do, in many areas of life. I learned that I always valued the journey more than the destination. Sure, when the destination is in sight, it's natural, for me, to be impatient about getting there, but it's the journey that counts.

It's natural for most of us to want to give. You've always expressed a great interest in sex. It's OK to accept gifts from your H that he wants to give. I urge you not to deprive yourself and your H of the opportunities for giving and receiving.

It's OK to receive as well as give.

Darkness Falls posted 10/24/2020 13:22 PM

I have no advice but Iím so sorry to hear of your Hís diagnosis.

Justsomeguy posted 10/24/2020 13:45 PM

Speaking as a BS, I'm assuming you are pretty empstheitc and giving, so the thought of orgasming without your partner doing the same might seem like you are taking it stealing something. At least that's how it would feel for me. What if you reversed the situation? How woul you, being a giver, feel about giving something to the one you loved? Now how would you feel about them being unable to receive it? Intimacy comes in all forms, and it is wonderful that you can sti experience it even if it is not the same exact experience. Maybe you, like I, need to learn HOW to receive and gi e ourselves permission to do so. Hoping good things for you.

siracha posted 10/24/2020 16:49 PM

Girlfriend , you know the journey is often the destination, ( read other replies later- already been said ) map out a cute authentic night for yourselves , massages , erotica candles the works.
There are a whole bunch of tantric exercises out there where you can enjoy each others bodies and if it leads to a finish thats great but if not still good .

[This message edited by siracha at 6:37 PM, October 24th (Saturday)]

rambler posted 10/25/2020 10:04 AM

So sorry to hear.

You both are trying too hard.

swmnbc posted 10/25/2020 21:20 PM

You say,

I feel guilty, I feel so sad, I feel ashamed and selfish.

Can you elaborate more on that? What do you feel guilty about? Why do you feel ashamed and selfish?

We tried and I couldn't climax and he works so fucking hard.

This sounds to me like you only tried once? I could be wrong.

What was your libido like before your husband's diagnosis?

hopefull77 posted 10/26/2020 05:49 AM


ChamomileTea posted 10/26/2020 07:27 AM

I'm so sorry. What a blow.

I have to think that protecting the honesty and connection between you two is more important than ever though. Toward that end, maybe you should talk about your grief with him, let him know that the last thing on your list right now is sex. Anxiety and fear aren't exactly aphrodisiacs, right? Let him know that you do want to be held and comforted and that you want to do the same for him. Assure him that if you do start feeling amorous, you'll tell him right away.

The end of the sexual relationship is a part of the life process and you're sharing that with him for right now. It gives you both the opportunity to find new ways to express the depth of your love. So, it's not so much about deprivation as it is about sharing a new experience together. Sad as it is, even the end of life stage can present opportunities for growth as you find new ways to appreciate being together.

((huge hugs))

hikingout posted 10/26/2020 08:13 AM

I am sorry to hear about your husband. I can't imagine what you are going through.

I have an older friend who's husband can't perform anymore due to health issues. What she learned is that the maintenance of sexual intimacy was still a need for him even though he could not function in that way. The touching and being close, kissing, and yes pleasing her was still part of their special bond. You feel because it's one sided it's selfish for you. I think if you communicate, mentally he still needs this. And, I can understand that you can't get into it, but if you think of the intimacy and love between you and him wanting that to still be expressed physically, maybe it will help you stop seeing it as so one sided.

Easier said than done, I understand because of my husbands back surgery and recovery last year. I know that part of my hype there comes from his hype and when he couldn't show it, I had a hard time escalating. Anyway, it's possibly a change of mindset, think about it as intimacy and affection and maybe take away the climax as a goal.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:05 AM, October 26th (Monday)]

tushnurse posted 10/26/2020 08:44 AM

Not sure where the mental hang up is for you.

You love your H, he loves you. He wants to help you enjoy yourself, and while physically he can't have the same result, he will find a lot of happiness in pleasing you.
How is that selfish?

Let it go. You know all too well that life is short. Let him have whatever he wants. I say relax, have a glass of wine (or whatever your drink of choice is) break out the Hitachi, and let him have at it. It's not always necessary for both of you O, but that intimate time and closeness is healthy and good for both of you.

Unhinged posted 10/26/2020 08:56 AM

(((SMS))). I'm so sorry to have read this. You must be pretty scared. I wish there was something, anything, I could say to help.

I'd imagine your husband just wants to be close to you, to be intimate, to enjoy what's left of his life with you. I'm sure it's weird and uncomfortable, unfamiliar and surreal.

Follow your heart, you know?

MrCleanSlate posted 10/26/2020 10:33 AM


Reminds me of my younger brother in hospital dying of liver cancer.

One day I brought beers to his hospital room and we started to shoot the shit.

Before leaving that day he smiled and thanked me - Bro, I lived again tonight.

Sometimes it is just about wanting to live still.

fooled13years posted 10/26/2020 10:40 AM

Whether physically able with the equipment God gives a man or whether something purchased at an adult store, there is something special to a man when he is able to curl his wife's toes.

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