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Should I tug at the loose ends to unravel a possible A?

SnappyT posted 10/2/2020 15:47 PM

I found you all after surfing the internet for advice, and have spent a lot of time today reading posts. I suspect that my husband might be having an affair. If it's not an affair, he's hiding something else. Thanks to COVID we are both home most of the time and it would probably be hard for him to get away for a PA, but definitely not hard for him to be having an EA.

He has been intentionally evasive about what he's doing when he's out of the house, but it's dumb stuff. For example, when taking our child to an appointment, he actively tried to hide the fact that they also went shopping to buy a new jacket. (Why would I care about that? It's a stupid thing to lie about.) There are a million other stupid little lies like this one; I can think of no reason to lie about some of the stuff he's lying about.

We haven't had sex since February, and even then it was already infrequent. We've been married for almost a decade and have known each other a little longer than that. We're at an impasse about having more kids, and so frankly, I just kind of thought that was dampening our sex life, but also, now, I think, maybe that's not all.

Then last night, the red flags went up: he told one of our teenagers that he thinks I am reading his e-mail and that they should change their password. I haven't had his e-mail password since very early in our relationship; he made this claim previously and changed the password, and that was that. The teenager confided in me that they thought this was strange and they didn't understand his concern.

Then our youngest child was playing a game on my husband's phone and got the lock screen after a period of inactivity. Our child knows the phone password (I use the same password), but couldn't unlock the phone and complained. My husband said to him, "oh, that's because I've changed the password on it."

My husband is not currently employed, so there is no policy even requiring a password at this point, but even if there were, why did he need to change the passcode?

I wasn't worried about his e-mail or his phone until he changed the passwords. Now I'm very curious about what he is trying to protect in there. I'm not sure I have the mental energy (and time) to snoop, but it seems like he's hiding something.

So at this point . . . what questions should I be asking myself, and what should I be asking him? I have no doubt that if I ask him point blank, he will lie. What should I do? What would you do?

[This message edited by SnappyT at 3:48 PM, October 2nd (Friday)]

Lalagirl posted 10/2/2020 15:56 PM

Welcome, SnappyT.

If he is already lying about little things, you can be certain he would not tell you the truth if he were being unfaithful.

A few suggestions:

- Ask to use his phone because yours is dead. If he has nothing to hide, he should have no issue giving it to you for that purpose. BTW, it's not "snooping," it's verifying.

- Put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car.

- Put a keylogger on the computer.

- Check phone records from your mobile provider.

The more he thinks you are onto anything, the better he will get at hiding stuff. He may be using one or a number of apps so if you do get his phone, check for them.

SnappyT posted 10/2/2020 16:10 PM

The more he thinks you are onto anything, the better he will get at hiding stuff. He may be using one or a number of apps so if you do get his phone, check for them.

Having teenagers, this definitely occurred to me. I'm smart enough to see apps that are contenders for hiding stuff (FB messages, WhatsApp, etc.), but what about apps that are used to hide other apps? I don't know what to look for.

The odds of me getting into his phone unfettered feel pretty slim, but it would be good to be prepared in case I do.

Lalagirl posted 10/2/2020 16:36 PM

what about apps that are used to hide other apps? I don't know what to look for.

Unfortunately I am not very up to date on these apps, and my FWH has a flip phone. I'm sure someone will be along soon who can point you in the right direction.

Notthevictem posted 10/2/2020 17:30 PM

Well, in all fairness, he could be hiding a lot of things other than an affair. Like gambling, drug use, etc. Or even something as simple as spending money he doesn't have because he's out of work knowing it'd lead to an argument. Or something vastly more uncomfortable for him to admit to like early onset Parkinson or ED.

I think lack of sex is a big problem for any marriage.

What's going on there? Has he not attempted to engage? Have you held back? Are you not attracted to him (or vice versa?) For me, except for certain circumstances like a death in the family or illness, going more than a month without is a problem I'd hafta get to the bottom of. (Maybe literally, mwahaha).

Password changes do signify hiding something. Or potentially reacting to your hiding something if he believes you are.

Again, to me, it doesn't necessarily signal affair, although affair is a common reason for hiding stuff.

My recommendation is to gather more info.

Unless...

Unless you've already had it with him in this relationship.

Half a year is a long time without sex for most normal adults. I wouldn't find it acceptable in my marriage.

If you've already had it, and just want to be done, then it doesn't matter what he's hiding. If you want to he single then be single.

LadyG posted 10/2/2020 17:30 PM

SnappyT, I had several opportunities to discover my STBXWH last exit affair. It just never occurred to me to snoop. My WH suggested that I get WhatsApp too so we can message each other securely. I downloaded it and it prompted me to send a notification to all my contacts that I am using the App. But it also notified me who in my contacts had WhatsApp.

I tested it out with my WH and thought it was unnecessary for me to have as I didnít have anything to hide from anyone. I told him so and deleted the App from my phone. It never dawned on me that he was using WhatsApp to conduct his last affair.

It was only when he messaged AP via regular messenger which was itemised on our phone bills that I discovered the length of the affair. Then I discovered the identity of AP. It was a real eye opener.

Download a few secret messaging Apps and you may discover which one he is using.

Thumos posted 10/2/2020 17:45 PM

I can think of no reason to lie about some of the stuff he's lying about.

This may sound a little odd but if you spend any time reading the adultery subreddit on Reddit, you'll see them talking about "OPSEC" (operational security) -- little tips they give each other on how to keep affairs secret and safe.

One of the tips I've seen is they recommend essentially "conditioning" a faithful spouse. So he conceals he was going to buy your son a jacket, and then it's not so weird when they conceal their location going somewhere else.

A 7-month sex drought is essentially a dead bedroom.

I think you're right to wonder. Usually we find here on SI that when someone's gut is screaming at them, the gut instinct is usually correct.

The quickest route to finding out would be to procure a VAR and put it in his car. You can get the latest $50-60 SONY model at Bestbuy and that's the one you'll want. Secure it with a strip of industrial grade velcro (they sell it Wal-Mart). Then put a pair of clipped cheap headphones into the headphone jack (this prevents accidental audible playback. If you want to know more just search online for "VAR infidelity" and you'll get a bunch of hits. If you put it under the seat you may get a bunch of road noise.

The1stWife posted 10/2/2020 22:03 PM

Heís hiding something. Not sure what but completely suspicious behavior.

Start digging.

SnappyT posted 10/3/2020 08:17 AM

I checked the monitoring on our internet router and suspiciously, heís not even looking at porn, which has always been an issue for us.

But at the times heíd normally be watching porn in the past, there is suspiciously history for duck duck go. Is this a thing? Like seriously heís using duck duck go to hide his porn watching activities?

Or what else might one be hiding that would register there?

Unhinged posted 10/3/2020 08:39 AM

Ask for the phone and the password. Ask him if he's okay with you looking through his phone. You don't have to tell him why or make any other comments. The choice he makes will speak volumes.

apache posted 10/3/2020 08:44 AM

Here's what duckduckgo says about it's product.


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and encryption, all in one package

Bare minimum he's watching porn.

PSTI posted 10/4/2020 18:07 PM

I don't think it matters what he is doing, frankly. The fact of the untruthfulness should be enough to draw a line in the sand.

Why is lying not enough? Why do you actually have to know what he's hiding before you give him the ultimatum that he can't treat you in this manner?

I've always believed that it's not the sex or anything else that is the real issue- it's the dishonesty and violation of trust.

HouseOfPlane posted 10/4/2020 18:24 PM

DuckDuckGo
If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...

Does he have a computer? Or a favorite place to be to check email on the phone? Leave your phone on video camera mode where you can see his keyboard.

SnappyT posted 10/5/2020 13:59 PM

Thanks everyone for pitching in advice and thoughts on this.

I'm going to look into the VAR I guess. I'm not excited about the icky feelings that might ensue.

Throwaway999 posted 10/5/2020 14:13 PM

Just want to say donít be me...dig. Listen to your gut. I found out years later...

Itís not snooping...it protecting yourself. I truly hope you find nothing. But he is definitely lying...small lies lead to big ones.

HalfTime2017 posted 10/5/2020 14:22 PM

That was the first red flag I got when I caught my exWW cheating. She had changed her passcode on her phone, when our whole family shares the same one.

I found it odd, and she made up a lie about my child getting into her phone and almost sending an email to her coworkers. She swore up and down on our child after the fact that it wasn't b/c of the affair but the truth came out.

Its not a smoking gun, but there is certainly fire you need to investigate. If he gets defensive quickly, that is another red flag. I don't think you should be asking him too much. Start investigating on your own. Its not time to confront yet. You still need more info.

99problems posted 10/5/2020 14:41 PM

It was my first clue as well, the putting a passcode on the phone
I guessed it first try(her birthday lol)

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