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A day in the life, R down the road a ways

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waitedwaytoolong posted 10/17/2020 16:00 PM

So very happy to hear this. You are truly a success story here. And a great role model

TwoDozen posted 10/21/2020 03:18 AM

@Oldwounds thanks for posting. As many have said before it helps us betrayed men to know it is possible, not just for another hit on the hopium pipe but just to know that were not at attempting the impossible, just maybe improbable.

My question, you wrote


She cuddles beside me, rubs my back and shoulders, runs her fingers through my hair. If I have questions, I ask them. I don't ask many questions anymore
.

May I ask you after so many years what questions you may still have. Appreciate you say you dont ask many these days but indicates you still ask some. Are these just for reassurance or do you still ask things re the A.

Im only 10 months out. I have all the A details I want (I think) still stuck with the whys and hows but once (if) I get them will I have a ton more questions afterwards?

Oldwounds posted 10/21/2020 09:29 AM

Im only 10 months out. I have all the A details I want (I think) still stuck with the whys and hows but once (if) I get them will I have a ton more questions afterwards?

Hey TD,

Great question. These days, I ask more about specific moments in our lives for state of mind at the time kind of deal. I guess I try to figure out which days we were actually doing well and if some of our shared memories line up at all.

Some couples in recovery consider the old marriage dead and whatever is being rebuilt now as a new marriage. Other couples recognize the whole relationship, even the off the rails moments. I guess we do both. Were building something new and we still look at the good days we had before the A.

So, my questions now tend to look for some of those memories to see if they were part of what we did right or if it contributed to a disconnect or caused some distance between us.

Marriage cant cause cheating. But I do believe the stronger the relationship overall, the better or I cant see any reason to stay.

Ultimately, in your current search for reason about an unreasonable choice by your wife, is still a good mission to be on. Despite the fact there are no good reasons to ever cheat, we learn a lot about how safe our partners can be by exploring the depths of their fall. We all do self loathing and wrestle with our self esteem at times, but not all of us cheat.

Basically, once I understood my wife betrayed her own values, I had to make sure her coping mechanisms are much stronger if and when adversity strikes again. The endless questions tend to act as a trust building exercise when she reveals those inner feelings she chose NOT to share before her shitty choices.

Hope doesnt rebuild much, but honest answers to tough questions gave us a chance.

Walloped posted 10/21/2020 10:35 AM

R is hard because marriage is uphill a lot of times without infidelity. Its extra tough to get back on the same page once one person has hurt the other.

No magic, no rainbows, just a lot of hard work for two souls who arent ready to give up on the other.


TRUTH

Fantastic post.

TwoDozen posted 10/22/2020 08:15 AM

Basically, once I understood my wife betrayed her own values, I had to make sure her coping mechanisms are much stronger if and when adversity strikes again. The endless questions tend to act as a trust building exercise when she reveals those inner feelings she chose NOT to share before her shitty choices.

Thanks OldWounds I think I am on the right track with my expectations maybe not on the deliverables yet

Iwillbe0k posted 10/23/2020 23:27 PM

Thank you for your post. I love reading updates like yours.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 10/24/2020 08:29 AM

Weve overcome adversity we didnt think we could. We learned love wasnt enough or at least the word love as we previously understood it. Weve learned that a healthy relationship is about giving, not taking, about kindness and not competition for the attention of the other.

Thank you Oldwounds. Its always good to hear positive updates. HT and I are not empty nesters quite yet, but we are starting to get a taste for it as the kiddos are learning to juggle school and work.

I have been here a long time and I feel that part of the problem with the representation of reconciliation is that many healed partners move on from the support of this site. Many of those that are actively posting about their journey with R are doing so from a fairly fresh perspective. For those that stay, your presence here is much appreciated. I also love that you added this.

Ill never care how people get clear of infidelity, be it a quick divorce and a new start, or those of us who find a way to restore their marriage. I just want people to make it to the other side of the pain.

That is what this site is truly about. Not every marriage is meant to be saved, but every person that has been impacted by the pain of infidelity deserves to heal.

Thanks for the update. May you and your wife continue on a path that brings you both happiness.

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