Oldwounds posted 10/15/2020 12:52 PM

A day in my life.

Around four and half years later, mornings are still the toughest part of the day. It’s that quick mental inventory that yes, indeed, the nightmares weren’t imaginary, they were real.

My wife understands this, every single morning since she confessed her A, she wakes up 90-minutes before me, works out, showers and crawls into bed with me. She cuddles beside me, rubs my back and shoulders, runs her fingers through my hair. If I have questions, I ask them. I don't ask many questions anymore. Sometimes her kindness leads to fooling around, other times just a hug.

But she works on our connection every - single - day.

Based on current world events, we have breakfast and go to our respective home offices. Our youngest son had moved back in for a while, found a new job and moved back out a couple months ago. We miss him, but it’s back to empty nest.

Based on meetings and schedules we try to time it out to have lunch together everyday, and then back to work.

In the evening, we wrestle eternally with the ‘what’s for dinner?’ dilemma, and found a couple in-home cooked meal programs we like a lot.

I should be walking more, old Marine Corps knee injury has slowed me to the point I should probably get it looked at. But sometimes we get a walk in, sometimes we read together, and a lot of nights we watch some of our favorite movies and shows.

It’s as normal as life can be in area covered in smoke the last three months because of wildfires, and a pandemic that limits a lot of our normal choices.

We’ve overcome adversity we didn’t think we could. We learned love wasn’t enough — or at least the word love as we previously understood it. We’ve learned that a healthy relationship is about giving, not taking, about kindness and not competition for the attention of the other.

We definitely used to live in a ‘what have you done for me lately?’ environment.

She’s grateful for this opportunity to show me that the worst version of herself — is not who she wants to be. In that sense, I still believe the first person a WS betrays is themselves and their own standards. I’ll grant a number of WS never own or understand their actions, or the pain they caused, but some do.

I’ve seen recent, thoughtful threads regarding the abusive nature of infidelity. I agree. The key for reconciliation is that the person who made those choices has to learn a lot, including how to help the relationship heal from that lack of empathy that happens during every A.

We can’t control our spouses, we can’t control much of anything in life but we can choose how to respond to trauma and adversity.

I’ll never care how people get clear of infidelity, be it a quick divorce and a new start, or those of us who find a way to restore their marriage. I just want people to make it to the other side of the pain.

There is a lot of projection about those of us who stay. It ain’t easy getting back to happy, but it happens. This entire place is founded by a couple who reconciled. Their love and care for each other inspired me and others to find a way back as well.

R is hard because marriage is uphill a lot of times without infidelity. It’s extra tough to get back on the same page once one person has hurt the other.

No magic, no rainbows, just a lot of hard work for two souls who aren’t ready to give up on the other. And no one ever deserves a second chance, but in my case, I’m glad I offered grace.

Notthevictem posted 10/15/2020 13:03 PM

Great post!

sisoon posted 10/15/2020 14:31 PM

Well, we're retired, I wake up if my W wakes up, and my W doesn't do much working out (though she does exercises for weight-bearing and joint health).

What strikes me about your post is that there are a lot of differences between our demographics. There are some differences in how we word things. At a meta-level, though, the similarities are, well, striking.

For example, giving up control, knowing love isn't enough, working on the relationship every day, focusing on our own health, giving to each other, feeling free to ask questions, getting honest answers, etc., etc., etc. - all of these seem critical to R and to recovery.

Makes me think of Tolstoy on happy Ms all being alike and unhappy Ms being unique. I'd look for the quote, but I disagree with Tolstoy on this.

Anyway, thanks for your post. I'm glad you and your W are doing well. I hope you keep posting and sharing your experience and wisdom.

Thumos posted 10/15/2020 14:40 PM

Thanks for the thoughtful and well written update. I am glad to hear how this is going for you. Your wife sounds like someone who truly gets it. Keep on keepin' on.

Booyah posted 10/15/2020 14:54 PM

"It ain't easy getting back to happy, but it happens".

I think you left a word out here.

That word is "can" as in "it can happen".

It happened for you and that's great, but in no way does that mean it will happen for everyone.

Spend any time on here and you see story after story where R didn't work out.

Sometimes finding "happy" is going your separate ways because infidelity is just a deal breaker and trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together is an exercise in futility.

Oldwounds posted 10/15/2020 15:36 PM

Hey Booyah -

I think you left a word out here.

Nope. I chose all the words I wanted to use.

Top line is — “A day in my life.”

Not yours, or anyone else here.

Of course, happy would happen for me whether I stayed or got out. That’s me.

It happened for you and that's great, but in no way does that mean it will happen for everyone.

I agree. In fact, if you read the whole post you would have read this from me:

“I’ll never care how people get clear of infidelity, be it a quick divorce and a new start or those of us who find a way to restore their marriage. I just want people to make it to the other side of the pain.”

Spend any time on here and you see story after story where R didn't work out.

I spent so much time here at one point, I was honored to be a member of the SI volunteer staff. I’m well read on the stories here. I understand a lot of people move on, including a bunch of the people I met here, and I was just as happy they got out as I am for the people that rebuilt their relationships.

The point of my post was to offer a reminder it doesn’t always end up unhappy. I’m not the first, nor will I be the last one to restore a relationship from the Hell of infidelity.

Thissucks5678 posted 10/15/2020 17:46 PM

I love this post.

There has been a lot of negativity it seems around reconciliation and sometimes it’s hard not to feel defensive.

I know how I’ve struggled over the years, it has not been easy. But I do think it’s worth it and I am so glad I tried. My WH is a completely different person than he was predday, the change is just insane. I like him so much more now. Sure I wish it didn’t take an affair to get him there, I would have much preferred a different route. But an affair is what happened and so far we have persevered. I like who I am now a lot more too.

I look forward living a day in your life Oldwounds and Sissoon -we still have a house full of kids and are both working in outside offices. Someday:)

Brokenandsolost posted 10/15/2020 18:16 PM

That was so powerful to read. And it gives hope that with the proper work and dedication life can become happier again. Thank you so much for sharing such an inspiring post.

Sadwife53 posted 10/15/2020 18:27 PM

I love this post. Thank you Oldwounds.

Hippo16 posted 10/15/2020 20:08 PM

Even Old wounds heal - but the scar is forever.

I hope you get your knee looked over. Medical care has made great strides in sorting out joints.

Good to read you are on good ground now.

Booyah posted 10/15/2020 23:25 PM

"The point of my post was to offer a reminder it doesn't always end up unhappy".

Thank you for making my point.

Thus why I said it "can happen" as opposed to "it happens".

Not trying to argue with you and glad it worked out for you but countless other stories where it winds up "unhappy".

OrdinaryDude posted 10/16/2020 00:53 AM

Thanks for the encouragement.

iamanidiot posted 10/16/2020 02:21 AM

Hey Oldwounds - GREAT update.

Yes, I get that this is your story & your view, doesn't always work for everyone else

But your words have always inspired me to do better & the inspiration I get from this is that life is a journey shared, learning the good & the bad - as you go along the way.
That life is each one doing his are her own bit, NOT only to make that journey together, but to help each other along the way.

Thank you for sharing
Your best post yet, I think.

20yrwaste posted 10/16/2020 03:35 AM

I love this post
I joined around the same time as you and can say we are really at the same point.

It doesn’t overwhelm me everyday like it used to. But I will never have that blind trust like I had before.

We are comfortable, affectionate and I have learned to stand up for my self and call him out when needs be. I always kept the peace and tolerated a lot.

Reconciliation can happen, it’s not all romance and roses. Its more of a mutual respect and kindness towards each other.

Thanks for the post and the update.

strugglebus posted 10/16/2020 14:39 PM

I’m so glad that you are in a good place, OldWounds. You more than deserve all the happiness :)

In a place that is overwhelming in its proof that affairs are destructive and can destroy lives, positive outcome stories are so vital. Especially ones that spell out the hard work put in. When I first arrived here posts like these kept me afloat. It’s hard to do all the work of healing if you feel like you are doomed no matter what.

I’m so glad your outcome has been positive because I remember you at the beginning of your journey. Here’s to more happy years in the future!

secondtime posted 10/16/2020 15:20 PM

Thank you for saying that you learned love was never enough.

I always feel like something is "wrong" with me because I never married just because of love.

I mean, sure, that was part of why I married my husband.

But, I knew love wasn't enough to make a partner, well, a partner. Love doesn't pay the bills, wash puke off kids at midnight, or help decorate the house at Christmas. Someone interested in a real partnership does those things.

I'm not sure what I'm doing about reconciliation. I'm 3.5 years out from DDay2...(not trickle truth, but a whole separate incident 10 years away from DDay1). I have a lot to work out personally. I'm not afraid of being alone. But a life with a partner, especially with (young) kids, is easier than a life without. I'm not sure if I'm confusing that ease with mature love that normally happens in couples that are quite a bit older than us.

But, it's enough for me to stay now, because we still have that partnership. If I would have married just for love, I would have been long gone by now.

sshawness posted 10/16/2020 18:48 PM

Your words and your story are so inspiring. Thank you for sharing.

Unhinged posted 10/16/2020 19:20 PM

Sometimes, brother, you restore my faith.

Now, copy and paste this to the PRS thread and make W2BHA happy again.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 10/17/2020 13:58 PM

I got on here today...read this AWESOME post...went down the thread to click "Reply"...and read the post Unhinged wrote !!! Thanks Lil Bro!!!

Oldwounds...I know you already contributed to the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread many times...but I am sure you have seen several BH's writing about how they don't see that many stories in that thread from a BH's perspective. It would be awesome to have THIS post in that thread . It would be even AWESOMER if some of you other BH's share YOUR positive stories too...even if they include fart jokes !!!

Mornings never bothered me because I pray before I get out of bed...and for the most part it is prayers of gratitude . It is bedtime that is the worst for me though. It is because every time they fucked...it was right after they went to bed. My H would get ready first...then the adultery co-conspirator. This meant that she would get in bed last. So I get ready for bed first now. This helped me to not have to deal with the trigger of seeing him in bed first...waiting on me...like he did with the adultery co-conspirator. It has become routine now...and I don't care to change things just to OWN that trigger. So...in a way...I think that makes me OWN it !!!

Being a Marine yourself...you probably understand better than most the HUGE shame my H feels because he didn't live up to the Marine motto "Semper Fi". What used to bring him happiness...to be part of the few...the proud...has now reduced him to tears for not living up to being a Marine. He feels even worse for letting God down. But I can help him with these feelings of shame . I believe this is something that ADDS to our M...that we now HELP each other instead of being critical!

HardKnocks posted 10/17/2020 15:59 PM

Thank you, Oldwounds.

I hope you never stop posting.