"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

EllieKMAS posted 10/15/2020 08:43 AM

He is not going to leave . Why would he? He knows I’m a wimp and I won’t call the cops on him.

GIRL. You are NOT a wimp. You are a mom. You are frazzled. You are nervous about what comes next. You are a survivor of infidelity. You are a lot of things, but a fucking wimp is not one of them. You hear me??

And as for what he knows?? Ummm, this fucking asshat is a cheating sack of shit that abuses his wife and children for funsies and thinks he found 'twu wuv' with another cheating pos... pardon me for saying, but he doesn't seem like the sharpest tool in the shed to me.

Prove him wrong. You have a few days to put together a plan. Call the cops on him. Go for 'Shock and Awe'. This is your life now and you get to call the shots about what happens in it, not him anymore. FTG.

Catwoman posted 10/15/2020 09:24 AM

in July Wh signed a separation agreement that stated when I give him written notice that I want him to leave, he has 45 days to get out.

I keep telling him OCTOBER 18.

Was this filed with the court as part of a divorce action, or is this a "gentleman's agreement." If it is the latter, I don't know how much enforcement you could leverage. Do you have an attorney? Did you go about this with legal advice? I'm trying to help you figure out if this is even enforceable.

The issue is that if you're asking a LEO to enforce something, you need (in most jurisdictions) a legal status that needs enforcing. If this is treated like a lease, for example, there are normally processes that must happen to begin eviction proceedings. And of course, if he is on the house deed, he might be able to wrangle his way out of it.

Gotta, you need legal representation. You need to file for divorce and petition for emergency orders that include child support and exclusive use of the marital residence.

Enough is enough. This ends when you say it does.

Cat

99problems posted 10/15/2020 11:10 AM

I would like to echo the others and encourage you to get a lawyer and get the cops involved.
You can do this. We are rooting for you!

Planetx posted 10/15/2020 21:47 PM

You can do this! I agree with all the others. Call the cops and have them enforce the court order. I finally grew a backbone myself recently and had my XWH escorted away on a few occasions. The first time, it took about 5 minutes for him to leave and about 20 Minutes for one officer to stay and make a police report. The 2nd time, XWH took off before they even got there. It’s really not that big of an event, but it was so hard to make that call the first time!

aprilfool1985 posted 10/15/2020 22:06 PM

Gotta, please reread tush and neko above! Look at phone calls to lawyer and police as time invested in your new, less stressful life.
(I still get mad when I think of his making you do driving after a C-section, and I didn’t even have to experience that. Can you channel that?)

Anna123 posted 10/17/2020 09:09 AM

Ditto all of the above!

It's a half hour of discomfort (and the nerves leading up to it, I know), to gain a life-time of freedom to chart your own course AND most of all, you NEED to get your children away from that situation. They hear the arguing and feel the tension and it is upsetting them and affecting them in ways you can't imagine. It will only get worse as the discord grows.

little turtle posted 10/18/2020 12:16 PM

Today is the day!!!! How is it going? Have you called the police to escort him out?

Update us please!

Gottagetthrough posted 10/18/2020 17:06 PM

I did not call the police to have him escorted out. I will not lose anything by not doing it today. Someone asked if it’s filed with the court (it’s not) but I believe it’s more than a gentleman’s agreement as it states that it serves as a separation agreement. I do believe it’s legally binding.

Unfortunately, his job and my child support could be affected if the police are called... not if he just goes quietly, but if he were to be arrested, yes. And I admit the embarrassment would do me in. And my son has friends on our street, I worry that the parents wouldn’t want their kids to play with him.

I’m not in a spot to emotionally handle this. Two extended family members were diagnosed with cancer (one is terminal- pancreatic that’s has spread), I am depressed, I am having physical issues and I’m just plain tired.

I have reached out to a girlfriend for some great support.

I did think about the fact that it’s October 18 today... and I felt strange not having him out, however, I did do something for myself and am getting closer to going back to school and researching some programs seriously. I need to get a class or two under my belt to get recommendations. But I have schools to apply to (close to my family who’s out of state). It’s a little less “pie in the sky” now. I was talking to my son who was asking about college (he’s only 11) . I told him grad school is the best because you spend all day learning about the topic you love. I was telling him about getting my masters degree and remembering how fun it was. I realized just how much I want to be back to that. I have hung on to the “perfect family” dream for so long and tried so hard, and now I am letting that go and realizing that a new dream (going back for the PhD) is something that can take the place of my lost dream.

I have also asked my sister if she will take my youngest for a week or two in a few years so that I can complete a project related to this... and she said she’d love to. So again, fleshing my life plans out, making dreams more realistic .

I talked to my therapist and said I am just not at a place to kick him out. I do not want therapy or the thought of reconciliation with him. He’s screwed up too many times. It’s a lost cause. I will admit a few days ago wondering if I didn’t give him enough support when we had baby 3? If he started the EA to escape the stress of baby 3? Maybe I should be more understanding...

I have made plans to go out of state with family for the holidays. My kids have off thanksgiving into January, so it will be a long break, at my family’s. No going to the inlaws like usual. Therapist is supportive of my baby steps.

It will happen eventually, not today.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 5:11 PM, October 18th (Sunday)]

BearlyBreathing posted 10/18/2020 17:37 PM

Gotta,
It’s your life— so we’ll support what you need. I love your planning for your future. That’s awesome. But don’t linger too long here— limbo is hard

And as for supporting HIM after baby#3? Uh no. You could be perfect or horrible- his actions were all exactly that— HIS ACTIONS. And had nothing to do with you.

Sending mojo to you and your family —

ZenMumWalking posted 10/18/2020 23:39 PM

Having a police escort him out is to keep the peace, NOT to arrest him. Where did you get that idea from?

If you want that separation agreement, then you should enforce it.

homewrecked2011 posted 10/19/2020 04:33 AM

It’s like quitting smoking— it won’t be any easier next month or in 5 years. Since you have the separation agreement, can you call your atty and have him call your WS atty?

Can you call the non emergency police number and ask if the police can come over without lights, etc, just a simple show up in their car?

Also, I’m pretty sure your WS wants to keep his job.

Just tell him, you have to go, now, or you’re going back to court. He might leave.

Catwoman posted 10/19/2020 07:20 AM

Someone asked if it’s filed with the court (it’s not) but I believe it’s more than a gentleman’s agreement as it states that it serves as a separation agreement.

I could write a document and have my husband sign it and it could read that it served as a divorce, but that does not make it so.

You need legal advice. You probably need to file either for legal separation (if it is allowed in your state) or divorce in order to have a legally binding and enforceable agreement. This may not be enough to be enforceable.

I do believe it’s legally binding.

I suspect it might not be. Did you execute this with the counsel and guidance of an attorney?

Please seek professional advice. You run the risk of ending up in a worse situation if you do not.

Cat

Ratpicker posted 10/19/2020 07:55 AM

I'm glad Cat made that comment as I had been trying to word an explanation.

Gotta- while I would support any decision you make, I think you may be counting on some things that are not going to support you!

Unless something is filed with the court, it probably isn't going to be of much use for any enforcement. The agreement the two of you wrote would be a good starting point for an attorney to get started on your filing for divorce or legal separation. Maybe you can file the agreement with the court pro-se (on your own/no atty). One thing to keep in mind is when there is a legal agreement, failing to enforce it can make it unenforceable.

You really need to get some accurate legal advice for you jurisdiction. Some court websites have instructions on how to file pro-se or offer a seminar. Consider consulting with local attorney. Either way, you can make informed decisions- whatever those might be.

Bigger posted 10/19/2020 08:09 AM

As all advice on SI should be then this is offered with the purest of intentions:
Are you conflict avoidant?

If so, then please look into it. Get treatment, read books…

Countering conflict avoidance is not done by wading into conflicts, but rather by rectifying the conditions leading to conflicts. For example: You have now mentioned two conflicts that revolve around your home-location: Your husband refusing to leave and your neighbors from hell and their aspiring serial-killer son.
You could go head-on and confront the neighbors and head-on and throw your H out.

But you could also get other resolve. Like if you sell and move (as has been explained and discussed in that thread) you would get rid of the neighbors and I doubt the new owners would accept your husband as part of the package…

Or you could ensure the separation agreement has a better legal base and then enforce that.
But while you aren’t willing to resolve conflict… well… you are doomed to remain in conflict.

EllieKMAS posted 10/19/2020 09:12 AM

I believe it’s more than a gentleman’s agreement as it states that it serves as a separation agreement. I do believe it’s legally binding.

I just have to say - he didn't stick to his marriage vows, so why would you think he would honor any sort of agreement... gentlemen's, legal, or otherwise.

Gotta I can't imagine how difficult all this is when you have children in the mix, and a new baby, etc. But if nothing changes, then nothing changes. You been doing this dance with him for 10 years. He is demostrably NOT going to change; he isn't gonna pull his overlarge head from his ass and start behaving like a decent person. And so long as he thinks you are powerless and weak, he will continue to abuse and disrespect you and your kids. But you are not powerless or weak - you're scared and that's normal. Change is always scary, even if it's good.

Gottagetthrough posted 10/19/2020 11:36 AM

I suspect it might not be. Did you execute this with the counsel and guidance of an attorney?

Please seek professional advice. You run the risk of ending up in a worse situation if you do not

.

Yes. I retained my old divorce attorney back in February and he drew up this agreement. He is still on retainer, he has the agreement (signed and notarized in July)

He got escorted out of his last job. If the cops come, he won’t leave quietly.

Yes, I’m probably conflict avoidant.

I’m also deeply mourning the loss of the dream. I worked so hard to get my family back after the first affair. Then I worked so hard to have baby 3. (4 miscarriages in 4 years). So to have all of that hard work just crapped on and thrown out is absolutely devastating.

Couple that with the fact that my husband deals with the crazy neighbors (he’s yelled at them before when I just complain and do nothing) and he started his own business right after he left (due to ow2) his last job... and now that he’s in the private sector his earning potential just went up 50%. He even laughed when I was talking about divorce a few months ago and said, “you’ve been with me for 20 while I was in school or working for the state... now I’m going to start making money and you want to leave?”

I mean, it is kinda funny. In a damnit! Kind of way.

But we don’t have sex, don’t sleep in the same room, don’t do things together... for all intents and purposes we are separated.

crazyblindsided posted 10/19/2020 12:11 PM

“you’ve been with me for 20 while I was in school or working for the state... now I’m going to start making money and you want to leave?”

Mine said the same thing when I left. That now he isn't going to retire comfortably like he thought. Well no shit sherlock he should have thought that one through. My STBX was banking on me being so weak he thought I would never leave.

(((Gottagetthrough))) you will get there.

tushnurse posted 10/20/2020 14:34 PM

But we don’t have sex, don’t sleep in the same room, don’t do things together... for all intents and purposes we are separated

.

Except it isn't his toxic abuse is still ever present.
If you are not ready you are not ready.
However remember that his toxic abuse is effecting you and the kids. Slowly but surely you will get there. I believe that. Just keep in mind how happy and free of stress you were this summer away from him. That can be all the time.

Catwoman posted 10/20/2020 14:42 PM

Yes. I retained my old divorce attorney back in February and he drew up this agreement. He is still on retainer, he has the agreement (signed and notarized in July)

So this sounds like more of a gentleman's agreement, relying on voluntary compliance by both parties? Am I right?

If this is the case, (please check with your attorney), I do not believe you have enforcement capabilities.

The good news is that you have a very good start for a formal separation agreement or divorce.

I would think that you would want to get that executed as soon as possible. He's making decent money . . . for now . . . until he honks someone off.

Cat