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Just trying to be stable

usaskiteam posted 9/29/2020 22:24 PM

My wife has had a few recent coincidences that make me want to question her fidelity. While he behaviour has changed over the last few months, i still cannot find the smoking gun. Only very strong coincidences which she always has an explanation for.

If she has had an affair and came clean, id resolve it with her and move forward. Though, she admittedly denies having had an affair, though the evidence says something else.

Is there any guidance on how to deal with the emotional rollercoaster I am on and just resolve my emotions?

Cooley2here posted 9/29/2020 22:46 PM

What is she doing? Something got your attention. What was it?

usaskiteam posted 9/29/2020 23:04 PM

coincidence #1 - after drinking with her work colleagues, she went to a club with them. Then she got a ride home from her boss and stated she fell asleep on his couch and got home at 6am.

coincidence #2 - her boss was working out of a hotel room and she dropped off some reports to him. Then went and had a massage at the hotel spa. Though, when I checked there was nothing on record of her having a massage there.

She has denied everything and claims it was all above board and nothing ever happened. Her boss is married with children.

Candyman66 posted 9/29/2020 23:16 PM

If the "boss" is married ask his wife if anything is going on. It sounds like he is single and yes your wife is cheating! Sorry.

AnnieOakley posted 9/29/2020 23:44 PM

I read your thread in JFO and you have been given really good/clear advice on several recommended next steps. We all have been in your shoes to one degree or another and can understand why you are hesitant to take the advice.

But the normal time frame to recover from an affair is 2-5 years if you have a partner that is 100% remorseful/honest and is willing to do everything in their power to help heal the relationship. Those years include 1000s of up/downs on the emotional rollercoaster whether you divorce or reconcile.

So no...there is no simple answer to just resolving your emotions. Because if there were...ALL OF US WOULD HAVE DRANK THAT KOOL-AID!

The first step is to get the truth and you are not going to get it from her, youve already tried to no avail. You have the advice for your other options, we strongly urge you to move forward with them.

Her coincidences are lies, lets call them what they are...Im sorry that you are here.

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 11:46 PM, September 29th (Tuesday)]

Butforthegrace posted 9/30/2020 05:54 AM

You don't believe her. Most would not. It's okay to simply say that. "I don't believe you. I think you're lying."

Beware if she has you ask her boss for confirmation. The two of them will doubtless get their story straight and stick to it.

So the other thing to do is go below radar, pretend everything is okay, and hire a private investigator.

The1stWife posted 9/30/2020 06:43 AM

On another thread we have all posted there is strong evidence shes cheating.

What she expects is that you will sweep this under the rug and never mention it again. Shes not interested in your feelings. Shes only interested in getting you to shut up about it.

I had NO black & white proof of my Hs first 4 year emotional affair. I knew it was going in but it was before cell phones and texts etc. It finally ended after I exploded.

Completely rugswept.

And then he cheated again. Except this time he wants a D. He expected me to continue to be a doormat. Turns out round 2 I wasnt.

Just letting you know what your future may look like.

Bigger posted 9/30/2020 07:11 AM

What would convince you that shes having an affair?
What would convince you that she isnt?

The answer to the above would help us guide you.

Frankly having gone through your posts Im leaning towards this being infidelity.
I dont say this lightly infidelity is a major trauma and I would be really happy for you if this wasnt infidelity. But lets look at the evidence or the indicators we have:

First of all: A workplace that has a weekly tradition of meeting and drinking every Friday for 2-3 hours is not a healthy workplace. I have experience as a manager, and although get-togethers and such are important, then a healthy work/home balance is even more important. An important aspect for many HR managers/managers is involving spouses into work-events, even if its after an initial colleague get-together. So that aspect the weekly drinking is not positive.

Second: OK Even if we assume your wife was drunk and went to the bosses house to sleep its inappropriate behavior for a boss. He should have called or taken measures to chaperone the situation. Is he married? Was his wife there? Have you talked to him or his wife about what happened?

The hotel? Why does the boss rent a hotel room to work? Once again: is he married? Kids at home? If not, then why not work from home? Or close the door to his office? Or book a conference room? Or go to Starbucks? Or the public library?

The massage. Why that place? Why at that time while at work? Did she have her toiletries with her? Why? Generally those that enjoy massages have their go-to-places where they know the quality of the masseur or a place that has been recommended. I doubt its a spur-of-the-moment decision to have a massage in the middle of the workday just because she spent an hour working with the boss that needed peace and quiet to get his budget done.

So, I ask you again:
What would convince you that shes having an affair?
What would convince you that she isnt?

Chaos posted 9/30/2020 08:13 AM

coincidence #1 - after drinking with her work colleagues, she went to a club with them. Then she got a ride home from her boss and stated she fell asleep on his couch and got home at 6am.

coincidence #2 - her boss was working out of a hotel room and she dropped off some reports to him. Then went and had a massage at the hotel spa. Though, when I checked there was nothing on record of her having a massage there.

These aren't coincidence. These are a smoking gun of inappropriate behavior. And her excuses are bullshit. And she will keep spoon feeding it to you.

Let's face it - if rolls were reversed you know shit would hit the fan.

The ultimate question is what are you going to do about it.

PS - if the boss is married/involved I'd start with making sure she was well aware.

Unhinged posted 9/30/2020 08:45 AM

Smoking gun?

Your wife spends her Friday nights with her boss.
Your wife spent the night at her boss's house.
Your wife went to his hotel room.

Your WW is having an affair with her boss.

Brother, it's a natural aspect of human psychology to deny that which we truly don't want to believe. I understand! I didn't want to believe my wife was having an affair. I didn't want to pick up her phone and find the evidence. I didn't want to be a betrayed husband.

Your wife denies and you want to believe it. Who wouldn't? I mean, seriously. No one really wants to admit to themselves that they are being deceived and gas-lighted, especially from a spouse.

Trust your gut, brother. Trust yourself. You know what's going on and you know what you have to do to get out of infidelity.

Don't worry about staying stable. This shit will unhinged anyone! Be strong. Take action. If you don't want to share your wife with her boss, then make that choice for yourself.

Strength, brother!

Underserving posted 9/30/2020 08:56 AM

I promise ignoring all of these red flags will not help. Once you know the truth, you cant unknow it, and thats scary as hell. However, she will only continue this behavior if you do not expose her. Shes lying to you. She wont admit it. Okay, time to look for answers elsewhere. Phone records, put a VAR in her car. If you can afford it, a PI will get you some answers pretty quick.

This is not something you can rugsweep or ignore. Making excuses for her is not going to benefit you or her. I agree shes in a dark place, I think all waywards are when theyre in an A, so shine some damn light on the whole thing!

Id ask his wife if she was there when your wife stayed on the couch. Id even bring up the hotel. That alone might bring you to the truth.

Good luck.

sisoon posted 9/30/2020 11:06 AM

I have no crystal ball. I don't know if your W is having sex with her boss. I do think it's probable.

I also believe her behavior - and that of her boss - is extremely inappropriate.

I suggest you reread Bigger's post. I'm a former manager of techies and of consultants, and my experience is similar to his.

I also want to add:

It's very difficult to accept that one's partner is cheating. Many of us see red flags but conclude 'not my W/H.'

Here's one thing, though: believing that one's partner isn't cheating is an act of love, not of weakness, even though fear may play a part in the decision to trust.

Here's another: One of the barriers to believing the red flags can be your own internal game - if you accept the evidence, you have to accept responsibility for the A. After all, conventional wisdom is that an A is a symptom of a problem in the M.

But conventional wisdom is wrong on this. A WS cheats because of the WS's own internal issues, not because of issues with the BS. Your W's probable A with her boss is on her, not on you, not on your M. In a sense, you're collateral damage.

This is one of the few times I think a polygraph may be useful - it's early, and you have only one real question, although you might want to add a 2nd question.

And it's impossible to be stable if you fear your partner is cheating.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:07 AM, September 30th (Wednesday)]

blahblahblahe posted 9/30/2020 19:56 PM

Ockham's razor (or Occam modernized before someone attempts to correct the spelling), states that entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily. Basically, the simplest more direct answer is the most correct one.

1. In this case, would you believe the set of circumstances that are least likely or more likely?

2. Your instincts are telling you something that you are attempting to talk yourself from believing. Speaking from experience this always leads to serious errors in judgment.

3. If you saw a bird, it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, swims like a duck, should you believe its an eagle or a duck?

Cooley2here posted 10/1/2020 23:38 PM

I agree with chaos. Coincidences are just that. This, on the other hand, is cheating.

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