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My Love for my Cheater

brokenInDenver posted 10/2/2020 14:14 PM

Its been about 1 1/4 years since D day for me and I'm wondering if any of you have experiences a pervasive and enduring evaporation of love for your wayward spouse?

I've always felt my wife was a gift really. Before she cheated I loved her endlessly. i would have done anything for her. While I knew she was far from perfect, I can honestly say loved her more and more everyday. Ironically, right after D-Day I was more in love with her than ever. Even though I was in pain i felt an abundance of lust and love, I couldn't wait to see her and to make love. We enjoyed HB for months and months and sometimes I would feel closer than ever.

Its changing now. I have endured these wounds that she gave me for more than a year gone by now and I can feel my adoration and lust being replaced by disgust and detachment. So much pain for so long and still I'm considered new to this. i'm worry R may not be a journey I'm capable of making anymore. I feel like I'm headed toward limbo or divorce. I miss the way I used to feel about her. Can this be reversed? Anyone else feel like this?

Oldwounds posted 10/2/2020 14:26 PM

I donít think I figured out what I really wanted until about 2-years in.

And I felt all that detachment too.

I think itís always a deal breaker, and if you stay, it should be because you see someone worth rebuilding with.

If youíre done, youíre done.

How does it get reversed?

You have to want to rebuild the connection. So does she.

R is uphill because itís tough enough under normal circumstances to stay connected, but even tougher when trust and vulnerability have to start all over.

Me getting to vulnerable again was the hardest part. I understand not many of us make it back to vulnerable, be it with our WS or someone new.

Adoration was never healthy either. At least it didnít work out. All humans are flawed. All of us need work. You just have to heal enough to get to a point where you know what you want. Not just from your relationship, but what you want your life to look like.

From there, we tend to hit what we aim for. Whether thatís a new life or rebuilding a new deal with the person who broke the old one.

Sofarsogood posted 10/2/2020 14:31 PM

When a wayward spouse finally falls off the pedestal you had them on, the disillusionment can be awful. Maybe give it some time? I'm not familiar with your story, so I don't know if you pursued any individual counseling. One way or the other, I hope things get better for you.

Notthevictem posted 10/2/2020 14:33 PM

I agree with oldwounds.

hikingout posted 10/2/2020 14:34 PM

Hi Broken,

Healing is not linear by any means. I have read many posters hit something they refer to as the plane of lethal flatness. I have had others note that year two was the hardest because the roller coaster is over and having to deal with the actual fall out of the affair.

What you feel could be temporary, it could be permanent. I don't think anyone could tell you which it is. I know it was right before the year mark my husband asked me for a divorce.

Has she been doing work on herself? How has things been in terms of her effort?

If her effort has been there, maybe consider whether you can just simply talk to her about it. I found that when H and I struggled two things made it better - one, sharing what was on our minds or what struggles we were experiencing, and two- giving each other the room and time to work through it.

I have also noticed when reading what BS write that it seems almost universal that they put a lot of pressure on themselves to feel certain ways or to decide something. Its natural. Give yourself some time, there is no rush.

Thumos posted 10/2/2020 14:45 PM

Yes unfortunately I can relate and so can most other BS's, I'll warrant. There's nothing wrong with you and your reaction and long-term feelings are very common.

You've hit the dreaded plane of lethal flatness.

Probably part of what has happened is the generalized emotional shock has worn off and now your systems have calmed down and stabilized.

The HB was fun and intense, but then the mind movies and other factors dampened that. Now that brief moment of passion has waned.

You're thinking more clearly about things.

Hikingout is right. It's when you put pressure on yourself to feel a certain way that you'll find your flatness only increases. It's like the body and mind are rebelling at your attempts to "force" yourself to do one thing or the other.

Your body and brain are now looking out for you. They will refuse to go along with anything that feels artificial after being betrayed.

AnnieOakley posted 10/2/2020 16:30 PM

I never had HB. While the PA was over immediately there still were a few DDays and I remained on the lethal plain of flatness for a long time. My ex finally did IC and all the hard work. He turned into the man that I always thought he was. I loved him, but the desire for real intimacy was gone. We got along, had good times, but everything was tainted. And I was living a lie.

I could not get over/past/through the infidelity. It was a deal breaker. It was no longer fair to either of us and I filed. It has been almost 6 years that I have been divorced.

Am I happy most days single, yes. Are there tears running down my cheeks for what I lost, yes.

I could not reverse the damage, but life goes on.

thatbpguy posted 10/2/2020 17:44 PM

My wife was perfect. She was my true love and I had her on the highest pedestal. After DDay #1 I did all I could to keep her there. You name it... the pick me dance, HB.... in the end she slipped down and never regained her position and I slowly slipped down the tubes with it all and in some ways have never recovered.

It's hard, so hard, to have someone who sits so loftily betray. In the end it just seems to cut deeper.

Take time. Be honest with her. If need be, try an in-house separation and see if you miss her. She may never regain that pedestal, but perhaps you can work out something other than a survival marriage.

One last thought. I see some members like Thumos who tried and tried for years. In the end, it just didn't work. Not that I want to hurry you along, but know when it's time to say 'good-by'- if it comes to that.

yellowledbetter posted 10/2/2020 18:19 PM

I can relate. And it sucks.

I too thought the absolute world of my husband. I was so proud of him and to be his wife. I was proud of our marriage and the modeling we had shown our kids how even after being together over 30 years we were still madly in love. So much for that...he shit all over all of it.

Now I truly want to make it work. I want to be all in. But itís so hard to work through everything he has done. While I used to look at him and think how lucky I am to have him, I now look at him and think, who are you and how could you do this to us?

I guess some days I wish that if I canít learn to love him again the way I used to, then I really wish I could learn to hate him. It would make it all so much easier 😓

As much as we both really want to reconcile, I just worry that itís impossible. Almost 2 years in and I still canít wrap my brain around any of it. Itís hard to accept this level of betrayal from the one person I loved the most.

Butforthegrace posted 10/2/2020 19:48 PM

At some point after Dday -- in most cases well more than a year later, and in many cases more like 2 or 3 years later -- the BS's roller coaster of emotions begins to smooth out and you get a chance for more mental clarity. At that point, for many, the dull realization arises: "Every day, for life, I'm going to look at my wife and one of the thoughts I will have is, 'she fucked another man'." Every day. The plane of lethal flatness is just that: seeing the rest of your life stretch out to the horizon, realizing that as long as you remain married, that thought will be at least one of your companions.

Thumos posted 10/2/2020 20:18 PM


sshawness posted 10/2/2020 20:59 PM

I understand what you are feeling. We are coming up on almost a year since the first Dday, and it has only been recently that I'm feeling disgust and so much dislike for my WH. Until last week when I asked WH to leave our home, I was so certain that I wanted to reconcile. It's been such a painful year, and as you said after one year we are still considered new to this. When I hear on SI that the 2nd year is often even harder, I feel pretty hopeless.

I'm hoping that separating will provide some clarity. Sometimes I think he's the only one who can help me heal, and other times I think he's last person who could ever help me heal.

It's a sad, sad situation, and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

NotMyFirstRodeo posted 10/2/2020 21:55 PM

I doubt I would ever see anyone ever again the way I saw my WW pre-A. It wasn't healthy for me to place her on the pedestal before the A anyways. But now, even if with someone else, I think I will always live in a relatively flat place. I think it has something to do with all this armor I've suited up in. I've grown accustomed to all the protection it offers but it surely won't give me the freedom of movement I had before when I wore none of it.

The1stWife posted 10/2/2020 21:58 PM

I had a hard time reconciling after his 2nd A and his demanding a D so he could kick me to the curb to be with the much younger OW.

I had to keep telling myself ďheís not the same cheating guy he was X years agoĒ. I see the difference. It is obvious. It takes a long time to rebuild and recover from infidelity.

Justsomeguy posted 10/3/2020 09:54 AM

It took me 7 months after Dday #2 to realize that it was a dealbreaker for me. Well, I should say that I knew from the beginning, but had to realize it was something I couldn't come back from. I really dis love my wife pre-A, but I k ew her shortcomings. I was her H and I signed up for thick and thin. With the revelation of her A, she stripped away those qualities she had which made her what I thought was a high quality woman. What remained was not very attractive, a lying, selfish cheater who was willing to put her husband's health and life on the line for her own desires. Not t be harsh, but when you strip away all the bullshit, that's what you get.

So, that was the woman who I was expected to rebuild a marriage with? Hell, I wouldnt even casually date someone like that. Once my original vision of my W was destroyed, I was able to see, I mean really see the person in front of me and I realized that the years I had left were too precious to waste with her.

I'm S two years plus. I am sad quite often, but there is also another feeling I experience, peace. The heartbreaking pain is gone as the source of that pain is no longer beside me. I'm single, but I know I could find a partner if I wanted to. I'm just learning to be alone and content right now. Funny, I'm sitting in bed right now, enjoying my morning coffee and typing this on my phone. In about a half hour, I'll change and go for a run in the sunshine and then have a bit of lunch, do some chores, take myself out to the pub with my book, come home, make dinner, phone friends, and watch a movie. Pretty good day all considered, and all the while, peace.

I really do admire those who can R. I just think that they have higher quality partners than I did. I think if my WW was a truly kind, empathetic person, I would have made a go of it. I dont think I would ever have gotten past the A andcttuly known peace though. I would have just learned to integrate the experience into my narrative. Its true what another member posted about it changing you. I'm still waiting to see if the change is good or bad...

sisoon posted 10/3/2020 11:17 AM

It was right around 14-15 months when I experienced something that was at least similar to what you described. I didn't find those feelings flat at all.

My reco is to keep going and monitoring your thoughts and feelings. The love and lust might come back, especially if your W is doing the necessary work for R. They might not come back.

No need to force one set of feelings or another. Be open both to D and to R, and have faith that you'll settle one way or another when you're ready.

IMO, the less pressure you put on yourself, the quicker you'll know which way is better for you.

brokenInDenver posted 10/5/2020 11:41 AM

Reading your replies to this post has given me more calm than I thought possible. I think I have been putting too much pressure on myself for R. I absolutely adored my wife on D-day and the thought of her not being in my life was too much to bear. She is doing a lot on herself and for us to make R a reality. It is her mission right now, so that's good. I think I'm just going to go with the flow for awhile. If R works, great. If it doesnt and we D... well I can make that work too.

I like the idea of just talking about how I'm feeling with her. i'm tired of holding all this inside or just talking about it with my therapist. I don't talk about it because I don't want to constantly beat her up over the affair (I've done that enough and so has she) but I think its doing us a disservice by me not talking about how I'm feeling. I also think I can talk about it with her without shaming her whereas earlier that would not have been possible. Anyway, thank you so much for your wisdom.

standinghere posted 10/6/2020 02:20 AM

I think that in the throes of the first couple of years you go through so much that you have to step back and ask yourself the same questions over and over, day after day, month after month.

-Do I want to reconcile?
-Does my WS want to reconcile?
-Am I able/willing to do the work to reconcile?
-Is my WS able/willing to do the work to reconcile?
-Am I doing the work to reconcile?
-Is my FWS doing the work to reconcile?
-What are my reasons for wanting to reconcile and likewise what are my reasons for not wanting to reconcile?
-What does my WS need to do to become a safe partner?
-Is my WS a safe partner during reconciliation?

As others have mentioned, it is not a linear process, it is filled with discontinuities and stresses, and all the normal life stresses as well.

Year two was difficult for us, divorce was just a heartbeat away several times.

We were in MC for 4 years...unfucking believable...my FWS was in IC for long past that.

I'm not sure what your story is, but there is no single reason that makes reconciliation a "best" alternative, sometimes separation and divorce are simply the only outcomes that are satisfactory.

I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that if we had not had children, I would have chosen divorce. As much as I love my FWS, and as much as I loved her then and before, I simply would not have had the impetus to get through the betrayal even if she had still done the work, I myself would not have had the impetus to do the work.

TwoDozen posted 10/6/2020 02:55 AM

@BrokenInDenver dude I feel your pain

Ironically, right after D-Day I was more in love with her than ever. Even though I was in pain i felt an abundance of lust and love, I couldn't wait to see her and to make love. We enjoyed HB for months and months and sometimes I would feel closer than ever.

Yup exactly this. I put my WGF on a pedestal for our entire 24 years, I felt like I had imposter syndrome because she was always too good for me. I did the pick me dance too, it worked to a fashion because WGF loves twodozen more than ever. But now the resentment is building and at 9.5 months from Dday (I caught her in the A) Iíve been in this plane now for around 2-3 months. Thereís good days and bad days inside my head but day to day life is harmonious and weíre still in HB although itís starting to petter out a little.

It wasnít just me who put her on that pedastall. Everybody did but worst of all herself. And this is the crux of my issue. Sheís fighting, fighting hard to not admit to herself that she could do this, that she did do this, she simply wonít do work required. Yes we talk but itís only surface talks and when they get too difficult she shuts down, cryís, gets a headache etc. She so afraid of seeing who she became (still is) and itís destroying any chance of real R.

I guess Iíve been living in denial for a long time, still worshipping my false god. Iím just wrapping my head around that and how I want my life to look. Sadly even after what she has done she is still my best friend and I am hers. It will be one hell of a void in my life when she is not there.

I am pleased to see your WS is doing the work and I hope that she continues with that for you. I wish you well brother.

EmbraceTheChange posted 10/6/2020 06:24 AM

Yeah, I did as well. I was super proud of us, both capable, street-smart, goals orientated. I thought we were a really good fit, and were achieving whatever we set to do. And that we loved each other very much.

Then came dday, with the blame shifting (he only wanted a friend but I would not have approved), he was the poor hen-pecked husband who didn't want to come home and finally found happiness and there I was, all pissy and jealous and asking him where he was and checking up on him, and not appreciating the "good days ".

In my head we went from Power Couple to Laurel @ Hardy. A joke beyond a joke.

He had no intention of staying married. Landing me on the shit was fine though. My kids were 1, 3, 5, 14 at the time and he just wanted to walk away and let me deal with the fall-out, while he played the single and very happy dude with the love of his life. Yeah, he also asked her if they would have been together, had they met before meeting me. Nice nice. Totally killed any respect and love I had for him.

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