"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

TwoDozen posted 10/23/2020 06:38 AM

My best friend who until very recently was my only source of support is going through his own arguably more serious issues right now. I’ve been there for him too but....

Anyway his wife is very very ill with no end in sight to the complications she is dealing with.

My mate messaged me yesterday to vent, get some shit off his chest, and so he should. But he signed his message off with something that really bothered me and tells me that even though I’ve told him numerous times how much this has affected me, He’s had all the details, I mean it nearly killed me, he just will never get it, so why should I expect my WGF to get it either.

He signed his message off with something along the lines of “a couple of hours with a young hot chick would help”

Seriously am I the only person I know who doesn’t want to sleep with someone else other than my SO? Am i the weird one?

Rant over.

Justsomeguy posted 10/23/2020 08:20 AM

Prior to Dday#2, during which I got the actual truth about the PA and ONS, the thought of even touching another woman was sickening to me, so I get warning to be with only one person. After, I was a mess. It's been just over 2.5 years and I'm getting better. I S mind you, so your road is different. Don't expect your mate to get it. He hasn't bee there and hopefully never will. I don't wish this on anyone.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 10/23/2020 10:32 AM

Seriously am I the only person I know who doesn’t want to sleep with someone else other than my SO? Am i the weird one?

Until I joined SI I used to be of the mindset that if any man could have the option of having sex with someone other than their wife if their wife would never find out...the man would take that option.

I was so WRONG. I have seen such STRONG men on here and it was so refreshing to KNOW that there ARE men who wouldn't take that option.

Some of us do eventually get it...I just wanted to let you know .

Happenedtome2 posted 10/23/2020 10:54 AM

I absolutely see your side. You are not alone.

This0is0Fine posted 10/23/2020 12:00 PM

Some people fundamentally do not want committed monogamy, but go along with it.

I for one prefer committed monogamy. I think anyone that is offered a hall pass to make up for your cheating spouse doesn't have anything close to the right mindset to understand the damage caused.

TwoDozen posted 10/23/2020 12:42 PM

Until I joined SI I used to be of the mindset that if any man could have the option of having sex with someone other than their wife if their wife would never find out...the man would take that option.
I was so WRONG. I have seen such STRONG men on here and it was so refreshing to KNOW that there ARE men who wouldn't take that option.

Welllllllllllllll.............just kidding, yeah I know I’m a f*cking unicorn

I for one prefer committed monogamy. I think anyone that is offered a hall pass to make up for your cheating spouse doesn't have anything close to the right mindset to understand the damage caused.

Yeah I got offered that, a ONS to make it all okay. So I said no, I need 3 months EA/PA is that still okay. She said no of course 🤣

Thanksgiving2016 posted 10/23/2020 21:55 PM

Honestly he sounds like a wayward to me. I would have to say how disrespectful to his wife that comment is.

The1stWife posted 10/24/2020 10:49 AM

I would have to say how disrespectful to his wife that comment is.

People say and do odd things in times of duress.

How sad for his wife if he’s the type that means this.

sisoon posted 10/24/2020 13:25 PM

Seriously am I the only person I know who doesn’t want to sleep with someone else other than my SO? Am i the weird one?

Well, I'm still hooked on my W.

I would very much like to be 50 years younger, knowing what I know now, and with my W though. We both looked and felt better 50 years ago. That could count as wanting a young hot chick....

Tanner posted 10/24/2020 13:52 PM

Seriously am I the only person I know who doesn’t want to sleep with someone else other than my SO? Am i the weird one?

You are not alone, most men talk a lot of shit like this. Now that I know how devastating infidelity is, I know for sure I would never cheat.

LLXC posted 10/24/2020 15:18 PM

I think WANTING to have sex with aomeone else is very different from actually having sex with someone other than their SO.

I'd wanted to with plenty of people who weren't my ex. Did I do anything about it? No.

I know a few people who only want sex with their SO. The vast majority are committed to monomagy and wpuld never act on that desire. Aaand then there are the cheaters.

siracha posted 10/24/2020 17:03 PM

He has probably been crying / feeling emasculated and is over compensating

CaptainRogers posted 10/24/2020 20:49 PM

I think we have discussed your buddy a time or two and his propensity for wandering where he should not tread.

Ultimately, the wayward will never truly "get it". They will never really, fully understand the devastation caused by their amazingly selfish choices. Not gonna happen.

Shoot, if it could happen, there would be no need for SI.

They (and others around us who have never experienced infidelity personally) can make an effort at empathy based on some other type of hurt that they may have experienced previously, but they will NEVER know the true sting without going through it themselves.

I guess what I'm saying is that your friend has his own stress to work on and doesn't seem to be worthy of helping shoulder your load.

But that's why we are here. We know. We get it. We've been there, done that, already wore out the t-shirt.

With that said...no, you're not the only one who would rather remain faithful. Remaining faithful is the harder, more selfless thing to do. Being selfish and just wanting to hop in bed with a new toy (be it young or old) is a horrible attempt at escaping reality.

Welcome to the hard stuff my friend...reality is a hard, hard thing.

TwoDozen posted 10/26/2020 04:09 AM

He has probably been crying / feeling emasculated and is over compensating

Without a doubt he’s been crying. I’m a grown ass man but he’s a f*cking grizzly bear and watching him break down is not pleasant.

Welcome to the hard stuff my friend...reality is a hard, hard thing. to the hard stuff my friend...reality is a hard, hard thing.

Erm thanks I guess 😀 I had this same conversation with my IC a couple of weeks back. Like I’ve just woken up to how the world really works and it sucks big time. Finding out that everyone doesn’t share your same level of integrity and honesty is nothing short of life changing. Nothing in my former blessed existence prepared me for this.

I know how devastating infidelity is, I know for sure I would never cheat.

And so should he now knowing what I’ve been through. But it’s okay cause he ended his message with “don’t judge me” 🙄

CaptainRogers posted 10/26/2020 15:57 PM

Like I’ve just woken up to how the world really works and it sucks big time.

Yes, Neo. You now see just how far down the rabbit hole goes...and there's no turning back.

Having those eyes opened to the world around you...is very, very hard. So much selfishness. So much "I don't care about anyone else." When you have those glasses taken off, the world becomes a dingy, dark place.

But the good part of this...you now have your eyes wide open. 😁

KingofNothing posted 10/26/2020 16:04 PM

Seriously am I the only person I know who doesn’t want to sleep with someone else other than my SO? Am i the weird one?

No, you're not. I honestly had very little desire for sex after I was on the receiving end of adultery. It was (more or less) a feeling of.. "this activity has been ruined" for me.

Booyah posted 10/26/2020 16:34 PM

My opinion...cut your friend some slack.

You said his wife is "very very ill with no end in sight to the complications she is dealing with".

Don't get bent out of shape by his comment. He obviously has a serious issue he's dealing with and his thought process is all over the place.

HFSSC posted 10/26/2020 16:47 PM

I've learned a couple or three things in my life that have helped me in situations like this. One is what several PP have said-- most people have no idea how horrific infidelity is and the trauma that it creates.

Another is that people will often say stupid, abysmal things. Sometimes it is intentionally hurtful. I believe that more often than not, there is no intent to be hurtful. Maybe they were trying to be helpful but have no idea what to say. Or maybe what my XH used to call the Dumb Demon just took over. That's happened to me. I've said something and immediately realized how awful it sounded. Now, the healthy adult response is to immediately own your mistake. "Oh my goodness! I can't believe I just said that. Please forgive me.". But we're not all healthy adults. So what happens instead is the person who said the stupid thing sits there and hopes like hell the other person didn't notice. Maybe forge ahead with the conversation, maybe change the subject. And the recipient is left wondering wtf.

I'm going to circle back to this.

The third thing I've learned is that our own problems, trials, tragedies and sufferings are HUGE to us. We lived them. We experienced them. It's hard to imagine that every single big awful thing that happened to me is not remembered by people around me. Right? I mean, my H cheated on me and left me and it was quite public. I was pregnant at 19, worked and stayed in nursing school until days before I delivered, and gave my baby up for adoption. Went right back to work and college. How could anyone not remember something so tragic? My son has epilepsy and is significantly disabled. Everyone who knows me knows this.

The honest truth is that my stuff is big and important to me and those closest to me. Your stuff is big to you. It's very easy, especially when someone is going thru their own mess, to just forget one of the BIG things of someone else. Even someone you love and care about.

Circling back to my previous point and pulling it together with the third, I've been the recipient of some awful, stupid comments and questions. After my daughter was born, I'd inevitably encounter, "How is your BABY????" conversations. ( no harm, no foul there. It's a fair question when you've seen a woman balloon with pregnancy and then suddenly deflated.) I'd typically say, "I gave my baby up for adoption, and it's okay. You couldn't have known that." Lord, some of the replies, you wouldn't believe. I was chastised for the choice I made. I was told, " Oh, that hurts me so much". Told horror stories of adoptions gone wrong and child abuse. Later on, people made comments in my presence that were insensitive at best.

People who know JM and my story will joke in our presence about the milkman's baby or some other supposedly funny thing about infidelity or marriage.

I had a good friend/boss who told a joke that involved an epileptic seizure as the punch line over dinner one night. I sat there stunned for a second. To his credit, he immediately realized what he'd done and apologized.

As I said earlier, I have made my share of boneheaded comments. One of the worst ever was when I decided to tell a story my dad had told me about an inmate trying to hang himself with an ace bandage. It just stretched and he bounced off the floor and broke his ankle. Funny, right? Except one of our coworkers had just buried her father who had taken his own life.

All of this is to say I found a tool that has given me peace. Whenever anyone says something to me that is stupid/hurtful/triggery, I try to ascribe the best possible motive and respond in that way. Maybe they are trying to be helpful or comforting but the words came out wrong. Maybe they are in the middle of something hard and they forgot my BIG thing. Whatever. I just find an interpretation that allows me to move on without being hurt. Are there people being deliberately hurtful who might get a pass?? Absolutely.

So what? A confrontation may cause more distress and hurt. If they were trying to hurt me then my not reacting or even responding as though they had blessed me will confuse or upset them. To me, that's a win-win deal. And I have peace.