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Reconciliation :
A day in the life, R down the road a ways

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 Oldwounds (original poster member #54486) posted at 6:52 PM on Thursday, October 15th, 2020

A day in my life.

Around four and half years later, mornings are still the toughest part of the day. It’s that quick mental inventory that yes, indeed, the nightmares weren’t imaginary, they were real.

My wife understands this, every single morning since she confessed her A, she wakes up 90-minutes before me, works out, showers and crawls into bed with me. She cuddles beside me, rubs my back and shoulders, runs her fingers through my hair. If I have questions, I ask them. I don't ask many questions anymore. Sometimes her kindness leads to fooling around, other times just a hug.

But she works on our connection every - single - day.

Based on current world events, we have breakfast and go to our respective home offices. Our youngest son had moved back in for a while, found a new job and moved back out a couple months ago. We miss him, but it’s back to empty nest.

Based on meetings and schedules we try to time it out to have lunch together everyday, and then back to work.

In the evening, we wrestle eternally with the ‘what’s for dinner?’ dilemma, and found a couple in-home cooked meal programs we like a lot.

I should be walking more, old Marine Corps knee injury has slowed me to the point I should probably get it looked at. But sometimes we get a walk in, sometimes we read together, and a lot of nights we watch some of our favorite movies and shows.

It’s as normal as life can be in area covered in smoke the last three months because of wildfires, and a pandemic that limits a lot of our normal choices.

We’ve overcome adversity we didn’t think we could. We learned love wasn’t enough — or at least the word love as we previously understood it. We’ve learned that a healthy relationship is about giving, not taking, about kindness and not competition for the attention of the other.

We definitely used to live in a ‘what have you done for me lately?’ environment.

She’s grateful for this opportunity to show me that the worst version of herself — is not who she wants to be. In that sense, I still believe the first person a WS betrays is themselves and their own standards. I’ll grant a number of WS never own or understand their actions, or the pain they caused, but some do.

I’ve seen recent, thoughtful threads regarding the abusive nature of infidelity. I agree. The key for reconciliation is that the person who made those choices has to learn a lot, including how to help the relationship heal from that lack of empathy that happens during every A.

We can’t control our spouses, we can’t control much of anything in life but we can choose how to respond to trauma and adversity.

I’ll never care how people get clear of infidelity, be it a quick divorce and a new start, or those of us who find a way to restore their marriage. I just want people to make it to the other side of the pain.

There is a lot of projection about those of us who stay. It ain’t easy getting back to happy, but it happens. This entire place is founded by a couple who reconciled. Their love and care for each other inspired me and others to find a way back as well.

R is hard because marriage is uphill a lot of times without infidelity. It’s extra tough to get back on the same page once one person has hurt the other.

No magic, no rainbows, just a lot of hard work for two souls who aren’t ready to give up on the other. And no one ever deserves a second chance, but in my case, I’m glad I offered grace.

Married 36+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived.
M Restored
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4885   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 8597953
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Notthevictem ( member #44389) posted at 7:03 PM on Thursday, October 15th, 2020

Great post!

BH
DDAY Mar 2014
Widowed 2022 - breast cancer

posts: 13534   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2014   ·   location: Washington State
id 8597954
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 8:31 PM on Thursday, October 15th, 2020

Well, we're retired, I wake up if my W wakes up, and my W doesn't do much working out (though she does exercises for weight-bearing and joint health).

What strikes me about your post is that there are a lot of differences between our demographics. There are some differences in how we word things. At a meta-level, though, the similarities are, well, striking.

For example, giving up control, knowing love isn't enough, working on the relationship every day, focusing on our own health, giving to each other, feeling free to ask questions, getting honest answers, etc., etc., etc. - all of these seem critical to R and to recovery.

Makes me think of Tolstoy on happy Ms all being alike and unhappy Ms being unique. I'd look for the quote, but I disagree with Tolstoy on this.

Anyway, thanks for your post. I'm glad you and your W are doing well. I hope you keep posting and sharing your experience and wisdom.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 31114   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8597993
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 8:40 PM on Thursday, October 15th, 2020

Thanks for the thoughtful and well written update. I am glad to hear how this is going for you. Your wife sounds like someone who truly gets it. Keep on keepin' on.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4598   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8598001
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Booyah ( member #60124) posted at 8:54 PM on Thursday, October 15th, 2020

"It ain't easy getting back to happy, but it happens".

I think you left a word out here.

That word is "can" as in "it can happen".

It happened for you and that's great, but in no way does that mean it will happen for everyone.

Spend any time on here and you see story after story where R didn't work out.

Sometimes finding "happy" is going your separate ways because infidelity is just a deal breaker and trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together is an exercise in futility.

posts: 1254   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2017
id 8598013
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 Oldwounds (original poster member #54486) posted at 9:36 PM on Thursday, October 15th, 2020

Hey Booyah -

I think you left a word out here.

Nope. I chose all the words I wanted to use.

Top line is — “A day in my life.”

Not yours, or anyone else here.

Of course, happy would happen for me whether I stayed or got out. That’s me.

It happened for you and that's great, but in no way does that mean it will happen for everyone.

I agree. In fact, if you read the whole post you would have read this from me:

“I’ll never care how people get clear of infidelity, be it a quick divorce and a new start or those of us who find a way to restore their marriage. I just want people to make it to the other side of the pain.”

Spend any time on here and you see story after story where R didn't work out.

I spent so much time here at one point, I was honored to be a member of the SI volunteer staff. I’m well read on the stories here. I understand a lot of people move on, including a bunch of the people I met here, and I was just as happy they got out as I am for the people that rebuilt their relationships.

The point of my post was to offer a reminder it doesn’t always end up unhappy. I’m not the first, nor will I be the last one to restore a relationship from the Hell of infidelity.

Married 36+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived.
M Restored
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4885   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 8598039
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Thissucks5678 ( member #54019) posted at 11:46 PM on Thursday, October 15th, 2020

I love this post.

There has been a lot of negativity it seems around reconciliation and sometimes it’s hard not to feel defensive.

I know how I’ve struggled over the years, it has not been easy. But I do think it’s worth it and I am so glad I tried. My WH is a completely different person than he was predday, the change is just insane. I like him so much more now. Sure I wish it didn’t take an affair to get him there, I would have much preferred a different route. But an affair is what happened and so far we have persevered. I like who I am now a lot more too.

I look forward living a day in your life Oldwounds and Sissoon -we still have a house full of kids and are both working in outside offices. Someday:)

DDay: 6/2016

“Every test in our life makes us Bitter or Better. Every problem comes to Break Us or Make Us. The choice is ours whether to be Victim or Victor.” - unknown

posts: 1793   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2016
id 8598100
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Brokenandsolost ( member #71439) posted at 12:16 AM on Friday, October 16th, 2020

That was so powerful to read. And it gives hope that with the proper work and dedication life can become happier again. Thank you so much for sharing such an inspiring post.

Me - BS
WW - Regretitall
Dday 1 - July 19 2018 (EA, sexting) Dday 2 - Aug 29 2019 (Admitted to PA)

posts: 75   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Ontario, Canada
id 8598116
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Sadwife53 ( member #61415) posted at 12:27 AM on Friday, October 16th, 2020

I love this post. Thank you Oldwounds.

Me: 58 WH: 60 married 36 years, 4 adult children dday: 10/5/17 EA and PA with a 30yoStruggling at R

posts: 111   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2017   ·   location: PA
id 8598119
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Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 2:08 AM on Friday, October 16th, 2020

Even Old wounds heal - but the scar is forever.

I hope you get your knee looked over. Medical care has made great strides in sorting out joints.

Good to read you are on good ground now.

There's no troubled marriage that can't be made worse with adultery."For a person with integrity, there is no possibility of being unhappy enough in your marriage to have an affair, but not unhappy enough to ask for divorce."

posts: 991   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8598148
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Booyah ( member #60124) posted at 5:25 AM on Friday, October 16th, 2020

"The point of my post was to offer a reminder it doesn't always end up unhappy".

Thank you for making my point.

Thus why I said it "can happen" as opposed to "it happens".

Not trying to argue with you and glad it worked out for you but countless other stories where it winds up "unhappy".

posts: 1254   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2017
id 8598194
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OrdinaryDude ( member #55676) posted at 6:53 AM on Friday, October 16th, 2020

Thanks for the encouragement.

I was young and dumb and stayed with a cheater.

posts: 3427   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8598201
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iamanidiot ( member #47257) posted at 8:21 AM on Friday, October 16th, 2020

Hey Oldwounds - GREAT update.

Yes, I get that this is your story & your view, doesn't always work for everyone else

But your words have always inspired me to do better & the inspiration I get from this is that life is a journey shared, learning the good & the bad - as you go along the way.

That life is each one doing his are her own bit, NOT only to make that journey together, but to help each other along the way.

Thank you for sharing

Your best post yet, I think.

Me BS,57 Her WS,552 LTA & 2 ONS 30+years agoD-day 27/12/14At least I still have my sense of humor.I need it.Coming to grips with it all3 Adult childrenStill married

posts: 482   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2015   ·   location: South Africa
id 8598205
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20yrwaste ( member #53932) posted at 9:35 AM on Friday, October 16th, 2020

I love this post

I joined around the same time as you and can say we are really at the same point.

It doesn’t overwhelm me everyday like it used to. But I will never have that blind trust like I had before.

We are comfortable, affectionate and I have learned to stand up for my self and call him out when needs be. I always kept the peace and tolerated a lot.

Reconciliation can happen, it’s not all romance and roses. Its more of a mutual respect and kindness towards each other.

Thanks for the post and the update.

Me BS 51
Him WH 50 porn/sex addict in recovery
On Dday 20 years together 16 married.
You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough.

posts: 177   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2016   ·   location: U.K.
id 8598243
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strugglebus ( member #55656) posted at 8:39 PM on Friday, October 16th, 2020

I’m so glad that you are in a good place, OldWounds. You more than deserve all the happiness :)

In a place that is overwhelming in its proof that affairs are destructive and can destroy lives, positive outcome stories are so vital. Especially ones that spell out the hard work put in. When I first arrived here posts like these kept me afloat. It’s hard to do all the work of healing if you feel like you are doomed no matter what.

I’m so glad your outcome has been positive because I remember you at the beginning of your journey. Here’s to more happy years in the future!

BS -DDay: 9/26/16- Double Betrayal

Happily reconciling.

Be True to your Word. Don't take things Personally. Don't Make Assumptions. Do Your Best.

posts: 2557   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2016
id 8598627
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secondtime ( member #58162) posted at 9:20 PM on Friday, October 16th, 2020

Thank you for saying that you learned love was never enough.

I always feel like something is "wrong" with me because I never married just because of love.

I mean, sure, that was part of why I married my husband.

But, I knew love wasn't enough to make a partner, well, a partner. Love doesn't pay the bills, wash puke off kids at midnight, or help decorate the house at Christmas. Someone interested in a real partnership does those things.

I'm not sure what I'm doing about reconciliation. I'm 3.5 years out from DDay2...(not trickle truth, but a whole separate incident 10 years away from DDay1). I have a lot to work out personally. I'm not afraid of being alone. But a life with a partner, especially with (young) kids, is easier than a life without. I'm not sure if I'm confusing that ease with mature love that normally happens in couples that are quite a bit older than us.

But, it's enough for me to stay now, because we still have that partnership. If I would have married just for love, I would have been long gone by now.

posts: 1106   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2017
id 8598645
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sshawness ( member #72588) posted at 12:48 AM on Saturday, October 17th, 2020

Your words and your story are so inspiring. Thank you for sharing.

"You can't be committed to your own bullshit and to your growth. It's one or the other." Scott Stabile

posts: 51   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8598733
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 1:20 AM on Saturday, October 17th, 2020

Sometimes, brother, you restore my faith.

Now, copy and paste this to the PRS thread and make W2BHA happy again.

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6738   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8598750
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 7:58 PM on Saturday, October 17th, 2020

I got on here today...read this AWESOME post...went down the thread to click "Reply"...and read the post Unhinged wrote !!! Thanks Lil Bro!!!

Oldwounds...I know you already contributed to the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread many times...but I am sure you have seen several BH's writing about how they don't see that many stories in that thread from a BH's perspective. It would be awesome to have THIS post in that thread . It would be even AWESOMER if some of you other BH's share YOUR positive stories too...even if they include fart jokes !!!

Mornings never bothered me because I pray before I get out of bed...and for the most part it is prayers of gratitude . It is bedtime that is the worst for me though. It is because every time they fucked...it was right after they went to bed. My H would get ready first...then the adultery co-conspirator. This meant that she would get in bed last. So I get ready for bed first now. This helped me to not have to deal with the trigger of seeing him in bed first...waiting on me...like he did with the adultery co-conspirator. It has become routine now...and I don't care to change things just to OWN that trigger. So...in a way...I think that makes me OWN it !!!

Being a Marine yourself...you probably understand better than most the HUGE shame my H feels because he didn't live up to the Marine motto "Semper Fi". What used to bring him happiness...to be part of the few...the proud...has now reduced him to tears for not living up to being a Marine. He feels even worse for letting God down. But I can help him with these feelings of shame . I believe this is something that ADDS to our M...that we now HELP each other instead of being critical!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6673   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8598956
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HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 9:59 PM on Saturday, October 17th, 2020

Thank you, Oldwounds.

I hope you never stop posting.

BW
Recovered
Reconciled

posts: 561   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8598994
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